Close to break-up after a year over an issue that to me feels small, really want to make it work...

My girlfriend and I are very close to breaking up.

This is the first relationship I've had in years that I felt like, from the beginning, could be really something and really worth going for. We have now been dating about a year.

One of the persistent fights we keep having over and over again, which is leading us down this really bad path, is about a couple I am friends with. They recently got engaged, so that's not going anywhere. The guy, we'll say Paul, is a close friend of mine (not best friend but say top 10, we've been friends since high school, i know his family well, we've taken a lot of trips, etc etc). His fiance is let's say Sarah. Sarah is someone I've also known from growing up, although we've never been close friends at all. Sarah and I 'hooked up' and had a very short fling, several years ago, which was not significant to me, I imagine to either of us. We stayed amicable after and saw each other occasionally if we ran into each other at social events. Paul started dating Sarah shortly after. They have been dating for years and are now engaged. It was a little awkward at first for Paul, less so to me because it was so short and not significant, and I'm not sure for Sarah. Time passed, Paul and I settle back into our friendship, and maybe its even grown since then. They are a very 'couple-y' pair, hosting dinner parties, always doing dinner double dates and couples trips, etc. Over the last couple years i've done a lot with them, about the same as I would with Paul if he were single. When I was single we did group things or trips or whatever, and in my estimation, all of us were totally cool with everything, anything was in the past, and no one had really 'broken any rules' or done anything so wrong anyway.

So I start dating my current girlfriend, call her Anna. Anna has a ton of great qualities, she is sharp, she is witty, she is strong, different, and very beautiful. This is one of if not my longest relationship ever, and I really want it to work out. I have been really working on improving myself and being more of a 'relationship' man. Putting hard work into it. Introducing her to and trying to make her feel welcome with my family, friends, etc and planning us awesome trips, and all sorts of other things. I know I'm not perfect but I am doing the best I have and working on areas where I could be better.

Anyway, after a few months of dating, I told Anna that Sarah and I had had this tiny fling a few years ago, I figured it best to just be honest and didn't think it would be a problem. She was frustrated i hadn't told her earlier, i did apologize for that, but also said 'well what do I do, on our third date say by the way we hang with Paul sometimes and his girlfriend Sarah x happened a few years ago'...so I could've done it a little earlier since we had done some things with them, and I admitted that, but again I didn't think it was huge deal.

Fast forward to several months later, now, and its the biggest deal. We are in the middle of an awful fight in which I have become so exhausted with fighting that I suggested we see a couples therapist or counselor or something and also said maybe we should take a break. Not because I want to, but because we are fighting constantly and headed to a break-up if something doesn't change. Here is some info on this issue:

- I truly feel that this past thing is of extremely little significance. Other than us fighting because Anna is upset about it, I don't think about it ever nor would I. There is 0 chance there were any lingering feelings or interest now, and I don't even think that is what Anna is upset about. I have tried to make this clear to her, including using about these exact words

- Paul invited us on numerous numerous things and we always said no because I didn't want to have the fight with Anna (or tried and got nowhere). This was group trips, double dates, etc etc etc. I have tried to see Paul without Sarah or Anna as a workaround, but its hard and he also wants us to do things together because I think its important to him to include Anna, which makes it even harder. In the last 4 months, we have seen them twice. Once at a friends birthday party which they were at, and once at an event we knew they would be at but still went to / hung with them some. We fought like crazy leading up to the event we knew they'd be at, and we fought after the event where they happened ot be there. All other times we have declined.

- Anna and I recently had a (discussion, argument?) where I feel like we made a breakthrough which is that she feels like I don't tell her how I feel enough or strongly enough. This was a surprise to me, but I am working on it and since then have tried to be mroe communicative. We have a different standard of how much we need to hear etc and that is OK but I'm working on it. I felt like maybe finally we had a breakthrough and that this was what it was more about, and with new assurance of how I feel she would care less about this

- Since then, no improvement, I had dinner with Paul last night, and brought him a gift to celebrate the engagement, partly because I hadn't seem them but one time in the last 2-3 months despite numerous invitations, including an invite to Anna nad I to their engagement cocktail thing, and me making up excuses or not responding because it was causing so many fights with Anna. So this was a bit of a guilt gift also, and the only way I could show him that I still valued our friendship. He brought Sarah, without telling me, we actually hadn't discussed it, which was OK with me even if not my plan. After, I told Anna she was there and how it went down, and she reacted with a silent treatment and then cancelling our plans the next night - forcing me to ask her waht was wrong, and then we got in a big fight. she was upset about it which is why she cancelled our plans.

