Husband supports me having affairs please help me understand him

Hi I am trying to understand our relationship because I am very confused

1. Me and my husband both come from strict religious background

2. My husband was virgin when we got married as he strictly followed no sex before marriage. I was sexually experienced with one sexual relationship but I kept it quite when we got married

3 He has low sex drive, lack of sexual experience, lack of knowledge about women’s body and total lack of desire to learn and experiment

4 I have been completely monotonous with him for last 20 years and during this time

5 Any sex between us is always at my insistence, always lying down on bed, always in the dark, always with me with most of my clothes on,

always me taking time and efforts to arouse him including messages, oral play while he just does minimum touching and no oral play, me always on the top till I make him switch where he takes over and quickly finishes off, him never making sure whether I am satisfied or not

6 I begged and pleaded with him to give me oral but his answer was that he tried to do it once and my smell put him off and he will never do that again. I asked him to touch me more, try to finish me off if he comes before me but he is completely uninterested to do that

7 I asked for separation and divorce but he refused and called me selfish

8 I broke down and found men on internet. Have been intimate with 5 men so far. Intercourse with 3 of them. I received oral 3 out of 5 encounters and was able to orgasm during 2 intercourses which is higher than what I have received in previous year of my marriage

9 After a month of this the deception started killing me and I confessed everything to him

His response was completely unexpected. He said “I understand why you did what you did”. I emphasised that I am not going to stop doing it and he is all ready to support me

I am now completely confused

I don’t want him to Understand me. I want him to scream at me at least be disappointed in me, ask me to stop what I am doing and he will make up for it

Will you please help me understand

You're a grown and autonomous human being. It's not his place to "stop you" from doing anything. Without saying for sure, the guy sounds asexual at least to some degree, and thus understands that it's only practical you venture outside the marriage for genuine sexual intimacy. If you want that from a husband, that's fair, but you're pretty much left with only one choice then.

Have you two ever explored this is any form of couples therapy?

So you are saying I should continue doing what I am doing

I have been lucky so far but it’s quite risky what I am doing

I tried to couples counseling but he basically blames me for his lack of interest. At one point I had very low self esteem because of this but after my recent experience I now know I am at least attractive enough for men to want to have sex with me including giving me oral more than once. They are even ready and willing to bear the cost of booking a private place and offer me presents. Men will say anything for free sex so I take their remarks about my attractiveness with a grain of salt

What is the future for me and my marriage if I continue this. Surely I cannot continue doing this indefinitely

It sounds like your husband is either asexual, or simply still suppressed by his religious upbringing and the pressure that created around that great human act known as sex. I understand that you probably had hope that, once married, your sexual dynamic would change, but you've known for over two decades that it hasn't.

It sounds like therapy has long been in order for you guys. Start the discussion there and see if you can find something that works.

Well I did try therapy twice but as I mentioned before he blames me for his lack of interest

e.g. My smell putting him off from giving me oral

Neither me nor the therapist can force him can convince him to give it another try

At one point I suspected that he might be gay deeply in a closet. So deep that even he doesn’t know about But I don’t think that’s the case because he definitely looks attracted to women

It’s possible he is just not attracted to me but I do

Your posts seem to be screaming, 'someone tell me to stop'!

You are your own moral compass.

What you're doing is throwing a tantrum like a toddler except what you're doing is putting you at risk for STD's.

I'm going to risk making a huge assumption and guess you don't feel heard and did this to force his hand to change and instead, he was understanding.

This isn't how you solve problems. Communicate with your husband. Try therapy again. Tell him you want to be heard and you don't truly want to do this you simply don't know what else to do.

Whether he is asexual or repressed, there are many things you two can do. Have you tried toys? This was a knee jerk reaction that went from 0 to 100 and it really seems like it was used as a Hail Mary.

You want to be desired and wanted by your husband. I can't imagine what it would feel like to be missing that in a relationship, but you can reach some sort of compromise in ways that don't put you at risk.

I think he's gay, asexual, phycological or has hormonal issues. But he is for sure a selfish lover.

The only reason I'm leaning towards gay is because he has sex with you in the dark and makes you keep your clothes on. He barely even touches you. It takes him awhile to get hard.

