How to move on?

Hi. I have an interesting situation and I don't know what to do.

I've been married for a little over a year. Our marriage has been happy. I always felt that I could trust my husband.

When we started dating, I already had plans to be out of the country for a little over a year. We knew it would be hard to be apart, but we decided it was worth it to keep dating until I left. When I left (about 4 months later) didn't want to tie him down, but he insisted he wanted to continue our relationship. Fast forward 9 months (we were still communicating regularly and I was under the impression everything was still the same) and he had a relationship with another girl while still maintaining the facade that everything was the same between us. Things didn't work out between them because she found out about me. He asked her what would happen if I wasn't in the picture, but she didn't still didn't want to continue their relationship. He then proceeded to continue his relationship with me until I came home months later and we got engaged and married.

He told me about what had happened before we got married, but he really downplayed it and said that he ended things with her because she asked him to give me up, which was exactly the opposite of what happened. It was still hard for me to accept that he hadn't told me he was seeing someone while it was going on (so I would have to chance to move on or at least weigh it in when making a decision about our relationship), but I was able to forgive him.

After we had been married for a few months, more details came to light and I was really hurt. There hadn't been a recurrence or anything, but he hadn't told me the whole truth. We talked about it and he told me the "full story." I asked him point blank if there was anything else, and he said no. At this point he was still maintaining that he had ended things with her. This is really what was allowing me to let it go - that I thought he had chosen me in the end.

SO. A few days ago it came up again, and I found out the truth. I am so hurt. I feel hurt that there were multiple times he could have chosen me during the relationship with her, or at least been honest with me then. I feel hurt that he was dishonest with me all the way until now, even when I asked directly. I know it was to shield my feelings, but I feel disrespected because of it. I also feel betrayed because he let her decide the fate of our relationship instead of us deciding. It just makes it feel like everything was kind of built on a lie.

As we've talked about it, he has been distraught. He feels horrible, and was in hysterics about the thought of losing me, but it still hurts.

I already know I'm not going anywhere, and I love him. I just don't know how to move on and to not have it taint our memories of our marriage, or of our relationship at the time of the incident. Maybe it has to taint the memories of our relationship at that time, but I don't want to have it taint the memories of the last year of marriage, because it had been happy and wonderful. I'm just so confused because I thought he would never do anything like this. Especially lie to me.

I am just so hurt.

Any advice would be appreciated.

How many days/months were you actually together before talk of marriage?

We talked about marriage before I left the country, probably about 3 months into dating. We talked about it fairly often while I was gone too - or at least hinted at it. After I came home, we were engaged 6 weeks later. I felt that our relationship had really deepened while I had been gone, and he said the same thing.

OP, this guy is a liar and a cheater. Trust me, even though you say you forgive him, you will NEVER, EVER trust him again. Ever. And without trust, you have nothing. This marriage will never work out because you will never fully forget (rightly so).

Three months of dating and already talk of marriage? That alone is a massive red flag. 3 months is hardly enough time to get to know someone, let alone marry. One really can't be surprised with the end result.

My only advice would be marriage counselling for a start and if that doesn't work then serve him with divorce papers and be done with the jerk. Life is too short.

Thank you for your advice.

He's not a liar and a cheater. He made a mistake because he was lonely while I was all the way across the world and he didn't want to hurt me by telling me. I know that was wrong of him, but he has been nothing but wonderful to me other than this one instance. I can't throw away what we have because of something that happened a long time ago. I've decided to stick with him- leaving was never even an option to me.

Just so details are clear - we weren't married after 3 months. We talked about it, but knew if it was going to happen, it would be in the much later future. We then continued "dating" for over and year and a half while I was away. When I came home, we did get engaged quickly, but we had a long engagement and we've been married for over a year. I know him - and I don't regret marrying him. I know he won't ever do something like this again, and not just because I'm naive. I just need help in moving on.

Thanks

Why are you giving so much trust and faith to someone you married without barely knowing and without having actual consistent relationship time together in person before marrying? How well do you really know this man? And why would you marry someone right after knowing he had cheated on you? And why do you trust so much in a man that from what you say you were his second choice? And how can you consider this just to be a "mistake that happened long ago" when your marriage and your decision to marry him was built on a fake premise and he lied for a lengthy consistent period of time? I just don't get it... but if you really want this to work I think you two really need marriage counseling.

Oh yes he's a liar and a cheater, based on what you said above. He did cheat with this other girl, and he lied and evaded the truth to you so many times, swearing he'd told you everything there was to know. But, you just found out more info he'd been keeping a secret.

You will never fully trust him, you will always have that niggling doubt there's possibly more you dont know. If you want any sort of chance to lay this to rest, both of you need to get some marriage counselling.

He's not a liar and a cheater. He made a mistake

If you believe that, you'll believe anything. I suggest you go back and re-read your very own words in your original post. Really really absorb your words. He did NOT make a mistake. He made a conscious CHOICE to get involved with someone else, all the while supposedly being with you. This not a mistake. And being lonely? Really?? Millions of people get a little lonely when apart, but that doesn't mean they have to cheat. Where you lonely? Did you cheat on him? No. That's a very weak and feeble excuse at best.

Probably the only way for you to get over the hurt and the pain and help you move on would be seeking professional counselling/therapy.

Thank you Annia.

I know it may be hard for some to believe - but I do know him. I could give you evidence of that, but it doesn't really matter if you believe I do or not. I know that I do. And I have no doubt that something like will never happen again. I just need help in moving on from the past.

