"Confused" Boyfriend

Okay, I am going to do my best to explain my story in chronological order.

Me (f/23) and my boyfriend (age 25) have been together for almost 3 years. We moved in together about 6 months into our relationship (previously, I lived 3 hrs away). We are not a couple that argues often. We get along, we share aspirations, and we build eachother up. My boyfriend is not very good at communicating or showing his emotions. Throughout our relationship, we have hit a few bumps, but we have overcome them within a few days. The reason for these bumps is because I believe he is not intune with his feelings. He claims that there is a "void" in him and he does not know how to fix it. It causes him to feel depressed, quiet, and he shuts down. I try to help and offer kind words/gestures, but again, he refuses to communicate. This happens about 2x a year. After a couple days of us not talking, he comes around and is back to normal. He has gotten better at talking and sharing his emotions, but he still has a long ways to go.

Earlier this year, January 2018, he accepted a job opportunity and moved to South Carolina. He is now the Owner/Operator of a restaurant chain. He works constantly. He does not have any friends or family there. And he doesn't have any time to invest in any of his hobbies, which is being social and making music. I am in school and I graduate in December. We decided it would be best for me to finish my studies and move to him after school. So in the mean time, we visit eachother once every 2 or 3 months. We talk on the phone every day, we video chat occasionaly, and we text whenever we are available to. Everything has been perfect, despite our distance. He has even recently ( 2 or so months ago) told his mom AND my best friend that I am the one and has proceeded to ask about rings and plans to them.

Moving forward to this month... I had a trip planned to see him on July 20 - July 29. On Wednesday, July 18, he told me we needed to talk about us and said he didn't know how he felt. This came as a shock to me. I did not expect him to say this because nothing to my knowledge has happened to make him think like this. So I flew out the following Friday and things were awkward right off the bat. We drove to Indiana to visit come friends. While on the drive there, he told me he "didn't know" why he felt like this. He said I am his best friend, a great girl, and that he cares for me. He said he is frustrated because he doesn't understand what is going on and can't explain it. I told him I believed it was a phase. I also said that I believe the distance and the lonliness is affecting him in a negative way. I assured him that we only have 5 months left until we are back together for good, in which he responded with "I just need space." I am now confused. So, once we arrive in Indiana, I go to the guest bedroom while he is with his friends. I am trying to give him space and leave him be so he can just relax with his friends. But he insists that I hang out too and "be civil?" He then suggested that I leave EARLY!! He bought a new plane ticket for me to leave on July 24 instead of the 29!

So on Monday, July 23, we drive back to SC. This is a 10-hour trip, and I don't say anything to him until we are 2 hours from our destination. He says to me "why have you not talked to me at all on this roadtrip?" I told him I was giving him the space he suggested and that I thought it was what he meant when he asked for it. He responded with " so you expect me to do this on my own??? figure things out alone??" I AM EVEN MORE CONFUSED AT THIS POINT >>>>>>> So we talk about it.. I asked him questions trying to get in his head... I told him heartfelt things about how I feel and about how much we have achieved together.. basically just reassuring him that this will pass. He told me more that he was frustrated because he didn't know why he felt this way. He told me that the whole time I was there, he didn't feel anything. I gave him a backrub once we got to his house in SC and scratched his back until he fell asleep. When we woke up, he was very quiet, he told me that he still felt the same. He took me to the airport where I hugged him and told him I loved him. He responded, but it sounded strained...

Once I got home, I sent him a message basically explaining that i respect his need for space and that I will honor his request. I told him that I do care for him, and no matter what happend I will be okay. I assured him that the stress he is feeling does not compare to the joy that is coming his way and that I hope this period of rreflection brings us closer together. I also told him that he is not alone, and that if he needs anything or changes his mind about this break, I am here for him. He told me that he didn't know if things were going to work out. I told him I understand that feelings change and told him to take this time to seriously reflect on himself. If he thinks he will truly be happier w/o me, I will respect his decision and he said "okay." so now its been 24 hours since we've talked.

