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Thread: My boyfriend won't apologise for starting a silly fight

  1. #1
    25Kathryn
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    My boyfriend won't apologise for starting a silly fight

    A few days ago my bf came back home and started a massive argument with me. Why? Because I was tidying up the place!

    I would understand if he came home and a place was a total mess and I was home all day doing nothing but starting a fight and being nasty to me because I made our place tidy and nice for both of us to relax?

    Now he said he felt like I was cleaning after him as if he didn't do a good job enough when he tidied up but that was 4 days earlier! And he said is was clean. But since then we had friends staying over for the weekend and I only gave the kitchen a quick clean up and was hovering when he came home.

    Now he says it's my fault. That I started this argument and of course won't apologise for being a ***. I told him it was ridiculous and if he didn't like coming home to a clean place, I will not tidy up again (until he realises he was wrong) and
    I stopped tidying up, I am leaving my clothes and dirty plates all over the place. He's not arguing about that as he knows why I'm doing it and he knows I was right but he won't apologise. We haven't been talking since then :/

    I'm really sad, what can I do about it? He's so stubborn!

  2. #2
    Lester
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    Stop pretending cohabitation can fix incompatibility, substitute for real commitment or fix anyone.
    If you let it, the 'live together' lie will steal the best years of your life.

  3. #3
    25Kathryn
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    Thanks for the reply.
    Though I was actually hoping that someone can advise what I should do in this situation to solve this issue between us and not just to move out.

    Also, just wanted to add that it's not like he is a messy person and I like it to be clean. We both like when our place is clean and we both tidy up. It's just this one time he reacted like that and I don't know why and what to do about it. I don't think that I should leave the person because of one silly argument.

    So if anyone could share their thoughts on this particular issue, I would much appreciate it.

  4. #4
    Lester
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    "A few days ago my bf came back home and started a massive argument with me. Why? Because I was tidying up the place!"
    "Now he said he felt like I was cleaning after him as if he didn't do a good job enough when he tidied up but that was 4 days earlier!"
    "Now he says it's my fault. That I started this argument and of course won't [apologize] for being a ***."

    I'm sorry Kathryn, but I don't think the standard 'work on your communication skills, get into therapy' band-aids will fix him.
    He's sounds like an abuser.

    Was his Father an abuser?

    PS, I know you want it to work, but it never will if you have to force it.

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  6. #5
    25Kathryn
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    No, both his parents are lovely people and he did say that it was because he felt like I didn't think he tidy good enough and that I had to correct after him.
    And said that I should have just rest after a hard day at work and not tidy up. So on the one hand I can understand that he may have felt like I think he didn't do his job good enough.


    And should I really leave him after one argument like that? Nowadays people are too quick to leave as it's so easy to find someone else but I love him and don't want just to give up on him as soon as we have our first argument.

    I'm also trying to understand his point of view and why he may have reacted like that.

  7. #6
    LHGirl
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lester [Register to see the link]
    "A few days ago my bf came back home and started a massive argument with me. Why? Because I was tidying up the place!"
    "Now he said he felt like I was cleaning after him as if he didn't do a good job enough when he tidied up but that was 4 days earlier!"
    "Now he says it's my fault. That I started this argument and of course won't [apologize] for being a ***."

    I'm sorry Kathryn, but I don't think the standard 'work on your communication skills, get into therapy' band-aids will fix him.
    He's sounds like an abuser.

    Was his Father an abuser?

    PS, I know you want it to work, but it never will if you have to force it.
    How long have you been together? How long until you moved in together?

    This isn't some silly fight. This one is about power and control.

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  9. #7
    j.man
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    At face value, it would seem absurd for someone to get upset over their partner tidying up, but I'm wondering if that's not the exact yourself you are isolating the matter like this.

    How long have you two been together? Whose idea was it to move in? Do you have kids? Are you working? Are the finances equal? Whose house / apartment was it originally? And what exactly does a "massive argument" entail?

    Either there's a whole lot more driving him to be resentful and blow up over something so menial or, as Lester suggests, the guy's simply abusive. Personally, I'd be more inclined toward the former as he could be stewing for any number of reasons. If you could answer some of my questions above, that'd help actually interpret the situation.

    But this is what I don't quite get:

    I stopped tidying up, I am leaving my clothes and dirty plates all over the place.
    How does him [in his eyes] not wanting you to clean up after him lead to you not even picking up after yourself?

  10. #8
    25Kathryn
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    We've been together almost 4 years and we've been living together almost 2.

  11. #9
    nutbrownhare
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    Why? Because I was tidying up the place!
    If someone's starting a massive fight about you tidying up the place, it's really about something deeper within your relationship. Finding out what that might be could be the starting point for growth.

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  13. #10
    25Kathryn
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    Quote Originally Posted by j.man [Register to see the link]
    At face value, it would seem absurd for someone to get upset over their partner tidying up, but I'm wondering if that's not the exact yourself you are isolating the matter like this.

    How long have you two been together? Whose idea was it to move in? Do you have kids? Are you working? Are the finances equal? Whose house / apartment was it originally? And what exactly does a "massive argument" entail?

    Either there's a whole lot more driving him to be resentful and blow up over something so menial or, as Lester suggests, the guy's simply abusive. Personally, I'd be more inclined toward the former as he could be stewing for any number of reasons. If you could answer some of my questions above, that'd help actually interpret the situation.

    But this is what I don't quite get:



    How does him [in his eyes] not wanting you to clean up after him lead to you not even picking up after yourself?
    1. We've been together almost 4 years and living together almost 2.
    2. The first year of living together was great and then things started to change.
    3. He has 3 kids from his first marriage. Teenagers. 2 boys and 1 girl. Things were OK until his daughter entered a teen age and became mean - to everyone, not only to me. They don't live with us, they live with their mom.
    4. We both are working and sharing bills equally.
    5. We moved in here after we found the place together.
    6. I guess there may be some things that as you said, make him resentful but not sure what because I do find it really strange that he started a fight because I was tidying up. So if there are other reasons behind it, what can I do to find out or fix the situation? Should I really just gave up on this relationship and leave without even trying?
    7. I told him that if he's not happy to come home to a clean place, he would probably like it more to come back to a dirty one to see that it could look like if I didn't tidy up. And he is not telling me off for making all that mess because, as I see it, he knows I am right just doesn't want to admit it so keeps his mouth shout.

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