Her EX boyfriend is staying at her parents house?

Recently I met a girl I’m very interested in we’ve been spending time together a lot and we’re even taking a small day trip together this upcoming Saturday. Although I’m very interested to see where this goes... I have one concern. Her and her ex broke up 2 years ago but apparently her parents are still good friends with his parents.. so much so that they are flying in from Australia in December to stay with them.. and her ex is coming too. She swears to me that she is over him and she thinks it might be awkward as well.. but apparently he is still very interested in her and she tells me that he still contacts her asking to get back together.

I don’t know how to handle this situation or what to think of it... I just know that I’m uncomfortable with it.

Any thoughts?

Male 23

Female 21

Is the ex from Australia? Or is the ex local?

If the ex's parents and her parents developed a friendship - i see nothing wrong with the parents spending time together. My parents have stayed close friends with parents of a girl my brother dated in high school. They hadn't seen eachother in years, but the parents are still friends.

If she does not live with her parents and express she is uncomfortable, this is clearly something she does not want to happen so I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt on it. Afterall - she was VERY upfront even though its months away. If she makes it clear she is not interested, and does not see the ex -- all the better.

If you have doubts about it, then breakup and see what happens after the ex's visit. Or trust that she was put in an awkward position.

I think she needs to be very clear with her parents and the ex that she does not want him back.

Why is she volunteering this tidbit? Is it a warning or to create drama and unnecessary jealousy? Or is she just immature and convinced she's god's gift that no man can get over? Are you a secret? Why is she still communicating with him this much and not telling him she has a new bf?

apparently he is still very interested in her and she tells me that he still contacts her asking to get back together.

Why is she volunteering this tidbit? Is it a warning or to create drama and unnecessary jealousy? Or is she just immature and convinced she's god's gift that no man can get over? Are you a secret? Why is she still communicating with him this much and not telling him she has a new bf?

I was focusing on the actual visit, not that part. Yes, that is odd that she is telling him that the bf wants to get back with her

If she lives with her parents, I would be hesitant to get involved with her right now. It could all be innocent - or it could all be more than what she’s telling you. I would say that it would be best to back off and just be friends for a bit. The good news is that being friends first, you can really take the time to figure out this situation and build a solid foundation for later (if you still want to date her later).

If she does not live with her parents, that’s a bit more “normal” - and it would make more sense to see where things go. Personally, though, I would want to meet her parents sooner rather than later before getting too emotionally invested (they are less likely to be willing to actively deceive you).

But I agree that the whole “he wants me back so bad” comment is either a huge flag of insecurity or a means to provoke jealousy or an admission of guilt of some sort. This part is not good.

I am not so quick to judge her if 1) she lives with her parents, 2) asked or is open to asking for the ex to stay elsewhere during the visit, her with you, or you with her, 3) you are or are close to being committed, and 4) her texts to the ex are shutting him down or with limited contact in order to convey she isn't interested in him.

If he is visiting her home in the near future it will be even more awkward or lead to possibly more aggressive behavior if he doesn't know she isn't interested from the start. If she lives with her parents and has expressed to them her adversion for her ex staying, while they continue his stay anyway, then you should offer to come over or invite her to your place in the meantime if you two are an official couple. If not an official couple, then you have no say in this and I would tend to believe her comments on this come with a hidden agenda. If you are official, or have talked about it, then I think she is hoping you'll offer to stay with her in order to make her feel more comfortable.

In her shoes, she probably knows this is a bad situation in the context of a relationship, wants to be completely open and respect your emotions. She is probably having a hard time asking you to stay while an ex will most likely be openly pinning for her. She likely believes he will do this, in your presence or not, but less if you are there. Regardless, you seeing this would be upsetting. The alternative would be to ask to stay with you, although she may think she'll impose on you. I suggest to offer these options.

Well, it's not up to you to handle the situation other than to stay calm. She has to handle the situation.

But like yatsue said, how about you offer to have her move in with you while they're visiting, or the two of you go on a Christmas vacation somewhere that gets her out of the situation at home. The ex's parents could even sleep in her bedroom, if they like. It would be a lovely time to visit Australia, particularly since it'll be summer there, or go skiing in Switzerland. Think about it.

