I don’t think I’ll ever be the same...plz help

Hi! My boyfriend of 7.5 years has just recently broke up with me. We lived together for about 5 years. We have two cats who I’m in love with. I’m close with his family. (I’ve known him since I was 7 years old) We did so much together. When he told me he couldn’t do this anymore I was and still am unbelievably broken. I feel like I’m losing everything. I was so close to him as a boyfriend and he was my best friend. I was so comfortable with him but in a good way. He’s been feeling depressed and finally went to a therapist to figure things out. And after that things just weren’t the same. When he broke up with me he said I was too dependent on him but it was his fault cause he let it get that way. That I don’t like to go out of my comfort zone ( which is true but I manage when I have to. I have anxiety and sometimes it’s hard). He said he loves me and sorry that he his hurting me. And he was actually getting teary ( which is something I’ve never seen in 7.5 years.) I told him that I’m sorry that things have got so bad and I love him and that I am willing to change and not throw all this away because of that and I’m sorry it took so long. I wanted to work on us instead of give up But he was set in his way. Ect. So I’m here now at my moms trying to let it sink in but it just hurts so much. I don’t think I will ever get over this even tho people keep saying I will. He was my world. I loved him I loved the life we were making together and I love our cats. I’m just feeling so much right now at the same time feeling nothing at all. To go from someone you talk to and see every day. Share everything with. Sleep next to ect. To be reduced to an ex just sucks. I still have hope that we will get back together some day but I don’t jnow. I’m scared of dating again after 7.5 years. I was 19 when we first started dating. Someone please help me and let me know there is light at the end of this dark dark tunnel. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

So you are 26 now?

You have so much ahead of you, and you will go on!!!

Life is not over... It is a new beginning for you...

I was 25 when I met my ex wife... 26 when we married... 39 when we divorced... Now I am 43 and my GF is 34... Go figure this out... haha...

However your ex makes a good point... Co-dependency is not sexy.... Independence is...

Since my divorce, I dated a few women... One actually hooked me for 2.5 years... And after her, I decided to change things a bit... As I realized that every woman I was meeting and dating was super co-dependent and clingy...

I understand, and all men do understand, that women want security.... However, we live in a day and age where one income is not enough...Especially when children are involved... So, an independent woman is a huge bonus....

I have 2 kids... I share them with their mom, and thankfully I am paying "0" to my ex... She has a career as I do, so I walked away after 14 years with $ in my pocket and dignity... We both pitch in when it comes to the kids.... Still, meeting women at my age is not so easy, and most have their own children... They want security, and a guy that will take on them and their entire package (their kids), preferably someone that has experience raising their own kids... And not everyone is upfront about the crazy ex-husband, or issues with their kids etc... And I found myself in that situation with my ex of 2.5 years...

My advise to you: Take your time, breathe, breathe out, reflect.... Don't go chasing because you are lonely... It will be a rebound and you will hurt you, and the new person in your life... Heal first... You are still very young, so do finally the things you always wanted to do :)... Build up your independence... Set goals...

I know it hurts right now, but it won't soon... And then, is when someone wonderful will show up...

My current GF is very co-dependent also... And I have been working with her patiently in order for her to become a more independent woman... I set boundaries (a good thing) and she respects that... She perhaps does not like the idea of me setting boundaries, but she is on board and understands why... I have been honest with her from day 1...

Always remember this... It is not the NEED to be with someone... It is the WANT to be with someone... Also words mean nothing... Actions do... :)

Mikey, thank you for taking time to read my story and replying. I really appreciate the comfort of strangers words than the people around me. They tend not to sugar coat things and I think you for that.

In case you don't know the concrete things for being independent, here they are: Fulfilling career, good support system of girlfriends and family time, hobbies/interests of your own that don't include a partner. Of course you want quality time with a significant other, but you also need time spent apart on your own interests. This ensures your partner won't be smothered. It will make you a more interesting person to be able to share stories of what happened while you were out with friends or what progress you made on your hobby.