I seriously believe that this is just a phase. I think that he has been in his mind too much and is being too hard on himself. All of this came out of nowhere. He can't even tell me when he started feeling like this. So I am confused. He seems very unsure about his position. He responds with "i don't know" to everything. he doesn't know if he wants me or not, doesn't know what he's feeling, doesn't know what he wants in life, etc. The whole reason he moved to SC is to start building a life for us and he always talked about kids and getting a dog. This guy is my everything. He is my best friend and has really pushed me to be who I am today. I am hoping that the next couple of weeks of this break, he realizes that this is silly and that he just needed to take a step back.

What do you all think? Has anyone encountered a story similar to this? Has anyone experienced a positive outcome from taking a break from your SO? Or should I begin to move on...??? *crying*

Well, your story is pretty common in long-distance relationships and most of the time the cause is because he's found another girl. The other common reason is that he's suffering from depression or is having some sort of psychological break. Either can explain why he wants to break up.

That was particularly evil buying you a plane ticket back home almost a week early. He certainly wanted to get rid of you.

I don't think there's much you can do from Texas. I think you should handle this like a break up (because it is). Finish up school, hang out with friends and family, do things that you enjoy doing. Give your boyfriend a couple of months to get out of his funk, but prepare to move on.

Here is what I have learned being mostly in your boyfriend's shoes but at times in yours. He has to figure this out on his own. You cannot help him especially since you are biased, understandably. I strongly believe he met someone at work. Not that he has cheated -but there is someone turning his head, who he is attracted to, and that triggered the doubts. I never worked in an actual restaurant (does a doughnut shop count??) but what I know of this kind of work is that the employees work really hard, and it's a very personal working environment -like a family, whether good, dysfunctional or otherwise. Not saying that it breaks up relationships just saying that is why i wrote what I wrote.

What I would do is give him twice the space he seems to need. Tell him that you are not ignoring him but that you both need space to see if you miss each other and if so how much. And that for now you won't look to date others (give it a month I would say). If he plans to look to date others or date others he needs to tell you that. And if that is his choice then stop the break and break up because that's just about comparison shopping not about getting into his own head on his own and figuring out what's going on.

I'm sorry this is not working right now! (and yes my husband and I dated long distance for a few years, as did my parents and it went just fine, it can work!)

I am sorry this happened to you, OP. That must've been quite the shock to hear 2 days before you went to see him, only to have him send you home early. That would hurt a lot.

It's hard to say if it's only a phase. I thought the same thing of an ex, many years ago now, who seemingly out of nowhere didn't know if we were right together anymore. I was dumbfounded. (This was after about 2.5 years together, and we lived together at the time) I too wanted to believe he was stressed and depressed, and that it was a phase. Though we wound up staying together, it never felt quite right after that. We too eventually started talking about marriage and he even asked me to look at rings, twice. But in the back of my mind, I always felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. And 4 years later, it did, so we broke up for good. It turned out that he had met someone at work during his first phase of "doubt" (and he also happens to work in restaurants), and though they didn't wind up together, he again met someone else at work which eventually led to the end of our relationship. While I know it hurts to even consider, I would not rule this out as a possibility with your boyfriend, either.

My advice would be to treat this as a break-up, as DanZee suggested. Trying to convince him that this is a silly phase suggests you feel he doesn't know his own mind and don't really respect his feelings that this might not be working for him anymore. He can't reasonably predict anything about the future, so asking him a lot of questions won't really get you anywhere. Take a big step back and concentrate on yourself, as much as you can. It's hard; I know. He might come around but you two will also have a lot talking to do about it got to this point.

I think that there is someone else or the long distance is taking a toll. If he always felt there was a "void" it seems he filled it with a relationship that moved too quickly (moving in within 6 months is way too soon) and then maybe he thought the job change would fill the void and it didn't. I think he is depressed or just doesn't feel he has purpose and its up to him to seek help.

"why have you not talked to me at all on this roadtrip?" I told him I was giving him the space he suggested and that I thought it was what he meant when he asked for it. He responded with " so you expect me to do this on my own???

I would have been annoyed too. I would think giving space would be after you went back home -- not giving the silent treatment for 8 hours in the car.

Or maybe deciding against the friend roadtrip and just trying to reconnect before leaving for home