Is he at least great in other parts of your relationship?

Believe me I know I am behaving like a child

I don’t like what I am doing either

I did start the whole thing to force his hand and agree for separation

I have tried communicating with him numerous times including sending him emails

Giving me explicit instructions on what to do when in a bedroom

I did suggest toys, different sexual positions,

other ways to pleasure each other if he is not interested in intercourse or giving oral including use of toys

I have begged, I have cried

At the end of the day I also have a need to feed desired

He either can’t or won’t do anything, wouldn’t reply to any of my communication attempts

It’s all one sided and I have reached a point where I have run out of patience

He is good husband, a good friend, a good provider

Can be shot tempered or overly critical

Talking to him feels like banging my head against the wall sometimes

He is good husband, a good friend, a good provider

Can be shot tempered or overly critical

So I don't understand what makes him a good husband. Why did you marry this guy 20 years ago?

Also, you just said something very telling. He's short tempered and overly critical? Is this to the point where he's angry all the time and he insults you and calls you names? Is he being controlling and manipulative? Why don't you just leave? You don't need permission to just take your stuff and leave. Go live your life before it's over. You're detailing a life with no intimacy and only negative emotions. Your relationship is extremely toxic if you don't want to live like this. I would think leaving would be better than cheating right in front of your husband. He seems to have the emotions of a child. You need to leave him.

So I don't understand what makes him a good husband. Why did you marry this guy 20 years ago?

 

Also, you just said something very telling. He's short tempered and overly critical? Is this to the point where he's angry all the time and he insults you and calls you names? Is he being controlling and manipulative? Why don't you just leave? You don't need permission to just take your stuff and leave. Go live your life before it's over. You're detailing a life with no intimacy and only negative emotions. Your relationship is extremely toxic if you don't want to live like this. I would think leaving would be better than cheating right in front of your husband. He seems to have the emotions of a child. You need to leave him.

He is not angry all the time. He took my revelation very calmly perhaps too calmly when I was expecting criticism and anger from him. The reason I don’t leave him is because we have kids together and it will he thinks it will devastate the kids if we separate. In my opinion my kids are quite resilient and they won’t thank me for living a lie. Other reason I want an amicable separation is that after 20 years of marriage we are tied together financially. We both work full time and equally contribute to finances. He has refused to even amicable separation. If he wants to drag it out through legal process then the lawyers will have a field day and it will end up costing both of us. You are right in saying that he is behaving like a child

But how do I reason with this child

I should mention that his lack of interest coupled with his overly critical nature almost destroyed my self esteem

One of the reasons I trolled for men online was I was desperately looking for something to boost my self esteem

You and your husband are incompatible in a relationship. It's time for you to leave him regardless of what he calls you because you are not selfish. You have tried to talk to him about some change but he just won't.

Move out, do what you want with whom you want without feeling guilty.

Have you tried doing other things besides therapy? Like getting tested to see if he has low testosterone? Have they diagnosed him with any social disabilities?

Everyone saying just leave or that his abusive. He just sounds like a selfish love. He is obviously not a slacker and fulfills other needs.

I think you guys both need to sit down and figure out why he's doing this. Maybe send your kids to their grandparents for a day. Because at this point it sounds like he just got married and had kids to fulfill society norms or to please his parents.

I broke down and found men on internet. Have been intimate with 5 men so far. Intercourse with 3 of them. I received oral 3 out of 5 encounters and was able to orgasm during 2 intercourses which is higher than what I have received in previous year of my marriage

9 After a month of this the deception started killing me and I confessed everything to him

His response was completely unexpected. He said “I understand why you did what you did”. I emphasised that I am not going to stop doing it and he is all ready to support me

 

I am now completely confused

I don’t want him to Understand me. I want him to scream at me at least be disappointed in me, ask me to stop what I am doing and he will make up for it

Will you please help me understand

Who knows .........maybe he's been doing the exact same thing. Just a thought.

Who knows .........maybe he's been doing the exact same thing. Just a thought.