Plus, if a relationship ends, which they sometimes do, it won't be the end of the world, as you have a satisfying life BESIDES him.

He was your first love, and that's why there is a term for that. Most people have one, and then one or both outgrow that relationship and move onto others.

After so long with him, I highly recommend one year solo to work on a satisfying single life. If you don't do that, your future relationships will likely fail. Good luck.

Sorry this is happening. Do you work or go to school? Are you close to your family or hang out with friends? Do you have things that can move you forward such as groups, clubs, classes, volunteering, etc? When you are ready, it's good to get out there again and date. Never make anyone your world. Create your own world.

he said I was too dependent on him. He was my world. I’m scared of dating again after 7.5 years.

Thanks everyone. To add to my sad love story we did in fact do our own things every once and a while with our own friends or family. I never forced him to hangout with me. It was just something we did cause we wanted to. But now I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I’m working part time which is one of the reason we broke up. But I’m going to use this time to find a full time job. He wasn’t my first long term relationship I had two others that lasted two years. This was just a way more serious and a lot longer relationship which is why it hurts so much. he wasn’t ready for marriage or kids but we did talk about it.

Mikey, thank you for taking time to read my story and replying. I really appreciate the comfort of strangers words than the people around me. They tend not to sugar coat things and I think you for that.

You are very welcome :).

I hope you understand.

Also, being complacent in a relationship is not sexy either... Especially when the rubber meets the road, people tend to run away/ look the other way/freeze, and not address the issues.... This only creates more problems...

You said that you got super comfy... And yes, that comfort is gone... Both for you and him... And if he moves on quickly, just let him... There is nothing you can do to change that... Don't plea in order to get him back... Also it takes 2 people to resolve issues together... A relationship should never be single sided... It is not fair to the other person...

I do not know the details of what has happened between you two, but it sounds like he checked out a while back, and it is hitting you just now... He most likely stuck around for who knows what reasons... Do not be surprised when you find out that there is someone new he is seeing... But don't go running and desperately trying to find someone to replace him... You will look desperate and on a rebound... Rebounds hurt people and create new rebounds...

The ex that I dated for 2.5 years... After we were finally finished for good, I found out that she had scores of men come and go after her divorce for years... She always had someone and never took the time to heal after her divorce as I did... So, she dragged her emotional baggage for years, from one partner to the other... one rebound to the next rebound... Although she managed to be with me for a long time, I was a rebound also, and I was unaware of it...2.5 years is a long time in my opinion (probably I was the longest thus far since her divorce)...But again it does not matter, as she showed no signs of remorse... She replaced me quite quick... Again, she could not be alone for a while and reflect on things... Was she aware of the issues? Yes...absolutely... Did she fix those issues? Nope... I became the next addition to her baggage, and she basically took that on to the next person after me... You have been in a relationship for 7.5 years... That is long, and nearly a time span of an marriage... So, take your time and heal... Let him be him and you be you :)....

Excellent. Hope you find a good job, then get your own place with roommates and pets. It sounds like there was an impasse about the future and marriage and kids talk was not on the same page. Also not contributing financially. It sounds like he's been miserable for quite some time and through therapy gained the strength to tell you and set you free to find who and what you want in life.

I’m working part time which is one of the reason we broke up. But I’m going to use this time to find a full time job.he wasn’t ready for marriage or kids but we did talk about it.

In case you don't know the concrete things for being independent, here they are: Fulfilling career, good support system of girlfriends and family time, hobbies/interests of your own that don't include a partner. Of course you want quality time with a significant other, but you also need time spent apart on your own interests. This ensures your partner won't be smothered. It will make you a more interesting person to be able to share stories of what happened while you were out with friends or what progress you made on your hobby.

 

Plus, if a relationship ends, which they sometimes do, it won't be the end of the world, as you have a satisfying life BESIDES him.

