Any opinions would be appreciated

Me and my ex girlfriend have been broken up for 6 months now. Out of these, the first four were spent on an up and down emotional rollercoaster, I could never get myself to go no contact. I saw more potential in the relationship, and I was absolutely certain that whatever problems we had could be fixed easily. I will try to give as much context as I can, but you can never truly get the whole story as the other person in the relationship is not present and I’m a stranger to everyone on here, but I will do my best to remain unbiased in what I say here...although there’s always bias when feelings are involved as I’m sure everyone knows.

So during these four months, I worked hard on myself while maintaining on and off contact with my ex. In hindsight, it was a bad idea, nonetheless I worked on the issues I saw that bothered her, and learned a lot from the events that unfolded. I saw that her being distant and the lack of communication is what ultimately led me to behaving the way I did, yet I’m sure there are whole bunch of other factors that led to her breaking up with me. I’d like to give more context but all I can say is that in the end I emerged a better man due to this relationship. We both made mistakes, I learned from mine, I hope she learned from hers.

To get to the point. At around the three month period of the breakup we decided we’d be more than friends. That we’d meet up after a few weeks and spend some time together. Two weeks before the meet up she suddenly decided to up and disappear, when everything seemed to be going alright. I tried reaching out, but she ghosted me. I had already made plans and reservations so I was genuinely disappointed as I was looking forward to this meet up. The weekend we were supposed to spend together comes and goes, that’s when I go no contact. I decided this is what’s best for me. I always made sure she was happy during our relationship, I was always the one putting effort, and being the best me I can be, but there’s always room for improvement and that’s what I did before and more so after going no contact.

Nearly two months of no contact pass by, I’ve dated, slept with, and befriended other women, yet I always had the feeling that there was unfinished business between us and no closure...so she’d cross my mind at times and I knew I wasn’t ready to commit emotionally to anyone else at this time so I always tried to maintain my distance (emotionally) from others to avoid hurting them and myself for the time being.

Last Saturday I get a call from her. I’m shocked, I honestly thought I’d never hear from her again after the stunt she pulled and how she treated me after ending the relationship. I honestly was never going to reach out to her again because things did not end on a good note between us, I maintained a respectful attitude towards her and still loved her for the person she was during our relationship and for the lessons she taught me after it ended. Anyways, it was 2 AM in the morning, she was tipsy, and wanted to wish a happy birthday two weeks early...on the day me and her had made plans 7 months prior to go on a trip and watch a concert in another country. I’d just like to get any thoughts and opinions on this, I’m fine with the situation but I guess I’m overthinking it and would like some insight into this.

Thank you in advance, and I hope you find peace like I did (p.s. learn from my mistake, never break no contact unless you’re indifferent to your ex or you hear the words ‘I want you back’ if that’s what you want)

Look. Your relationship had problems. The fact that you said you were working on fixing yourself probably means you were the cause of the problems. You had ex-sex. OK. A lot of people do that. She drunk dialed you. People do that too.

The relationship is over and you've got to go totally No Contact - block her, delete her, etc. You're never going to heal if you keep contacting her and allowing her to contact you. Forget her and move on. Your closure is that it ended.

I don't agree with DanZee that you were definitely the cause of the problems. It sounds like you guys had a classic pursuer-distancer dynamic, which requires two people to maintain. If you're curious to learn more about the toxic pattern the two of you engaged in, a simple google search will lead you to many informative articles.

That being said, DanZee is correct that your relationship is over, and that your openness to her contacting you will prevent you from healing. I'm sure the two of you loved each other very much. However, the fact of the matter is the two of you aren't compatible and are unable to maintain a stable relationship. I understand it is very painful to move on, but you need to shut the door for good and forget about reconciling. She will disappear again, and when she does, you'll be right back at square one.

I can respect the response of the two above, however I would tell you that, from right now it looks as though the relationship is over, but don't put yourself in a place where you're "bettering yourself" for someone else. Learn to do it for yourself. She may have had secondary thoughts and that is why she called you, but it doesn't matter at this point. The two of you clearly were at different places in your life but don't focus on that. YOu have already come to terms with what happened, let it be and do everything you can to become someone you can respect. This is the place you retain your dignity which is sounds like you placed in her hands. The past is the past, go forth and be good and kind to everyone around you, this is the quickest way to healing and learn to turn your thinking off. If you practice some form of spirituality, now would be the time to get into contact with someone who has been through your situation who shares your spirituality.