- Anna also had a boyfriend in the past who unfortunately cheated on her numerous times including with mutual friends. Its hard to overestimate how bad it was. I think she may have some unresolved issues with this and that it is possibly coloring how she sees this issues. she rarely talks about it. She says that it just 'makes her not want to waste time on someone who's not worth it' etc as if the only effect really is that she's savvier because of it.

- Anna says that she knows of no girl who has to deal with this issue, and that its totally ridiculous to her that 'she has to deal with it'. When we have logical talks about it, she agrees that its not reasonable to ask me to never see him and that he's an important friend of mine so its not 'really my fault' and we come to some compromise, i explain how many sacrficies i am making and things I'm missing because of it, but then it breaks down and she gets very upset whenever it comes up again, and she repeats 'she shouldn't have to deal with it' or 'shouldn't have to hear about it' or 'wishes she didn't have to hear or talk about it' and that 'it is ridiculous' etc....I've tried a number of responses from the understanding 'We will cut it down and only see them x and x and i'll just see paul on my own when i can even if our friendship suffers' to the more frustrated 'this is such a non-issue for everyone else, why can't you just not get mad about it' etc...None of them help or get us anywhere but back in the same loop the next time.

I get that its me telling this story, I've tried to tell all parts of it, but of course its hard, i'm not sure how she would write it out, but this is my best shot at telling it objectively ish.

Am I unreasonable? Is she unreasonable? Or what could I or she do differently to work on this?

Does anyone else now or in the past have a similar experience?

Or just how would you feel if you were me / here?

Honestly....to say that your gf is being unreasonable is putting it very politely and mildly. Girl is out of line, off her rocker and unfortunately it's not something you can fix. It's up to her to fix herself and to deal with her past issues. Instead, she is punishing you for them. You are literally her punching bag and she is determined that she is right to do this to you. I'll also say that if it's not Sarah, it will be someone else. Her insecurities will fixate on whatever else - how you looked at some passing woman, how often you talk to a female co-worker, etc. Unfortunately, your gf has a serious attitude problem and right now she is taking it out on your friends and she is being ridiculous about it.

Anyway, if she refuses counseling and this has gotten to the point where you are wanting to end things, then consider that that would be right course of action for you. When a woman comes into your life and tries to destroy such decent long standing friendships, she is not the right woman after all. Not even close. Sorry but it's time to show her the door. You have great, fun friends and you need to find a girl who will embrace that.

@dancingfool thanks for taking the time to read and check this out and reply. I would say she is a great girl in so many ways and she's not, in general, 'off her rocker'. (also, this is my side of the story, i'm not sure exactly what hers would be). That being said, I worry that she isn't ready to commit to our relationship (or maybe any healthy, deep one) and treat me like a partner in it.

There might be a tendency to read this and think i'm being a pushover, or should stand up, etc but I really want to approach this from a working together angle. Granted, if she is treating like an adversary, I can't do that. And for me personally, I'm certainly not known for being a pushover, if anything if there is criticism it is that I am too headstrong; I'm a successful business owner, negotiations and conflict are not strangers to me, etc. But here I'm trying to have a deep and authentic relationship based on mutual support etc and I don't want it to degrade into manipulation / control / confrontation /negotiation so much...I would prefer it to be understanding, working to grow, affection and support, self-reflection, etc...

Maybe that puts me at risk here for this being the one arena where I am being too lenient, I don't know, but if it takes me 'asserting myself' etc constantly, then I guess I don't want to be in that relationship anyway.