I did suspect him having an affair and asked him directly

He has denied having an affair

I have no way of knowing, proving or disproving

Besides if that was the case why would he refuse separation

Have you tried doing other things besides therapy? Like getting tested to see if he has low testosterone? Have they diagnosed him with any social disabilities?

 

Everyone saying just leave or that his abusive. He just sounds like a selfish love. He is obviously not a slacker and fulfills other needs.

 

I think you guys both need to sit down and figure out why he's doing this. Maybe send your kids to their grandparents for a day. Because at this point it sounds like he just got married and had kids to fulfill society norms or to please his parents.

Yes I do think he got married because he was supposed to get married rather than real desire to get married

But marriage is a constant work and you need a committed partner to make it work

Based on his response I don’t think he cares all that much about me but wants to stay married because of society

But he can and will certainly make my life harder if I insist on separation even pitting my kids against me

He already called me selfish in front of them

He is good husband, a good friend, a good provider

Can be shot tempered or overly critical

That's three clinical sounding 'goods' there. But is there fun, passion or any other aspect of romance? Does he take you out for dinner, buy thoughtful gifts, or use careful verbal communication to make you feel special in other ways? You don't sound very happy and to be honest he sounds like a bit of a prude who possibly used his religion as a useful tool to avoid sex as long as possible. A healthy sex life is quite an important aspect of a relationship but when your sex drives are so incompatible, it basically comes down to whether the other aspects of the marriage are strong enough for you to want to stay. I know couples therapy hasn't worked for you, but maybe just therapy for you alone might help you organise your thoughts. Also, as quite a significant side note, I would strongly advise against sleeping with strange men in hotel rooms - not taking the moral high ground at all - just concerned for your welfare. Charmers can often be very dangerous people.

That's three clinical sounding 'goods' there. But is there fun, passion or any other aspect of romance? Does he take you out for dinner, buy thoughtful gifts, or use careful verbal communication to make you feel special in other ways? You don't sound very happy and to be honest he sounds like a bit of a prude who possibly used his religion as a useful tool to avoid sex as long as possible. A healthy sex life is quite an important aspect of a relationship but when your sex drives are so incompatible, it basically comes down to whether the other aspects of the marriage are strong enough for you to want to stay. I know couples therapy hasn't worked for you, but maybe just therapy for you alone might help you organise your thoughts. Also, as quite a significant side note, I would strongly advise against sleeping with strange men in hotel rooms - not taking the moral high ground at all - just concerned for your welfare. Charmers can often be very dangerous people.

I know that I am not complete idiot. I tried celibacy but it’s not for me. I don’t miss sex itself as I can take care of myself with toys. What I miss the most is the touch. I literally get touch starved which drives me to the brink of depression. I try to control the situation as much as possible. I decide on the time and venue. Sometimes I even book the room

I should mention that his lack of interest coupled with his overly critical nature almost destroyed my self esteem

One of the reasons I trolled for men online was I was desperately looking for something to boost my self esteem

This is the main symptom of emotional abuse. Google it and see if it describes your husband. I can hear your lack of self-esteem in your posts. You're emotionally dependent on this guy. You don't love him. If you make enough money you can leave. Take your half of any savings and take your kids and go start your life somewhere else. If he won't agree to a separation or a divorce, then there are no lawyers involved and you can do what you want. It's only if he starts divorce and custody procedures against you that he can do something. If he starts divorce proceedings, then you have your out. If he doesn't, then you have a chance at a new life.

Well I have be honest. If we are talking about emotional abuse then there is little bit of it on both sides

He does want me to walk, dress and behave in certain ways

But I also kind of criticise him for his bedroom performance

In the US you don't need permission to separate/divorce. Nor do people stay married "for society". You are with an abusive jerk, who may be on the down low or has a wife with other men kink....and so do you. If both of you are ok with this arrangement, practice safe sex.

It sounds like an open marriage since he knows. You seem to be vehemently against any solution, so you and your husband at least agree on that.

I don’t think he cares all that much about me but wants to stay married because of society

He is passive and not a participant in your marriage. You will have to leave, and you will need support of friends and/or therapist while you extricate yourself. He will appear one way while in truth, he has abandoned you.