Boyfriend of nearly a year is still friends with his old f*** buddy

So my BF of nearly 1 year (M28) me (f26) has this female friend who I've met several times at social events, but never spoke to her that much but I've always been polite.

Recently after a party and me getting so drunk apparently I was rude to her, I don't remember I was heavily intoxicated (do I probably was being annoying).

The next day my BF said that she had messaged him saying that she felt like she deserved an apology from me for how I was treating her (he showed me that message, which she did send him).

I said I was going to msg her regardless to say sorry, and I was a drunken mess and not proud of myself.

So I message her... and she said "thanks I appreciate the apology"..

I asked him why she hates me so much and he confessed that they use to f*** before he was in a relationship with me, and she liked him and asked him for a relationship with him but he said no. Then he met me, and they stayed friends. That whole time until he told me I didn't know they use to be f*** buddies!

Anyway the next day I looked on my BFs phone (behind his back of course), I just had this feeling about something and my instincts were correct!

She has messaged him saying how she doesn't want to ever be in the same vicinity as me again, and how he can do much better than me and hope he comes to his senses and sees he's too good for me etc.. nasty stuff AFTER I had just sent her a really nice msg and said sorry and that she's a cool chick blabla..

A couple of days passed and I asked BF if he had spoken to her and he said "no she just messaged some bull and I'm angry at her and she can get f***d".. obviously because of those messages she sent him about me.

He never replied to her messages. So I was content with that and forgot about it.

A couple of weeks later he mentioned to me that she had txtd him asking how he is and if he wanted to catch up for coffee, and asked if he can put all that stuff behind him cos she didn't want to loose him as a friend and he replied "don't worry that won't happen".

He showed me those messages... and I asked him "well if she said anything nasty about me then it would be morally wrong for you to catch up with her", he replied "she didn't say anything nasty" then got annoyed that I was making an issue out of it, and he said "I shouldn't of even told you".

So I feel betrayed...

What should I do, he doesn't know that I read those messages from her so it's not like I can mention anything.

Am I being unreasonable?

TIA xx

Honestly, he is making her feelings more important than yours.

She is not a friend -- she is waiting in the wings to pounce if it doesn't work out with you.

She doesn't care if she is just FWB - she will pick up where she left off.

Its inappropriate for him to go to coffee with her knowing the way she feels.

I would not put up with it....whether she trash talked you or just the fact that she is trying to keep herself on the list

He didn't even correct her "hey, i am in love with her and will continue dating he regardless of how you feel about it."

Nope. No. No.

Thanks.

Exactly my thoughts but how can I even say anything because I snooped in his phone to see those nasty messages she said about me, and I can't tell him I read those he would be so angry at me if he knew I snooped through his phone.

Thanks.

Exactly my thoughts but how can I even say anything because I snooped in his phone to see those nasty messages she said about me, and I can't tell him I read those he would be so angry at me if he knew I snooped through his phone.

I would say "i know she was your FWB before we met so i am uncomfortable with you meeting her one on one. If you would like us to both go to coffee with her, i am open to that...."

But if you want to break up with him, i would let it rip and tell him that you saw the messages. If you already don't trust him and check his phone, you should break up.

I don't want to breakup with him, and especially because of this woman getting in the way.

They have been friends for a while long before I was in the scene.. also he will be so put off me if I act possessive or jealous he hates jealous woman.

It's just so unfair and I feel so hurt and even worse that I can't even bring it up with him cos I was the one who snooped though his phone and read those initial messages.

Ohwell.

 

A couple of weeks later he mentioned to me that she had txtd him asking how he is and if he wanted to catch up for coffee, and asked if he can put all that stuff behind him cos she didn't want to loose him as a friend and he replied "don't worry that won't happen".

He showed me those messages... and I asked him "well if she said anything nasty about me then it would be morally wrong for you to catch up with her", he replied "she didn't say anything nasty" then got annoyed that I was making an issue out of it, and he said "I shouldn't of even told you".

 

So I feel betrayed...

 

What should I do, he doesn't know that I read those messages from her so it's not like I can mention anything.

TIA xx

Is he agreeing to meet up with her?

Yes he told me he will continue to be her friend and he will have coffee with her when he's free.

I have a feeling I'll be in the minority here, but I personally think it's wrong to tell a partner who they can and cannot to be friends with. You either trust who you are dating or you don't. He chose to be with you over this girl. If you're worried him grabbing coffee with her is going to tear your relationship apart, you two have big trust issues to work through.

I think he should have been more forthcoming about his past situation with this girl, but he has been honest about their communication. It sounds like your boyfriend is not foolish enough to participate in drama and relay her hurtful and unnecessary messages to you, which would only make it more difficult to continue his friendship with her. Be civil with her whenever you see her and let bygones be bygones. She wants what you have, yes, which makes her act in a catty and mean way, so show your boyfriend that you're above that type of behavior by ignoring it and supporting his decisions.

