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Thread: Fiancé of over 5 years cheated and left me for another woman. I'm devastated!

  1. #1
    JKH
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    Fiancé of over 5 years cheated and left me for another woman. I'm devastated!

    Hi everyone,

    I would really appreciate any advice on this situation. Sorry for the long post.

    I met my ex-fiancé in 2011. I was 23 and he was 39, divorced, and with 3 children. We fell for each other hard right away. We had a beautiful relationship for the most part. We loved each other very much and for the first few years we were one of those couples people get jealous of, hugging and holding hands wherever we went.

    When I met him he was working on a business degree and was broke. I used to help this man out with rent, groceries, gas, even child support payments. He was in school during the first 3 years of our relationship so I usually paid for everything. I bought him a brand new car that I’m still paying for, and I’ve been paying for our phones’ service.

    He graduated in 2014 and we moved to another city right away so that he could go to culinary school. I supported us for the most part. We came back to our home town and we each moved in with our parents while we found a place to live. Two years passed and for reasons that included me going back to school to further my education and him struggling to find a well-paying job, we still had not gotten married or moved in together yet. Finally 5 months ago he was able to fulfill his dream of opening his own restaurant business and I couldn’t be happier. I thought we could soon start building a future together, with both of us being more financially stable.

    Then three weeks ago he hired a new employee who’s the same age as me (28 ), the daughter of one of his friends. He’s known her since she was a child. He confessed to me that ever since she became an adult there had been a mutual attraction between them. She started working for him about 3 to 4 weeks ago, and even though I knew about her I hadn’t had the chance to meet her or introduce myself.

    He broke up with me 4 days ago, claiming that he was “too stressed out” from work and needed to “push everyone away” for a little while. I was devastated. Yesterday I took him out to lunch, apologized for not being supportive enough, and asked him to give me another chance to make things right between us. He kept refusing and finally told me about this other woman.

    He claims that the first time he slept with her was right after we broke up 4 nights ago (he went to her place afterwards), but I believe he’s lying. I even offered to forgive him if he broke up with her and came back to me. He refused. Deep down I wish he would come back to me, but I know I deserve much better. It’s just so hard to lose those strong feelings of love that I had for him overnight.

    She claims she didn’t know he had a girlfriend/fiancé and personally apologized to me yesterday, but confessed that she does have feelings for him too. She told me that if I wanted him back she would back off, and that she wasn’t even sure if she wants him anymore. But it’s obvious he’s choosing her over me.

    This was absolutely shocking and unexpected. I fully trusted him up until now. I didn’t think he was capable of cheating and I believe that, up until recently, he wasn’t. I blame myself because ever since he opened his business 5 months ago we became more and more distant. He’s been stressed out all the time. I blame myself for not being more involved in his life, for not helping and supporting him enough. I should have been there working with him instead of him hiring this woman. I have so much regret it’s killing me. When I asked him why he fell for her, he complained that I kept putting off marriage or moving in together, and he was impatient and wanted to settle and had lost his feelings for me. This makes me think that he probably wants to move in with this new girl.

    I feel extremely betrayed and humiliated. He said he feels like he's making the worst mistake of his life by leaving me and that he may soon regret it. But if that was the case why would he do it?

    I know the best thing I can do is forget about him and move on. But it kills me to think that he will probably continue his relationship with her and easily forget about me. I’m so afraid that he will be there happily enjoying his new relationship while I’m still in so much pain. I did so much for this man and we went through so much together. He was pretty much part of my family. It feels like I’m inside a horrible nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I asked him if he even cared about not seeing me ever again, and he said “not entirely”. This was so painful for me to hear.

    I don’t know how to deal with all these feelings of pain, regret, and disbelief. Any advice will help.
    Thank you.

  2. #2
    vesper
    Platinum Member vesper's Avatar
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    This story is really sad, I am sorry you are hurting and in disbelief, I understand where you are coming from. The only thing I can say is that you guys should have been already married if you supported him through every major milestone of his life and he is a complete a++hole for leaving you. WHAT A JERK!

