Did I lose my chance to get him back?

This is our second breakup. It was mutual. We broke up after an argument. After the breakup, I took about three weeks to compose myself and assess the situation. I sent him an email asking for clarification on some of my lingering questions about the relationship.

He sounded very happy to hear from me. He did answer the questions carefully and was making sure that they won't make me angry. I responded with an email thanking him for his answers. I asked if he was seeing anyone else because I would not want to put any woman through the pain that I had gone through while we were in the relationship. Not sure if that was the trigger point but he turned cold with his response. Saying that he is not seeing anyone right now and just wanted to be alone. I sent him an email to wish him well and that I am letting him go. He has not responded to it. I don't think he will. Do you think I have lost him for good? Any input or ad is would be much appreciated.

Sorry to hear this. What were the arguments/breakups about? What did you mean by this?:

I asked if he was seeing anyone else because I would not want to put any woman through the pain that I had gone through while we were in the relationship.

Sorry to hear this. What were the arguments/breakups about? What did you mean by this?:

Thank you for your question, Wiseman2. When we were in a relationship, I had to endure his ex wanted to reconcile and he communicated with them without letting them know that he was dating me. i only found out when we were watching TV and a text from her came in. I found it to be disrespectful and painful. We had a big argument over it, but did not break up at the time.That was why I asked him that question.

I asked if he was seeing anyone else because I would not want to put any woman through the pain that I had gone through while we were in the relationship? This sounded to me like a stab directed at him....it's no wonder he shut down. You sound a little emotional and it wore him down. Not saying you are bi-polar, but sometimes a person can bring out the worst in us and that's because of incompatibility. Most relationships don't last or just run their course. You still feel an attachment but sometimes you just need to cut your losses and move on....it would be a healthy decision.

I asked if he was seeing anyone else because I would not want to put any woman through the pain that I had gone through while we were in the relationship? This sounded to me like a stab directed at him....it's no wonder he shut down. You sound a little emotional and it wore him down. Not saying you are bi-polar, but sometimes a person can bring out the worst in us and that's because of incompatibility. Most relationships don't last or just run their course. You still feel an attachment but sometimes you just need to cut your losses and move on....it would be a healthy decision.

Smackie9- I never thought of it that way. You are so dead on. I guess I was still angry with him when I sent that email. I had to endure quite a bit of that during the relationship and it just came out without much thought and consideration.

I am not sure of the time frame, but I'd be irked being asked if I was seeing someone.

First off, we are no longer a couple, therefore it's not an appropriate question. Then implying your concern for his next victim is a little insulting.

Secondly, if the breakup is really fresh it might somehow challenge my integrity that I may have either been cheating or lining someone else up before the sheets were cold.

I understand why he might have pulled away even further.

If this is your second break up, maybe consider that you should actually stay broken up because you two are too incompatible to stay together. Trying to get back together for a third, fourth, fifth break up and you need to start examining your own sanity, relationship choices and other issues........

Reinventmyself- The breakup was fairly recent. About a month or so. There were many things that would give me knee jerk reactions. You , see, he cheated on his ex wife, which, although, he never cheated on me, but I always had to sleep with one eye opened, so to speak. I guess it is the trust issue that was the biggest defficient in that relationship. Oh my- looks like I am losing him for good.

DancingFool= true, we keep waltzing in and out.

DancingFool= true, we keep waltzing in and out.

I'd heal, move on, and start looking for more and better than that ^

What has changed since the 2nd break up that makes you think it'll be better this time?

Why did you break up with him if you wanted to be with him?

Rosephase- that is a fair question. The first time I broke up with him was because I felt that I was a rebound girl. He broke up with his ex fiance a month prior getting together with me. I did not know it but became very obvious that he was not over her. It clouded our relationship and I just was not able to take it anymore so I broke up with him. When I decided to come back, he swore that he was over her.

During the three weeks that I took to reassess and recompose myself, I realized that I have some attachment anxiety. And that, it resulted in his pulling and I am pushing. I am working on that right now. He is aware that I am working on them. Of course, he is having his own issues as well. I can't control that portion just mine. The first time when we got back together, we'd completely ignored our short comings. They'd crept back in very soon afterwards. This time, I am planning to face the issues head on and work at them if we are to have anything fruitful. But I guess, I had blown the chance. He is now in his corner again.

If he's not telling his ex-girlfriends he's in a relationship and is entertaining these convo's behind your back, why do you wish to remain with him?

JaggerJim- Another fair question. I am going to tell you why.

6 years ago,, I broke up/walked away from a 5 year long term relationship. He had moved on since then. They are happy now. But he never had the closure for our relationship. I just talked to him on the phone recently. He asked me point blank" why did I leave" We talked and ironed out all the details to help him to move on. I will always care for him but no longer in love with him.

