Twice - what to do?

Hi.. I'm so confused & don't know what to do . My husband is a great guy ( he honestly is).he treats me well , is a great father to our 2 small children .. we have great communication & have a lot of fun together . Basically we have been married 16 years . He had an emotional affair after we were married for 3 years. It was hard to forgive & move on but I did . I just found out he had another emotional affair over the past few months . I told him after the first two me that if this ever happend again I would leave because I did not want to deal with this my entire life . He is begging me to stay & says he loves me & will do anything . I feel like he is missing something from me to be able to do this but he swears it's him & he doesn't know what is wrong with him that he did this to me twice . There was no sex involved in either of these situations but there was a few kisses . I love him but just don't know if I can trust him . He ended this last relationship right away & immediately called a therapist . We also started couples therapy last week . I'm just so scared of this happening again .. what should I do ??

Go to those therapy sessions, both of you. Dont neglect to do this as it could save your marriage.

Go to those therapy sessions, both of you. Dont neglect to do this as it could save your marriage.

Have you done therapy ? Do you know if it really works tho? I just feel if he's got something going on within him or lacking something from me .. is therapy really going to fix it ? I guess I'm skeptical..

Have you done therapy ? Do you know if it really works tho? I just feel if he's got something going on within him or lacking something from me .. is therapy really going to fix it ? I guess I'm skeptical..

Therapy works for those who want to change, which is generally very few.

It doesnt take a therapist to tell your husband that its wrong to have an emotional affair. Obviously there is a reason he has done this, whether its ego or attention or what have you. Has he offered why?

Therapy works for those who want to change, which is generally very few.

 

It doesnt take a therapist to tell your husband that its wrong to have an emotional affair. Obviously there is a reason he has done this, whether its ego or attention or what have you. Has he offered why?

I wish he could tell me why . I want answers. But he is just as confused . He says he loves me & our life & our family & that I am the best thing that ever happend to him so he doesn't know why he would be looking for this relationship outside of us . The therapist after one session seemed to think it may be related to his family As he is not close to them at all .

It works for some and not others. Only way to know is to go and for the both of you to give it your best shot.

After 16 years and a child together, I think you owe each other a genuine effort to save your marriage and make it healthy. Sometimes, it takes some outside help and coaching to accomplish that. You really have nothing to lose by trying at this point. The option to leave him if it's not working out is always there. It's not going anywhere.

Be careful about blaming yourself though. No, it's not your fault that he has done this. He is likely very correct about the fact that he has some issues he needs to fix internally. Also, keep in mind that counseling and working through issues takes time and effort and work. A few sessions won't instantly cure anything. You also need to talk to someone neutral about how you feel, your fears, your frustrations, etc. So don't forget that this is for you too and use it to your own advantage as well to work things out of your own system. Especially this insecurity you are feeling, which many people who have been cheated on feel, that somehow you are the problem...but you aren't.

I also agree with therapy. Both couple and individual therapy maybe. I think you both need to talk about this for real and dig deep about these issues, and with a therapist this might be easier and less painful.

I think that "cheating" weather emotional or physical is a choice. Regardless of your relationship or what's happening with him, he made that choice. I think the first step is for him to take responsibility for what he's done and work hard on understanding why he did that and never do it again. That's on him. For you I think it's important to understand that this says nothing about you or your worth and it's important to little by rebuild the trust in your marriage and he has to show you actively that he's trustworthy and that in fact he won't repeat this. This is if you decide to stay with him of course.

Please fire this therapist asap. Making excuses for your husbands actions is nonsense. Find your own therapist so this isn't another sham-remorse deal so you don't divorce him. Get the truth and some common sense answers from a therapist alone without him sitting there crying about 'sorry don't know what's wrong with me, maybe my family blah blah blah'.

He had an emotional affair after we were married for 3 years. I just found out he had another emotional affair over the past few months. He ended this last relationship right away & immediately called a therapist . We also started couples therapy last week .The therapist after one session seemed to think it may be related to his family As he is not close to them at all .