Your point on her insecurities is probably a good one though; there are other issues, and the hard thing is she would never admit to me 'yes we're having these problems because of my insecurities' even if she knew that, because she is so stubborn and defensive and doesn't want to look weak. I fear maybe though that you're right, if we fix this, its just the next thing that sets us off..

Thing is that this isn't about you, or being assertive or lenient. This isn't about what other good qualities she has either. The problem is that this kind of severe insecurity destroys relationships and if she were willing to get help, that would be different. However, you say that she is not. So from that perspective, there is not much you can do about it. You are fighting a losing battle and appeasing her by quitting your friendships is going to leave you feeling alone and miserable in the end.

The comment about her being off her rocker about this, what I meant is that her reaction to Sarah is unhealthy and abnormal. I could understand if Sarah was single, you were hanging out with Sarah one on one, doing date like things and otherwise being inappropriate with her to the point where your behavior would be questioned by even the most open minded people. However, that's not the case. Your brief fling is history, she is engaged, everyone is good with each other and has left the past in the past. I mean the people who are actually affected have long left it behind them - you, Sarah and Paul. You have all demonstrated adult maturity about it. Now so many years later, enter Ana and she is flipping out at you about it? That is what makes her off her rocker. You and your friends sound like exceedingly decent and reasonable, rational, normal people. Anna is the odd one out.

Personally, I really do believe we pick our friends according to ourselves. Our friends tend to be to an extent a reflection of us. So when you have an SO that doesn't get along with your friends, that's a giant red flag that maybe you are not as compatible as you may think despite whatever attraction you feel and whatever other great qualities your SO has.

Also, I hear your desire for equality, being able to reason and talk your way through conflict and disagreements. The problem is that when the other person is refusing to be reasonable or can't for whatever reason, there is not much that you can do about that. It takes two to be willing to be rational and reasonable.

nobody wants a girlfriend who moans about stuff, and that's what you've got. i would get rid and move on. she will make your life a misery.

good luck.

Regardless of whether she's "off her rocker" or not, she feels how she feels, and I don't think that's going to change. I don't think porn's a big deal but a lot of women do, and I think trying to convert them is a fool's errand, and I think you trying to convert your GF on Sarah is a fool's errand. Some people have a VERY hard line stance on exes, and as much as you try to minimize it, Sarah is an ex. You're going to have to make a tough choice I think one way or the other. I don't think this is going to go away on it's own.

So does anyone out there agree in any degree with my girlfriend, that it's unreasonable to expect her to say, occasionally (maybe every other month) do things with groups with them, or even what I would prefer, once in a while something with the 4 of us or a group trip?

Has anyone else been in a similar situation (having to spend time with an ex-fling of their SO, at a work thing, because of social obligations, etc) and got along amicably and not made a big deal of it?

I agree with Unreasonable.

Anna feels the way she feels, and it sounds like you are doing everything in your power to convince her of the way you feel: that Sarah is not a threat, that it was in the past, that she should just get over it, etc. What you're not doing, is validating Anna's feelings. You're not looking at Anna and saying anything to help her realize that you hear her, that you understand her, that you want her to be as comfortable as possible. What you're not doing is letting Anna just speak, and listen to her, and let her speak some more.

It doesn't matter what Anna's reasons are. I don't care if 10 guys have cheated on her. What's relevant here is that she feels the way she feels. I suspect that every time you try to convince her of your feelings, she feels that you are minimizing her feelings. Which probably makes her more upset: Not only did he sleep with Sarah, but he doesn't even care how I feel about it.

Try this: Ask Anna to explain, in detail, her feelings to you, and just.......listen to her, and try to view things from her perspective. Don't say that you wouldn't feel that way, that it wouldn't matter to you if she slept with her friend's fiance, or that her fiancé is your best friend.....just listen, and try to validate what she's feeling.

Oprah talked about validation in her last episode. You can google her clip on validation. Human beings need our feelings to be validated.

So often, we hear what the other person says, and we jump in with all the reasons they shouldn't feel that way. This is not what Anna wants from you.

