jokes taken out of context

I'm 21F. I've been with my 23M partner for 8 months now. We're both in school, and we pretty much live together. Everything in our relationship happened organically without needing to have any discussions. We like to help each other with cleaning and cooking. We've had maybe three real disagreements during our time together. We never raise our voices, and we find a solution within a few minutes.

We like to tease and poke fun at each other. My mom heard him say something over the phone that I knew was not him being angry, but she perceived it as verbal abuse. And now I can't sleep because I love my mom and my partner, and I'm stuck in the middle.

My mom and I were talking about apartment hunting on the phone. She told me that it's important to do research. I agreed, and jabbed at my partner, saying "I hear you, but he's always wrapped up in his Hulu after school." Boyfriend replied, "f- off". My mom heard this and immediately jumped to abuse. I tried to explain that we've both had a long day, he wasn't in the mood to research apartments, and that we commonly jab at each other like that without any bad intentions. She told me that I was just making excuses for him like all abused women do.

And now I'm overanalyzing our teasing. It's over little things. Like, "babe, do you not know how to do laundry?" when someone leaves the clothes in the dryer. Or "f-off" in response to a little jab. We've been doing it the whole time we've been together, and sometimes we even laugh at ourselves.

I brought up the idea of maybe thinking twice about teasing depending on the context of the situation, and eliminating certain words from teasing. Sometimes it's cute and funny. Other times it makes me feel like I'm not doing things right. He agreed to thinking more carefully about context and word choice. He even sent an apology to my mom on facebook.

My mom's comments about him being verbally abusive are keeping me awake. I know that he's not going out of his way to be mean. Sometimes people put their foot in their mouth. I've been with guys who have purposefully said things to tear me down, and I don't get that feeling from my current partner.

Is teasing healthy in a relationship? If so, is it okay to set boundaries on it? And is my mom blowing this out of proportion?

Hi DIYQueen,

My 2 cents:

Is teasing healthy in a relationship?

Teasing in-of-itself is fine. I definitely enjoy it in my partners, and I do it myself. This includes swearing at each other, but without any true malice. It crosses the line into unhealthy when it is intended or taken as genuine criticism, or it is a passive-aggressive response for real issues, or it is used as a means to diminish/oppress the other person. Really, if teasing is balanced with open communication and genuine empathy for each other, as well as taking any complaints or issues seriously, then it can easily be part of a healthy relationship.

If so, is it okay to set boundaries on it?

Absolutely okay. As above, teasing is perfectly healthy and fine if it is mutually intended and recieved as light-hearted teasing. If it does make you feel uncomfortable or diminished, then its not okay. So you can set subjects that are off-limits (for example, body image), or certain words that you find offensive (swear words), or in certain circumstances (in the bedroom or around family, for example). In a healthy relationship, saying 'hey, I don't like it when you tease me about x' should be met with 'I'm so sorry, I really didn't want to make you feel bad. I'll knock it off.'

And is my mom blowing this out of proportion?

While it's endearing that your mom is watching out for you, ultimately she seems to be misinterpreting the situation. Perhaps she is projecting a little bit? Or she has some other issue with your partner? In any event, you partner has apologised and accepted that maybe you both need to tone it down. Seems like the matter should be settled.

Hope that helps!

T

Thanks T!

My mom and I both have had experience with abuse, so I understand why she's worried. She loved him before this. I don't want her to hate him now!

How do you "pretty much live together" where do you both actually live?. 8 mos is not a long time to date, kind of weird to be playing house so soon. Your bf sounds immature. Take your mother's advice with a grain of salt, but keep it in mind. What happened with the past bfs and how is this different?

We're both in school, and we pretty much live together. Boyfriend replied, "f- off". My mom heard this and immediately jumped to abuse. I've been with guys who have purposefully said things to tear me down, and I don't get that feeling from my current partner.

Your mom is overreacting. Remember, she's not apart of your relationship dynamic and should not be meddling with your affairs. You are an adult and can handle your own relationship.

At least now you both know what is and is not ok to say around her.

So where's the joke?

I'm half-joking, but, while I'm sure some on here might draw some arbitrary hard line when it comes to swearing your way regardless of the context, fact is, best case, you're telling bad jokes, and worst (and more likely), you're nagging rather than joking. Doesn't matter if, in your head, you're dressing it up with humor. Speaking for the average guy who will go through at least a half dozen women in their life who do this (and for the women who have to suffer the same), it gets annoying, and his "**** off" isn't him having a funny ha-ha moment. It's simply better alternative to not laying into you for the fact you can't let clothes in the dryer roll off your shoulders without needing to make a quip toward him about it.

But I do think you've got some decent instincts working for you, leading you to put an effort into thinking twice before throwing out any jabs.

The difference between pecking and teasing is we tease the ones we love about the things we actually love about them. I tease my fiancee plenty, but I don't pass her off as lazy in front of my mom or take a jab at her for underperforming with a chore.