Will she be there too? Where is everyone staying and for how long? Seems like a red flag to me. If you've just met her I'd say this is crossing some boundaries and you just might want to stay uncommitted and date some other women. If he is staying under the same roof with her, I wouldn't advise pursuing this woman.

The fact that she remains in contact with him while knowing that he "wants her back badly" is the more important concern here, (imo). I could be off base, but this in turn would tell me she still has ties with him.

Either way, it's not your job to patrol her while he visits. She's an adult who's capable of choosing how to handle the situation, and how she does so, should show you where you stand.

I'd either walk away, or proceed with extreme caution.

I envision at lot of slamming of doors and disrupted sleep if you all are in the same spot. Like a French farce.

Why are her parents trying so hard to get this guy into her life and so rude to you, knowing you and she are dating? And what's up ex-BF?

Don't you feel as though there are gaps in your understanding of what is going on?

Thanks for the responses everyone, she does not live at home she lives by herself. She has expressed a concern of awkwardness that could/will be present when they arrive in December. I feel as if the circumstance as a whole is incredibly bizarre, specifically because he is coming with. I understand parents staying friends after breakups, but this situation to me is very weird. I am in no place to say one way or another because we have not been seeing each other for that long.. but if continuous contact with her ex has been going on for two years.. thats a red flag for me.

Not really sure how to handle this, still..

thanks,

positiveone

Well, this is a somewhat different situation. She doesn't have to visit her parents house at all when her ex is there. She can avoid the situation completely. What her parents do is no concern of yours or hers. So I don't know what you think you have to handle other than being supportive of her. You're jumping to conclusions that she's been in contact with her ex. And where is the ex boyfriend now? Is he in Australia too, or is he around there? Look, if you want out of the relationship, you don't have to use this as an excuse. But so far, you haven't given any reason to be jealous. And she didn't have to tell you about it either.

Thanks for the responses everyone, she does not live at home she lives by herself. She has expressed a concern of awkwardness that could/will be present when they arrive in December. I feel as if the circumstance as a whole is incredibly bizarre, specifically because he is coming with. I understand parents staying friends after breakups, but this situation to me is very weird. I am in no place to say one way or another because we have not been seeing each other for that long.. but if continuous contact with her ex has been going on for two years.. thats a red flag for me.

 

Not really sure how to handle this, still..

 

thanks,

positiveone

Oh I was under the impression she was living with her parents, which makes me ask why did she bring this up at all? I am now going with she is either guiltily honest, due to talking to an ex who still pines for her while dating you, or wants you to get jealous. This should be a non-issue, unless he's still harassing her after trying to cut communication. Her and his parents' friendship alone isn't weird to me, but she shouldn't need to worry about this visit because she can avoid the interaction completely. Hence avoiding any awkward confrontations.

I am going to guess you two aren't exclusive or committed yet. If so, then you really don't have a say in what she does until you are. However, you can still choose to continue or discontinue seeing her. You wouldn't even need an explanation, just say it isn't working out. Or be honest and say you don't want to get involved with an ex in the picture. I would need to know more information to see if I would continue:

Who is she going to feel awkward to? How will she feel awkward? Is she going to visit while they're over? What are her conversations with her ex like (frequency, content, etc)? How long have you been dating?

Agree. Since you haven't been dating long just take a wait and see approach.

continuous contact with her ex has been going on for two years.. thats a red flag for me.

Thanks for the responses everyone, she does not live at home she lives by herself. She has expressed a concern of awkwardness that could/will be present when they arrive in December. I feel as if the circumstance as a whole is incredibly bizarre, specifically because he is coming with. I understand parents staying friends after breakups, but this situation to me is very weird. I am in no place to say one way or another because we have not been seeing each other for that long.. but if continuous contact with her ex has been going on for two years.. thats a red flag for me.

 

Not really sure how to handle this, still..

 

thanks,

positiveone

I'll be honest, I'm not following all of this. Who lives where, and when her parents invite this ex boyfriend to come with them.....he is coming with them to go where and where will everyone be staying?

