Miserable parent and relationship

Im a 30 year old guy.

It all began when I crumbled to society's expectations. You know the one's, buy a house, get a partner, have family blah blah blah.

The truth is I have always been happier on my own so its my own fault for forgetting that fact or convincing myself otherwise.

Anyway, I met a girl on a dating app and we seemed like a perfect match. But she was a single mother and had been through some rough times where as I was still at home and just starting on the journey to discovering myself ( a realisation I only came to once we had been together for months ).

So early on (about 3 months in), with her constantly wanting me to commit to getting a place together and becoming a father figure for her 6 year old boy I crumbled and said I would, even thoug h I kept putting it off. This pressuring pushed me away and I broke off our relationship but we ended up back together, this happened 3 times before out first year was up. Looking back I can see I went back because I felt bad, my mother was invested and so was the 6 year old, I felt I was a bad person for not wanting this and was told that I should give it a good go before pulling the pin.

Well before a year was up she had fallen pregnant. We know the exact night it happened. She had stopped her contraception because she wanted another child in the future and her doctor had said she couldnt get pregnant straight away, it would take time for her body to recover. I think it was the mariner or something that did this?

Anyway, I was reluctant to have sex but we did anyway. I asked her to take the morning after pill afterwards to which she refused.

A few weeks later she texted to say she was pregnant. I freaked out but gathered myself in the end and have stuck around to try and do the right thing. During this time I couldnt help but feel she set me up. I did confront her about these feelings and outright accused her of "baby trapping" me to which she offered an out, as much or as little contact as I wanted. In hindsight I should have taken the offer but my sense of duty didnt allow me to, not to mention the 6 year old would have been devastated aswell as his father had bailed when he was a toddler. Another of her partners took a father role on only to bail a couple years after and I know the kid had suffered because of that too, possibly more than from when his real father left.

I considered all of this and felt I had to stay, that perhaps I would feel differently (better) once my child was born. I did love them all but I was sacrificing all of the things I had wanted and that we had discussed. Its why I originally left so many times, she wanted a family life together and to expand on that and also had to have a time limit on how long she would wait. I wanted to go my own way but still be committed and still share experiences together. I hadnt lived on my own and had my own space and had always looked forward to when I would.

So we got a house and moved in together. Well now the baby is here and we're a couple weeks in and I feel worse than ever. I have never regretted something so much in my life and I've never been so completely miserable. I know without a shred of doubt that I have ruined what was a rather good life.

Ive lost my freedom, independence and ambition for future possibilities. I have a full time job and some savings where as she has neither. I didnt mind that until she fell pregnant and decided that being a stay at home mum was what was best.

So now I am left with the horrible decision of sacrificing my life completely, happiness and future goals or possibilities, or cutting them out of my life or at the very least becoming a part time parent and seperating.

I'm stuck in a pit of despair and have been for some time, all I can think is I should have left when I had the chance.

When I did I allowed my own weakness and the pressure from others to pull me back in and that was a mistake.

I know I am largely at fault here and am not asking for someone to clear my conscience. Its just all the advice I get is to work on it and get help, counseling etc

All of this has happened in 2 years eveb though I tried to slow things down.

TL;DR

30 year old guy, relationship went too fast and now I'm miserable and theres kids caught in the middle.

You're not very clear on what you are sacrificing by being in this relationship. Do you want to live with your parents for the rest of your life? Do you want to be alone? What is this "rather good life" you said you ruined? At 30 years old you were "just starting on the journey to discovering myself?" What have you been doing with your "freedom, independence and ambition" before this? Nothing.

You're 30 years old and this is probably the best thing that's happened in your life. You have a loving girlfriend and you have a child. Embrace it. A family can bring you so much happiness if you let it. It's time to grow up. It's time to be mature. It's time to step up and be a man. I'm sure you girlfriend can help you discover yourself. The kids can help too. Let your emotions guide you and complete you. You will be better for it. Make something of yourself. Be a father to the children. Be a husband to your girlfriend. Make something of your life.

Interestingly, you write this entire post as if you were a victim with a gun to your head, but you went along with everything, every step of the way. Agree you sound depressed and have a lot of inertia and direct your anger and inertia outward, blaming others. This victim mentality and rage at your own ineptitude can be helped with an appropriate check up, diagnosis and treatment.

If you are drinking, using drugs etc get help for that also. Does alcoholism run in your family? You seem to have the mindset of someone who evades any responsibility for his actions. Get a good check up by a physician and a referral to a psychologist.

I wish you could do what Danzee was suggesting. It seems as if this is all about you though and the fact that you don't want the responsibility. I feel badly for the children. You have no idea what you are about to throw away... A child is something that can bring you joy for the rest of your life if you embrace it as such.

I replied but it didnt post.

First off this was never written as a victim and I'm not sure how I came across that way.