 

He was your first love, and that's why there is a term for that. Most people have one, and then one or both outgrow that relationship and move onto others.

 

After so long with him, I highly recommend one year solo to work on a satisfying single life. If you don't do that, your future relationships will likely fail. Good luck.

Totally agree with Andrina...

Well said and put...

:)

Awww OP, you make me think of my daughter who is 26... I know it's hard, I have been there... was with my daughter's father from the time I was 18 until I was 24, we eventually outgrew each other, I thought I would never get over it but I have moved on several times over since then, was even married for 15 years.

I am starting to realize that relationships are not always meant to be forever. We want them to be, because we don't want to be in pain... but ultimately by letting go of one we almost certainly open ourselves up for something better to come along, and I can tell you 100% that each relationship I have had has been better than the last and has taught me a lot about myself. I am also realizing that the risk is worth the reward in the end.

Keep your chin up girl and use this as a chance to find your own happiness in life.

I just can’t see myself moving on from this and part of me doesn’t want to. I know that sounds so weird and stupid to say. Be we were honestly and genuinely so close. I’m not losing a boyfriend but also my best friend. We’ve shared so much in 7.5 years not with just his but his family and my family. His family was my family. I know he’s hurting too but I just wish we could figure this out together. Is there any hope that he will want me back? If I get my together. I have bad anxiety and over think and over analyze everything and it really sucks. I really appreciate all of you who have commented. This is such a hard time for me and nice to know that even strangers care xoxo

The best thing you can do is get a full time job, stop talking marriage and kids and become more independent. have some activities, goals and plans outside of him. Work hard on a self improvement plan, inside and out. Job, place, money in the bank, your own place and a more adult lifestyle. In the meantime go no contact and do not beg or lose your self respect.

I just wish we could figure this out together. Is there any hope that he will want me back? If I get my together.

I just can’t see myself moving on from this and part of me doesn’t want to. I know that sounds so weird and stupid to say. Be we were honestly and genuinely so close. I’m not losing a boyfriend but also my best friend. We’ve shared so much in 7.5 years not with just his but his family and my family. His family was my family. I know he’s hurting too but I just wish we could figure this out together. Is there any hope that he will want me back? If I get my together. I have bad anxiety and over think and over analyze everything and it really sucks. I really appreciate all of you who have commented. This is such a hard time for me and nice to know that even strangers care xoxo

Also, give him time....

Sometimes people don't realize what they had, until they lose it...

But I do agree with NO CONTACT...

He dumped you.. It is his job to come to you and ask you for forgiveness... Do not go asking him...

In mean time... Be YOU....Do YOU...

Thank you Mikey. I would really love for that to be the case. In the mean time I have to figure out a way to get all my things out of there and say goodbye to my cats. Which is just as hard as saying goodbye to my boyfriend. I feel like this weight will always be on my shoulder. How can I get over the memories and the places we went and shared together. They are no longer places I want to be without him. I feel so hopeless and pathetic. I’m grieving the loss of someone who is still alive. All this is hitting me so hard but it also feels so unreal. Will it ever feel better? I’m scared I’m going to see him or his family out in our town too. Does getting over a long term relationship really ever get better? Sos

Thank you Mikey. I would really love for that to be the case. In the mean time I have to figure out a way to get all my things out of there and say goodbye to my cats. Which is just as hard as saying goodbye to my boyfriend. I feel like this weight will always be on my shoulder. How can I get over the memories and the places we went and shared together. They are no longer places I want to be without him. I feel so hopeless and pathetic. I’m grieving the loss of someone who is still alive. All this is hitting me so hard but it also feels so unreal. Will it ever feel better? I’m scared I’m going to see him or his family out in our town too. Does getting over a long term relationship really ever get better? Sos

In your case, It will take a long time...

But it will eventually fade away...

And when you are not looking, someone will pop up... Just like that... It is the nature of the universe...

Yes, getting over a long-term relationship does get better.

