tired of catering to my in-laws

Hello Everyone.

After countless circular arguments regarding this unresolved issue, I've decided to seek help from non-biased strangers on the internet in hopes of moving on and being happy with my wife again. As the title implies, I feel as though I have gone out of my way numerous times to cater to my wife's family, only to be disrespected in return. I know I shouldn't do things for people and expect anything, but the fact that certain members of my wife's family disrespects me, despite all the good things I have done for them is upsetting, especially since they are "family". Furthermore, I've come to the realization that I have done things to benefit my in-laws at my own expense.

Some of the things I did for them include:

1. I stayed with my wife and her family in the hospital for several days as her father was in ICU following a heart attack. He subsequently died. I was about to start a new job in a different state, but turned it down soon after his death for another (much lower paying) position in-state to be with my wife that year. I had just finished my graduate degree and was in severe debt, but by taking the job in-state, I have drastically slowed down my debt repayments.

2. My wife and her mother "forced" me to have a wedding. We got engaged shortly after her father's death, and her mother kept insisting that we have a wedding. I was in no financial situation to have a full fledged wedding. I even informed my mother in law that I was in the process of paying off my student loans and that a wedding what going to make life difficult for me. My words fell on deaf ears. Planning went ahead. I was willing to sign papers so that we were legally married, and then have an actually celebration 1-2 years later when I was in a better situation. My wife would not back me up, and we had a wedding celebration. Yes it was cheaper than most weddings nowadays, but I'm even further behind in my debt repayments.

My finances are in better shape now, and I'm in the process of relocating with my wife to another city for better pay. Unfortunately, I'm being met with resistance again by my wife's mother and brother. I guess they want to keep my wife close by, but I'd really like to just focus on my career, and further improving my finances at the moment - and they know that.

What makes things worse for me is the fact that I stood up for her to my family when they initially did not approve of her. I even stopped talking to them for almost a year. My wife can't even stand up to her mother for me.

In short. I'm annoyed that after catering to their needs, they don't respect my needs, and demand more and more from me. I'm resentful of the fact that it has negatively impacted my finances, and that my wife continues to side with her family. What do I do?

Thanks in advance.

I'm sorry you're having these difficulties with your inlaws. I think it takes two. Have you explored why you're reacting in such a passive way so that you're "forced" to have a wedding reception? So what you're being met with "resistance" -you work full time in a career -right? Isn't "resistance" a part of life? Have you looked into ways for you to resolve conflict in a healthy way that doesn't lead to you feeling resentful or like a martyr?

Of course you've benefited your family at your own expense. Your wife's family is also your family -and especially if you two have children they will be the grandparents.

I also would reevaluate your financial situation -are there ways for you to budget differently so that you feel less stress about finances?

Have an honest conversation with your wife. Tell her how you feel. Tell her how you're going to deal with her family going forward. Your priorities are spot on... help where you can but ultimately take care of your own family first. Time to be firm and stand up for what you think is best for you, your family and your future. Any loving wife will respect and understand your reasoning and will probably be relieved that you have taken charge of the future of your family.

I'm sorry you're having these difficulties with your inlaws. I think it takes two. Have you explored why you're reacting in such a passive way so that you're "forced" to have a wedding reception? So what you're being met with "resistance" -you work full time in a career -right? Isn't "resistance" a part of life? Have you looked into ways for you to resolve conflict in a healthy way that doesn't lead to you feeling resentful or like a martyr?

 

Of course you've benefited your family at your own expense. Your wife's family is also your family -and especially if you two have children they will be the grandparents.

I also would reevaluate your financial situation -are there ways for you to budget differently so that you feel less stress about finances?

thanks for your reply.

Yes, I was probably too passive. Again, all of this was shortly after the death of my father-in-law, amongst other tragedies that my mother-in-law had faced that year. My wife really wanted it as well, probably to make for a happy event above all the recent tragedies, so I was being sympathetic. I should have been more firm with what I wanted. After the wedding I have been very firm with our move inter-state. I told my mother-in-law that I wanted to be closer to my family for a change, especially since my parents are elderly. I have come to accept that as long as we stay close to my in-laws, that I will not have any support, especially since my wife is not used to standing up to her parents. At least with my family, I stand up to them, and can make compromises.