@ Wiseman2 yes its hard to swallow that this all could have been avoided had I broke her heart earlier, I guess it just felt wrong to not love someone back who loved me so much.

Im sacrificing what every parent does, your time, your energy, your freedom and independence. I wonder if some people know what a burden free life is like because I miss it. Dont get me wrong, I love my new baby girl and I even love this narcissistic 7 year old boy thats not even mine. Doesnt change the fact parenthood is hell!

@ Danzee From your reply it seems you believe that being childless and single means a meaningless life? Far from it, its been proven that parents aren't as happy as thier childless counterparts and also have the resources and ability to achieve more. Im offended you say I have done nothing with my life just because I was at home. I have no regrets prior to this relationship and have done more than most people I know at this point in my life.

Also, grow up? Be a man? My god you are rather judgemental. Im sorry but I cant take advice from someobe who seems to fund purpose in life purely from having a family.

Anyway, the only reason I tried to reply again is I felt you personally attacked me which I dont understand.

To summarise, I dont like having to be a parent. Its made me miserable and I dont see why I should suffer that.

Parenthood is a thankless job, one I didnt sign up for regardless of the where the blame lies. I dont care for sympathy or laying blame, I just wanted somewhere to vent. My feelings may be wrong but they are all I have so I'll deal with them.

Parenthood is investing in the life of another.

When you have sex with anyone you run the risk of becoming a parent. That is part of the responcibility of being a sexually active adult.

I have a 3 yo and a 6 mo. It can be a b*tch sometimes. But I can say I am really happy with my wife and kids.

You just didn't put any thought into the spouse you picked.

But even if you leave the financial burden is going to be on you. She will still get to be a stay at home mom, you will still have to work. It will just be the court that takes you money and gives it to her.

Sorry to say this, but your wants and needs are not a priority anymore. You have a beautiful, healthy ,baby girl. Do you know how blessed you are? Do you know how many couples would love to have a child but can't because it out of their control. You say you don't like being a parent, welcome to parenthood. I think a lot of us parents have felt that way at least once or twice, its not uncommon to feel like you want to run away and sometimes. Every parent feels overwhelmed and stressed sometimes but what separates the good parents from the not so good parents, is commitment & dedication. Good parents will have those days where they want to throw in the towel but they don't. They don't just press through because THEY HAVE TO!its because they want to. They love their children more than themsrkves. More than being independent,more than having fun with friends,more than having nice things and money to buy those things. Being a parent is the hardest job you will ever have but its the most rewarding and the most important. You said that being a parent is thankless. Maybe right now but when your daughter grows up and matures into a beautiful,independent,confident and kind woman, she will turn to you one day and tell you how much she loves and appreciates everything you have done for her, how her daddy was always there for her and her mother,even when he felt overwhelmed and that he showed her how a real man should treat a woman by being an example. When she she says these things, your heart will melt and you will praise the Lord above for giving you such a beautiful family & the strength to be the husband and father they needed.

I want to point out something very very important! If you take anything from this, please take what I am saying right now: your daughters wellbeing and quality of life depends on it.

If you leave and cut off contact with your gf and daughter, you will be setting your daughter up for failure. As a daughter,having a loving father who is present and supportive is crucial. So crucial. I can even express how important it is that your daughter has you to raise her the way a father should,to invest in her. Your baby girl is your most precious keepsake.,your most vauled over evetything,She is the most important asset you will ever have and will ever invest in. I'm not talking about money, yes...you will probably have to spend a lot of money for ballet classes,horsebackriding, basketball camp, braces, that amazing dress so she can outshine all the other girls at the prom....but that's the easy part. I am talking about investing your time, your energy,your sweat blood and tears ,you will have to invest everything you have and everything you are. Because that's what a good father does. You are her first male role model. You are the one will determine how she views men and how high she sets her standards or how low. How is she supposes to know what a good man and a good father is ,if she has nothing to compare it to? You are the first man in her life. Right now, you are the most magnificent and wonderful man to her. You are her everything. If you leave , think about how it will effect her emotionally and mentally. You need to be in her life to put her on a petalstool, be gentle but firm, for giving but not a doormat, be tough with her at times but sensitive to her feelings. Tell her everyday until the day You die, how beautiful and talented she is. Tell her how smart and creative she is. Tell her how much she is loved and adored. Tell her she can do anything she puts her mind to.Tell her to never settle for less because she's worth more. Show her what she is worth everyday you are alive. Be there for her,listen to her, sing with her,laugh,cry and yell with her. Be her father first and than her best friend. Be honest with her and tell her what you expect of her but don't be hard on her if she doesn't always meet your expectations. Let her be who she is and let her express herself. Challenge her ,help her reach her full potential. Make time for her ,have tea parties with her. If you make her your priority and you love her unconditionally , she will grow to be secure with herself and confident. She will know how she should and wants to be treated because you set the bar high. You will make mistakes and it won't always be peaches and create,after all you're raising a daughter. But please, please think about how your choices affect your daughter. She didn't ask for any of this, don't let her be a statistic or just another girl who didn't have a father to show her ,what she is worth. Every woman needs her father or some kind of role model ,woman or man ,to teach her what love is. This is not to say that mothers can't teach their daughters these things but having a good man as a father makes all the difference. A lot of women didn't have their fathers or have male role models in their life and they grew up to be ,awesome ,independent ,strong minded women. More power to them!!!!✊✊💪💃 I am certainly not saying your daughter couldn't be those things if you left or grow to be a strong ,confident woman herself, she definitely could.Women ,from all over have had to endure much worse but still prevailed.