    I am so sorry, hugs.

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  4. #3
    positiveone
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    LISTEN TO ME.


    DO NOT CONTACT THIS GUY.

    ZERO. NO.. MORE.. CONTACT.

    Fuc* this guy, he literally cheated on you. Don't give him the time of day, you're 28 years old you WILL find your better half.

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  6. #4
    LaHermes
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    JKH.
    Please JK, read this and then tell me what is wrong with this picture!

    You apologised to him for not being supportive!!! You (then a girl of 23) was KEEPING this 39 year old man, paying for everything etc. and you then say you apologise for not supporting him.

    And to top it all he tries to put the blame on you.


    "When I met him he was working on a business degree and was broke. I used to help this man out with rent, groceries, gas, even child support payments. He was in school during the first 3 years of our relationship so I usually paid for everything. I bought him a brand new car that I’m still paying for, and I’ve been paying for our phones’ service.
    "

    Yesterday I took him out to lunch, apologized for not being supportive enough, and asked him to give me another chance to make things right between us. He kept refusing and finally told me about this other woman.

    and you remark:

    "I did so much for this man "

    No you did TOO much for this man. That is what is at the heart of this matter.

    I asked him if he even cared about not seeing me ever again, and he said “not entirely”. This was so painful for me to hear.

    He never cared OP, sadly. "Hugging and holding hands" is meaningless, and nothing for others to be jealous about.

    He was broke when he met you, carrying the baggage of his divorce, plus three children, and did he even work at all during his marriage, one wonders.

    You got caught, you got conned, and he saw you coming. Regrettably that is the truth. OP.

    It's tough, but be grateful he is gone.

    Just to add, and although it might seem a futile endeavour, you should demand from him that he return you the money (considerable) that you spent on him.
    Last edited by LaHermes; 07-13-2017 at 12:28 PM.

  7. #5
    seanryder
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    Quote Originally Posted by JKH [Register to see the link]
    I’m so afraid that he will be there happily enjoying his new relationship while I’m still in so much pain.
    Firstly, you did nothing wrong....you are not to blame for any of this. You were as supportive as you could be, and judging by the way you supported him financially in the past....too supportive (paying your own way is admirable.....paying someone else's way while dating is looking to be taken advantage of in my book).

    Simply put, he used you. The old saying 'love is blind' is once more proved true. Read your post as if someone else had written it and figure out what advice you would give them. You helped get him back on his feet and now that he is, your job is done as far as he is concerned.It of course will be portrayed that it is your fault in some way...that will keep you on the 'hook', so that you will think you will only get him back if you get something sorted in you. You are lined up to be the backup plan if things don't work out. Don't let yourself become a backup plan!!

    The problem is with him. As regards worrying about him being happy.....I don't think you have to worry...he may be for a short while...but ultimately he seems like someone who will never find happiness....he seems to be unhappy with himself and would rather offload that responsibility on someone else, than take responsibility for it himself. The same will happen with his next girl.....just a matter of when.

    I know when you're in the middle of something that it is virtually impossible to stand back from it and look at it without emotions creeping in, but when you do I think you will see that you deserve far better than this, and bottom line is people will keep giving us what we are willing to take.

    I feel for you, and wish you well.

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  9. #6
    JKH
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    Thank you everyone for your responses.

    Unfortunately I still have to contact this guy because he’s still using the car that I’m paying for, and we have a cellphone plan together (which I pay for). I barely learned about this woman yesterday. Before yesterday I still had hope that we could get back together, so I had not asked him to return the car to me.

    I know this is very stupid of me but I fear that once I drop him from my cellphone plan I won’t even know his new phone number, and I will lose touch with him forever. The thought of never speaking to him again has been giving me anxiety attacks, even though I know that is probably the best. I know I’m an idiot for thinking this way, but deep down I still have a little bit of hope that he will realize he made a mistake and come back to me. I genuinely loved this guy up until now and thought we had a future together. It’s extremely difficult to stop loving him overnight even knowing that he cheated on me.