Here is what you wrote: "they are flying in from Australia in December to stay with them". You said "they are flying in from Australia" Her parents live in Australia and they are flying to where you are to visit the daughter? You also said: "flying in from Australia to stay with THEM". Who is them? I guess my main question is if this ex boyfriend will just be staying with the parents.....and not be staying under the same roof as your girlfriend or if these parents have taken it upon themselves to bring this EX with them to stay at your girlfriends home? The parents live out of town and are visiting? They are visiting the daughter? If so where are the parents staying? I mean if my mom and dad wanted to come visit me and stay at my house a week but said "oh and we are bringing your ex too so make up an extra bed for them" I'd just say hell no. You aren't welcome in my home with the ex. I will not be seeing that person or staying in the same abode as them and they aren't welcome in my home.

Could you please clarify this situation more clearly. Who lives where, who is visiting who, where are the parents, the ex and the girlfriend living/staying during this trip or visit???

I'll be honest, I'm not following all of this. Who lives where, and when her parents invite this ex boyfriend to come with them.....he is coming with them to go where and where will everyone be staying?

 

Here is what you wrote: "they are flying in from Australia in December to stay with them". You said "they are flying in from Australia" Her parents live in Australia and they are flying to where you are to visit the daughter? You also said: "flying in from Australia to stay with THEM". Who is them? I guess my main question is if this ex boyfriend will just be staying with the parents.....and not be staying under the same roof as your girlfriend or if these parents have taken it upon themselves to bring this EX with them to stay at your girlfriends home? The parents live out of town and are visiting? They are visiting the daughter? If so where are the parents staying? I mean if my mom and dad wanted to come visit me and stay at my house a week but said "oh and we are bringing your ex too so make up an extra bed for them" I'd just say hell no. You aren't welcome in my home with the ex. I will not be seeing that person or staying in the same abode as them and they aren't welcome in my home.

 

Could you please clarify this situation more clearly. Who lives where, who is visiting who, where are the parents, the ex and the girlfriend living/staying during this trip or visit???

Its pretty clear that the ex's parents from Australia are staying with the girlfriend's mom and dad because the parents are friends. Now its clear that the OP's girlfriend does not live with her parents

What is not clear is

1) Ex lives nearby and is coming to the parents' house because his mom and dad are in town

OR

2) ex also lives in Australia and is tagging along with his parents because its a family vacation.

3) If ex is there to try to win the OP's girlfriend back blatantly and either sets of parents are hoping to matchmake

OR

4) ex just tagged along because he wanted to come back to the country.

5) If the girlfriend is just reporting what's going on in her life and needed to vent

or

6) wants the OP to be jealous

I am leaning towards 5)

So what is she supposed to do? Keep quiet about it and then tell her bf over the holidays "oh btw, my ex and his family are all staying at my parents house and we are spending the hols together." Now that would be bad, not to mention awkward and shady and then OP would have serious reasons to be upset and question what's going on. All I see here is that her parents friendship has put her in an awkward situation and she is being upfront about it as she should be.

As another poster pointed out, this gives you both plenty of time to work out how to manage this and come up with other plans for the holidays so it's not so awkward. Including spending time with your fam on instead or going away or both.

I'm actually surprised at how many posters are trying to make this out to be something nefarious and tar and feather the girl as if it isn't a bad enough situation for her to deal with as it is and not of her choice or doing. Too jaded.

So what is she supposed to do? Keep quiet about it and then tell her bf over the holidays "oh btw, my ex and his family are all staying at my parents house and we are spending the hols together." Now that would be bad, not to mention awkward and shady and then OP would have serious reasons to be upset and question what's going on. All I see here is that her parents friendship has put her in an awkward situation and she is being upfront about it as she should be.

 

As another poster pointed out, this gives you both plenty of time to work out how to manage this and come up with other plans for the holidays so it's not so awkward. Including spending time with your fam on instead or going away or both.

 

I'm actually surprised at how many posters are trying to make this out to be something nefarious and tar and feather the girl as if it isn't a bad enough situation for her to deal with as it is and not of her choice or doing. Too jaded.