Cheating is not a mistake it's a conscious choice, therefore stop blaming yourself. Of course, whether you choose to address this through marriage counselling or through another avenue called, "fool my once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me", is for you to decide.

Choose wisely, and I hope you find your way...

I agree with all above.

He knows what he did, he chose to do this. You could be the perfect wife but if he is a cheater he will end up cheating on anyone and no one will satisfy him.

He needs to see his own behaviour and decide to change for good. It's a matter of respect towards you and respect towards your marriage and becoming a much more moral man, etc...but only he can make these changes.

Shame on your therapist for even considering justifying what he has done and trying to excuse it by placing blame elsewhere. That is so incredibly wrong.

It is not his family or his upbringing or his stress...it's him and his bad behaviour. End of.

I hope for the sake of your marriage and your children that he changes and that your marriage is saved. I'll be wishing for the best for you.

I feel like he is missing something from me to be able to do this but he swears it's him & he doesn't know what is wrong with him that he did this to me twice.

He is doing it because he can. He has likely had many more than 2 over 16 years.

There was no sex involved in either of these situations but there was a few kisses..

You have no way of knowing this. He is meeting up with them just to share a few kisses?! He is lying to you.

I love him but just don't know if I can trust him.

Wrong, you do know whether you can trust him. You cant.

I'm just so scared of this happening again .. what should I do ??

It will happen again. You should divorce him. I have a feeling you will forgive him again, continue to believe that he only kissed them, that there were only two instances and that he will change.

He is doing it because he can. He has likely had many more than 2 over 16 years.

 

 

 

 

You have no way of knowing this. He is meeting up with them just to share a few kisses?! He is lying to you.

 

 

 

Wrong, you do know whether you can trust him. You cant.

 

 

 

It will happen again. You should divorce him. I have a feeling you will forgive him again, continue to believe that he only kissed them, that there were only two instances and that he will change.

Well the reason I do believe that no sex was involved is because I saw all texts , messages etc & also confronted the women to ask them . If anything he did look to be always making excuses why he couldn't go to her place when she constantly asked him . Not defending him in any way - just stating facts . I have access to all of his media , credit cards ,phone records etc . So I would be able to see this or st least see it implied someplace

I agree with all above.

He knows what he did, he chose to do this. You could be the perfect wife but if he is a cheater he will end up cheating on anyone and no one will satisfy him.

He needs to see his own behaviour and decide to change for good. It's a matter of respect towards you and respect towards your marriage and becoming a much more moral man, etc...but only he can make these changes.

 

Shame on your therapist for even considering justifying what he has done and trying to excuse it by placing blame elsewhere. That is so incredibly wrong.

It is not his family or his upbringing or his stress...it's him and his bad behaviour. End of.

I hope for the sake of your marriage and your children that he changes and that your marriage is saved. I'll be wishing for the best for you.

I agree completely- Thankyou

Please fire this therapist asap. Making excuses for your husbands actions is nonsense. Find your own therapist so this isn't another sham-remorse deal so you don't divorce him. Get the truth and some common sense answers from a therapist alone without him sitting there crying about 'sorry don't know what's wrong with me, maybe my family blah blah blah'.

I honestly don't feel she was making excuses for him .. she is just trying to get to the bottom of why he needs a relationship outside of ours . She makes it very clear it is wrong & just thinks he is needing more emotional relationships due to the fact he has none.(other than with me)

He is doing it because he can. He has likely had many more than 2 over 16 years.

 

 

 

 

You have no way of knowing this. He is meeting up with them just to share a few kisses?! He is lying to you.

 

 

 

Wrong, you do know whether you can trust him. You cant.

 

 

 

It will happen again. You should divorce him. I have a feeling you will forgive him again, continue to believe that he only kissed them, that there were only two instances and that he will change.

And I really don't appreciate being told what I'm going to do & implying it would be a wrong decision . I am honest to god on the fence about what to do . I need to figure out what is best for me & my children - no one else . I feel like the fact that my husband is going to therapy & begging me to stay & saying he will do anything to fix it is a step in the right direction .. sometimes that is not even there . I agree that he has to want to fix himself or nothing will change .