I take that experience and apply it to my recent ex. He might be feeling the same. But he did not want to tell me because he did not want to upset me is my thought. I am not trying to make excuses for his behavior, just trying to empathize with it. If there is a chance with him, I hope this realization is going to help us in the future. If there is no chance and I move on, I won't be making the same mistakes.

Why would you contact him after 6 yrs, knowing he moved on long ago? As far as the recent situation unfortunately it sounds like he wasn't over his fiance. The same mistake would be to continue an on/off relationship and contacting unavailable men or exes. Correcting the mistake would be to go no contact, consider a breakup closure and move to a fresh new chapter in your life.

He had moved on since then. They are happy now. I just talked to him on the phone recently. If there is a chance with him, I hope this realization is going to help us in the future. If there is no chance and I move on, I won't be making the same mistakes.

Wiseman- regarding my ex from 6 years ago. We bought a car together once, and I needed the bank documents that he still has was why I had to contact him. I am all tied up with emotions, and by discussing it in this forum, I have unbiased opinions instead of the :pump the loser" from my family. I am starting to see the end at the end of the tunnel.

Excellent. Agree that's the advantage of a forum, you hear quite a few varied viewpoints and can consider those that resonate with you.

by discussing it in this forum, I have unbiased opinions instead of the :pump the loser" from my family. I am starting to see the end at the end of the tunnel.

Don't ever go back to a guy who's hung up on other women, OP.

Two break-ups is more than enough to be sure he isn't the one for you.

JaggerJim- Another fair question. I am going to tell you why.

6 years ago,, I broke up/walked away from a 5 year long term relationship. He had moved on since then. They are happy now. But he never had the closure for our relationship. I just talked to him on the phone recently. He asked me point blank" why did I leave" We talked and ironed out all the details to help him to move on. I will always care for him but no longer in love with him.

I take that experience and apply it to my recent ex. He might be feeling the same. But he did not want to tell me because he did not want to upset me is my thought. I am not trying to make excuses for his behavior, just trying to empathize with it. If there is a chance with him, I hope this realization is going to help us in the future. If there is no chance and I move on, I won't be making the same mistakes.

But what does any of that have to do with concealing you from his ex?

Why do you think he wanted his ex to think he was single?

JaggerJim- Another fair question. I am going to tell you why.

6 years ago,, I broke up/walked away from a 5 year long term relationship. He had moved on since then. They are happy now. But he never had the closure for our relationship. I just talked to him on the phone recently. He asked me point blank" why did I leave" We talked and ironed out all the details to help him to move on. I will always care for him but no longer in love with him.

I take that experience and apply it to my recent ex. He might be feeling the same. But he did not want to tell me because he did not want to upset me is my thought. I am not trying to make excuses for his behavior, just trying to empathize with it. If there is a chance with him, I hope this realization is going to help us in the future. If there is no chance and I move on, I won't be making the same mistakes.

What happened between you and your ex 6 years ago is not something that you should be projecting to your current situation. These are not the same people and not the same situation. Your ex from years before did move on. Sure it might have been nice to have some questions answered after all these years and once his emotions are settled down, but try not to turn that into more than what it was. Also, don't try to force this relationship to happen just because of the previous relationship - that's unhealthy on your part.

In this current situation, the guy is not over his ex and not ready to date. You were correct to walk away from him the first time and should have stayed away for good. Once you break up the second time....it really is time to throw in the towel and admit that you are with the wrong person. Of course you take away lessons from every relationship, good or bad, but this is where you take those lessons with you into a fresh future with someone else.

What happened between you and your ex 6 years ago is not something that you should be projecting to your current situation. These are not the same people and not the same situation. Your ex from years before did move on. Sure it might have been nice to have some questions answered after all these years and once his emotions are settled down, but try not to turn that into more than what it was. Also, don't try to force this relationship to happen just because of the previous relationship - that's unhealthy on your part.

 

In this current situation, the guy is not over his ex and not ready to date. You were correct to walk away from him the first time and should have stayed away for good. Once you break up the second time....it really is time to throw in the towel and admit that you are with the wrong person. Of course you take away lessons from every relationship, good or bad, but this is where you take those lessons with you into a fresh future with someone else.

DancingFool- yes- the one from 6 years ago was just a nostalgic memories. We have since moved on. I never thought about going back to him even if I wanted to. We are in two separate states now.

The current one, I will heal and be over it. I am just a bit weak right now. But this relationship was by no means the most important one in my life thus far. So far, I had a relationship that lasted a little over a year and a half, but took me 9 years to get over. I had a relationship over three years and took me two weeks to be over, so ....I will be over this one soon.