She thinks I'm her therapist...

Hi everyone, it's been a while so I hope you are all going well!

Okay, so here's an interesting one for you... I'm going to sound like the world's most callous, selfish person I'm sure of it, but here goes...

There's a whooooole lot of background with this person which I won't go completely into, lol, but I'm having trouble with my MIL who constantly 'vents' to me. Not just here and there when she has a problem which is TOTALLY fine - I'll help anyone I can, but I'm talking EVERY time this woman talks to me, it's some drama that she needs to get off her chest. Or her anxiety, or her depression, or what someone did to someone else that upset her... It's always something. I don't think I've ever spoken to her and not left the conversation smiling or not utterly exhausted.

A bit of background - she has a handful of mental disorders, is a widow (ten years) and she made life VERY, very difficult for hubby and I when we had our baby. I had PND which made things worse (and is nobody's fault) but she knowingly made snarky comments in my earshot, would complain about not visiting when she was invited twice a week, made us cry in hospital after having an outburst, and, well... I could go on and on. Hubby ended up wanting to disown her, but I talked him into speaking to a counceller instead which has helped.

Now, because of the way she's made us feel, I really resent her for unloading on me. She's constantly venting at me, complaining about her anxiety, complaining about all sorts of things, and the fact is that she makes me so anxious, that I just can't deal with it anymore. She was pulled up on it about a year ago which caused WW3, and since then every time she 'starts' we try and instead of pulling her up on it, to 'steer' the conversation to something a bit more positive - something our counceller suggested after the blunt approach didn't work.

Now I totally get the mental disorder thing - I have anxiety, have always battled eating disorders, and I'm getting through post natal and things are going reasonably well. I don't put my crap on others unless they ask or are a close friend or Mum etc.

My biggest thing which I've explained to MIL is that I pretty much have enough on my plate. My cup is full of my own worries and I can't take on anyone else's at the moment, especially when it's just the same monotonous ranting she's thrown at me for the last ten years. I hate it when she vents. I'm not her counceller, but she seems to think she can just unload on me and I want her to stop. I've pretty much just had enough!

I feel so guilty about not wanting to listen to her - fair enough if it was a serious problem, but it's not - it's just things like how depressed she is because her car isn't running, and she's too anxious to take it to get fixed, and if only someone would drive her to the shop (we live 3 hours away) and she doesn't want to burden her other kids who live around the corner etc etc etc... Ten years of that, and refusing to see somebody about it....

I'm at my wits end and feel like she only ever talks to hubby and I when she wants to unload. Anyone else been through this? I think I could suck it up if she hadn't have been such a nightmare after baby, but now that our lives are 100 x more stressful with us both working, new baby and a heap of other stuff, we're kind of exhausted and over it

Is this in person or over the phone?

If by phone, you can always make an excuse to get off. If in person, you must limit her visits. How often do you see her? I also agree with changing the convo., and maybe you need to revisit the topic of her complaining.

You and your husband must take control of this situation.

She sounds horrible!

i agree with Holly, it would help to know where this happens. it will be easier to get away from this if it is outside your home. if you had gotten her used to sitting and whining at your kitchen table for hours on end, that's trickier.

I don't know what the specifics are, but I know when my grandmother was elderly there were some community workers who would bring her meals and a few other people who would regularly drop into see her and check how she was doing. It might take a bit of effort to set up, but if you enquire with the local council/possibly Centrelink who at least have social workers [you're in Australia, yeah?], you might be able to find something which you can put in place to ease the burden on you guys supporting her social and emotional needs. I'm not sure if you'd be willing to go to the extent of visiting a doctor's office with her, but you could also get a mental health care plan written up by a GP where she can get 10 free sessions of counselling per year on Medicare (generally space them out at one per month and the GP can usually offer a referral for a psychologist). At least in doing this you give her someone else to talk to and some social support so you won't feel quite as obligated to entertain her venting. Depending on her financial situation you could probably even hire someone to visit her a couple of times a week. I imagine there would be some sort of subsidy available for such services for an elderly person who has mental health issues. Try asking around

But in the meantime, look out for your own mental health and set time limits on her conversations (have places you need to be etc)

Thanks for your replies everyone! She is on a mental health plan but only goes to the doctors occasionally. She has 2 daughters who live nearby and she is close to, she also lives with her 35 year old son who also has mental illness.

I don't really answer the phone to her anymore because I get stuck listening to her for 3 hours and I don't have the time with bubs and full time night work. Face to face she also starts. Pretty much every conversation is 'drama this and wow is me that'

She texted me this big huge novel the other day about her anxiety without me asking how she was, just randomly unloaded for no reason!