Anna wants you to hear her, and listen, and say that you totally get why she feels that way. And listen some more. And then, maybe give it some time, and ask Anna how she thinks you could still keep your friendship with the guy. She wants an extreme comfort level that Sarah (yes, your ex here, even though it wasn't a relationship) is not a threat. This may simply take more time.

@LHGirl you make some good points, even if its a little different than what @unreasonable said. I will look up that Oprah episode now. I know I have an issue which is that I don't need as much validation / being heard and am more results focused and my emotions tend to be more guarded, so I sometimes don't realize what other people (maybe especially women) expect. I think the validation is part of the issue. That being said, we've had this talk so man times, and if I'm not dealing with it in the best / most productive way, there is little doubt to me that she is doing worse than me by basically being confrontational or passive aggressive to me as a response to her emotions, whereas at least I'm trying to work on it on my end and together. That being said, I want to fix this, not just to assign blame, so taking your words to heart.

One problem I have is, if Anna say is being effected by past stuff, and won't accept that, or if we do talk it out and I really do listen and hear her and even sympathize with her perspective, what do we do when we've done that multiple times and she is still responding the same way (with anger, confrontation, etc)? And if she is really convinced, despite me listening to the right extent etc, that the situation is completely unreasonable - where do we go from there?

Because I feel like we are there. I have listened and she's even asked me to 'give her credit' for the one time she was amicable (although we fought intensely after). And I have at time acknowledged that its difficult for her. And she certainly hasn't acknowledged the sacrifices I'm making more than I have acknowledged her (ie in my degrading friendship, etc).

I guess it stands for me to give a real deep listening without rebuttal etc again and see if we can make progress and perhaps I will try that. But I'm worried that perhaps I've already done that and we are still where we are or will still be stuck.

She isn't going to change man. Not any time soon. It's depressing, but you can't change other people.

As long as Sarah's continually in the picture, there's gonna be problems. I can't guarantee that taking Sarah out the equation is going to fix anything, but I can guarantee that as long as she's continually part of the equation this is going to remain a sticking point in your relationship. You've tried persuasion, you've tried compromise, yet every time Sarah comes up, you fight. No amount of talking is going to fix this.

If you want to stay with this woman, you need to figure out if you can cut Paul and Sarah out and live with it. And by live with it, I mean be content, find some new friends you've never had sex with, and not be resentful about it.

If you can't (and it doesn't sound like you can), break up with Anna. Don't threaten her or give her any ultimatums (because even if she begs you to stay you cannot predict how that will affect her long-term), just break up with her.

Or, if you think you can, maybe you give it a shot, and tell Paul and Sarah the situation and that you're going to need to take a break from them for a while. Given that they have experienced awkwardness on this very same topic before, if they are true friends, they should give you some space and not take it personally. If, after that, Anna just latches on to something else to freak out about, well, then you know it's hopeless.

Quick anecdote: Years ago, my wife happened to be visiting her home town and wanted to catch up with one of her ex boyfriends that just got married. Talks started about meeting up, her exes wife freaks, and it got cancelled. Years and several children later she visits again, they met up and the wife was fine with it. Maybe she matured. Maybe she felt more confident in her marriage, who knows. I don't want to give the impression that people can't change, they can and will naturally over time, but not in a couple months, and only when they want to.

Listen, a lot of women would not be in the same county as someone their boyfriend previously slept with. It's just how women are. Most guys, I've found, could not care less. The past is the past. But women know how other women are: women can be sneaky, and Anna is probably subconsciously concerned that Sarah could at some point, come on to you. Let's say Sarah and her fiancé have problems. If you are super close to them as a couple, you might be the very first person Sarah seeks for support. Which, in Anna's mind, could lead Sarah down the path of coming on to you for physical support (a "meaningless" hug, which escalates to a kiss, and so on). Now, of course you're thinking, duh, if Anna would just trust me, she'd realize I'd push Sarah away at that point. Here's the thing: I bet Anna trusts you implicitly. It's Sarah she doesn't trust.