Regarding my finances - I already live very modestly and am living pay check to pay check. That was the whole reason of why I took a job inter-state in the first place, to make a lot more money and pay off my debt even faster. I still live as though I'm in university. The only thing that will improve my situation is making more money.

Hey!!

Firstly I think everything you have done for your wife is great, having said that it shouldn’t be listed. As a partner these things are expected from you, so you can’t really stress those points.

Secondly your wife’s mother is in the wrong, you should stand up for yourself and put your foot down. You can do this in a nice way.

You should have a honest conversation with your wife and tell her how you feel. If she doesn’t understand then I’m sorry but she’s selfish.

"especially since my wife is not used to standing up to her parents."

You knew this -you saw this firsthand -before you got engaged. Did you think things would change or improve? I agree that when you are calm have a conversation with your wife. You two come first to each other. My husband once or twice did not support me in front of his father and it really hurt (and I mostly loved/adored my inlaws who passed away a few years ago, I miss them).

It's very hard to make the adjustment from having your parents/sibs as family and then adjusting to a spouse and his/her family. But they are all your family and you have to keep that in mind (not that you have to like your family, LOL). Does your wife want a child? All the more reason to talk about this now -the dynamics and how things are going to work.

Thanks for sharing about your finances. Does your wife work?

Sorry this is happening. Hopefully your move to the new city/job will be good. Unfortunately the problem is not your in-laws, it's your wife. It would be best to pursue marriage counselling to gain perspective on dealing with extended families. Never use a victim or martyr approach. It never works.

Buck up and stop letting them push you around. No use playing the nice guy anymore. Move with your wife and smile and wave as you leave.

You complain that they are forcing you to do these things, but you are actually allowing these things to happen to you.

I agree the issue isn't the inlaws, it's between yourself and your wife.

Besides working out communication and negotiations on extended family , it sounds like you two need to get together as a team speaking about finances and goals/priorities for the future. You are in it together now.

Why didn't your family approve of her?

The chances of you having to not take a job because of illness and death in the family within the next few years are slim to none. And the chances of you throwing another wedding are slim to none as well. I think it's time to not let those two moments ruin the remainder of your relationship with your Mother in Law. Whether you had a car accident, or you yourself were in the hospital, it costs money. Things happen. And, these two circumstances most likely will never ever happen again. You need to just accept it happened, and let go the bad vibes. If you were dying in the hospital, how would you feel if your wife said she had to go work, and you died while she was out. Her dad died. And to get out of the sadness and grief, they celebrated life with your wedding. Why didn't you just ask them for money for guests if money was not there?

It's not an issue of your wife not standing up - it's you that needs to communicate and express that you can't because you can't afford it. It also takes a year or so to plan a large wedding, so you explain that in a year, you would have a reception after a year; so then what happened? Did you instantaneously have a party? Does your wife work, or are you carrying the burden of all the bills?

And if your wife is working, and when you have kids, since your parents are so elderly, are you okay with daycare bills? I mean, your MIL may want jump at the chance to watch them. Either way, do what is best for you and your wife. Don't base the decision on the two isolated incidences that will probably never happen again.

"especially since my wife is not used to standing up to her parents."

 

You knew this -you saw this firsthand -before you got engaged. Did you think things would change or improve? Does your wife work?

My wife assured me that engagement/marriage would encourage her mother to back off and leave us on our own... I guess I misinterpreted that as my wife backing me up when necessary. My wife plays the role of peace keeper. Instead of standing up to her family, she just goes ahead doing what she wants to do, which I guess works a lot of the time. Yes my wife works full time, which is very helpful with our current financial situation.

Why didn't your family approve of her?

-physical attributes. My parents thought that I could do better, but they are from a different generation and culture altogether so I basically said "you either accept her, or you lose your son".

The chances of you having to not take a job because of illness and death in the family within the next few years are slim to none. And the chances of you throwing another wedding are slim to none as well. I think it's time to not let those two moments ruin the remainder of your relationship with your Mother in Law. Whether you had a car accident, or you yourself were in the hospital, it costs money. Things happen. And, these two circumstances most likely will never ever happen again. You need to just accept it happened, and let go the bad vibes. If you were dying in the hospital, how would you feel if your wife said she had to go work, and you died while she was out. Her dad died. And to get out of the sadness and grief, they celebrated life with your wedding. Why didn't you just ask them for money for guests if money was not there?