I'm having a bit of a rough time with my own problems and I'm just not in the headspace to deal with her or take on her drama. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but I have to look after myself for my own family and try to be strong for my hubby

Here and there for anyone who has a problem, but after 10 years of drama and whinging I'm feeling very worn down!

I should probably say it's not just me she unloads to, she has all of her kids to talk to, and they all live near her.

Her and I aren't close, especially after how she's treated me over the past couple of years. We're civil and have a good chat and cuppa when we catch up, but we're not best friends by any stretch xx

Would it be appropriate (right age, for example) to look into a low care group facility? Even if she can hypothetically manage the day to day running of her life, it doesn't sound like she is coping. My father lives in a facility and has access to more supports and social networks this way - it is paid for by most of his Centrelink income and he gets a small amount afterwards as 'pocket money', can still leave the facility when he wants but they will come get him and escort him back if he is out for too long. I would use this as a strong sign that she is losing capacity to make sound judgements for herself and possibly ensure there is some POA set up for her finances and medical decisions?

Sounds harsh but it is what it is - a person of sound mind would not be doing this.

There is NO way she'll go to one of those. Many years ago she'd go to a mental health retreat for a few weeks but that was long before she lost her husband.

She won't listen to anyone - there's a problem for every solution... Unfortunately where we live it cannot be forced either.

She's eating, sleeping, paying her home loan, getting out of the house etc and she's much too young for a 'home' situation.

I think if anything she needs a hobby whether it be an art or music class occasionally, something positive in her life. I feel awful for what she must go through but unfortunately I just can't shoulder her problems anymore xx

Yep. Well then the only thing you can do is extract yourself from those situations. Be busy with your friends and your side of the family (or claim to be, anyhow). Don't answer the phone and only answer every few messages. She'll get bored pretty soon

Face to face she also starts. Pretty much every conversation is 'drama this and wow is me that'

this isn't anything you'll solve by being "kind" because she feeds off your kindness.

you need to be an unattractive option for her. the person who dismisses her woes with "oh, i'm sure you'll be just fine. gotta go".

you'd not attempt self-disclosure with people who are unsympathetic, "don't get it", minimize your concerns, tell you to just force yourself to feel better, and then straight up leave.

be that beotch. it's justified.

she wants a willing dumpster, not a quick chirpy spring who sings "i'm sure it's nothing" or just plain "i told you- i'm done" and is gone before she can retort. you've been the dumpster long enough.

there is no reason why you should exhaust yourself with a vampire, and every reason why you shouldn't.

cut her, short, minimize her woes, and leave.

[QUeOTE=RainyCoast;6820375]

she wants a willing dumpster, not a quick chirpy spring who sings "i'm sure it's nothing" or just plain "i told you- i'm done" and is gone before she can retort. you've been the dumpster long enough.

there is no reason why you should exhaust yourself with a vampire, and every reason why you shouldn't.

cut her, short, minimize her woes, and leave.

Omg... THIS! Thank you so much, I was thinking this was my next step but felt like a complete cow for even thinking it.

I just received ANOTHER unsolicited barrage of whingey texts - pretty much how she is out of cigarettes and 'you'd think someone would offer to buy me some more but nobody ever thinks of me' ... Holy crap, woman...

I just replied with 'oh well, best you go up the street and get them yourself then. No big deal' and she hadn't replied. Watch this space!

Really appreciate all your help and replies everyone, thanks for letting me vent on you guys! xxx

yup!

whenever you need ideas for dismissive replies, log on here lol.

or just imagine the worst reply to receive when you want sympathy and give her that.

you're totally not a cow. it's just self-preservation.

OMG, this is awful. You have my sympathies. She obviously has some mental issues of some sort. What a terrible way for her to live, and a terrible situation for you.

Unfortunately, this is a no-win situation for you. If you ignore her, you're the bad guy. If you allow her to vent constantly, your life is filled with her whines.

The one suggestion I could make is to wait an extra hour or so to respond to her texts. Start by waiting 15 minutes. Then 30. Keep building up the time, and then just say "Oh my, I've been so busy at the store/work/etc." Then, keep your replies super-short, and you always "have to go." Pretty soon, you're waiting an hour to respond, and then....2 hours.

Put her number on Do Not Disturb, so your phone doesn't even bling when she texts. If she asks, tell her your entire phone was on silent, as you were in a meeting, so you didn't hear.