Anna's prior trust issues probably do come into play here, but this is who Anna is. When you met her, she was this wonderful girl full of all these great qualities and yes, some trust issues that pre-dated you. For you to try and understand where she's coming from, and understand that she just doesn't want to have to think about Sarah, wonder if/when/where Sarah would seek you for support, then Anna could relax into an amazing relationship with you. Right now, she feels you're being combative (I know you're not, but this is what she thinks) with all your logic, reasoning, and practically begging her to do stuff with them as a couple.

Try to look at things from Anna's point of view, the way Anna sees them. Not the way you think she sees things, but the way she really does. Which will take listening on your part.

And for a while, hang out with Sarah's fiance, and do stuff with him, but leave the couple-y stuff out of it. I'd be surprised if Anna didn't start coming around more, and eventually, she & Sarah could even be friends.

My BF has an ex-wife that is the mother of his (adult) kids. He and his ex have a friendly relationship, and people often ask if I'm comfortable around her, as we are often all in the same party, etc. I'm a much older woman than you & Anna, I suspect (I'm mid-50's), and I can tell you, if I was 20 years younger, there's not a chance in h*ll I'd be caught dead in the same room as her. But time and experience and life have made me realize that I truly trust him, and that she only has the kids' interest at heart, plus she's happily married. So I happily go along with everything, and she & I have actually become friendly. My BF was just on a trip to his hometown, and she was coincidentally there too, so they all went out as a group, which I encouraged. But I assure you, 20 years ago, I'd have cried, kicked, and screamed over it. Turns out, she was asking about me, as she was kind of hoping I'd be there, as we get along really well! My point in my story is.....have hope for Anna. Sounds like she's worth it.

Given that the fling was in the past, Paul and Sarah are engaged and Sarah has been completely 'off the market' for years, my guess is that Anna's extreme antipathy is really about something else - but Sarah's become a scapegoat in Anna's mind for all the insecurity, anger and grief which she's still carrying from the past. Perhaps that will come to light if you really give her space to talk, and you just listen. Certainly this would be better done in a counselling session, i.e. where there's a 'referee', and any conflict can be analysed and dealt with.

Don't let go of your friendship with Paul, whatever you do. For a start, you haven't had a fling with him (unless there's something you're not telling us), and it's grossly unfair that he should be punished for something which is nothing to do with him. Tell Anna that the friendship is non-negotiable.

Meanwhile, make it very clear to Anna that you really want your relationship to last, that she has all these wonderful qualities, and it's breaking you up that you're having these issues. It's also very unlikely that they'd go away if you stopped seeing Paul and Sarah. Suggest counselling. If she refuses to engage with this or any other way of resolving the situation, look very carefully at the whole relationship.

It's easy to have a good relationship when everything's going well and you're getting on fine. But what will determine in the long term isn't how well you get get on when there are no pressures or challenges, but how you resolve conflict and whether BOTH of you are prepared to work towards a win-win solution, with respect on both sides. If that isn't going to happen - sorry, but no matter how wonderful, intelligent and gorgeous Anna is, she just isn't healthy relationship material.

Hey SomeGuy17! Give us an update if anything changes.

@nutbrownhare thanks and you make a lot of good points.

Here is where we are at. We had our second really big talk where we actually addressed some stuff (second not counting our other fights and arguments which I feel haven't really addressed issues or made progress), and we seemed to both compromise some. I explained that even though we are fighting about it all the time, really she is getting the result exactly on her end of the spectrum. ie we had only seen them twice in the months since I let Anna know about the history there, and they were both things that we happened to both be at. So we had made 0 plans with them and done 0 trips with them, even with a ton of invitations. Her response was 'well it's a constant problem for me still because I am stressed about it / having to hear about it when it's not 'my' problem, etc'...and my response was A. its our problem since we are in a relationship and a team and B. I am feeling that stress and dealing with it twice as much as she is because I am constantly getting requests to do stuff and plan things and am shielding her from even bringing up the majority of them. She finally in her own way accepted at least the premise of what I was saying. We decided to go on the trip, and I made several concessions for her and told her I appreciated it (taking my own car and driving separately even when we could've ridden together, etc). The trip went OK, we got through it, the most important thing to me was to show Paul I was there (and not cancelling last minute, never doing anything with them, etc). And we achieved that. I even had a good time some of it. Anna was in a sour mood a lot of it but a did a pretty good job of not letting everyone else see it at least, and probably genuinely enjoyed a few things). It is over, and now in my mind we have the space to work on some of the more real issues here.