My point is.....this is not about what you want anymore. You can still follow your dreams and have fun. Your life isn't over. It doesn't stop once you have kids. But you have to find a way to incorporate it all. That's what a parent does. There's no point in wishing you had done things differently. You can wish al you want but its a waste of time. Use that time to think about what changes need to be made in order for you to thrive as a father. And just try to be the best father you can be. You won't always have the answers and you will have days where you want to break stuff and run away. That's ok. We all feel that way sometimes. That's parenting for you. You learn along the way and a lot of it is trial and error. But as long as you're their for your gf and daughter, you're a good provider and you're a loving father, you will do just fine. I hope everything I said made sense. If you even read it, Idk....but I am hoping something inside reconnects or is rekindled to help you get through this confusing time in your life. I hope you can take a step back and see what a beautiful blessing you have been given. I'm praying for you.❤

Killpop,

Your response brought tears to my eyes.

I'm going to sound pretty awful right now, but this disgusts me.

She went off the pill, she was honest, and sorry but it's on you, because you are and were responsible for using a condom, which you didn't. You can't cry about it now. You were irresponsible.

Do them a favor and leave, and I hope she takes you to court and doesn't let you off the hook for child support or any other obligations. You resent them, and it's only going to get worse. And they are in for a lifetime of misery and being unloved because you are selfish and want to be a playboy.

@SweetGirl28

Yes we were both aware of that but I asked her to take the morning after pill that night to which she refused. Thats on her

@SweetGirl28

Yes we were both aware of that but I asked her to take the morning after pill that night to which she refused. Thats on her

No it isn't. It's on you. If you dint want to chance it, you shouldn't have.

That's why condoms exist.

It's her right to not a pill in her body . She was honest with you. You're still at fault.

Well if she wouldnt take contraception thats not my fault. And if its all my responsibility then I should get a say as to whether we kept her or not.

You cant have it both ways.

Either way I doubt I'll be staying, yes I do resent her (the mother) not our kid.

Well if she wouldnt take contraception thats not my fault. And if its all my responsibility then I should get a say as to whether we kept her or not.

You cant have it both ways.

Either way I doubt I'll be staying, yes I do resent her (the mother) not our kid.

Do you not realize what you're saying ?? Even if she continued contraception, there was still a chance of pregnancy.

She could have lied to you and said she was taking it. You'd never know it.

She was HONEST with you. Even the dullest crayon in the box knows just stopping contraception means there's still a chance of pregnancy, no matter what the doctor or she told you. Women even get pregnant on their periods. Even the pull out method people think is effective at preventing pregnancy isn't. Pregnancy is always a possibility. If you don't want kids, why didn't YOU get a vasectomy??????

Use protection. This is awful. Now this innocent baby has two parents who hate one another and is caught in the middle.

Maybe next time you should not insert and just handle things yourself.

And no, it's her, body.....her choice. You could say you wanted her to abort, ultimately it was her decision.

Don't stay. Let this baby and mom find love and someone who wants to be a stepdad and love your child as his own without the hate filled home you will be providing.

@SweetGirl28

Yes we were both aware of that but I asked her to take the morning after pill that night to which she refused. Thats on her

Sorry, No its not on her. Because YOU are responsible for your own actions. She wanted to get pregnant. She told you she was coming off the pill. You knew this and instead of abstaining from sex and/or leaving the relationship because you don't want a child, you had unprotected sex - no condom no nothing. You could have insisted on both a condom and having her track ovulation to hope to avoid.

You are acting like someone who life just happens to - you are just a passenger. You do whatever. She wanted you to move in and you did it, despite you saying you didn't want to. You had sex with her knowing she was off the pill - even though you claimed to not want to. You need to take responsibility for your actions in life.

Nothing is "on anyone' but you.

Now you take care of that little girl. Sorry that you feel that you were bamboozled, but you were not.

Ive lost my freedom, independence and ambition for future possibilities. I have a full time job and some savings where as she has neither. I didnt mind that until she fell pregnant and decided that being a stay at home mum was what was best.

what life did you sacrifice? a life living in your parents' basement?? She should be a stay at home mom right now -- the baby was JUST born a couple weeks ago. Her body needs to recover and the baby needs her right now.