Thanks for your replies everyone! She is on a mental health plan but only goes to the doctors occasionally. She has 2 daughters who live nearby and she is close to, she also lives with her 35 year old son who also has mental illness.

I don't really answer the phone to her anymore because I get stuck listening to her for 3 hours and I don't have the time with bubs and full time night work. Face to face she also starts. Pretty much every conversation is 'drama this and wow is me that'

 

She texted me this big huge novel the other day about her anxiety without me asking how she was, just randomly unloaded for no reason!

I'm having a bit of a rough time with my own problems and I'm just not in the headspace to deal with her or take on her drama. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but I have to look after myself for my own family and try to be strong for my hubby

 

Here and there for anyone who has a problem, but after 10 years of drama and whinging I'm feeling very worn down!

It isn't selfish. This should not be your problem.

You and your husband d need to enforce stronger boundaries. Also, if she calls, you do not have time to talk. I would also restrict your face-to-face time with this woman. Your husband needs to take more control, as she is his mother. You don't have to deal with this.

i would simply get up, tell her Bernice i've suggested helpful things, but i will not listen to this moaning. i have my self and the child to take care of. bye. and i would leave.

 

this isn't anything you'll solve by being "kind" because she feeds off your kindness.

 

you need to be an unattractive option for her. the person who dismisses her woes with "oh, i'm sure you'll be just fine. gotta go".

 

you'd not attempt self-disclosure with people who are unsympathetic, "don't get it", minimize your concerns, tell you to just force yourself to feel better, and then straight up leave.

 

be that beotch. it's justified.

 

she wants a willing dumpster, not a quick chirpy spring who sings "i'm sure it's nothing" or just plain "i told you- i'm done" and is gone before she can retort. you've been the dumpster long enough.

 

there is no reason why you should exhaust yourself with a vampire, and every reason why you shouldn't.

 

cut her, short, minimize her woes, and leave.

I agree! Enforce some boundaries. You are not helpless. Where is your husband in all of this?

I'm sorry you are going through this but I love the response you gave back to her on text about her needing cigarettes.

If you do things like that she will eventually back off and see that you won't listen. I wonder what your husband has to say about all this as well? Has your husband ever told her to back off from you?

Lisa

It happens because you unwittingly allow it. You know, give an inch take a mile, right? Real more about how to discourage this drama/victim mentality/dumping 2/2015/12/3/medium-chill"]Medium-chill[/url]

"Medium Chill - A technique used to disengage oneself from another person's drama when direct contact is unavoidable.

Medium Chill is disengaging emotionally and giving neutral responses to what someone does or says. The focus is on you, your feelings and needs, not the other person or their feelings and needs.

Someone using Medium Chill is assertive without being confrontational. They will give no appearance of withdrawal, and they will maintain a pleasant and calm tone of voice and demeanor.

There are two key components to Medium Chill:

1. Don't share any personal information.

Don't volunteer details about your life or your feelings. Everything in your world is perfectly OK, normal and uneventful. Tell them nothing, ask them nothing. Conversation is nothing more than pleasantries about weather, traffic, news etc. Engage in the type of conversation you might have with a total stranger while waiting for the bus.

2. Don't get involved in another person's chaos or drama.

When asked to help or get involved, be unavailable without offering the reason why you are unavailable. Sharing the details only motivates others to help you clear your obstacle to being there to help them. You are simply busy, you know, same old stuff.

When others try to draw you into their drama and chaos you are a bored and dull listener. You are there, just not present or terribly involved. Never show anger or compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention. Don't offer any advice or opinions of your own. Don't try to solve their problems. You are simply not involved.

If someone is angry and manages to get you angry they have successfully projected and transferred their anger to you. Take your leave as soon as possible in cases of anger or rage. Simply and calmly leave or end the phone call.

When others lash out, show no anger. When others are nice, don't reciprocate. Be distant and flat in both cases. When others can't easily manipulate a reaction, they tend to leave you alone."

My husband is amazing, he stuck up for me when the snarky comments came and also told her that if she couldn't come have a positive visit then not to bother coming at all - but he obviously worded it much more kindly than I just did... That's when WW3 started and we had weeks of guilt trips, we were 'withholding the grand child' (we still invited her twice a week despite the drama) yada, yada, yada. She's like a cross between 'Sad' from the movie 'Inside Out' and 'Marie' from Everybody Loves Raymond.

