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Dating a bicurious straight woman


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Hi everyone. I’m struggling with something and I would appreciate your advice.

 

Those of you who follow my threads may know that I am a nearly 30 y.o. lesbian woman who’s had plenty of bad dating experiences in the past few years. Ever since one girlfriend left me in 2013 I cannot seem to find happiness in love again. Now it’s been about 8 months since I last dated, let alone talked to a woman who interests me.

 

Right now I am talking to a woman I met through Tinder (awful medium btw), and I have this feeling we kind of connect which is a rare thing for me. Downside: this woman says she thinks to be straight but is somehow dissapointed in men and struggles to crush on guys again. She changed her tinder settings to men and women “to see what’s out there” and maybe explore if she is into women at all. She says she can find women attractive and sometimes wonder what sex with a woman would be like.

 

So we are talking online and seem to have quite a lot in common. On top of that she is a cute woman, not a supermodel or anything but totally my type. We talked about types and she says she can find women very attractive, and that she thinks I am cute too. Don’t really know how to interpret this, as coming from a possible straight woman.

 

Anyway, she suggested to meet sometimes - this is where I struggle:

do I take the chance to meet her and get to know her better but risk falling in love with a straight girl and another heartache, or do I let this one pass?

It’s easy to say just meet her and don’t fall in love but I know me and there is a fair chance I am going to be into this woman and that I won’t be able to stop myself from having feelings. (I don’t develop feelings for someone easily but I recognize the types I tend to fall for and think she may be in that category).

 

So what would you do? The statement goes “what if i fall? But darling what if you fly” but I have had my fair share of serious heartbreak and I am desperately trying to avoid another one!

 

Advice is needed..

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If you are trying to avoid heartbreak, then I would pass on this one. She doesn't even know what she wants and is only curious. She wants to explore her sexuality and is forthcoming to you with this.

 

I would take her honesty for what it is; she wants to casually date around. You are looking for more, so both of your goals are different and likely won't work out. There is a possibility this will soar, but let me be frank that those odds are against you.

 

This would be different if she said she was bisexual and looking for a LTR, but she is neither. However, if you are up for something casual only, then go for it. You have to fully accept this, though, and this fact will not change.

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Why would there be heartbreak? You haven't even met this woman yet. You meet, you get along, spend time together as "friends" first without expectations. Even if she backs out on dating, at least you made a nice friend. You just need to stop investing your feelings until you know things are going in the direction you want.

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Why would there be heartbreak? You haven't even met this woman yet. You meet, you get along, spend time together as "friends" first without expectations. Even if she backs out on dating, at least you made a nice friend. You just need to stop investing your feelings until you know things are going in the direction you want.

 

This Exactly but how do you stop yourself from overinvesting your feelings?

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Lucha, why do you keep choosing women who you KNOW are going to lead to heartbreak and a dead end deal for you? You acknowledge that you have been having bad dating experiences, but you are deliberately choosing them. Why? I think you really need to explore that.

 

There is nothing wrong with being a person who falls deeply and gets attached easily and wants a serious, long term relationship. However, that does mean that you have to be so much more ruthlessly selective about who you get involved with and avoid matches that are quite obviously a mess from the get go. When you attach easily, you need to screen more, not less, be more selective, not less, discriminate more about who you talk to or give the time of day to, not less, be more cautious in your approach and not so open to whatever and whoever.

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I think being someone's experiment would only lead to heartache.

She changed her tinder settings to men and women “to see what’s out there” and maybe explore if she is into women at all. She says she can find women attractive and sometimes wonder what sex with a woman would be like.
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This Exactly but how do you stop yourself from overinvesting your feelings?

 

Here's a perfect opportunity to learn how.

How do you do it? With discipline and realistic expectations.

Have you given any thought as to why you are so vulnerable to falling for people if you hardly know them?

 

I get you haven't dated lately and have been disappointed in the past, but another person with the same experiences can have the opposite reaction and might find it hard to let their guard down.

 

You experiences don't always have to overrule using good judgement, especially where your heart is concerned.

 

How about you challenge yourself to do things differently this time?

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Here's a perfect opportunity to learn how.

How do you do it? With discipline and realistic expectations.

Have you given any thought as to why you are so vulnerable to falling for people if you hardly know them?

?

 

Friends of mine have made the same remark. Really good question. I will discuss it with my own therapist.

 

In fact I have my guards up really high nearly all the time but then when I do like someone I can’t control my feelings.

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Friends of mine have made the same remark. Really good question. I will discuss it with my own therapist.

 

In fact I have my guards up really high nearly all the time but then when I do like someone I can’t control my feelings.

 

So, just for the sake of argument, this isn't really about her. . although the risk may seem a little higher given the circumstances.

It's something to think about and definitely worth working through.