No ex-sex...and seems like you jumped straight to conclusions. When a relationship goes wrong both parties are responsible, in this case it was her more than me, she just didn’t want to communicate. Thanks anyways DanZee

Did the improvement for me tonstar, like I said I’m a better man after this, just curious as to what others thoughts are on the call. I knew I should’ve kept no contact but curiosity got the best of me and I picked that call up, so I got curious as to why she’d call especially while tipsy, yet fully coherent, to wish me an early birthday 2 weeks before the fact

SGH, ya you have valid points all of which I thought of before. Yet again, relationship are two way streets, they fail due to fault from both sides, unless there’s abuse or a sociopath involved...yet like you said in the end her actions led me to that toxic pattern you speak of, I agree

She was tipsy and just wanted some attention from someone she knew would give it to her, even after she disrespected him by blowing him off completely.

That someone is you.

I wouldn't take her getting in touch now like nothing happened as a good sign.

SGH, ya you have valid points all of which I thought of before. Yet again, relationship are two way streets, they fail due to fault from both sides, unless there’s abuse or a sociopath involved...yet like you said in the end her actions led me to that toxic pattern you speak of, I agree

Even in cases of abuse, I believe the person accepting the abuse must look inside themselves and ask how they came to be a part of the abusive situation and why they continue to accept unacceptable behavior. Unhealthy relationships reveal a lot about both people involved. I have been involved in a situation not unlike yours before, and even now feel myself drawn to a person who was a poor communicator, as well as a somewhat lacking partner. However, I resist pursuing the individual again, because I know how the involvement will end.

It will do you no good to tell yourself she "lead" you to the toxic pattern. The pattern was created by both of you and breeds misery on both sides. I hope you choose to be accountable, ignore the drunken phone call, and elect to find someone new who will show you the same amount of love and commitment as you show them. Good luck!

She was tipsy and just wanted some attention from someone she knew would give it to her, even after she disrespected him by blowing him off completely.

 

That someone is you.

 

I wouldn't take her getting in touch now like nothing happened as a good sign.

You hit the nail on the head, MissCanuck. She was bold enough to reach out because she was drunk.

As someone that just got out of a toxic, intense relationship, I can tell you that you shouldn't think too much into this. The push/pull dynamic is too familiar. The yearning/feening emotions similar to those associated with drug addictions are common. It will take time to retrain your brain and break the toxic cycle. Her making contact with you is enough to have your nose wide open and suck you back in all over again. As in needing that "fix" from her. I can relate. But I also know what's going to happen in my case: He comes back, he's nice and sweet for a week or two; we have make up sex, when he thinks he has me back under his "control" again, he will start being insulting and critical again, and we start arguing again. I'll get fed up and distance myself- his life will become quiet and boring without me (I'm dramatic, moody and unpredictable, I admit)and he will pull again-wash, rinse, repeat. Sound familiar? As in, the highs and lows?

You and this woman are a toxic combination. Now is the time to get whatever closure you feel you need from her, although closure can rarely be achieved in toxic, intense roller coaster relationships. Go back to NC, and continue to work on healing for yourself.

Even in cases of abuse, I believe the person accepting the abuse must look inside themselves and ask how they came to be a part of the abusive situation and why they continue to accept unacceptable behavior. Unhealthy relationships reveal a lot about both people involved. I have been involved in a situation not unlike yours before, and even now feel myself drawn to a person who was a poor communicator, as well as a somewhat lacking partner. However, I resist pursuing the individual again, because I know how the involvement will end.

 

It will do you no good to tell yourself she "lead" you to the toxic pattern. The pattern was created by both of you and breeds misery on both sides. I hope you choose to be accountable, ignore the drunken phone call, and elect to find someone new who will show you the same amount of love and commitment as you show them. Good luck!

I second this. The hardest thing to do is look within ourselves but there's so many answers there! Way more than you'll ever find trying to find clarity in someone else. That's still trying to find completeness in someone else.