He cops it worse than I do because he is obligated to take her calls (the fallout from ignoring her is worse than suffering through a 3 hour call) and she can go the entire conversation without asking him how he is. She will whinge about everything and everyone in her life and how hard things are, and while he tries to be sympathetic to her, he just hates it. He was close to his Dad, so it sucks for her to throw his death at everyone whenever there is a joyous occasion (birthdays, Christmas, the birth of our child etc...). It's almost as though because she hasn't come to terms with it, nobody should be allowed to. If she's not happy, then she sulks and makes everyone around her miserable and wants us all to run to comfort her ALL the time. I feel really awful for her, and grieving a lost loved one is really hard - I get that - but I just don't understand why she can't just go get help and not bring everyone around her down.

I know I must sound very insensitive and I'm sorry but after 10 years of it, It's gotten a bit old! My husband is seeing a counceller to help him deal with his feelings, he has lots of resentment towards her, but also huge amounts of guilt and worry for her wellbeing. He is a wonderful, caring person, and that is taken advantage of. Some of the other siblings are quite cold towards her, so she won't call on them - instead, my husband cops it and if he is dismissive, she guilts him, hangs up and then the text messages start. Followed by facebook statuses, followed by the silent treatment. Her band of facebook followers are all ladies she's never met in person, mostly people from forums and groups. I'm sure they are lovely people, but the facade my MIL puts up, they think she's a sweet little lady that can do no wrong. They think she's some poor, suffering soul who nobody cares about, who's drawn the short straw in life etc etc...

The annoying thing is, that when she's having a good day, she can be really lovely. I get along great with her during those times, but then she 'goes crazy' and we all sit there rolling our eyes thinking 'great, well THAT was short lived' or we find out she has been saying things about us. She once went three weeks without contacting us - the last thing she said to me was that she'd come up during the week or possibly the week after, but she'd call me when things settled down to tee it up. I said 'great, look forward to it' etc with a smile... When we finally do hear from her almost a month later it's some sob story about how horrible her life has been and how sorry she is that we didn't get to catch up etc etc... Only for one of the siblings (the normal one we get along with really well) to tell us that MIL has been 'testing' us to see if we'd contact her first - WTH !?!?

It happens because you unwittingly allow it. You know, give an inch take a mile, right? Real more about how to discourage this drama/victim mentality/dumping 2/2015/12/3/medium-chill"]Medium-chill[/url]

 

"Medium Chill - A technique used to disengage oneself from another person's drama when direct contact is unavoidable.

 

 

Thank you Wiseman for sharing this, was very helpful. I went to the link and read the whole thing, will definitely try it out!

I'm not a therapist, but to me, she sounds like BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

she knowingly made snarky comments in my earshot, would complain about not visiting when she was invited twice a week, made us cry in hospital after having an outburst, and, well... I could go on and on.

First, I'd recognize my power to render anything this woman says as irrelevant. This strips her power to provoke you since you won't buy into the content--it's just noise. This liberates you from holding a grudge, which only harms your own stomach lining. There's no need to resent someone who you've rendered powerless, and by removing that emotional charge, you can afford to be more generous with your compassion for her powerless state.

Compassion doesn't make you a doormat, it raises you above the battlefield. Moving to higher ground gives you the insight to 'see' your way beyond manipulation. Babies and children manipulate because they are powerless. Older people manipulate for the same reason, only they're better at it. When you can see WHY a powerless person resorts to manipulation, you've removed yourself from feeling victimized by it. Instead, you can see someone flailing around like one hand trying to clap--because you've stopped playing along by clashing.

From there, you can use the same tactics you'll use with your babe during a temper tantrum--ignore bad behavior and reward the good. MIL uses negative tactics because they've always worked to gain attention. So stop giving it while she complains, and heap loads of it on her whenever you catch her saying something good. Make the contrast clear; you can even explain it to her: "Mom, I adore you, and I'm willing to listen to anything positive you'd like to discuss, but if the price of doing business with you is continual complaining, then you're going to see a lot less of us. You get to pick."

Enforce this by engaging fully in anything good she raises. When she complains, get up and work around your kitchen, interrupt to care for baby, then sit down, look her in the eye and ask, "What would you like to do about that?" If she negates the question by complaining more, get back up and do stuff, rinse and repeat.

If she complains about you, don't defend. Just ask, "What can I do to help?" Questions that put her in the problem solver's seat force her to draw on a different, rational, part of her brain. This will teach her how to foresee consequences and avoid positioning herself to answer such questions in the future unless she wants to come up with workable solutions.

If she complains on the phone, cut the convo and tell her you'll call back. When you call her, get straight to your point instead of asking how she is.

View MIL as good practice for how you'll train your baby to behave positively for attention. Head high.