Unhealthy anxiety?

Soooo, yeah, I've talked about this situation before but a quick recap is that I met someone online last summer and we've talked online EVERY SINGLE DAY and have still not met. We've shared so much about our lives but I've been too anxious to meet him due to struggling to finish my master's degree and my mother having a cancer diagnosis. It's just seemed to much to deal with.

Anyway, recently I've been so worried about how much of my life I've shared and started to worry about it all being not real at all. He tells me how amazing I am all the time and has made efforts to speak everyday. I thought, well, he speaks to me every day and sends me pics of his dog and his family and shares pics of what he is up to etc. He seems so lovely and from what I know of him online he is great. He's kinda cooled off this week but I get it. If I had a dude who still hadn't met me after all this time I Would have checked out ages ago. But he still makes an effort. I've been off with him too actually as I've started to question this whole thing. I'm planning to meet him during the Easter holidays but have major anxiety over it. He was pestering me for us to follow one another on Insta and eventually I followed him and vice versa. Since then I've noticed that he likes this girls posts constantly and she likes his back. The thing is is that this girl posts very sexually provocative pics (not judging just so opposite of my vibe) and he seems like a big fan. Literally every pic she posts of her boobs and ass he has clicked his approval and it's made me realise that there's so much I don't know. Furthermore he logs into this dating app constantly and it's starting to put me off. I know and understand that I have no right to expect exclusivity with someone who hasn't even met me in the flesh but it just kinda puts me off. I can't explain it and I know I sound ridiculous. It's just that we have spoken so much and he says he's not scared to throw his all into something with me when he meets me as I am 'so uniquely suited to what he's looking for ' . I know so much about his family. He whatsapps me when he's at parties and just shares so much in general. So I'm shocked that over this time he's so into this girl's sexy pics. I've not replied to him properly for about 3 days now because it's grossed me out. His constant logging on to the dating site has just put me off and I'm thinking strongly to end it all. Am I being too much? Have I got unrealistic expectations? I won't want to meet him and start anything whereby I'm worrying about his intentions. My friends tell me he wouldn't have stuck it out for this long (8 months) for just a f**ck buddy. Arghhh I'm going to feel so mean telling him Its over and I'll miss him. Just have a niggle and you're meant to trust your instincts right?

Online relationships aren't real, and they're a poor substitute for the real thing. It's just wasting your time. Imagine the fun you would have had if you had spent all this time with a real boyfriend, holding hands, going to movies, having romantic dinners, and so forth.

In your case, I wouldn't be surprised if this guy had other women he was talking to online as well. You said he still logs into his dating app. Obviously he's looking for other girls. And online romances attract a lot of guys who have issues, such as autism, Asperger's, and other problems. And your friends are wrong about a guy not wanting to wait 8 months for sex. It's known as the long con. He hopes to make you emotionally dependent on him so you'll put up with his eccentric behavior.

My advice is to break it off. You're wasting your time. Find someone nice where you are. Don't meet up with this guy for sex.

I am baffled about your expectations. He knows you are not interested in meeting him in person -enough to put in an effort to meet him, that is. If you really wanted to in all this time you would have chosen him over your anxiety and you would have found the time. I had a very serious relationship while I was in an intense grad program. If you're not available to meet him because of your anxiety then understand that that is ok -he's just someone you chat with online - but then you don't get to complain if he pursues other women - he is not pursuing you in real life at all and you are not pursuing him in real life. Also you have to wonder why he is taking the time to continue interacting with you online if, as he claims, he is looking for a real life relationship. That seems inconsistent to me.

he hasn't stuck anything out -in fact it's really safe for him to fantasize about how awesome you are because he knows the chances of you following through and actually meeting him are very slim. As a separate matter, I wouldn't date anyone who behaved as he did, liking photos of women's bodies in the way he is -it would turn my stomach and be incompatible with my values in general and about women and male-female interactions. Are you sure it is he who is liking the photos and not someone using his account? How do you know he is who he says he is, anyway?

In short, unless you want to meet him in a public place for a few hours very soon and you're sure you will show up unless there's a life/death emergency, I'd stop having this online interaction. And if you do meet him, have the expectation that all this chit-chat has almost no connection to whether you two will have chemistry in person.

The reason why you have anxiety is instinctual. The guy doesnt even know you , he can't know that you are amazing, not from those kind of exchanges. He is playing you.

Thanks for your advice all. I'm going to try to find the right way to end it. It will be hard and I will miss him but there is no point in thinking this is real. Maybe it's become habitual rather than real.

I felt ready to meet but I think it's doomed already by my worries which may indeed be trying to tell me something.

I don't think it's the kind of thing where I could just stop talking to him so will have to find a non weird way to end it. A way where he can't talk me round or try to convince me. I feel very sad but trying to remember I'm sad for something that's not real.

Usually when you meet a person online, the next step is to meet in person. Why hasn't this happened? The insta pic liking is nothing compared to the reasons you guys aren't meeting up. Is it a long distance?

Sometimes we're anxious because we know something is wrong, just like thorough said. You were anxious to meet him in the beginning, not only due to your master's degree or your mother's illness (sorry about that by the way, I know it can be hard). Maybe you're not ready for a relationship and what you have with all the sharing etc covers your emotional needs?

Either way, it's way too long to be chatting online with someone without meeting and expecting something healthy out of it.

Has he ever mentioned meeting you?

Usually when you meet a person online, the next step is to meet in person. Why hasn't this happened? The insta pic liking is nothing compared to the reasons you guys aren't meeting up. Is it a long distance?

