Do I stay or do I go?

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write. This is the hardest I’ve ever had to go through. I’m at a crossroads and I don’t know what to do so I’m reaching out to people who won’t be biased towards me or my fiancé. I’m going to start from the beginning and leave no detail out. (Sorry for the lengthy read)

I was divorced from a marriage that lasted approximately 5 years. I took some time to myself. I went to Mardi Gras, made new friends, did a bunch of stuff I couldn’t have normally done while being married. I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted in life. I dated around here and there but told myself that I wouldn’t be seriously committed to someone unless I knew that they were THE ONE that I was going to try the whole marriage thing with again. I wasn’t going to settle. I wasn’t going to marry out of puppy don’t love (which is what happened with my first marriage). It was almost 2 years after my divorce when I started hanging out with a guy I worked with. He was in a serious relationship and his live-in girlfriend had this friend (let’s just call her Debbie). Debbie was beautiful. She was smart, funny, incredibly kind. It seemed like every time I saw her she was doing homework or studying for an exam (she was in nursing school). I really started to develop feeling for her. I would intentionally try to go over to my friends house while she was there. Just to see her. Well fast forward a couple of months on my birthday. I went out with my friend for some drinks after work and him knowing I liked Debbie decided to invite her without my knowing. What a surprise. She was the only person in the room. I didn’t care about anything but our conversation. I had a few too many to drink and she offered to drive me home, so I let her. We talked the whole time. I was honestly happy for the first time since my divorce. I could carry on conversation with this girl like I never could with my ex wife. I honestly think I fell in love with her that night.

Well a few days go by and I get a text message from Debbie saying she would like to hang out with me and get to know me. I was on cloud 9. I obviously jumped at the opportunity. Blah blah blah. We talked for a few more weeks. Hanging out here and there when she finally asked me if I think we could ever officially be a couple. I “asked her out” right then and there. She started staying with me some nights. Other nights I would stay with her. Her family was accepting of me and mine was accepting of her. It seemed perfect.... except for amber. Amber was a friend Debbie’s that for some reason didn’t like me. Maybe because I was married before I don’t know. Now Debbie and ambers brother used to date each other. He would still text her here and there as well. She always told me about it and although it bothered me, I never said anything because I didn’t want to seem crazy. Until one night he texted her and asked if she would ever be interested in being with him again. That really bothered me and I asked her to please not talk to him anymore.... but she was friends with amber who is his sister and they both still live under the same roof. Maybe you can see where this is going already. I was uncomfortable with her going to their house. I told her I was fine with it as long as he wasn’t there. I’m not the jealous type but this guy wasn’t up to any good. I trusted her. She always told me he wasn’t there and she would leave if she suspected him to be coming home. I believed her..... we fought about it many times because I work nights and she would go over there and hang out while I was at work. She insured me he was never there and that even if he was that I had nothing to worry about. This goes on for almost 2 years. The uneasy feeling about the whole situation with her being over there and everything. I asked Debbie to marry me on Christmas this past year and she said yes. The only issue in our relationship was the issue with her going to ambers house. Well fast forward to 3 weeks ago. My friend from the beginning comes to my house. Sits me down. Tells me that Debbie cheated on my with ambers brother, and amber was the on who told

His girlfriend who ultimately told him. I’m torn. I didn’t know what to do. I confronted Debbie and she denied everything. She said she doesn’t know why amber would make that up blah blah blah. Well over the past few weeks the truth has been trickling out a little at a time. At first she told me that he was indeed at their house sometimes and she would lie to me about it because she thought it was no big deal. Then she admitted to texting him sometimes and hiding his number in her phone. And finally she admitted to having sex with him one night while I was at work. Apparently we were arguing about her being over there in the first place. She got mad and started drinking with amber. Amber fell asleep and she was sitting and watching tv while she sobered up so she could drive home when her brother came home. They started talking and he came on to her and they ended up having sex. She says it was just one time and she stopped it shortly after it started. I don’t know what to believe since there have been so many lies in the past. She cries day and night. Apologizes to me every chance we get. She told amber she can’t be friends with her anymore. She is desperately seeking my forgiveness and willing to do whatever it takes for me to try to work things out with her. We have a counseling session tomorrow afternoon that she set up. Do people make mistakes like this towards people they truly love? My heart is torn into a million pieces. The one person I thought I could trust completely ripped the soul from my body. I don’t know what to do. I love her so much but could we ever be good again? The mental pictures in my head are the worst part of it all......