I am sorry you're going through this; your pain is palpable through the screen. Many of us have been where you are, but we also came out the other side. I have ended a couple long-term, live-in relationships over the years and while it feels like your world is collapsing around you now, you also must realize that you're still in the eye of the storm.

For the moment, take this one day at a time. Healing is a slow process, so it's natural that you cannot yet envision life without him. Don't force yourself to do that just yet. Break your weeks and days down into manageable chunks of time so you can worry about taking care of yourself and getting through to the next day. You will need plenty of time to adjust to this new phase. It happens a little bit at a time, and it's often one step forward and another one back. Be patient with yourself. You've just a major shock to the system.

Did you have any kind of activities or things outside of your relationship with him and his family? Did you go places with friends, get together with coworkers after work, have any hobbies on your own? Or was your entire focus on him?

Miss Canuck thank you for your kind words. This does feel like the end of the world but knowing people have struggled like me and made it out alive is reassuring. I really do appreciate it. Thank you

Boltnrun. Yes we did our own things here and there. I was close with some of his friends and he was close with some of mine. We did do a lot of things together as a couple. I would even hangout with just his parents on occasion. I was close to his parents and we have gone through a lot together. He was there when I lost my dad to cancer. It’s just very hard to even comprehend that this is happening.

What’s making this even harder is the fact that I miss our cats. My cats were awesome. They are more than just cats to me. The cat that was most attached to me would follow me everywhere. I love her so much. I can’t have her where I live now and even if I could I don’t want to separate both cats. It’s breaking my heart so much. I can actual feel pain from this. I know they miss and love me and I just feel so bad. I’m having a hard time coping with the break up but losing my cats is making this the worst. They would always comfort me when I was sad. I just don’t think I can do this anymore. It hurts so bad.

In what ways did he feel you depended on him too much, OP?

You say you have your own interests and friends, so I am wondering what he was referring to.

Miss Canuck, he did help me out a lot financially. I mean I did buy all the basic things and necessities like food. But he never really asked me for help. I would of done anything if I knew this would be the outcome. We did do a lot of things together but we both wanted that. When he wanted to spend time with just his friends or have a guys weekend I respected that. I just don’t think I will ever get over this loss

Hello Cqc March 3rd will be 3 months since my breakup of 4 years I struggle everyday some worse than others. It’s a constant battle and this forum does help, time is your best friend right now. I still don’t eat or sleep like I used to I don’t know if I ever will. But I force myself out of bed and go about my day. Hopefully one day she will just disappear from my mind but I have my doubts. I have found that writing helps I learned that from this forum.

Hawk2347 this breakup wasn’t because someone cheated or we didn’t love each other. I feel that because there is no one solid reason it is making this so much harder.

I’m sorry for your loss. This has to be one of the worst feelings anyone can ever go through and I know your pain. It sucks! It physically hurts. And I can actually feel my heart breaking. I can feel the pain all over my body.

It’s only been a couple of days but my mind keeps going back to him and reliving all our memories. Even ones I forgot about from so long ago will pop up. I wish I could make them stop. I hardly eat and I take medicine to sleep cause that’s the only way

I’m hopeful but don’t want to get my hopes up too high that we will both figure things out but I can only wait. Right now time is my worst enemy. I don’t want to wish my life away but this pain is too much.

People keep telling me it will get better and to go out and stay busy. But this state I’m in, I don’t want to do anything. And I’m sondepressed I don’t think things will ever get better.

I still have all my things at his house. I lived there for 5 years. I don’t even know where to start when getting everything. And I know going back there will just make me more upset. I feel so helpless. Like I’m drowning.

I feel like I lost 7.5 years of my life unless we get back together. All the happy memories I have are now just painful reminders. I was with him for most of my twenties. I know people do it. They recover after much longer and more things they shared together such as kids. But this honestly feels so bad. It hurts so much. I just want him to realize that our problems can be worked out and to not just throw away 7.5 years.