And so as not to come off as too harsh, I do think you're ahead of the curve being introspective about this at just 21. It's a good opportunity to refine the way you communicate and/or, if you really do in your heart of hearts think you're just joking with him, your sense of humor. I have couples friends deep in their 30s where the lady makes such "jokes" in front of everyone and you can just see the dude doing the biggest internal eye-roll.

At face value, it seems your mom is missing the nuance. To me, it sounds like you've been able to independently identify the necessary recourse, which is to lay off the jabs. Now if he starts finding excuses to "playfully" tell you off, that would then obviously be its own glaring red flag. Best of luck.

Thank you for all the responses. I wrote him a letter about how I feel. The TL;DR version of the letter is that teasing is one thing, but it's important to respect lines and think about when something may or may not be appropriate. I also said that relationships don't come with instructions. People are going to make mistakes, but learning from those mistakes is the most important part.

What I'm struggling with is that my mom is seeing it as a very black and white situation. Either he treats me like a princess, or he's an abuser. She's not acknowledging that nobody is perfect. If he ever hit me or went out of his way to hurt me in any way, I would be long gone! He definitely crossed a line, and he admitted to it and apologized to both of us.

I hate that I'm feeling so stuck between my mom and my boyfriend. I love both of them.

Never put down your significant other to parents. Nope.

Its one thing if you are in an abusive relationship and you have made the decision to tell your parents so you will be held accountable to leaving (brought them up to speed). But now your folks think he's a bum. I wouldn't put up with anyone telling me to F_ off.

If anyone my sister was dating told her to F off and was comfortable doing it in front of me, I would be concerned about what he said behind closed doors.

He might not talk like that to you normally, and its a one off, but imagine what your mom thinks having heard this?

I would not "agree to not use certain words while teasing" -- i would a) don't badmouth about the person you are dating to your folks. There is a difference between badmouthing and stating facts (ie, X has been unemployed for a year and i really need advice). vs "all he does is watch hulu all day and i don't get any help" if its not true. Parents are always worried about their child 'pratically living with someone" making sure they are not taking advantage of someone, not getting taken advantage of, and also not feeling stuck b) if he DOES talk to you that way always, you might want to review the relationship.

Do you regularly word letters to your boyfriend like he's a child?

Sounds like your mom cares about you a lot, but is both over reacting and projecting. All you can do is sit down with her and be firm that you appreciate she cares, but in this case it's misplaced and misunderstood. No excuses being made other than you have a right to joke around with your bf as you wish, even if that would make drunken sailors blush and cover their ears.

Just be more aware that other people might not get it. Not because it's bad or wrong, but because they might be more sensitive, take things out of context, etc. With some people, you simply can't joke with them like that and you cannot joke around them like that either. Not just your mom. It seems like your only mistake here is that you tried to include mom in your joking around and it didn't go over well to say the least. So treat that as lesson learned, but don't allow this to snowball into big drama.

Ironically, my mother and I joke around pretty rough. We get it and it's a fun and games for us, but we keep it private almost intuitively. Like my mom knows I'm not alone in the room by my very clean language. Sometimes she'll be like, "well this is boring, call me when you are alone and can actually talk"....lol....

Thank you for all the responses. I wrote him a letter about how I feel. The TL;DR version of the letter is that teasing is one thing, but it's important to respect lines and think about when something may or may not be appropriate. I also said that relationships don't come with instructions. People are going to make mistakes, but learning from those mistakes is the most important part.

 

What I'm struggling with is that my mom is seeing it as a very black and white situation. Either he treats me like a princess, or he's an abuser. She's not acknowledging that nobody is perfect. If he ever hit me or went out of his way to hurt me in any way, I would be long gone! He definitely crossed a line, and he admitted to it and apologized to both of us.

 

I hate that I'm feeling so stuck between my mom and my boyfriend. I love both of them.

That's not really fair. You are seeing things in black and white yourself --- either princess (showered with gifts, put on a pedestal) or abused woman.

Yes, every parent wants their daughter to be treated with RESPECT -- have a man who extends his hand to help her up if she falls and legit hurts herself vs the guy that laughs and kicks dirt on her, to have a man that does not call her derogatory names nor swears at her. (obviously, he can swear - but swearing AT their daughter is another thing). I know my guy would have been MORTIFIED to every swear in front of my parents, let alone swear AT me or cuss me out. I know that when my brother was close to your age, he would be mortified, too.

So - no long letters to your boyfriend --- either he is someone who was brought up to respect or not.

If he apologized about it -- leave it be --- but keep your eyes WAY OPEN. And remember -- mom doesn't see day to day - she only has this incident to go on - and if i was your mom, i'd be ticked off.

You aren't. Your mother has your back in the long run. This guy is just someone you've been dating 8 mos. and she saw a red flag. Other red flags are that you are playing house with him rather than focusing on your studies and having fun.

I'm feeling so stuck between my mom and my boyfriend.