Well, it's not too difficult to figure out what happened. You work nights and she went to hang out with her friends rather than stay in an empty house/apartment. You started being jealous and argued with her over her going over to her friends' apartment where her ex was. But what was she suppose to do, watch TV alone? So first she developed an emotional relationship with the ex and one night, after an argument with you, she started having sex with him (although, you probably suspect it might have been more than once).

To me, the only way to save the relationship is for you to give up your night job and be available to keep your girlfriend company at night. Girls are social creatures and she's going to seek out friends, especially if she's younger than you and closer to her partying days. And if you're going to have arguments with her, she's going to feel hurt and seek out her emotional friend to get back at you.

So I think you both share responsibility for what happened and you have to spend more time with her. If you can't spend more time with her, then you should let her go. She obviously needs friends and affection.

Sorry to hear this. Don't marry this woman. She will cause you heartaches over and over and over. She lies, she cheats, she doesn't care.

Before I get roasted for this please keep in mind I am trying to change my behaviors and I am fully aware of what I have done, also what I need to do going forward.

I will give you some prospective on the other side being the ex. I was recently in this situation. I was the ex, who wanted to be with my ex. Ultimately my ex decided to stay with her current boyfriend. She was lacking in something that she didn't get from her boyfriend. I was available to give it to her, physically and mentally, that being said she made the choice to stay with her current boyfriend.

What I am telling you is that I know my ex loves her new boyfriend but she did those things with me. Doesn't make her love her new boyfriend any less. Her actions state that because she chose to stay with him. It happens in the moment and the right circumstances because at the time I didn't know it would escalate to what it was. You probably know it happened more than once because first time she was probably confused and everythibg after she wanted to confirm. Now that doesn't mean she slept with him a whole lot. Perhaps a few more times than she led on. because only once is better than twice and so on.

For the other guy he probably just wanted to be with her. He didnt think about you initially he probably pressed her to leave you.

Think back, where there any moments of days or a week or two where she felt distant or drifting away. If you remember then that was the time. At the end she still chose to be with you. You didn't make it any better, making her feel like that with your own insecurities what made her vulnerable but still doesn't make it right. Mistakes were made on both sides, while I do believe its you who have to forgive only do it if you can forgive without holding a grudge.

If you forgive her then do so and don't ever being it up. Don't ever insinuate her behavior in the past. Don't hold mental image of what she did with him. If you can do that then forgive if not then keep your money and move on.

To me it is very simple.

She didn't cheat on you once and have sex with a random guy and come begging for forgiveness, which to me is really the only scenario where I MIGHT consider forgiveness.

She established a routine of lying to you so she could do what she wanted. Which included staying late at an exes house(or sibling's).

She has an affair going with him. It is on going and routine. She communicates with him secretly. She has admitted to sex once, AFTER you caught her, and she started the trickle of truth phase.

This wasn't a one time thing. Even if sex was a one time thing, because omitting sex, it is stil an emotional affair. With sex at all, whether once or 100 times, makes it a physical affair too.

Do you really think it only happened once? Give more time and I bet you will get more truth.

She is a liar and a cheater.

You are not married and have no children. Why would you jump into such a huge life long relationship with this person?

Cut your losses and find a person who doesn't lie/manipulate/cheat and you will be much happier in the long run.

Don't marry this woman. So many Red Flags.

I disagree that you need to quit your night job to babysit her. People can cheat during the day, you know. What are you going to do, quit working to watch her? Make her quit working and have her come to work with you every night? Lock her in the house with an ankle monitor on her and alarms on the doors and windows?

If all that is necessary, why marry someone you need to keep a watch on 24/7 so she doesn't have an opportunity to cheat? Why marry someone you can't trust?

Premarital counseling is a must, immediately, if you decide to go through with this marriage.

Well, if you're going to go to counseling with her, (I wouldn't, its not like your married for years with kids) then why don't you just go with an open mind and see if it helps you to get over the betrayal rather then listen to what most people will tell you... that being that you should just dump her and find someone who has the emotional maturity and independence to be able to keep her pants on when you're at work.

It's not like she was sitting there alone as DanZee has insinuated... she' could have had "Amber" over to her place to keep her company. There is no excuse for what she did. If she was lonely then all she had to do is tell you and if you couldn't remedy, then she should have broken up with you.

Your gut has been telling you for a long time that she was up to no good. Listen to that niggling.