I honestly don't feel she was making excuses for him .. she is just trying to get to the bottom of why he needs a relationship outside of ours . She makes it very clear it is wrong & just thinks he is needing more emotional relationships due to the fact he has none.(other than with me)

....and that unfortunately is a huge problem. He has boxed himself in an unhealthy situation, leaning 100% on the relationship, except it's impossible to do. Unfortunately, his solution is equally, if not more, problematic. Based on this, it's very likely that this can be solved with the help of counseling that hopefully leads him into developing a healthy social life and healthy connections outside of his marriage that do not involve emotional cheating. The words proper socialization come to mind here. Keep in mind, that again, this isn't your failure, but his issues that he needs to deal with and address and he will need professional help to do it. Pretty much needs to rewire his brain AND social habits.

My ex had an emotional affair when our Son was 2. He cried, begged, pleaded & I took him back.

10 years later he had a full blown affair. I caught him out.

He did the crying, begging, pleading again & I wouldnt listen & divorced him.

I found out later that there were many others in between these 2.

Please dont let your heart rule your head. Your husband cannot be trusted. Once is a "mistake", twice isnt.

If you threatened to leave the first time & you dont he will have won & knows you will put up with any bad behaviour.

My ex had an emotional affair when our Son was 2. He cried, begged, pleaded & I took him back.

10 years later he had a full blown affair. I caught him out.

He did the crying, begging, pleading again & I wouldnt listen & divorced him.

I found out later that there were many others in between these 2.

 

Please dont let your heart rule your head. Your husband cannot be trusted. Once is a "mistake", twice isnt.

If you threatened to leave the first time & you dont he will have won & knows you will put up with any bad behaviour.

Thankyou for your reply. I do appreciate it. I don't want to make a mistake as you only live once & get one life. Did your husband ever go to therapy though? I just wish that I had done therapy with him years ago when the first issue happend. We are doing therapy together & he is going on his own ( I told him he had to if we had any chance ). He is so willing to do anything to fix us.. I guess it makes it harder when he is so willing to do anything I ask . I do think he has issues within himself that he needs to fix . I have talked to 2 therapists & they are certain he can fix himself & be a better husband but then there is the voice in my head saying " but can he?"

Affairs happen in person. Most people aren't that stupid to parade it on any of this 1111;6821817] I have access to all of his media , credit cards ,phone records etc . So I would be able to see this or st least see it implied someplace

Thankyou for your reply. I do appreciate it. I don't want to make a mistake as you only live once & get one life. Did your husband ever go to therapy though? I just wish that I had done therapy with him years ago when the first issue happend. We are doing therapy together & he is going on his own ( I told him he had to if we had any chance ). He is so willing to do anything to fix us.. I guess it makes it harder when he is so willing to do anything I ask . I do think he has issues within himself that he needs to fix . I have talked to 2 therapists & they are certain he can fix himself & be a better husband but then there is the voice in my head saying " but can he?"

No, there was no therapy, just lots of "I'm sorry, it will never happen again blah blah blah".....which was total bull.

Its you life & your marriage & no one can tell you what to do, but I wish I had of been stronger & left the first time. It would have saved me so much heart ache, soul searching & putting blame on myself.

I honestly believe these kinds of people cant change their behavior.

I am very sorry you are going through this

This is very difficult because you have so much invested. But if you go down the therapy route remember one thing. YOU own this. It's not a magic pill. If you are TOO scared of divorce (and it is scary - I've been through it with two kids), you will always choose to stay.

With every forgiveness, comes another emboldening to do it again. Not tomorrow or next year, but it WILL happen again.

You may think you have access to his social media, but think again. Cheaters learn to send/delete & read/delete. My ex did..

May God give you the courage to do what's right. Whatever that may be.

Affairs happen in person. Most people aren't that stupid to parade it on any of this

 

It's not parading info- I agree people are not going to leave this info. There is a way to retrieve deleted info . I will not be someone that sticks their head in the sand & doesn't want to know anything . But I want to know exactly what I am dealing with so I can make a fully informed decision. There are ways to find out the truth about everything .