All completely valid points, and I agree smJackson, at some point I knew she’d reach out because she misses the excitement I provided her with and she probably wanted some validation that she’s not a horrible person for what she did, but as everyone else stated the relationship dynamics shifted to toxic and unhealthy at some point during the course of the relationship and after it. I realized I put her on a pedestal, and that was a huge mistake knowing full well if I hadn’t she’d realize she wouldn’t play the games she did because she’d be afraid of losing someone like me.

I’ve done most of my healing, that call was a minor hiccup on the road, but going NC again is what I figured is best as well. I got my sh*t together, I hope she can too. I hold no ill towards her, I hope she does some growing and maturing like I have.

I mean, who wouldn't want to remain in contact with someone who thinks you fart rainbows, even if you no longer want to be in a relationship with them?

But that's selfish. She no longer should get to have access to you for her own ego boosts or attention. She gave up that right when she chose to end the relationship.

All completely valid points, and I agree smJackson, at some point I knew she’d reach out because she misses the excitement I provided her with and she probably wanted some validation that she’s not a horrible person for what she did, but as everyone else stated the relationship dynamics shifted to toxic and unhealthy at some point during the course of the relationship and after it. I realized I put her on a pedestal, and that was a huge mistake knowing full well if I hadn’t she’d realize she wouldn’t play the games she did because she’d be afraid of losing someone like me.

I’ve done most of my healing, that call was a minor hiccup on the road, but going NC again is what I figured is best as well. I got my sh*t together, I hope she can too. I hold no ill towards her, I hope she does some growing and maturing like I have.

I could feel the passive aggression spilling out of your words.

Youre not there yet and its understandable, stop focusing on her, focus on you. The opposite of love isnt hate and it certainly isnt pity, thats your ego talking, its indifference. Utter and complete indifference.

Lol boltnrun, I agree it was selfish of her, I had a moment of weakness and picked up the phone so it’s also my fault. Figureitout is right I’m not quite there yet, and yes I tend to be somewhat passive aggressive no doubt. Yet it’s better to vent on here than to really give it to her straight, there’s a lot that was left unsaid and little left to say anyways...if you get my jist.

Indifference is truly key, but as boltnrun said, I fart rainbows haha. I’m just optimistic and know my good qualities outweigh my bad ones. Yet for my own sake cutting contact is the best thing I can do.

Yes, it is, one day at a time, you will get there.

Um, I meant she knows you think she's the greatest thing ever, which is why she reaches out to you for an ego boost or for attention. If she thought you didn't still care, she wouldn't bother.

I think she knows I kept myself composed when she called. The tipsy a way to give herself a “good” reason to call, I’m positive she was fully coherent to the fact that she called and remembers what was said. I highly doubt she had more than a drink in her system then.

...and yes boltnrun, she knew I still cared, that’s just who I am. I don’t take the time I spent with someone I formed a deep connection with and was intimate with lightly. I opened up myself to her and left myself completely vulnerable, and I rarely do that with anyone including previous exes.

Even if I don’t care anymore, still doesn’t excuse the fact that she called, there was no reason for her to call. The relationship is done, why reach out? I told her I want no friendship, and her disappearing on me like that just reinforced my decision back then. Calling me under the pretense of wishing me a happy birthday two weeks early just seemed funny to me, and on the day we were supposed to go on a trip together.

During the call I asked her if she was drunk, she said no at first. So I pushed again and told her she was tipsy and she said yes. So I asked if she was driving, she said she shouldn’t but yes, that was just me indirectly finding out how much she drank, knowing her she would never drive if she was a little too tipsy...so she was fully coherent and it wasn’t liquid courage. That’s the only reason I dug deeper into this call, otherwise if she was drunk I’d just dismiss the call and see if she reaches out sober. Anyways it’s NC again because nothing good will come out of this. She’ll keep reaching out for a quick pick me up and an ego boost...it’s cute lol.

What do you want the call to mean, OP?

It seems you want to believe it's a sign that she might want you back, no?

Hope but never expect. Look forward but never wait. Emotions, when strong enough, always triumph over logic. The emotional side of me sees it as a sign, or rather wants it to be a sign. My logical side is telling me to stop being an idiot.

