I'm confused as to what my boyfriend's motives were?

So my boyfriend last night told me that about a year ago, he was in a dark place and he didn't feel very good about himself (low self-esteem) etc, and to make himself feel better, he got into contact with his ex-girlfriend, in hopes of her falling for him, to put her down and reject her.

(We were together at this point).

Back then, he told me he was in contact with her because her father died, and he was messaging her to see how she was. However, he started to like her Instagram posts with her cleavage showing etc, and I told him back then that I did not feel comfortable with it, in which he responded that he liked the picture by accident.

However, he told me last night that he lied about it, and in fact, he did it in attempt to get an ego boost to see if she liked him back.

After I found out about it, he blocked her on every social media site, and has not spoken to her since.

I feel very betrayed knowing this happened, and that was his intention. I recognize that it was a year ago, but he lied to me all this time about it.

I don't know whether I believe him in the fact that he was in a 'bad place', so in order to get some satisfaction, he wanted to reject someone... especially not his ex-girlfriend, who at the time was grieving over her father passing, it is a cruel thing to want to do, regardless of the circumstances of the death.

I inquired about it, and he told me that it wasn't exactly about his ex-girlfriend, and that he wanted to reject a girl by going in a club, flirting with her, and then rejecting her. Which, in my mind, does not make any sense. I do not know why someone would want to hurt an innocent individual.

I feel like I cannot trust him, and despite the fact that he has told me he has changed (he has in many ways), and that he does not feel this way anymore. For example, we see each other most nights, we go out on dates a lot, he does not ignore me, he has stopped talking to other girls and liking their pictures. I can genuinely tell he cares about me, and all of my family members absolutely love him.

I just cannot shake off the uneasiness of the situation.

I am not sure whether he is telling the truth, and in fact, he did want her to like him so he could reject her. Yet, I cannot see his logic in that, especially as he had a girlfriend, and at the time they broke up over two years ago, so surely he was over the breakup?

Or, he lied to me again, and in fact, he wanted to test the water to see if she had feelings and if so he would break up with me and go off with her.

I am just confused as to whether I should let it go as it was back in October 2016 when he was talking to her, or if this is a sign of bigger things, and I cannot, in fact, trust him.

What are your thoughts on the situation?

Thanks in advance:nightmare:

Wait - what do you mean “he stopped talking to other girls”? Was he talking to other girls before? And why would he want to either hurt his ex by seeing if she would fall for him or hurt an innocent person, to just then reject them? That is a terrible character flaw. Sorry - I have no advice - but he’s a jerk. I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that. Even if your whole family loves him. Sounds like a sociopath. You should trust your gut.

As in he used to have friends who were female, and he would often message them on social media. I’m not sure whether he would flirt with them or not, but after holding in my worries and suspicions about it for years, I finally told him how I felt about it, about a year or two ago now and he blocked them all.

I know it is a very flawed character to have, and he only admitted it to me now, and I feel very uneasy by it.

Something seems off about his explanation. It does seem like his excuse is just a red herring.

How long had you been dating when he did this?

I consider that behavior worthy of ending a relationship, trust is a big thing and that definately fractured it.

I really understand your concern. Now you don't know what to trust.

We were together nearly two years when he did that. I am really contemplating our relationship, and I was talking to him about it last night and he just kept saying he didn’t know why he did it etc. Which isn’t a good enough excuse.

Also, i also asked him to explain the ‘dark hole’ he was apparently in from 2015-2016, and he kept repeating that he wasn’t ready to talk about it, and seemed genuinely distressed and at one point I thought he was going to cry.

Even if it happened in October 2016, would you end the relationship now?

Well, to be fair, it was actually almost a year ago that you, yourself, were interacting with a guy who'd previously been complimenting you, flirting, and asking about cuddling.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530457

Now obviously there's likely deeper roots in his case given the whole ex dynamic, and it's not to give him a pass or to weigh the sins equally, but simply to suggest that the relationship seems to have been off in enough ways and for a long enough time where neither of you have behaved in a manner that's all too reflective of confidence in the relationship. I mean I think you made as many threads about it in 2017 as there were months.

I do question his motives, but not so much in seeking this attention from the ex as why he's telling you this a year later. My guess would be either he's got a renewed faith in you two and wants to come clean with the guilt to sorta start anew, or it's his way of telling you his foot's out the door.

Either way, my advice is more or less the same. I think you've beaten this dead horse past the point of it being no longer recognizable. What silver lining do you honestly see?

I see where you are coming from and I agree.

I don’t think his foots out the door, but rather he wants to come clean with the guilt. He has genuinely changed so much in the past year, and I do think he cares about me. In the past, he definitely didn’t and it was obvious.

And I don’t think i see much for the future for us, but I’ve gotten so used to him that I can’t/don’t want to be without him

Is he still away at uni? It seems you've been on/off with trust and issues with dating others in between or during your relationship. It may be best to start with a clean slate and get on some dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to and meeting guys for coffee. This situation seems expired and beyond constant repair. It's like a worthless car that you keep dumping more money in than it's worth. Be smart...get a new model with less mileage.

My first question would have been, "Why are you telling me this?"

BF is quite the manipulator.

I inquired about it, and he told me that it wasn't exactly about his ex-girlfriend, and that he wanted to reject a girl by going in a club, flirting with her, and then rejecting her. Which, in my mind, does not make any sense. I do not know why someone would want to hurt an innocent individual.

It doesn't make any sense because it is obviously a lie.

Yet, I cannot see his logic in that, especially as he had a girlfriend, and at the time they broke up over two years ago, so surely he was over the breakup?

Or, he lied to me again, and in fact, he wanted to test the water to see if she had feelings and if so he would break up with me and go off with her.

This is the truth.

No way would I continue this relationship.