 

It's not an issue of your wife not standing up - it's you that needs to communicate and express that you can't because you can't afford it. It also takes a year or so to plan a large wedding, so you explain that in a year, you would have a reception after a year; so then what happened? Did you instantaneously have a party? Does your wife work, or are you carrying the burden of all the bills?

 

And if your wife is working, and when you have kids, since your parents are so elderly, are you okay with daycare bills? I mean, your MIL may want jump at the chance to watch them. Either way, do what is best for you and your wife. Don't base the decision on the two isolated incidences that will probably never happen again.

We were able to plan and execute the wedding in 4 months. By We, I mean her mother in law. it was our wedding, but we had no say in which of my MIL friends we wanted at the wedding. My wife works, and she did cover most of the wedding cost, as 150 of the 160 guests were from here side. With that said though, it was still an expense that altered my financial plans.

I've given up on having a good relationship with MIL. she's too controlling, and inflexible. Just as we are packing to move, she said to my wife "why don't you just let him go ahead by himself first to see if it is actually better over there?". Not sure what everyone here thinks about that statement, but I feel really disrespected by that statement. I understand that my MIL is experiencing empty nest syndrome, as my parents went through that themselves, but she is tactless.

your not married to her mom, your married to her. I don't like my wife's mom and don't put up with her . She's a grumpy old negative . Don't give her special treatment, put her in her place.

My in-laws will visit. First 2 days are ok. Third day my mother-in-law will start acting up, I simply tell her I won't be putting up with her . "If your going to be a negative old woman then do it quietly, i do not want to hear about how back in your day you would have spent days cleaning and cooking before your in-laws visit. And yes kids scream and cry sometimes, get over it". She mopes around my house for a few more days then goes home. Until next time.

Honestly - the fault lies with you. You did not HAVE to marry her. In fact, it would have been best to say that its best to wait to fully grieve the father before going forward with something new. If she doesn't stand up to mom YOU have proven that you are the same way. It was thoughtful for to have given up the higher paying job, but i would have gone, with your future wife to join you later and if she couldn't stand up to her family and join you, you would have been able to find a better match.

It was very generous for you to have put your own needs aside by not taking the job -- but you have to stop blaming her family for everything -- every decision was yours to make.

My wife assured me that engagement/marriage would encourage her mother to back off and leave us on our own... I guess I misinterpreted that as my wife backing me up when necessary. My wife plays the role of peace keeper. Instead of standing up to her family, she just goes ahead doing what she wants to do, which I guess works a lot of the time. Yes my wife works full time, which is very helpful with our current financial situation.

 

 

-physical attributes. My parents thought that I could do better, but they are from a different generation and culture altogether so I basically said "you either accept her, or you lose your son".

 

 

 

We were able to plan and execute the wedding in 4 months. By We, I mean her mother in law. it was our wedding, but we had no say in which of my MIL friends we wanted at the wedding. My wife works, and she did cover most of the wedding cost, as 150 of the 160 guests were from here side. With that said though, it was still an expense that altered my financial plans.

 

I've given up on having a good relationship with MIL. she's too controlling, and inflexible. Just as we are packing to move, she said to my wife "why don't you just let him go ahead by himself first to see if it is actually better over there?". Not sure what everyone here thinks about that statement, but I feel really disrespected by that statement. I understand that my MIL is experiencing empty nest syndrome, as my parents went through that themselves, but she is tactless.

I think you have the same amount of backbone as your wife. You know, my ex left me ultimately because he couldn't take the drama anymore -- how his mom and siblings were a dramatic mess and he couldn't get rid of them, so got rid of me. That could happen to you -- you are her husband so she should do what you see as best for a change instead of what mom thinks, but ultimately, she may decide that its enough drama and the only way to end it is to leave you. My mother in law acted like she fell on the ice and hurt herself just to get my ex's attention again when he had decided that he had enough of her drama for a short time.

I think that you need to make the decision for you and your wife since your wife won't make any decisions unless they don't upset mother. And if she is not down with wanting to start a new life with you, then i don't know what to tell you.