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There is a saying "tis better to love and lost than to have never loved at all." If it was me I would probably take the risk especially if I'm very attracted to her because you never want regrets in life. The trick is to not get too emotionally involved unless she tells you she wants something serious. DON'T GET ATTACHED. Just have fun with her. If you do start hanging out with her keep your profile up on the dating sites and keep dating others that way you won't get too attached to this one and stay busy with hobbies, etc.

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if you don't take a chance you will never know. You can try to ask her why she wants to meet. She could just be using you for sex to see if she likes it. I was with the woman I first had sex with for 3 years. Honestly though if you are her first eventually she will probably want to experience more if she finds herself liking females. I would keep it at a just friends state till you both knew for sure. If you don't meet her though you will always wonder what if

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if you don't take a chance you will never know. You can try to ask her why she wants to meet. She could just be using you for sex to see if she likes it. I was with the woman I first had sex with for 3 years. Honestly though if you are her first eventually she will probably want to experience more if she finds herself liking females. I would keep it at a just friends state till you both knew for sure. If you don't meet her though you will always wonder what if

 

So we met today, she invited me over to her place and we had drinks. It was a nice afternoon but no chemistry there from her side, I felt it. Me on the other hand really into her. I felt like I should just get over myself and try to just be friends bc she seems like a nice person to hang out with. Got home, she texted it was a nice afternoon - I checked the dating app only to see she already unmatched me.

 

So now I am kinda bummed although I know this is probably nothing personal.

 

Just sick and tired of dissapointments.

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Glass half full or empty? One meet where it's not going to proceed to a first date = "dating" - "typical" - thick skin needed to proceed!

 

Then maybe I’m not the right person for dating. I really can’t handle this rejection all the time. So many negative experiences far outweigh the few good ones. Maybe I’m destined to stay on my own then..

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Then maybe I’m not the right person for dating. I really can’t handle this rejection all the time. So many negative experiences far outweigh the few good ones. Maybe I’m destined to stay on my own then..

 

Nothing to do with destiny. You have to figure out whether the work and time you need to invest in dating including the stress and the aggravation is worth the end goal. For me, other than for a few months, and momentary doubts it was worth it without a question. I can totally see where it wouldn't be worth it for other people and in other situations. I wouldn't quit because of negativity -I would quit only from the positive perspective that living single is the best situation for you.

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Nothing to do with destiny. You have to figure out whether the work and time you need to invest in dating including the stress and the aggravation is worth the end goal. For me, other than for a few months, and momentary doubts it was worth it without a question. I can totally see where it wouldn't be worth it for other people and in other situations. I wouldn't quit because of negativity -I would quit only from the positive perspective that living single is the best situation for you.

 

I’m convinced being single is not the best situation for me, I miss affection like crazy. I have everything I need as in a nice job, a house, pets, friends I meet a couple of times a month. I miss a deeper connection with someone and trying so hard to find it. But this is wearing me out.

This morning I got up feeling so so so tired, drained and unhappy. Can’t help it, I feel dissapointed once again.

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I’m convinced being single is not the best situation for me, I miss affection like crazy. I have everything I need as in a nice job, a house, pets, friends I meet a couple of times a month. I miss a deeper connection with someone and trying so hard to find it. But this is wearing me out.

This morning I got up feeling so so so tired, drained and unhappy. Can’t help it, I feel dissapointed once again.

 

You can't help how you feel. You can help how you react to how you feel. For me, one thing I do when I'm feeling that way or negative is I do cardio (or when I am doing my daily cardio I visualize getting rid of/sweating out the negative stuff- it helps). Yes, dating is really hard. Did it on and off for 25 years online, in person, personal ads, I treated it like a part time job for several of those years and stretched myself to the limits doing things that were outside my comfort zone to meet more people who might be a good match.

 

It can be really frustrating and disappointing. In this particular situation you chose a very risky situation -meeting a woman in her situation -she was honest from the beginning -when you are feeling particularly vulnerable. So you chose that level of risk . You don't have to -you can meet people who are looking for the same things you are. I did that- maybe that will work for you. Many of my friends met their spouses on line. I do know it can be challenging for lesbian/bi women. I have a friend who is 50 and constantly in and out of relationships. Now she is living with someone she is really into. She's had many disappointments. I am straight, had many disappointments and almost missed out on being able to have a biological child, a lifelong dream of mine. One reason for the delay was I got in my own way by being too focused on unavailable men and staying in relationships too long even though it wasn't a good match for me.

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You can't help how you feel. You can help how you react to how you feel. For me, one thing I do when I'm feeling that way or negative is I do cardio (or when I am doing my daily cardio I visualize getting rid of/sweating out the negative stuff- it helps). Yes, dating is really hard. Did it on and off for 25 years online, in person, personal ads, I treated it like a part time job for several of those years and stretched myself to the limits doing things that were outside my comfort zone to meet more people who might be a good match.