Well, if you would like to go back to your parents' basement, you are going to still pay child support. you cannot just erase things. That little girl deserves to be loved and i hope your parents love her and spoil her. its sad that you are deciding right now to never love her.

She doesn't want child support because she knows this was her decision.

I didnt want to have sex at all and had told her I didn't want a kid.

She agreed and said she wouldn't want one for another year or 2.

She doesn't want child support because she knows this was her decision.

I didnt want to have sex at all and had told her I didn't want a kid.

She agreed and said she wouldn't want one for another year or 2.

Well guess what it's the law and you'll be gone after anyway if she gets state benefits being a single mom so man up.

Dependent upon where you live , of course.

No one forced you to get hard. No one forced you into her. No one forced you to ejaculate . I mean if you didn't you wouldn't be in this position. Lesson learned. At the expense of an innocent life.

Well same thing happened with her last kid and he doesnt pay a cent.

Sorry you so upset by this, no matter who is to blame I still refuse to sacrifice my life for another person.

Have to laugh at the personal attacks for living at home, I paid more bills than my parents did and still do (for them) so its far from an easy life.

Either way, thank you all for your input, its definitely helped me gather the strength to do what I need to do.

Also never said I wouldnt be there for my girl. I will be, but I cant be near this women that brought her into such a life. This is why we have options like abortion and the morning after. If someone head is too far up in the clouds to make some hard decisions in the interest of sparing thier child this kind of family then there's not much I or anyone can do.

Face facts when deciding to have a child instead of using bull femenist lines like "man up" because that only festers resentment.

No now she wants to stay at home, forever. Like my income can support myself and 3 other people? No it cant.

This is the kind of stupidly irresponsible decisions that has landed her here in the first place. Life is not a fairy tale unfortunately, the reality is to have any decent life we both need to contribute.

She doesn't want child support because she knows this was her decision.

I didnt want to have sex at all and had told her I didn't want a kid.

She agreed and said she wouldn't want one for another year or 2.

You said you didn't want to sex. Were you raped? I mean, come on - how do you have sex if you don't want sex otherwise? You had sex, dude, of your own choice. I think you just like to blame the world.

Well same thing happened with her last kid and he doesnt pay a cent.

Sorry you so upset by this, no matter who is to blame I still refuse to sacrifice my life for another person.

Have to laugh at the personal attacks for living at home, I paid more bills than my parents did and still do (for them) so its far from an easy life.

 

Either way, thank you all for your input, its definitely helped me gather the strength to do what I need to do.

 

Also never said I wouldnt be there for my girl. I will be, but I cant be near this women that brought her into such a life. This is why we have options like abortion and the morning after. If someone head is too far up in the clouds to make some hard decisions in the interest of sparing thier child this kind of family then there's not much I or anyone can do.

Face facts when deciding to have a child instead of using bull femenist lines like "man up" because that only festers resentment.

Okay -- "you cannot stand a woman who brought this child into this life?" You brought her into this world as well.

and "man up" is not a feminist line - it is most often said BY MEN. You really need to throw a big bucket of reality on yourself, here, and start taking responsibility for your choices that you have freely made. I mean, you don't even say "i chose to do this but now realize it was a bad choice" you flat out say that everything was not your doing/not your choice. You can't just stumble through life like that.

I literally did not bring this child into this world.

And no I take full responsibility, however as a result of the circumstances around how it happened I wont be staying with the mother.

Who cares who's blaming who. The point is ladies, if your going to have someone's child without thier consent then dont expect that person to stay.

I don't have to and I'm not going to.

If you want a fairy tale ending then you need to make better decisions.

Im at peace with the horrible reality that is my life now. Kids are cancerous, parent hood is miserable, I'm bailing and no one can stop me.

I will find happiness but who's going to pick up the tab on a single mother of 2 kids to 2 different dads? Good luck with that!

I mean if its her body and her decision to have a child then its also going to be her responsibility.

You cant pick and choose where you get a say and where I dont all while telling me its my fault. At least she realises this is on her, you guys are deluded into thinking its on me though the only thing I did was her. Regrettably.

There were a few options after that, like the morning after or abortion, especially considering she said its ok I cant get pregnant, then refuses morning after and abortion. Im sorry but if you decide to dig a hole for yourself you cant expect the person who told you not to, to come and get you out or live in the hole forever.

Her choice to go through with it, therefore its my choice to leave. You cant have it both ways.

Im pretty sure the kids will understand when thier older because I hope they are smart enough to know kids ruin lives or bring purpose to meaningless ones at best.

Get a vasectomy so no other baby will turn into a child then teen then adult with a deadbeat dad.

The end.

Father*

I aint her dad.