I have a feeling I'll be in the minority here, but I personally think it's wrong to tell a partner who they can and cannot to be friends with. You either trust who you are dating or you don't. He chose to be with you over this girl. If you're worried him grabbing coffee with her is going to tear your relationship apart, you two have big trust issues to work through.

 

I think he should have been more forthcoming about his past situation with this girl, but he has been honest about their communication. It sounds like your boyfriend is not foolish enough to participate in drama and relay her hurtful and unnecessary messages to you, which would only make it more difficult to continue his friendship with her. Be civil with her whenever you see her and let bygones be bygones. She wants what you have, yes, which makes her act in a catty and mean way, so show your boyfriend that you're above that type of behavior by ignoring it and supporting his decisions.

I agree with this and did write this out, only to delete it.

But. . .at the same time I don't think it's good form that he meets up with her alone, due to the fact that she has an obvious agenda and isn't supportive of his relationship. That's not what `friends' do.

Having said that. . I don't have the perfect answer for this one.

1. She told him that he can do better. Does that mean with her? What do you think she trying to get out?

2. You should just tell him how it bothers you. If you come off jealous then fine but you can't just keep your feelings tucked away you will end up resenting him if the problem is not addressed.

3. I don't know much about it but I'm friends with some of my ex's but I'm also friends with their girlfriend/wife. But they know as clear as day that I'm repulsed by the idea of ever starting another relationship with them. So maybe he can try and invite all three and another friend so it won't be a third wheel situation. Preferably not under the influence of alcohol. Let her get the chance to know the sober you.

I mean at the end of the day I think we can all agree that shes being inappropriate.

I guess its the reaction thats up for debate. Me personally, I dont see the point in controlling your partner. If they act in a way that is disrespectful to you, you either accept it or you dont.

I wouldn't worry so much about being chill for him. You don't trust him, otherwise you wouldn't have gone through his phone. And when you did go through his phone, you saw he's been keeping an inappropriate tie to this woman.

I don't believe in trying to control partners either. I'd chaulk it up to he's not serious enough about you to prioritize you over keeping this chick on the hook. Sure, you could talk about it. But he's already shown you he'll evade it, it's not that he didn't understand what he's doing. And would you want to be with someone who doesn't understand some basic boundaries?

For me, it'd be 'bye'. I know you don't want to break up, the alternative though is suck it up and let them play around while you are with him. Why bother.. it's not like he's the last man on earth.

When someone really values you, they won't piss around with this kind of thing.

Thanks! I agree with this too, and that makes me feel a lot better!!

Valid points.

I don't understand why you would chose to date someone who is still involved with a previous sexual partner in an inappropriate manner. She's still trying to get with him and he's allowing it.

Move on to someone who understands boundaries and doesn't entertain other women he used to have sex with

And just for the sake of being cautious, there's a reason why he's still talking to her and it might be because there's still something going on between the two of them (behind your back) aka, cheating

No he's definitely not cheating. I know that because when he's busy he's at work and when he's not at work he's with me.

He tells me every time he catches up with her and it's just coffee. They are in the same circle of friends too.. so whenever there is a social event she is there, so she's not just some random side chick.

I trust he isn't doing anything sexually like that behind my back.. and I've read the messages he's sent her and they are very platonic. After all he is the one who rejected her when she asked to be her girlfriend (way before I was in the scene).

He's a guy who likes having lots of friends, he's very social.. and you know how some guys love having female friends because it boosts their ego's.

No he's definitely not cheating. I know that because when he's busy he's at work and when he's not at work he's with me.

He tells me every time he catches up with her and it's just coffee. They are in the same circle of friends too.. so whenever there is a social event she is there, so she's not just some random side chick.

I trust he isn't doing anything sexually like that behind my back.. and I've read the messages he's sent her and they are very platonic. After all he is the one who rejected her when she asked to be her girlfriend (way before I was in the scene).

He's a guy who likes having lots of friends, he's very social.. and you know how some guys love having female friends because it boosts their ego's.

Guys usually don't just have "coffee" with their former FWB

So you're with him every second except for when he's having "coffee" with her....mhmmm

OP, don't be afraid to draw a line here. It's not about you being jealous or possessive - it's about your boyfriend not implementing appropriate boundaries with a girl he used to be intimate with, who clearly doesn't support your relationship. You don't need to pretend to be cool with this. The fact that you want to, at the expense of your own feelings, is inauthentic and will breed resentment later. Think of how you'll feel when she continues to ask him to hang out and he continues to say yes.

Men on the more mature side would see that catching up one-on-one with a former FWB (who very likely still wants him) is not cool and not conducive to a committed relationship.

Your boyfriend has some growing up to do. Only you can decide if you are willing to stick around and see if that happens any time soon.

