Losing my best friend

Hey. So I'm having a rough time dealing with this but I feel like it's my fault and I'm being selfish but I can't deny how I feel. I recently moved across the U.S. because it was something I had wanted to do for a long time. I'm back in the state I was born in and it's a new beginning. I previously lived in another state for 20 years.

For over 10 years I've known my best friend. He's a guy and I'm a girl. We've literally been nothing more than friends physically this entire time even though we lived together the past 2 years. I've had boyfriends and he's had girlfriends. It never bothered me before. I don't feel any romantic feelings for him in any physical way but our friendship is almost equivalent to a married couple emotionally I suppose.

Now living in a different state everything is new and my job isn't aa enjoyable as I had expected. I feel like I'm under all new levels of stress being in a new place every day. I'm a single mom too so it's hard to find time to get out by myself to meet new people and plus with working all the time and my anxiety it's hard to find moments where I'm not completely exhausted to get out more. Lately I've also been really depressed and just missing my best friend. Honestly, I feel like I could spend every single day of my life with him and even if I was miserable in all other aspects of my life I'd be happy. I know that almost sounds pathetic though because it's also just not healthy or realistic to place my happiness on someone else regardless of whether or not it was in a romantic sense.

My friend feels the same way yet he's also always hoped that one day maybe we'd eventually have sex (for lack of a better word). I mean ultimately he's said that he'd marry me and I believe he feels the same way as I do regarding our closeness in our friendship but we differ on the romantic feelings.

To make matters even more complex... Since I've moved he's also started dating a girl he knew and they're in a relationship now. I've never been jealous before and I like this girl he's with. She is a nice person but I feel jealous now. I think it's mostly to do with the fact that I'm alone out here except for my daughter and mom and a few family friends. Also, I got so used to the closeness of our friendship and being roommates. Now there is 2,000 miles between us and he's of course busy with his girlfriend like a normal person in a relationship would.

We still talk about the typical best friend stuff we used to but I just can't get it out of my head about how I feel the loss of our closeness. I mean it's not really that we aren't close because I know that's still there in our hearts and when we talk but I'm just depressed and angry about the situation even though it's not really fair since I'm the one that moved and changed the dynamics and plus it's not fair to him to live with him forever if he eventually wants more anyway.

I know there's really not much I can do besides get used to how things our and appreciate the friendship we have and all and just eventually let go of my unrrealistic idea of spending everyday together because it's just not possible anymore. I just don't know how to let go? I mean, I do but it's just really hard. I have no one else to really talk to about it and the closest person to me (my best friend) already knows how I feel and we've discussed this numerous times so I'm done beating a dead horse you know. I just want to somehow find a way to get past my own anger.

It feels almost worse than a break up. I'm just at a lost time in my life and hopefully I can find my way again.

Any advice or words of wisdom is helpful. I feel like already know a lot of what to do like just meeting new people and things and giving it time but if there is anything else or some type of encouragement you can throw my way I'm all ears.

Well, stripping away everything else, you just simply miss your friend. You're currently lonely, and you don't have anyone where you are right now, so you doubly miss him.

As for his romantic feelings, the way guys are constructed is if they spend enough time around any girl they start thinking what would it be like to have sex with them.

Anyways, I don't think you're selfish. Eventually, you'll meet a nice guy and you won't miss your friend as much.

Sorry to hear this. It must be a shock to realize it's been more than "roommates" all along. All you can do is fortify your local life and distance yourself from him and try not to sabotage his new relationship.

I don't feel any romantic feelings for him in any physical way but our friendship is almost equivalent to a married couple emotionally I suppose. Since I've moved he's also started dating a girl he knew and they're in a relationship now. I feel jealous now.

Well, stripping away everything else, you just simply miss your friend. You're currently lonely, and you don't have anyone where you are right now, so you doubly miss him.

 

As for his romantic feelings, the way guys are constructed is if they spend enough time around any girl they start thinking what would it be like to have sex with them.

 

Anyways, I don't think you're selfish. Eventually, you'll meet a nice guy and you won't miss your friend as much.

It's not just a guy thing -it's normal in that kind of situation to have "thoughts" for men, women ,etc especially similar age/close proximity and it's what you do with your thoughts.

I do not agree at all that this friend is replaceable with a romantic partner. My close friends are not. I would hate to think people are replaceable like that. OP - I think for now you have to let him go and at some point in the future you may very well reconnect. It could be his partner isn't comfortable with his friendship with you or any close female friend.

I hope you get out there more and meet people -that will help despite him not being replaceable. Good luck.

I often miss my best friend who lives hundreds of miles away. I've made it a point to carry her with me in my thoughts during my most difficult times, and I imagine myself cheering her up with my observations throughout the day. This tends to lift my spirits, and I gain momentum knowing that she'd be proud of me for learning to enjoy myself when I'm down. When I speak with her, I'm 'on' with her rather than bringing us both down by lamenting.

The beauty of any friendship is the synergistic power to lift one another UP. We can carry this with us by using imagination, creativity and an understanding of what a good friend wants FOR us. So I'm determined to give that to her by living my best life and encouraging her to live hers.

During the times when she's preoccupied with a lover, I ramp up my self sufficiency and recognize that the best gift that I can give to her is security in my love for her by wanting for her all that she wants for herself. During times when she's down, I listen, and I can notice when she's making a shift away from complaining and showing me instead her ability to lift herself back up. She's partly doing that for me to avoid wearing me out, but in making that effort, she legitimately lifs herself back up. Same is true visa versa.

Friendship isn't just about getting our own needs met, it's about raising our bar to inspire someone we love to enjoy meeting their own needs, too. Whenever our needs conflict, it's self sufficiency time, because investing in building one's own happiness will translate into becoming a better friend to the other AND to all of the friends we make. That's adult friendship--different friends to meet different needs rather than overly relying on one person to be our 'everything'. Not even a lover is capable of that.

I'd make it my private goal to surprise friend AND myself with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this change. If that means seeing a therapist or coach or counselor or clergy or support group, then that's what it takes. People have no trouble hiring a plumber or accountant or mechanic for practical areas of expertise, but what could be more practical than your mental health and quality of life?

Head high, you can do this.

I used to be great friends with a male colleague; in fact when I was between houses a few years back I shared a house with him for a few weeks. I'd never have got involved with him; he was a great friend, and had a number of female friends along the same sort of lines as myself - but he used to treat his girlfriends really badly and he clearly wasn't relationship material.

He left the UK to go and work in Thailand, and although we kept in touch it couldn't be the same. I cried every day for about three months, and I really can't put into words quite how much I missed him. It came as a shock to me.

The only thing I can say is that it passes with time, and you have a pile of good memories and great experiences to draw on. In time, other people will come into your life and fill in that gap, but just let yourself grieve in the meantime.

(((HUGS)))