Close to break-up after a year over an issue that to me feels small, really want to make it work...

[SomeGuy17]

We are still dating. I am trying to make efforts to keep Paul as a friend without seeing Sarah. I had a conversation with Paul about it around the time I was posting this stuff, and basically 70% told him, didn't want to say so much as to offend him, he basically gets it but still tries to push for us all the be friends, wants to include Anna, but I just keep it polite and decline. Maybe soon I have to have a conversation with him again to be more blunt that it will never change or not anytime soon. Also I did get Anna's permission before doing this. She didn't really care, I worry she doesn't care about my friends, but basically she didn't care as long as I never see Sarah nor does she ever again. Their wedding in this summer, I am going to his bachelor party, and the wedding I'm not sure, I'll have to deal with that as it comes up.

Anna and I have had some great times and are progressing but still have issues. Just like back then when I posted this, I do'nt like the way she handles conflict, and we don't communicate well enough, but I have been working on things. Remains to be seen where we end up.

[purplepaisley]

I also think Anna is being a bit unreasonable. I can understand her feelings, and as others have mentioned, I would probably have a lot of a stronger reaction if I were in my early 20s, and here I am now with the issue that there are ex-wives, the mothers of the children of the men I date, and they're part of life. In looking at your situation, it seems just so benign. You slept together, but had no feelings for each other, just a fling. Even if Sarah had stronger feelings for you, she's well over it now and is getting married. The three of you worked out this past issue, and it would be nice if Anna could work through this. It would be different if there was flirting and touching, and if you and Sarah spent a lot of alone-time together...that would be a no and a no. Sarah and Anna don't have to be best pals, but I think she could certainly accommodate your spending time with Paul, and while you can minimize time that Sarah will be involved and plan things with Paul solo or with the guys, if you hang out at his house to watch the game or fix the fence, Sarah will be around and Anna to be okay with it. Maybe couple trips and double dating are too much, but it would be nice if you two could be able to attend parties that P&S throw or attend gatherings where P&S will be there is, and that Anna can enjoy it and be friendly with Sarah and have some sort of a friendship. Maybe after she gets to know Sarah a little better, some double dates can occur.

 

I remember my exhusband had maintained friendships with a couple GFs, and what made me the most mad was that he didn't warn me first, and I found out through the GF who made it a point to make sure I knew (I know, how mature), and yes, the drive home was not pleasant at all. But at the end of the day, and maybe it was that I was just more secure with the situation, or maybe it's because while these were long-time friends since HS, I didn't really see these women much within the group gatherings, and there was no flirting or any behaviors that might suggest there were still feelings. I don't know, but they were part of the package, and I guess I just tolerated it. There was one woman who I never trusted and just didn't really like. The first couple times I met her within the group, there was copious flirting between my then-boyfriend and her. In fact, as time went on, pretty much all the girlfriends that entered the scene wanted to knock her block off at one point because of this issue...lots of boyfriends got in trouble, that's for sure. My boyfriend/husband stopped flirting with her, but the whole issue was always the elephant in the room. But over time, while she and I were never pals, there were baby showers and wedding showers and bachelorette parties, and there were BBQs and a couple times I had her stay for dinner, and I made the best of it. Would she and my husband ever have an affair? I have no idea.

 

Again, your relationship back then and today, and so much time has passed, it just seems so benign and Anna could stand to relax and just accept it. I don't think you've given Anna any reason to think there are feelings for Sarah, and your friendship is mainly Paul. The question is, is Anna worth losing Paul as a friend, and once P&S are out of the picture, will there be something new that causes jealousy, insecurity, and conflict? Are there other issues, either with Anna or your relationship that are the real issues? My exhusband turned out to be an abuser, so it's not a fair comparison, but there was always something with him. He was never happy, and I was forever trying to accommodate him, and he would then be unhappy about something else and something else after that. Hopefully you're not dealing with something along these lines. Anna could probably stand to have some counselling to help her with her insecurity issues, particularly as it pertains to having been cheated on...you shouldn't have to live down some other guy's behaviors. Will there always be issues around your friends as opposed to hers?