Boyfriend of nearly a year is still friends with his old f*** buddy

[SGH]

You're taking the word "allow" to mean whatever it would mean to you in the situation.

 

No one specified whether or not she should "allow" him to go have coffee with ex-f*ck-buddy. Perhaps we would not allow ourselves to be disrespected, our feelings dismissed, or our boundaries to be crossed. That has nothing to do with controlling your partner. It's about not allowing personal boundaries/values to be ignored without taking action.

 

Don't get caught up on semantics.

 

We are actually essentially agreeing. I said in my post that I think she should leave if she doesn't like it. Frankly, I might in her situation choose to be done with the relationship. I don't think she will, though, based on her posts. I think it is more likely she will choose to stay with her boyfriend, act in passive aggressive ways regarding his friendship with this girl, and continue to occasionally peek into his messages (all behaviors mentioned here have already been done by her, and in my opinion controlling ones). Setting a boundary takes action. He already made it clear her feelings on the matter are unimportant to him. If she hasn't ended the relationship yet, she didn't set a boundary.

[indea08]

Yeah, I agree with that.

 

OP, if you don't set this boundary and walk away, you have no leg to stand on in further berating him over this. You said no, he said hes going anyway, now you have to follow through and leave. No one should settle for someone who so easily dismisses their feelings. And as you can see by all the posts here, your feelings are not at all unreasonable. Let's start showing men that we won't be treated this way, we are smart enough to know our worth, and if they aren't up to par, we don't need them.

 

If all of us, as women, held men to better standards, I bet they'd all get it together real quick. We all know they'd never just go without.

[catfeeder]

I would agree that it's not about 'allowing' HIM anything or not, it's about whether you'll allow your Self to be positioned to accept disloyalty. Speaking only for myself, I would not--which means that I'd be willing to walk away unless and until the guy is willing to prioritize having an ex-free relationship with me.

 

That would be my choice, and his choice would be left up to him. After I'm gone.

[Jibralta]

The next day my BF said that she had messaged him saying that she felt like she deserved an apology from me for how I was treating her (he showed me that message, which she did send him).

I said I was going to msg her regardless to say sorry, and I was a drunken mess and not proud of myself.

So I message her... and she said "thanks I appreciate the apology"..

 

I asked him why she hates me so much and he confessed that they use to f*** before he was in a relationship with me, and she liked him and asked him for a relationship with him but he said no. Then he met me, and they stayed friends. That whole time until he told me I didn't know they use to be f*** buddies!

 

Anyway the next day I looked on my BFs phone (behind his back of course), I just had this feeling about something and my instincts were correct!

She has messaged him saying how she doesn't want to ever be in the same vicinity as me again, and how he can do much better than me and hope he comes to his senses and sees he's too good for me etc.. nasty stuff AFTER I had just sent her a really nice msg and said sorry and that she's a cool chick blabla..

 

A couple of days passed and I asked BF if he had spoken to her and he said "no she just messaged some bull and I'm angry at her and she can get f***d".. obviously because of those messages she sent him about me.

He never replied to her messages. So I was content with that and forgot about it.

 

A couple of weeks later he mentioned to me that she had txtd him asking how he is and if he wanted to catch up for coffee, and asked if he can put all that stuff behind him cos she didn't want to loose him as a friend and he replied "don't worry that won't happen".

He showed me those messages... and I asked him "well if she said anything nasty about me then it would be morally wrong for you to catch up with her", he replied "she didn't say anything nasty" then got annoyed that I was making an issue out of it, and he said "I shouldn't of even told you".

 

Good god. Your boyfriend sounds like a vortex of drama. Doesn't it occur to you that he is pitting the two of you against each other?

 

While you're in a relationship, do you maintain an active relationship with men you've slept with and who want to date you? Would you keep them around if they started trash-talking your boyfriend?

[figureitout23]

'..Me personally, I dont see the point in controlling your partner'

 

IMHO, this isn't about controlling your partner at all. This is about establishing boundaries and sticking to them. It's a matter of respect. And he is being completely disrespectful and she absolutely does not have to put up with it. He is essentially telling her: 'I don't care that me hanging out with this woman I had sex with makes you feel horrible, I will do it anyway and to he** with you and your hurt feelings'. What? No. No way.

 

When my husband and I first started dating he was fresh out of a 3 year relationship with his ex who badly wanted him back and would ring, text, email and do everything in her power to show him he was welcome back anytime. HE never made any kind of contact with her. This lasted for about six months.. oh the screaming arguments. Broken objects and all (I was the one screaming and breaking objects, not him). I basically told him: if this doesn't stop I am out and that's that - I am NOT accepting any kind of 'pseudo-friendship' with exes. He made it clear to her and it stopped - because I was important enough and because I was MORE important than her.

 

OP I'd lay down the law and see what happens. I know I personally couldn't in any way shape or form tolerate any kind of association with an ex-anything, gf, fwb, whatever - any person who had intimate contact with my partner in the past.

 

No its control.

 

False control, but control nonetheless.