 

It can be really frustrating and disappointing. In this particular situation you chose a very risky situation -meeting a woman in her situation -she was honest from the beginning -when you are feeling particularly vulnerable. So you chose that level of risk . You don't have to -you can meet people who are looking for the same things you are. I did that- maybe that will work for you. Many of my friends met their spouses on line. I do know it can be challenging for lesbian/bi women. I have a friend who is 50 and constantly in and out of relationships. Now she is living with someone she is really into. She's had many disappointments. I am straight, had many disappointments and almost missed out on being able to have a biological child, a lifelong dream of mine. One reason for the delay was I got in my own way by being too focused on unavailable men and staying in relationships too long even though it wasn't a good match for me.

 

Thank you, I’m feeling a little better today. I try not to wallow in self- pity and brush it off as just another experience of bad luck in dating.

What is confusing is she is still texting me throughout the day, as if I were a friend. I try to just accept things the way they are and not create drama out of it (would have always been my reaction in the past).

 

It just seems sometimes I have no control over how I am feeling and all I can do is ride the waves that almost drown me. And the only area in life in which this is the case is in love! All other areas are fine..

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Thank you, I’m feeling a little better today. I try not to wallow in self- pity and brush it off as just another experience of bad luck in dating.

What is confusing is she is still texting me throughout the day, as if I were a friend. I try to just accept things the way they are and not create drama out of it (would have always been my reaction in the past).

 

It just seems sometimes I have no control over how I am feeling and all I can do is ride the waves that almost drown me. And the only area in life in which this is the case is in love! All other areas are fine..

 

It might seem you have no control. You do and don't use "seem" as an excuse IMHO. Instead of choosing to "ride the waves that almost drown me" come up in advance with a list of things to do instead. My list has a wide range -sometimes I have to do 4-7-8 breathing, or angry clean, or do cardio, or call a friend but not talk about what's happening with me. If she wants to get to know you as a friend and you are ok hearing about her dating life then stay in touch. Otherwise I'd suggest not staying in touch.

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Amen. This should be set in stone.

 

And it was for me. When I became the right person to find the right person I was able to fall in love and stay happy and committed to someone who was very much available. And it’s still a work in progress some days but often a learning experience

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right person to find the right person

 

That is so true Batya. You have to be solid in yourself before you go and find somebody else, or all you get is equally unsure people as well. I say that because if i am unsure, why should i expect somebody else to be sure? It's a double standard that I don't like being on the other side of, so I won't put anybody else on it.

 

My thoughts are that you have to go through the lonely periods and keep reminding yourself every day about who you are and what you expect; I feel like I've constantly got to review everything I do and keep myself on track.

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That is so true Batya. You have to be solid in yourself before you go and find somebody else, or all you get is equally unsure people as well. I say that because if i am unsure, why should i expect somebody else to be sure? It's a double standard that I don't like being on the other side of, so I won't put anybody else on it.

 

My thoughts are that you have to go through the lonely periods and keep reminding yourself every day about who you are and what you expect; I feel like I've constantly got to review everything I do and keep myself on track.

 

Yes, for me it worked that way and I almost never felt lonely when I was single and didn't feel like I had to feel lonely or be "single" or "work on myself" outside of a relationship. I learned a lot within relationships and dating, about myself. There also was a time element. I felt uncomfortable taking a break and wasting my fertile years and missing out on opportunities (right approach -who knows lol)

 

I don't believe in self-focus if it's in a vacuum, at least not for too long a time. For me, I loved my alone time and my goal was marriage and family -and I knew I'd never be fully happy or content if I didn't reach the goal of marriage and have the opportunity to try for a family. I did have a few "a ha" moments and I also had years in my 20s of feeling desperate to find a husband and almost made a few big mistakes (meaning engagements or getting way too serious with someone I would have been settling for, or pursuing unavailable men).

 

I had to become a person who would accept a person in my life who was available, loved me, and where I wasn't automatically turned off by those things. On the other hand I accepted fully that I didn't want a doormat or ultra people pleaser - I like to be on my toes in a good way - with someone with reasonable confidence and who is ok with speaking his mind appropriately. I am more into being direct/in your face than my husband is and I tell him when I think he is being dismissive or walking away instead of communicating but he is pretty darn good. And he is the same exact person who I was engaged to when we were in our early 30s and I knew at that time I'd be settling. He hadn't yet come into his own and was too much of a doormat for my taste (meaning other women might have been fine with it -he didn't have "issues" or anything just not right for me). 8 years later we both matured and grew, including in confidence (and me too -I had to be confident that I could make good choices in partners). So when we met up again sparks flew and the rest was history albeit not always smooth sailing.

 

I do know that others can do very well working on themselves without dating, learning to be ok during lonely periods, etc- just not how it worked for me.

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