That’s what I get for breaking NC when not ready, I thought I was. I did the healing, got my confidence back (never lost it honestly), dated, but I still have some deep seated emotions for the woman I guess. You never stop loving someone, they just tend to fade to the back of your mind. Guess that call stirred something in me. There was absolutely no reason for her to call, I’m just trying to make sense of something that makes no sense to me I guess.

#optimismyooo......lol

Hope but never expect. Look forward but never wait. Emotions, when strong enough, always triumph over logic. The emotional side of me sees it as a sign, or rather wants it to be a sign. My logical side is telling me to stop being an idiot.

That’s what I get for breaking NC when not ready, I thought I was. I did the healing, got my confidence back (never lost it honestly), dated, but I still have some deep seated emotions for the woman I guess. You never stop loving someone, they just tend to fade to the back of your mind. Guess that call stirred something in me. There was absolutely no reason for her to call, I’m just trying to make sense of something that makes no sense to me I guess.

 

#optimismyooo......lol

I think your ego is getting in the way of your healing. No judgement, I'm guilty myself, but when it starts turning into denial and you start making nonsensical statements like:

Hope but never expect. Look forward but never wait. Emotions, when strong enough, always triumph over logic.

you leave yourself vulnerable to make the same mistake cause you convince yourself you can handle not establishing boundaries, when the truth is her contacting you has completely thrown you off and you're having a hard time accepting that there was no meaning to her contacting you.

Trying to make sense of someone elses actions is the definition of insanity, you can only control yourself.

Hope but never expect. Look forward but never wait. Emotions, when strong enough, always triumph over logic. The emotional side of me sees it as a sign, or rather wants it to be a sign. My logical side is telling me to stop being an idiot.

That’s what I get for breaking NC when not ready, I thought I was. I did the healing, got my confidence back (never lost it honestly), dated, but I still have some deep seated emotions for the woman I guess. You never stop loving someone, they just tend to fade to the back of your mind. Guess that call stirred something in me. There was absolutely no reason for her to call, I’m just trying to make sense of something that makes no sense to me I guess.

#optimismyooo......lol

We have speculated about her reasons, though only she knows what those are. Going over and over the possible scenarios will drive you nuts.

Unless and until you hear more and you two start talking reconciliation, there is nothing to go on but a girl who wanted some validation after treating you like a toy.

Ya I guess after breakups it’s all about ego and pride, I have to get rid of my ego by putting a stop to trying to find meaning in something that has none. The least I can do is hold on to my pride after what happened. That call was unnecessary on her part, it did derail my progress slightly, no harm done I don’t hate her for it.

I want to find meaning in that call because some part of me still cares for that woman, but I guess I have to be selfish and indifferent because that’s what’s best for me at this point. I know I shouldn’t expect an apology for her past behavior, but that’s the only reason I picked up that phone call....I thought she had something more meaningful to say.

Thanks guys and gals

Misscanuck you seem logical and that’s the kind of advice I need now. I just got a call from her last night and this morning, I couldn’t answer them and wasn’t going to even if I was able to answer them. Then I read a text from her telling me “Hi! I know it’s late and I think you might be preoccupied for tomorrow, but my grandad just passed and I need an emergency ticket to go attend the funeral. Please let me know if you can help...if not I understand”.

Me being sympathetic by nature, I just wanted to give her my condolences and see what she wanted, as it made absolutely no sense as to why she’d ask this of me. She’s a working woman with a decent wage and has friends and family that can help her out. So I called back a few minutes after her calling me this morning, but it went straight to voicemail twice. I am absolutely not going to be doing her any favors, all I want to do is give her my condolences. I should stick to no contact and hope she doesn’t reach out again, this is just her being selfish and trying to milk me one more time. I hate to be insensitive, but I believe I’m right in assuming the worse. All I’m getting is sketchy ‘I’m going to use you’ vibes...

I would reply with a message of condolences for the death, but that you are not in a position to help her with a ticket. Let her interpret that as she will.

As you said, she works and has friends and family she could turn to for financial help. It's awfully selfish and inappropriate to ask you for money after all of this. No way would I be giving her money.