 

Sometimes we're anxious because we know something is wrong, just like thorough said. You were anxious to meet him in the beginning, not only due to your master's degree or your mother's illness (sorry about that by the way, I know it can be hard). Maybe you're not ready for a relationship and what you have with all the sharing etc covers your emotional needs?

 

Either way, it's way too long to be chatting online with someone without meeting and expecting something healthy out of it.

 

Has he ever mentioned meeting you?

Yes he mentions it all the time. I've just kept saying I can't because of my masters degree.

I had planned to meet him after a month or so after meeting him online but it just turned into this huge thing.

I had just decided to leave the dating apps when I met him as thought I wasn't in the right place to meet someone. We had exchanged some nice messages and agreed to add him to my WhatsApp. I just thought oh I'll meet him when I feel a bit better about myself. I knew straight away that he seemed a bit more special than the rest.

The day just never came where I felt ok to meet him.

He seems very intellectual and I just don't feel good enough. Plus now I know he's active still on the dating apps I feel even more inadequate. Now I've taken it too far and ruined it.

Yes he mentions it all the time. I've just kept saying I can't because of my masters degree.

I had planned to meet him after a month or so after meeting him online but it just turned into this huge thing.

 

I had just decided to leave the dating apps when I met him as thought I wasn't in the right place to meet someone. We had exchanged some nice messages and agreed to add him to my WhatsApp. I just thought oh I'll meet him when I feel a bit better about myself. I knew straight away that he seemed a bit more special than the rest.

The day just never came where I felt ok to meet him.

He seems very intellectual and I just don't feel good enough. Plus now I know he's active still on the dating apps I feel even more inadequate. Now I've taken it too far and ruined it.

There was nothing to ruin as far as dating. He was an online friend except that he wanted to meet and you weren't serious about meeting -not serious in your actions which is really all that counts in these kinds of situations. Long distance is hard enough and will all these challenges and obstacles including you getting in your own way I'd move on from being in contact with him.

There was nothing to ruin as far as dating. He was an online friend except that he wanted to meet and you weren't serious about meeting -not serious in your actions which is really all that counts in these kinds of situations. Long distance is hard enough and will all these challenges and obstacles including you getting in your own way I'd move on from being in contact with him.

Agree with Batya and good gawd you can hardly fault him for wanting to keep options open and "liking" other girls' pics, when you refuse to meet him.

Not quite sure what your rationale is for feeling this way, it's actually quite selfish in my opinion.

I also think your not wanting to meet him because you're studying for your master's degree or your mom's illness (I'm sorry :() is a cop out.

There is something deeper going on, within you, that causes you to not want to meet.

Commitment issues, anxiety, something deeper.

Because when we "meet" someone on line and have the type of connection such that you described, people without these "issues" who are seeking a "real life" relationship, would want to meet in person ASAP!

I met a man in person last night whom I met on line. We chatted for approx two weeks before meeting.

And it was amazing! I'm gonna update my own thread later, but the connection was just as strong in person (more so) than it was on line.

I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment but excited! We will be seeing each other again tonight too!

Thanks for your advice all. I'm going to try to find the right way to end it. It will be hard and I will miss him but there is no point in thinking this is real. Maybe it's become habitual rather than real.

I felt ready to meet but I think it's doomed already by my worries which may indeed be trying to tell me something.

I don't think it's the kind of thing where I could just stop talking to him so will have to find a non weird way to end it. A way where he can't talk me round or try to convince me. I feel very sad but trying to remember I'm sad for something that's not real.

Are you seeing a therapist for your anxiety? I think you should forget about dating or even talking to guys until you've gotten more confidence and you feel more ready to do more then "talk" to guys. You'd also be better off not conducting long, drawn out online "talk" relationships that only get you bonded and then your anxiety takes over when they want to meet and you've become just too comfortable with the safety of your computer relating to take the next step.

Start out meeting first in real life situations where you actually get to know someone rather then depend on words on a screen as being someone's truth. Words without actions, are just words.

You end it by telling him that you're not ready to date or meet due to your condition, you wish him well and then you delete yourself from his social media sites so you can't stalk him and hold yourself back from rehabbing from the addiction of chatting with him. Its that simple.

So: Are you getting help with your general anxiety?

I agree with everyone above. You don't want to be in a relationship for whatever reason, but don't take that "whatever reason" lightly! Start therapy to figure out why; it's the best thing you can do for yourself.

Him liking the other girls pictures is not a worry; your issues are deeper than that, yet manageable, I promise.

I agree with everyone above. You don't want to be in a relationship for whatever reason, but don't take that "whatever reason" lightly! Start therapy to figure out why; it's the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

Him liking the other girls pictures is not a worry; your issues are deeper than that, yet manageable, I promise.

Thank you so much. I've been thinking quite deeply about the responses I've had on here the past week.

It's really hard to see my issues as 'manageable' but seeing a therapist once a week for talking therapy.

I'm thinking about referring myself for CBT - cognitive behavioural therapy.

I haven't ended things with this guy but since I've focused on other things it's not so huge.

I really hope I can work things out because I have a lot of love to give. I hadn't meant to come across as selfish in this situation. I would love a healthy relationship one day. Hopefully not too far down the line!

Just a peek from his side. . He's asked to meet you and you've put him off. Having said that, it's surprising he chats with you at all.

He likes you but knows not to count on you, therefore he moves on to meet other women in the meantime.

I might be concerned if he didn't. I'd be wondering why he's invested in something that ultimately has no pay off.

In turn you are bugged and are considering ending your electronic friendship.

That's all it's been to begin with. . .unless you take the risk and take the time to meet him.