    LaHermes –
    Sorry I wasn’t clear. When I said I didn’t support him I meant with his new business. I feel like I should have been more involved. He did work during his marriage and during part of his relationship with me. He’s actually a very hard worker when he has a job and has been working really hard for his business.
    I really want to believe that he did love me, at least during our first years together. But I admit that sometimes I wonder if he used me because of what I provided for him.
    I did ask him to pay me back at least a portion of the thousands of dollars I spent on him. He said he knows he owes me a lot (not just money) and he wants to transfer money into my account once he is able to. We’ll see.

  10. #7
    JKH
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    Thanks everyone

    Thank you everyone for your responses.

    Unfortunately I still have to contact this guy because he’s still using the car that I’m paying for, and we have a cellphone plan together (which I pay for). I barely learned about this woman yesterday. Before yesterday I still had hope that we could get back together, so I had not asked him to return the car to me.

    I know this is very stupid of me but I fear that once I drop him from my cellphone plan I won’t even know his new phone number, and I will lose touch with him forever. The thought of never speaking to him again has been giving me anxiety attacks, even though I know that is probably the best. I know I’m an idiot for thinking this way, but deep down I still have a little bit of hope that he will realize he made a mistake and come back to me (stupid, I know). I genuinely loved this guy up until now and thought we had a future together. It’s extremely difficult for me to stop loving him overnight even knowing that he cheated on me.

    LaHermes –
    Sorry I wasn’t clear. When I said I didn’t support him I meant with his new business. I feel like I should have been more involved.
    He did work during his marriage and during part of his relationship with me. He’s actually a very hard worker. I've seen him work really hard for his business.
    I really want to believe that he did love me, at least during our first years together. But I admit that sometimes I wonder if he used me because of what I provided for him.
    I did ask him to pay me back at least a portion of the thousands of dollars I spent on him. He said he knows he owes me a lot (not just money) and he wants to transfer money into my account once he is able to. We’ll see.

    Seanryder -

    " ...but ultimately he seems like someone who will never find happiness...."

    It honestly kills me to think that. I really don't want him to be unhappy for the rest of his life because I know he has been for a big part of it. I just really wish it had been with me and not another woman. My biggest fear is that he will get completely over me and forget me.
    I did tell him how awful it feels knowing that I supported him when he was at his worst, and as soon as he starts to get back on his feet he leaves me for another woman.

  11. #8
    LaHermes
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    Yes, OP.

    That's the sum of it.

    "But I admit that sometimes I wonder if he used me because of what I provided for him."

    And yes, I know what you meant about "support" meaning involved in the business. I think you supported him enough as it was!!
    And even if you had been involved in the business and been there he would still fly under your radar.

    You remarked:

    " The thought of never speaking to him again has been giving me anxiety attacks, "

    The thought that you might take up with this person again is giving ME anxiety attacks. L:

    At least get the car back, because I wouldn't like to bet heavy money that you will one day get back your "investment", let alone interest on same.

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  13. #9
    NightLily
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    Ok, hands down, you need to contact him *today* and tell him you respect his wishes to be with this woman or end your relationship. Follow that up with: I need you to return my car later today or tomorrow. Then, cut him from your cell phone plan immediately.

    The fact that he is even still driving the car you are paying for says all you need to know about this person. He is most definitely a user and leaning on somebody fresh out of undergrad at 39? Come on...

    You should probably reiterate the message to him in text after telling him on the phone: I need you to return my car today or tomorrow. It is my property and I am making the payments. If he doesn't return it, you will have the text as proof if you need to get legal involved. Please do not let yourself be taken advantage of by some scummy guy.

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    abitbroken
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    I would get him out of my life. I would tell the girl to ask herself if she can trust someone who cheated on someone to sleep with her and i would cut him out of my life forever. I would stop making payments on the car if its not in your name, and if it is, I would repossess it. If your name is solely on it, I would just take it and drive away. He has taken advantage of you because you allowed it. You were young and naive and he took full advantage.

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