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Thread: Are age gaps the last taboo?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    That tends to be the under lying issues though, no? Older man not ready for anything serious so he chooses a younger woman to have fun with? Or he doesn't choose a woman his age because he's not matured enough to handle that.

    Again, I realize it sounds like generalizations, however there are some truths to it.
    I would say yes, nearly 100 percent of the time (in generalization-speak). And I'm happy to call myself out in that.

    It can be "fun" to be the one to call the shots, to have only your best, most heroic self (because it's simply hard for a 25 year old to grasp the struggles that make, say, a 42 year old vulnerable). But that's where you get into a misaligned power dynamic. It also gets kind of old.

    It's telling, maybe, that when OP describes what makes this so fun is that his favorite activity (rock climbing) is shared. And, hey, she's probably enjoying being with someone who can show her new things: climbing, meals, trips. But she brings to the table...Netflix? I'd wager she's also super cool, sweet, chill—a lot of adjectives men use when describing younger women, though of course there are super cool, sweet, and chill women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s.

    As time passes what she'll bring to the table is likely things learned in this relationship—things she can only authenticate as her own (maybe) once the relationship ended. That's generally the friction point.

  2. #22
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    But she brings to the table...Netflix?
    and perky boobs!! :)

    But seriously, I was 25, in grad school, had hobbies, traveled extensively, I wasn't some airhead with nothing to offer.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You're hilarious! And who doesn't love a perky boob? Or, even better, two of them!

    Oh, I didn't mean to imply that 25 year olds have nothing to offer, and I'm sure OP's gf is fantastic. I'd like to think I had plenty to offer at 25: solid career, I'd written a book and movie, had traveled plenty. But I was also pretty insecure in a way that is almost inescapable in your 20s. Hell, I was probably working through that insecurity in my 30s by...dating women in their mid 20s. Insert eye roll, chin scratching emoji.

    And while I think I saw a lot more than the perkiness—I swear I did!—in retrospect I can see that I enjoyed being the one who kind of set the table, so to speak.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I would shrug at 25 and 42. I don’t care. The young person is mentally an adult.
    I agree with you S. I have a friend who is 30 who's been struggling for years to find a man to connect with in the way she needs and desires and has finally found him, he's 50!

    So that's 20 years, but I swear when you see them together, they just fit so well and look so happy together, no one bats an eye.

    Oh she's told me she gets the occasional stares and catty remarks from older women but she lets it roll off her back.

    Yes they are a generation apart, but instead of looking at it as a negative, they learn from each other.

    It's actually quite fuuny; I recall when he first began pursuing her, he would actually call her as opposed to text her as the guys her age or close to always did.

    When he first called her, she thought he had "butt dialed" her, it was hilarious! She even asked him if he butt dialed her. HE, being 50, didn't even know what "butt dialing" meant! Stuff like that, it was and still is very cute.

    She told me she LOVED that he actually called her, and pursued her in a way the guys her age never did. He also did and does other things that surprise her (in a good way), and vice versa!

    So OP I say enjoy it and don't allow the stigma to negatively affect you or your RL. And your gf to do the same.

    What others think doesn't mean a hill of beans, it's YOUR relationship, have the time of your life, learn from each other, have fun and grow.

    It may last another week, month, year, five years, 20 years, forever, who the hell knows. Which is true in any RL, even ones with no large age gap.

    JMO.

    And just for the record, SHE calls many of the shots in the RL, not just him. And he has $$$ too, and although it's nice, she doesn't give a rat's rear end about that, which is clear to anyone who witnesses them together.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-24-2018 at 09:24 PM.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by jakesv
    I wish I'd met someone like her when I was 25... she's going to make a great wife to someone some day.
    So you're acknowledging that she'll make a great wife to someone else some day?

    This is your girlfriend you're talking about, the relationship you've spent 3 pages defending, talking about how happy you are?

    Why are you already planning for her to marry "someone else"?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Take a real look around. I'd say there's more pressure on younger women to get with an older guy than there is judgement about age gap relationships when both are full adults .
    Hell, there are still millions of actual girl children married off to men as I type this. And even in countries which are more supportive of women not just being there as property and to have babies, we are only barely crawling out of the memories of relatives who were.
    Not being feminist here, pointing out how absurd it is to claim this as the last taboo . There are taboos , where freedom is actually limited within society if you cross. But this isn't one and you both are totally free to be with each other and live life as you each see fit as two adults.

    I think your girlfriend is just nudging you that this isn't something she can or will commit to, and that's fine, but it's not a societal ill that some people may take some extra looks at what can be confusing.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If she's so mature and into you, why does she let Mommy and Daddy dictate who her lifetime partner will be? I wouldn't continue dating someone, falling more in love every day, if they told me the barrier was too great to overcome and that they would be ending things at an undetermined time convenient to them.

    As for me, I'm glad I didn't marry a man old enough to be my dad. I help my elderly parents out and if I had to help an elderly husband in the same way, my life would be far more stressful. No thanks.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    She's a fully fledged adult and so is the OP. In that respect there's nothing really taboo about this relationship. It's not like she's below the age of consent and he's old enough to be her grandfather.

    That being said, for me personally, an age Gap like that would squick me out big time.

    When I was 25 before I met my husband and got married, I was on a couple of online dating sites and I would regularly have men in their 40s and 50s sending me messages.

    I remember feeling pretty grossed out by it because these men were far older and much more experienced than what I was comfortable with. It always felt like my youth was being objectified and I was both repulsed and intimidated by them. I remember thinking 'eww why can't they find someone their own age'.

    For some, a gap like that wouldn't bother them. For me, I wondered what was wrong with the men that they went for someone far younger and arguably less mature.

    Now I am in my mid 30s and my husband (slightly older) just turned 40. If I were suddenly single tomorrow, I would still be grossed out if a man in his 50s or more tried to message me.

    OP you're always going to have people wondering that. It's up to you whether you let it bother you.
    Last edited by superfan; 08-24-2018 at 11:27 PM. Reason: Forgot to add

  10. #29
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree superfan, when I was 25 I had the exact same thoughts. I always felt the 40 somethings were letches for trying to score a 20 something. I also felt there was something wrong with them for not being married to a woman their own age and were going after the 20 somethings.
    And lastly, I remember thinking that should one ever try something with me that I would feel violated like someone's Dad was touching me and shouldn't be.

    This had nothing to do with society, this is how I felt as a young woman. Not going to lie to you, I do wonder what this girl is thinking. I would think most women that are in their 20's feel the same way, unless they're gold diggers.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    My son told me too old to date someone, was if they could be your dad. Or too young if they could be your kid. 25 and 42...isn't that bad. I'd say late 40's would be pushing it. And as always, depends on the person. Like Annie said, she wasn't some dumb airhead at 25, and if you're a fit, rock climbing stud at 42...who are we to judge?

    There have always been the old dudes with the young chics...now what i find taboo....and i'm royally P*ssed about is why can't I at 64 date a 54 yr. old. Sucks. I go to my class reunion and crap...they all look and act so old. Not just the men...but women too!

    I'm traveling to the Upper Peninsula tomorrow...by myself. I'm going Hiking in Utah the end of next month....for 12 days. By myself. I wish i could find a happy healthy older man...but hahahaha...they stay married. Or are dating the 30 and 40 year olds. That's why the older women look at them askance.

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