Was I justified to be annoyed?

I am nearly 8 years married, mostly happy and have no reason to question or doubt my relationship.

Over the weekend, I found a text message from my husband's female work colleague reading "Babe, call me urgently". This was amongst other previous texts referencing "Honey" and xx.

I honestly don't believe there is anything untoward going on. I tried to let it go but couldn't quite shake my feelings so on Monday after the weekend, I raised it with my husband to say that I was annoyed by the text and that I didn't like any other female calling my husband such affectionate names.

My husband has turned it on me saying I shouldn't be "looking for reasons to be upset" and that I "wrecked his weekend" due to my mood.

He added that he doubted any one else would have an issue / be annoyed by this situation. So my question is.. Have I over-reacted?? Am I justified to be annoyed by such text messages? Would you be ok if your partner was receiving such texts from a work colleague of the opposite sex. And yes, she is single.

I am nearly 8 years married, mostly happy and have no reason to question or doubt my relationship.

 

Over the weekend, I found a text message from my husband's female work colleague reading "Babe, call me urgently". This was amongst other previous texts referencing "Honey" and xx.

 

I honestly don't believe there is anything untoward going on. I tried to let it go but couldn't quite shake my feelings so on Monday after the weekend, I raised it with my husband to say that I was annoyed by the text and that I didn't like any other female calling my husband such affectionate names.

My husband has turned it on me saying I shouldn't be "looking for reasons to be upset" and that I "wrecked his weekend" due to my mood.

He added that he doubted any one else would have an issue / be annoyed by this situation. So my question is.. Have I over-reacted?? Am I justified to be annoyed by such text messages? Would you be ok if your partner was receiving such texts from a work colleague of the opposite sex. And yes, she is single.

Hi - I have been married 8 years too and although I am traditional when it comes to marriage - both husband and I have tons of opposite sex friends all our life. So I never question the friendships. I do however frown upon certain types of interaction. Getting too touchy feely, pet names, words that are specifically used for S/O like the ones that this coworker of your husband is using. Babe is a big deal. I call my husband that, sometimes Honey too. I know the state I lived in for a bit - honey is a common term people use but I think its a whole another thing being used over text messages.

Not to cause you trouble or worry. I had caught some interesting text messages like this on my husband's phone in December. Threw a fit - yes lost trust in him a bit and now in June it came out full blown he was emotionally cheating on me, tons of lies he fed the other person about us etc.

I will suggest letting this one go but keep your eyes and ears open. I wouldn't suggest snooping around. I only checked his phone twice in my life in december and june. But I am now off the stance, what will happen is going to happen. If this is who he is, then I will learn and deal. Me controlling him or snooping around isn't going to fix the issue. You give people benefit of the doubt but if they carry on with bad behavior then you put your foot down.

hi,

i think you were right to be annoyed. i also think it was very predictable of your husband to turn it round onto you.

keep a very close eye.

good luck.

Married 6 years with kids here, and if I found that, I would have asked him why she thought it was cool for her call him pet names. And that it's inappropriate. And if he said to me, why are you snooping, I would have just hid his phone. You two are married - and should not be calling people of the opposite sex babe. I would just ask him why he's trying to change the subject, and if it was okay if you got texts from other men that called you babe? Don't let him deviate, and put your foot down.

What he should have said was, "I'll let her know it upsets you and ask her not to call me that, etc."

Any one of 3 things could be going on.

1. She talks to everyone like this.

2. They are having an emotional affair.

3. They are having a physical affair.

Your feelings are valid and it's upsetting he dismissed them. Would he be okay with another man calling you babe and honey? Does he normally guard his phone like it's a million dollar diamond? Does he go into another room for phone conversations? Does he normally work overtime? Are they only communicating during work hours or do they communicate while not on the clock?

Keep your eyes open and if I were you, I'd have a discussion about relationship boundaries.

No, you didn't over react. Compared to what I would've done, you barely even reacted at all. Don't let him turn this into a "you snooped" argument. His relationship with this coworker is completely inappropriate. Honestly, I probably would've texted her back myself and set her straight, then dealt with cheating husband.

.....Another woman is calling your husband "honey" and "babe" and you don't think there is anything going on between them? On top of that his reaction is defensive/aggressive in terms of turning it around on you and telling you that you are the crazy one here and that's not a further clue to you that there IS something inappropriate happening????

You should be more than annoyed, you should be actively investigating wth your husband is actually up to instead of conveniently turning a blind eye to this. I disagree that you should be confronting the other woman - she already knows he is married and doesn't give a fck. You need to find out for yourself the extent of what is going on and then you'll have some decisions to make for yourself. Better that you do this and be the decision maker for yourself than him suddenly leave you and you feel blindsided and destroyed.... or worse, find out he gave you some STD.

He is wrong and you were totally right to be upset.

A classic cheater move is to turn it back on the person asking the probing questions to get you back on your heels and doubt yourself. Something is up.

Time to check your phone bill online and see how many times a day and what time of day they are exchanging texts and phone calls. Especially if he contacted her right after you brought all this up.

Keep silent but check the phone records and if nothing unusual shows up keep your eyes and ears open. Look for classic signs too. Takes his phone everywhere he goes, works late, has to go help a friend out, started working out, dressing nicer, changes attitude about certain things and showers right when he gets home.

If it was truly nothing he would not have reacted like he did.

Lost

Start calling him "Honey" and "Babe". Ask him to call you urgently. xx

That bit about you "wrecking his weekend" with your mood is a fine way for him to avoid accountability on this. He sounds peevish and ashamed, which he should be. But he should also be accountable.

"She talks to everyone like this" is not an excuse.

Coworkers texting personal phones is over the line.

I hope you get good resolution on this; it's definitely about boundary setting and enforcement, and shouldn't be that hard for your husband or any coworker to understand.

Case in point. So, my hubby has this coworker who is the admin assistant at his office. She was out one day, and was texting him around 9:30 on a Friday night to catch up on what happened for the day, and I'm sure was totally harmless. She does not report directly to him, and I asked how old she was, cuz if she was young, that's okay, they don't always know better with the dynamics of a married couple. but the women is in her early 30's. And I was like, "Um, hell no, she can't be texted you on a Friday night - she's in her 30's and should know better. She is trifling."

And you know what, no more texts at night. Emails to discuss work issues, during the workday, cool. Sure, that woman may call everyone "babe" or "honey", but it's up to your husband to enforce boundaries.

His reaction and blame shifting is more telling that something bad is going on than any "babe" or "honey". I really hope that you roll up your sleeves and start quietly investigating this and I do mean quietly. Don't let either one get wind of your suspicions or they'll just go underground and hide it better from you.

But seriously....I spent many years in the South where "Hun" and "Suuugaaa" and "Sweetie" flies out of everyone's mouth and still....there are boundaries. You don't text anyone's husband with "babe call me". That's relationship talk.