Anna is at least starting to open her mind to some of the things I'm saying (ie it might be helpful to look at your insecurity issues etc maybe with a professional, and that I would like you to understand there are other issues that are more important to the relationship than just if we ever have to see Paul and Sarah again, etc). I am getting a little frustrated at what feels like at times me trying to be a partner on a team and work to a win-win solution or at least a compromise (as you mentioned @nutbrownhare), whereas I feel like she is doing more of 1. Getting upset, 2. blaming it on me, 3. taking it out on me (passive aggressive behavior, etc), 4. hoping I change to meet what she wants and even 5. comforting herself mainly by thinking she can leave the relationship if she needs to. I want us to be more 1. understand each others point of view and sympathize, 2. make compromises, 3. understand if our partner or ourselves are having feelings that don't necessarily match up with what we think rationally and allow ourselves this but also work to improve it, 4. be committed and be a team and solve things together.

One barrier right now that is blocking us is Anna keeps saying 'I really do just think its unreasonable what you're asking of me and people shouldn't ask this of their girlfriend if they care about them' ... this has watered down some into 'I don't know if I can act like a team if you are putting me through something that makes me this upset'... I find that orientation selfish because it disregards that I am having my own struggle here as well. I worry that with her family and in other relationships she has been OK being independent and maybe taking a little bit of a self-centered or even sometimes 'bratty' or spoiled orientation, combined with 'my way or the highway'...I don't know if this gets better as we grow or if this is just a personality trait I have to deal with, which is concerning. Either way, one thing that is really making it hard for her is making the jump from feeling (I say feeling because when we talk about it piece by piece rationally, calmly, not in the moment and I say 'are you asking me to stop being friend with Paul? are you saying we can't do anything with them?' she says 'no of course not', but then later her feelings and her demands don't line up), but anyway she is having the trouble making the jump to understanding the bigger issue here because she is caught up on thinking 'It is totally unreasonable for anyone to expect their girlfriend to be OK with this' (this being seeing Paul and Sarah occasionally because of the fact that Sarah and I had this brief fling several years ago). I believe that she believes it is totally unreasonable. It doesn't help for me to give somewhat similar examples of our friends in similar situations. WHen I try to listen hard about what bothers her about it, she just says 'it is icky for us to be hanging out with someone you've hooked up with and its unreasonable'...literally the word icky. I think there is more to it than that but that's all I can get. Anyway, I would like her to get over this point because its making it hard for us to talk about deeper issues if she believes 'OK he just needs to realize how absurd this one thing is and I can't compromise on it then everything will be fine' whereas I know that even if I did say ok we never see them again, there will be other problems later because we didn't address the real issue.

I have a plan to help her get on board ot solve this as a team and see the bigger issues I'm seeing. The Paul/Sarah thing can wait. I've done enough showing them he is an important friend to me for now. I have told her we don't have to go on the next big group trip that we went on last year (even though I would like to, it isn't necessary, I have enough time to RSVP that we have a conflict, and we just did this trip, so its a compromise). I will tell Anna we don't have to see them for quite a while (I can see Paul on my own in the meantime, we will be OK). Then I am 1. showing her that she is a priority, 2. It is clear I am willing to compromise (so hopefully she can be as well), 3. I am removing the specter of another interaction with them. #3 is key because if she is still so stressed about it (as she just said she is the night after we got back from the trip), then I can say, look, there is clearly something else here because we don't even have to think about seeing them for a long time. So what is it?