He never stated they would be over for the holidays, just visiting in December. While it would make sense as the reason she would visit with the ex there, this important detail was left out throughout the whole post. No reason was given she had to visit, or even is. This leads me to believe it's not due to the holiday (not many families celebrate the entirity of the month nor have it all off to visit non-relatives). Otherwise, I would agree this girl would be conflicted, as stated in my first post. She feels awkward, but why if she's not seeing the ex or his family? If she is visiting or communicating with the ex, and there isn't a valid reason why she has to, why is she?

Unfortunately, the OP does not give a descriptive enough account for the reason why she is worried things will be awkward, which is why I asked to clarify. I can't see a reason why she would feel that way, unless she is planning on seeing her ex when she doesn't have to or is talking with him in a way that makes her feel guilty. If she had to stay with them all and it can't be avoided, such as in the case of a holiday or living with her parents, then I would understand. However, I don't see the reason why yet.

He never stated they would be over for the holidays, just visiting in December. While it would make sense as the reason she would visit with the ex there, this important detail was left out throughout the whole post. No reason was given she had to visit, or even is. This leads me to believe it's not due to the holiday (not many families celebrate the entirity of the month nor have it all off to visit non-relatives). Otherwise, I would agree this girl would be conflicted, as stated in my first post. She feels awkward, but why if she's not seeing the ex or his family? If she is visiting or communicating with the ex, and there isn't a valid reason why she has to, why is she?

 

Unfortunately, the OP does not give a descriptive enough account for the reason why she is worried things will be awkward, which is why I asked to clarify. I can't see a reason why she would feel that way, unless she is planning on seeing her ex when she doesn't have to or is talking with him in a way that makes her feel guilty. If she had to stay with them all and it can't be avoided, such as in the case of a holiday or living with her parents, then I would understand. However, I don't see the reason why yet.

Honestly whether they will be there over the holidays or not is irrelevant. Either way it creates an awkward situation for her where the ex and his family are coming over to visit. She is handling it in the only way possible - communicating about the situation openly rather than trying to hide what's impending. Again, she doesn't have control over what her parents do or who they befriend and she can't go back and undo dating that guy. All she can do is be upfront about things and come up with solutions on how to handle the situation best way possible. I very much doubt there is anything more to this. The whole thing is already inherently awkward.

Honestly whether they will be there over the holidays or not is irrelevant. Either way it creates an awkward situation for her where the ex and his family are coming over to visit. She is handling it in the only way possible - communicating about the situation openly rather than trying to hide what's impending. Again, she doesn't have control over what her parents do or who they befriend and she can't go back and undo dating that guy. All she can do is be upfront about things and come up with solutions on how to handle the situation best way possible. I very much doubt there is anything more to this. The whole thing is already inherently awkward.

True, to a point. She can be open with her parents and say this is awkward and I broke up with him and I don't want to see this man anymore. You see him on your time. If you bring him than I won't be visiting. You can't force me to still hang out with someone I've cut ties with and no longer want in my life. I'd be pissed at my parents for doing stuff like this. Hang out with my ex on your time, don't bring him to any family events if you want me to show up. Ex is there than I'm out, you won't see me and I resent you for pushing this inappropriate boundaries crap on me.

Honestly whether they will be there over the holidays or not is irrelevant. Either way it creates an awkward situation for her where the ex and his family are coming over to visit. She is handling it in the only way possible - communicating about the situation openly rather than trying to hide what's impending. Again, she doesn't have control over what her parents do or who they befriend and she can't go back and undo dating that guy. All she can do is be upfront about things and come up with solutions on how to handle the situation best way possible. I very much doubt there is anything more to this. The whole thing is already inherently awkward.

Yeah I guess situational awkwardness is a reason in itself. If there is no more information, then perhaps she doesn't want her new guy to discover one day the families met up for reasons unknown. He could wonder if her family meets with her ex's family because she may still be his girlfriend and she's trying to prevent any misunderstandings ahead of time. Beat it to the punch, kind of senario. Man, she should have just said that instead of vaguely stating she feels awkward. Perhaps more needs to be asked by the OP in order to feel more comfortable himself.

The pining still worries me, mixed in with her possibly continuing communication with the ex. As I mentioned, for me to make a proper assessment of my personal actions going forward, I would need more to go on.