I think that you are right in that counseling might be a good idea.

And I have no doubt that something like will never happen again.

Teach me how to predict the future, it'd be very useful for me.

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing: The fact that he did not choose you

You should focus on the fact that he cheated on and lied to you repeatedly.

Stop allowing your ego to guide you, and look at the fact that he is not trustworthy.

Thank you for your advice.

 

He's not a liar and a cheater. He made a mistake because he was lonely while I was all the way across the world and he didn't want to hurt me by telling me. I know that was wrong of him, but he has been nothing but wonderful to me other than this one instance. I can't throw away what we have because of something that happened a long time ago. I've decided to stick with him- leaving was never even an option to me.

 

Just so details are clear - we weren't married after 3 months. We talked about it, but knew if it was going to happen, it would be in the much later future. We then continued "dating" for over and year and a half while I was away. When I came home, we did get engaged quickly, but we had a long engagement and we've been married for over a year. I know him - and I don't regret marrying him. I know he won't ever do something like this again, and not just because I'm naive. I just need help in moving on.

 

Thanks

If you are going to excuse away his lying and cheating, then why are you so conflicted?

He made a "mistake by lying and cheating on you for a year. Damn! You are in some serious denial.

Were you with other men while you were away?

I know it may be hard for some to believe - but I do know him. I could give you evidence of that, but it doesn't really matter if you believe I do or not. I know that I do. And I have no doubt that something like will never happen again. I just need help in moving on from the past.

Moving on from infidelity may look good on paper, but in one way or another they'll always be doubts. Very few people can honestly go the long term without a hitch after losing the most important part of a relationship, which is trust.

I wish you the best, but don't fool yourself...

Take off your rose coloured glasses OP & see your marriage for what it really is. A marriage based on lies & deceit

He is a cheater, he did cheat on you. He was having a relationship & sex with a woman while having a relationship with you.

Thank goodness this woman had enough self respect to walk away when she found out. Its a huge pity you didnt.

You deserve so much better than him

There is no way I would stay with a man who had me as a second choice. And he did have you as the second choice. Had this woman stayed with him if he got rid of you, you would have been long gone.

Plus he lied and cheated...good god, what a piece or work! Why on earth would you lower yourself to be with this guy? He is a complete jerk and he only went with you because she didn't want him!

OP,

Be alert. He will do it again.

Your feelings and spoken words do not make a marriage.

You have to overcome whatever drove you to force/warp a virtually non-existent relationship, into marriage. (Or at least what you call marriage.)

He's not a liar and a cheater.

By EVERY definition of the two words, YES he IS.

He made a mistake

A mistake is mixing salt & pepper. What he made was a CONSCIOUS CHOICE.

OVER and OVER. Every time he sleeps with you, picture him sleeping with her. VISUALISE it because it WILL happen again

he was lonely while I was all the way across the world and he didn't want to hurt me by telling me

I'll let HeartGoesOn's sig say it all. "When you start rationalizing and accepting a cheater's behaviour/excuses, you start playing a game of how low can you go."

I can't throw away what we have because of something that happened a long time ago

What you really mean is you'd rather live a happy lie than an uncomfortable truth.

I know he won't ever do something like this again

And there was I thinking that was God's gift alone.

I am sorry if this comes across as harsh, but I have a prediction for you. You will endure more pain than you realise possible if you stay. And you can have no one to blame but yourself when that happens.

To paraphrase Red Adair, if you think ending this abortion of a relationship is emotionally costly now, wait till you've spent another few years in it

ultimately, he married you.

you know something about your H that will come up in other contexts. his character is weak, choosing to avoid confrontation rather than. expose himself and live truthfully.

you may need to hold him accountable, to set boundaries for him, etc. If you. can do this and respect him fhsn you will be able to move on.

I guess I may as well add one thing...

I have a history of dating men who cheat. I know why -- but what may be more relevant for you is I have two recent examples of me exes who were cheaters (not just with me, and yet they would call themselves faithful types), who now are in what appear to be successful relationships.

(My exes are hetero men -- of course cheating goes both ways.)

(1) They are men who overlap one relationship to the next and thereby avoid being fully dependent on/committed to the relationship they are in

(2) They have almost never been without a partner of some sort

(3) They are serial monogamists

(4) Their relationships involve control issues over things petty and significant

(5) They tend to fight with their partners versus disagree/struggle for resolution as a team

(6) What they convey outwardly and socially is sanitized; their real lives are more dramatic and insecure

(7) Their partners read their phones, emails and/or texts, their invoices, bank statements, etc. and establish rules for the men to follow: "call me at 9:00 when you travel for business, from a land line" or "go to that location and come straight back" and then they will watch his time and mileage of travel

(8) The men establish work arounds, and it isn't necessarily about women. My exH used to put the recycling in the general trash and lie about it. Odd, petty, and corrosive. Other examples are using work phones for personal reasons, using only cash, using lunch as a dating opportunity, setting up errands that don't exist just to go be alone (or not).

If you are willing and able to hold your H accountable in these ways, he may accept your oversight and carry on with you. You might have to give up the romantic ego boost of knowing that he is determined to be with you and only you, under any circumstance including hardship and distance. He may need an external force holding his feet to the fire in order to make good on his promises. He might accept your governance, and even respect it, as my two exes have (even if they don't like it). Both fear their partners' disapproval, and both avoid conflict. Both men accept and respect their partners' level of control, even if they dislike it.

The women seem to accept this as well.

Offering examples.