I also have a theory that maybe she has some serious anxiety based on these insecurities (with our relationship and internally) and just other issues, and that she works really hard to not share this with me because she is afraid I'll judge her or think less of her for it. She says 'I'm really stressed' or just gets flustered / upset etc but has never told me she has anxiety, and I think I am starting to see some signs of someone with bad anxiety who is trying to cover it up. I'm not sure, but it's possible it goes hand in hand with other issues.

I have told Anna that, for the first time in my life, I am seeing a therapist because I have some stuff I need to work on (mostly emotional commitment issues) and that I"m not crazy, I'm just looking to improve myself and my relationships, and that how important this relationship is has opened my eyes to that. So through that context, I think it is easier to suggest she look into hers as well. I sent her a song lyric recently that I think sums up a lot of this "Dealing with a heart that I didn't break" - we are both doing that with each other. With the couple talks we've had and made some progress, I have strong hopes we can make some real progress and who knows it may even be a breakthrough for herself on a personal level whether this makes it or not, because I want her to feel the self-love that I feel for her and feel that she is good enough and better and I think addressing some of this stuff could be big. just as I'm making progress on my own stuff. I'm willing to give it some more time to try this, as long as I see her starting to put the effort into it as well.

You are not "wrong" for saying something, though telling her earlier would have been better so if she had a problem with it, the relationship was less invested. She is not "wrong" for feeling uncomfortable. Personally, i could almost not bear it if a woman i was getting to know and like slept with my guy. Being upfront is good most of the time, but i wonder in some cases if it is not better to NOT tell someone every detail. If your friends are discreet and don't blab -- and the fling with sarah was uncomfortable in your group and you resolved it, they are not likely to spill the beans, therefore, i wondered if it would be better to say that you and sarah briefly dated but then she met your friend -- if you said anything at all. sarah doesn't seem eager to rehash it.

Ugh, dude. She is never going to be comfortable with hanging out with your fling. It's just not going to happen. There is no rationalization or reasoning this out. "Compromise" (i.e. getting her do do what she hates in a less frequent interval than you'd like) is just going to make her resent you. She's VERY clearly communicating this, this is as clear as if she was telling me herself. WHY doesn't matter.

Very frustrated here. We are still teetering on breakup over this.

On the one hand I can come out and just say 'you are my priority, this really upsets you, we'll never see any of these people.'

I just don't know if it's the right thing to do. What if I feel like the right answer is for her to just get over her being upset. Whatever that takes. or bite the bullet when she is upset. Lord knows I do that plenty in life.

I honestly don't care as much about preserving my friendship with Peter as I do about this relationship - if this could be 'the one' then that is more important than most all friends' feelings, because I can probably preserve my friendship with Peter (even if to a slightly lesser degree) just by telling him and saying I will see you when I can but Anna doesn't want to be around Sarah, reasonable or not, sorry about it.

But then I'm thinking - am I just giving in to an unreasonable request? Does that matter? Does it set a tone for later? Do I want to be controlled in my life like that?

Wouldn't it be great to be with someone more easygoing that wouldn't make it a nightmare for us because they don't like the way they feel about something?

I have always felt very committed to the ideal of having a partner who I feel like is an equal and can stand up for themselves etc, but when that manifests itself like this - is that really a priority for me? What if they are standing up for something I think is unreasonable? I don't know.

Tough questions.

Very frustrated here. We are still teetering on breakup over this.

On the one hand I can come out and just say 'you are my priority, this really upsets you, we'll never see any of these people.'

I just don't know if it's the right thing to do. What if I feel like the right answer is for her to just get over her being upset. Whatever that takes. or bite the bullet when she is upset. Lord knows I do that plenty in life.

I honestly don't care as much about preserving my friendship with Peter as I do about this relationship - if this could be 'the one' then that is more important than most all friends' feelings, because I can probably preserve my friendship with Peter (even if to a slightly lesser degree) just by telling him and saying I will see you when I can but Anna doesn't want to be around Sarah, reasonable or not, sorry about it.

But then I'm thinking - am I just giving in to an unreasonable request? Does that matter? Does it set a tone for later? Do I want to be controlled in my life like that?

Wouldn't it be great to be with someone more easygoing that wouldn't make it a nightmare for us because they don't like the way they feel about something?