You aren't. Your mother has your back in the long run. This guy is just someone you've been dating 8 mos. and she saw a red flag. Other red flags are that you are playing house with him rather than focusing on your studies and having fun.

I agree. Your mom is for life. And mom isn't being crazy or unreasonable here.

Yes, every parent wants their daughter to be treated with RESPECT -- have a man who extends his hand to help her up if she falls and legit hurts herself vs the guy that laughs and kicks dirt on her, to have a man that does not call her derogatory names nor swears at her. (obviously, he can swear - but swearing AT their daughter is another thing). I know my guy would have been MORTIFIED to every swear in front of my parents, let alone swear AT me or cuss me out. I know that when my brother was close to your age, he would be mortified, too.

OP admits this is actually a routine of hers, her passive aggressively chiding him. Personally, I don't necessarily agree with telling her to "**** off," but I wouldn't say it's any more respectful for someone to essentially make a concerted effort to ridicule their partner than it is to reflexively, even if including a curse word, rebuke such an effort.

That she'd write him such a letter despite him having evidently apologized probably speaks even further to a dynamic of condescension.

Okay. The letter hasn't been given to him. And I may not give it to him. It might just be a good exercise for me to put my thoughts on paper and keep it for myself. But this has been a learning experience for me, too. Our apartments are just a few blocks from each other. He doesn't have roommates, so we typically spend more time at his place.

Yes, he crossed a line. And so have I. What I want to do is replace bad habits with good ones.

Okay. The letter hasn't been given to him. And I may not give it to him. It might just be a good exercise for me to put my thoughts on paper and keep it for myself. But this has been a learning experience for me, too. Our apartments are just a few blocks from each other. He doesn't have roommates, so we typically spend more time at his place.

 

Yes, he crossed a line. And so have I. What I want to do is replace bad habits with good ones.

You shouldn't have to teach him manners. He should have them already. Plenty of guys do.

I think what you need to do is make sure that you are spending more time at your place (alone, without him, or with your roommates or other friends), going out with female friends, and not spending so much time playing house at his house. He can come over sometimes, of course, but then go home and not spend the night.

Yes, he crossed a line. And so have I. What I want to do is replace bad habits with good ones.

This is what I'd tell Mom, and I'd add that since I'm making this concerted effort to start acting older than 14, I'd appreciate her trusting my judgment and giving both me and BF the benefit of the doubt.

Beyond that, Mom's going to view BF through whatever lens she chooses, and you can't control that, so let it go.

I'd also reconsider spending all of your time with BF. That's how couples end up burnt out on one another and look back on the time they could have spent being more social in groups and building bonds with lots of people in school instead of friendless and dependent on one other person to be their 'everything'.

This is time you can never get back to live over again, so live it in a way that you won't regret later instead of falling into an old couple mentality so young.

Head high.

I'm 21F. I've been with my 23M partner for 8 months now. We're both in school, and we pretty much live together. Everything in our relationship happened organically without needing to have any discussions. We like to help each other with cleaning and cooking. We've had maybe three real disagreements during our time together. We never raise our voices, and we find a solution within a few minutes.

We like to tease and poke fun at each other. My mom heard him say something over the phone that I knew was not him being angry, but she perceived it as verbal abuse. And now I can't sleep because I love my mom and my partner, and I'm stuck in the middle.

 

My mom and I were talking about apartment hunting on the phone. She told me that it's important to do research. I agreed, and jabbed at my partner, saying "I hear you, but he's always wrapped up in his Hulu after school." Boyfriend replied, "f- off". My mom heard this and immediately jumped to abuse. I tried to explain that we've both had a long day, he wasn't in the mood to research apartments, and that we commonly jab at each other like that without any bad intentions. She told me that I was just making excuses for him like all abused women do.

 

And now I'm overanalyzing our teasing. It's over little things. Like, "babe, do you not know how to do laundry?" when someone leaves the clothes in the dryer. Or "f-off" in response to a little jab. We've been doing it the whole time we've been together, and sometimes we even laugh at ourselves.

 

I brought up the idea of maybe thinking twice about teasing depending on the context of the situation, and eliminating certain words from teasing. Sometimes it's cute and funny. Other times it makes me feel like I'm not doing things right. He agreed to thinking more carefully about context and word choice. He even sent an apology to my mom on facebook.

 

My mom's comments about him being verbally abusive are keeping me awake. I know that he's not going out of his way to be mean. Sometimes people put their foot in their mouth. I've been with guys who have purposefully said things to tear me down, and I don't get that feeling from my current partner.

 

Is teasing healthy in a relationship? If so, is it okay to set boundaries on it? And is my mom blowing this out of proportion?

I absolutely love joking around with my wife.

I would never tell her to F off. Not even in anger.

That is so disrespectful, I have no words for it. I agree with your mom.

One more thing, I am retired military so I really know how to cuss with the best of them. Especially in a fight. But I have never cussed a female.