Absolutely no way!! Female friend - fine. Female friend who he had sex with - no. The saying, 'if she's a friend of yours, she's a friend of mine' springs to mind here. This is not straight forward as she has made her feelings quite clear. Why did it only take him two weeks to get over her saying those vile things about you? Another thing that strikes me is that you seem afraid to voice your feelings as you say he 'hates jealous women'. If you always adhere to this notion then you will never be able to tell him when something makes you feel uncomfortable giving him total freedom to behave how ever he wants! You need to tell him that if he dislikes jealousy so much, he must behave in a manor that is mindful of your feelings in order to avoid this. Like MissCanuck said, wanting to feel ok about it is not the same as actually being ok about it. It will eat you up and on top of that he will not learn where your boundaries lie. I would tell him that in the light of the recent disclosure that they have been regularly intimate, you would feel more comfortable if you were to meet as a little group. Do not allow him to manipulate you though, that is wrong.

My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. You're learning WHY.

I'd tell BF that I've been thinking about his friendship with his ex. While I adore him and can picture the two of us together in the future, I need to walk away to preserve that potential. He's free to work out his old business with his ex, and if he ever finds himself free and clear of all contact with her, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up, but if I stick around now, I'll only view contact with her as disloyalty, and I'd rather not see him in that kind of light. Better to set 'us' to the side while we both still think highly of one another, and I wish him the best.

This avoids positioning yourself as his parent, which is the most unsexy thing you can do, and instead it demo's self respect while allowing him to decide when or if he can ever be loyal to you.

Head high.

'..Me personally, I dont see the point in controlling your partner'

IMHO, this isn't about controlling your partner at all. This is about establishing boundaries and sticking to them. It's a matter of respect. And he is being completely disrespectful and she absolutely does not have to put up with it. He is essentially telling her: 'I don't care that me hanging out with this woman I had sex with makes you feel horrible, I will do it anyway and to he** with you and your hurt feelings'. What? No. No way.

When my husband and I first started dating he was fresh out of a 3 year relationship with his ex who badly wanted him back and would ring, text, email and do everything in her power to show him he was welcome back anytime. HE never made any kind of contact with her. This lasted for about six months.. oh the screaming arguments. Broken objects and all (I was the one screaming and breaking objects, not him). I basically told him: if this doesn't stop I am out and that's that - I am NOT accepting any kind of 'pseudo-friendship' with exes. He made it clear to her and it stopped - because I was important enough and because I was MORE important than her.

OP I'd lay down the law and see what happens. I know I personally couldn't in any way shape or form tolerate any kind of association with an ex-anything, gf, fwb, whatever - any person who had intimate contact with my partner in the past.

I agree that I wouldn't allow this. It's not about being jealous or insecure. It's about having enough self respect to stand up for yourself and assert your own boundaries.

"I know she's tried to convince you to break up with me. I know she'd happily enter a relationship with you tomorrow. She's not a friend, as a friend would support whatever makes you happy. I need a partner who prioritizes our relationship. A happy, healthy relationship has no room for potential partners trying to break us up. If you decide our relationship is more important than continuing an inappropriate friendship, great. If not, I will look for a man who will."

No one has to "allow" his friendship with this girl. OP isn't his mother. She had every right to express her discontent with his friendship choice. He decided (as a free-thinking adult) that he wanted to keep the friendship. Now, she has every right to tell him to go get bent and never talk to him again. I get why so many posters would be uncomfortable with the choice to remain friends with her, but the fact is, there is no firm evidence that he is cheating. He's made his position clear, so unless OP wants to give him an ultimatum of her or this girl, she is stuck accepting his decision, however insulting that decision may be.

Her boyfriend will cheat if he feels like it. Her "allowing" the friendship actually will not change that outcome. If he wants to cheat, he may even pick a girl who will bring a hell of a lot less drama into his life. The illusion of controlling a partner's decisions can be addicting, especially if you are someone who has trust issues and has been hurt in the past. I just don't do it.

No one has to "allow" his friendship with this girl. OP isn't his mother. She had every right to express her discontent with his friendship choice. He decided (as a free-thinking adult) that he wanted to keep the friendship. Now, she has every right to tell him to go get bent and never talk to him again. I get why so many posters would be uncomfortable with the choice to remain friends with her, but the fact is, there is no firm evidence that he is cheating. He's made his position clear, so unless OP wants to give him an ultimatum of her or this girl, she is stuck accepting his decision, however insulting that decision may be.

 

Her boyfriend will cheat if he feels like it. Her "allowing" the friendship actually will not change that outcome. If he wants to cheat, he may even pick a girl who will bring a hell of a lot less drama into his life. The illusion of controlling a partner's decisions can be addicting, especially if you are someone who has trust issues and has been hurt in the past. I just don't do it.

She is not "allowing" or not -- she is setting a boundary -- he has a choice of him+fwb girl or him+girlfriend. He has full choice on what to do -- but if he chooses FWB over GF -- sees her one on one even though she wants his bod, then his girlfriend will leave. its setting a boundary.

You're taking the word "allow" to mean whatever it would mean to you in the situation.

No one specified whether or not she should "allow" him to go have coffee with ex-f*ck-buddy. Perhaps we would not allow ourselves to be disrespected, our feelings dismissed, or our boundaries to be crossed. That has nothing to do with controlling your partner. It's about not allowing personal boundaries/values to be ignored without taking action.

Don't get caught up on semantics.

^^^^^^^This!!!^^^^^^^^