I have always felt very committed to the ideal of having a partner who I feel like is an equal and can stand up for themselves etc, but when that manifests itself like this - is that really a priority for me? What if they are standing up for something I think is unreasonable? I don't know.

Tough questions.

If you love this woman --- and the only problem is that you hang out with your ex fling and she has no problem with truly platonic work colleagues, friends of the family, etc, --- why not just decide that you are not going to do so? Meet peter one on one for a beer now and and again and still be friends with him but the "we can be friends as a couple with them" is not going to happen. I wouldn't want to be around a woman i knew my guy had slept with, quite frankly. When Peter and Anna have kids they are going to drift a little farther apart from you naturally. I would also ask her if you could tell Peter one on one what the situation is so he doesn't keep inviting you to weekends with he and Anna. It may be better than to keep blowing him off - and work on having a one on one friendship with Peter.

If you love this woman --- and the only problem is that you hang out with your ex fling and she has no problem with truly platonic work colleagues, friends of the family, etc, --- why not just decide that you are not going to do so? Meet peter one on one for a beer now and and again and still be friends with him but the "we can be friends as a couple with them" is not going to happen. I wouldn't want to be around a woman i knew my guy had slept with, quite frankly. When Peter and Anna have kids they are going to drift a little farther apart from you naturally. I would also ask her if you could tell Peter one on one what the situation is so he doesn't keep inviting you to weekends with he and Anna. It may be better than to keep blowing him off - and work on having a one on one friendship with Peter.

Sorry, I meant Peter and Sarah

Yeah @abitbroken I may do that. It's not the only problem we have but for her 'it is the biggest problem right now'...I'm still worried its indicative of other issues etc but just telling Paul frankly may be the play (I may have slipped up on alias names there ha). I think our friendship would survive so even if I don't know that it is 'right', it is a reasonable compromise and there isn't always one answer.

Yeah @abitbroken I may do that. It's not the only problem we have but for her 'it is the biggest problem right now'...I'm still worried its indicative of other issues etc but just telling Paul frankly may be the play (I may have slipped up on alias names there ha). I think our friendship would survive so even if I don't know that it is 'right', it is a reasonable compromise and there isn't always one answer.

There is the issue of having slept with Sarah and there is the issue of perceiving to put the friendship ahead of the relationship if you are requiring that she go on trips where Sarah will be. I think its a big ask to expect to go on couple trips with them, IMHO. You can't avoid both couples being guests at a wedding, etc, at the same time -- but that would be more of a normal thing to expect a girlfriend to tolerate.

what are the other issues --- even if she defines this as the "big one" -- what others are there? There are normal issues for couples - even the healthiest couples to have - the growing pains of setting boundaries with parents etc., the growing apart from friends when one couples up, etc... those are just par for the course.

If you feel that there are no other issues that tower over the relationship and you feel she is someone you want to marry -- its worth not choosing this to be your battle if she doesn't have any issue with any other appropriate friendship that you have.

BTW, if you go tell Peter, i would ask her permission first "i had an idea -- I know you don't like being around Anna, but Peter has been my friend forever. What would you think if instead of avoiding Peter and Anna that i tell him why we are declining their invites and just in the future go get a beer with peter and just the guys and not force you to do couple things with both of them? That way she won't feel you are going behind her back?

Is it reasonable for her to not want to hang around a girl you've slept with? Yes, totally reasonable. Don't make her do that. It is NOT controlling to not want to hang out with a girl you've slept with. In fact, it would be controlling of you to pressure her into interacting with this woman. This is starting to look like a power struggle, you seem awfully worried about control.

Is it reasonable for her to not want to hang around a girl you've slept with? Yes, totally reasonable. Don't make her do that. It is NOT controlling to not want to hang out with a girl you've slept with. In fact, it would be controlling of you to pressure her into interacting with this woman. This is starting to look like a power struggle, you seem awfully worried about control.

I didn't think about it in that light and you are right. It would be torture to me to be expected to go on a trip with someone my guy dated.

any updates OP?