 

 

This isnt a personal boundary like "Hey I need you to call me after a night of drinking so I know youre ok" this is a universal boundary like cheating or abuse.

 

The dude is not a vegetable. In what world does a grown adult need to be told its inappropriate and disrespectful to go out with an ex whos talking crap about your current mate?

 

Also take into account, OPer has voiced her opinion about this girl and the meeting, he dismissed it.

 

Also take into account, OPer stated she doesnt plan to leave him.

 

Also take into account, OPer is trying to convince him they need to live together

 

So all these reasons make telling him not to go, not only about control but its a terrible idea because it will set the precedent that the OPer has weak boundaries, because she has no intention of actually leaving. So once the boundary is crossed and nothing happens then what?

 

This man has already showed who he is, the odds of it changing are slim to none, so what else do you call it when you know who he is but you want him to change?

 

We are actually essentially agreeing. I said in my post that I think she should leave if she doesn't like it. Frankly, I might in her situation choose to be done with the relationship. I don't think she will, though, based on her posts. I think it is more likely she will choose to stay with her boyfriend, act in passive aggressive ways regarding his friendship with this girl, and continue to occasionally peek into his messages (all behaviors mentioned here have already been done by her, and in my opinion controlling ones). Setting a boundary takes action. He already made it clear her feelings on the matter are unimportant to him. If she hasn't ended the relationship yet, she didn't set a boundary.

 

Couldnt have said it better.

[OceanMoon18]

Thanks. I agree with you 100%.

 

I know he hasn’t cheated on me with her since we’ve been together.

It’s obvious when he speaks to her that it’s purely platonic.. I think he was just using her for sex when he was single before meeting me. I don’t see her as a threat at all, and I’m not jealous of her.

It does annoy me that if it was reverse roles he wouldn’t be happy about me remaining friends with an old FWB.

I definitely wouldn’t stand for it if she was an ex GF but she’s not.

I know he was just using her for a good time in bed... and they remained friends cos I guess he didn’t want to be the bad guy.. plus they are in the same circle of friends so that would of made thing awkward at social events.

They have been friends for quite a while too long before I was in the scene.

 

I’m not happy about him continuing to be friends with her after what she said about me.. but the point is he doesn’t know that I know that she said mean things to him about me like “you can do better than her etc.”

He clearly doesn’t agree with her opinion.

 

I know he loves me.. so I’m just going to ignore what happened and just erase her from my mind.

It’s not worth having dramas in our relationship over it, and that’s what she wants.

[MissCanuck]

I feel for you, OP. I too used to be that girl who was too afraid of standing up for herself, lest the guy leave. I can tell you, it didn't lead anywhere good.

 

Best of luck to you. I think you're going to regret stuffing down your feelings about this.

[abitbroken]

Thanks. I agree with you 100%.

 

I know he hasn’t cheated on me with her since we’ve been together.

It’s obvious when he speaks to her that it’s purely platonic.. I think he was just using her for sex when he was single before meeting me. I don’t see her as a threat at all, and I’m not jealous of her.

It does annoy me that if it was reverse roles he wouldn’t be happy about me remaining friends with an old FWB.

I definitely wouldn’t stand for it if she was an ex GF but she’s not.

I know he was just using her for a good time in bed... and they remained friends cos I guess he didn’t want to be the bad guy.. plus they are in the same circle of friends so that would of made thing awkward at social events.

They have been friends for quite a while too long before I was in the scene.

 

I’m not happy about him continuing to be friends with her after what she said about me.. but the point is he doesn’t know that I know that she said mean things to him about me like “you can do better than her etc.”

He clearly doesn’t agree with her opinion.

 

I know he loves me.. so I’m just going to ignore what happened and just erase her from my mind.

It’s not worth having dramas in our relationship over it, and that’s what she wants.

 

People are defined by the company they keep.

Honestly, you have your head in the sand.

If this girl was someone you guys just ran into at concerts, in the town square, at alumni events if you went to the same school - i would say you ignoring her would be the way to go. your bf can't control what she does.

BUT -- and this is a HUGE BUT -- he is seeing her ONE ON ONE.

 

Its one thing to "let's be friends" meaning "no hard feelings, lets not be enemies" - FINE - but it doesn't mean you actively NURTURE a friendship with that person which he is doing ONE ON ONE.

 

I am not saying he will jump in the sack with her -- but is he going to go to coffee with every woman that insists?

 

When people are married - the motto is "if someone is not FOR your marriage, they are against it and don't belong around."

The same is true of other relationships. If someone is constantly tearing you or your SO down (i am not talking legitimately inappropriate relationships like people being opposed to a 15 year old and 25 year old dating, bigamy, someone having an affair with a married person, etc) and if you or the other person is entertaining them - that is not good or cool. because one starts to listen to them.

 

Also, i don't get the push to get guys to move in -- women want to hurry up and pin them down when the guy is not a great guy all around.

 

Honestly, cool it on living together.

 

BTW, love is cool. Tiger Woods loved his wife - but still ran around on her. Love is just the start...it doesn't mean he has good boundaries.