Life after the addict/narcissistic personality...

Hello all,

Just wondering how many of you have actually had to attend therapy, or medicate to deal with the aftermath of a narc/addict relationship/separation?

How long did it take to stop ruminating and start healing?

I'm almost 3mnths in therapy, diagnosed with PTSD and 3weeks into no contact and still struggling with various emotions.

I'm working on journals and read as much as I can on the subject, but still find myself half missing this toxic being in my life and although I understand why that's happening, I'm frustrated by the inability just to shut down thoughts of longing for apology or change etc.

I'd be really interested in hearing others experience with this if anyone feels brave enough to share.

I was married to one for 16 years, 18 years collectively. I can't tell you how long it took me to work through it. I honestly don't think my work is ever done.

But the initial acute pain and learning to get my balance took a couple years.

I don't mean to say that to discourage you.

There was always constant growth, especially in light of how far I had come from. It's difficult and rewarding at the same time.

It's like trying to make sense of madness. You can't.

It helped to imagine him wired backwards. It took a while but I finally let go of waiting for any

sort of an apology or the moment he would `get it'.

It was just never going to happen.

I am glad you are getting support to help you through this

How long were you with him?

Focus on ways to avoid high risk relationships in the future and examine what lead you to that. Keep the focus on you. Also keep in mind you entered this situation so work on those vulnerabilities. Don't focus on him or apologies.

Do you miss the thrill and drama? Reflect on why?

I'm almost 3mnths in therapy, diagnosed with PTSD and 3weeks into no contact and still struggling with various emotions.I'm working on journals and read as much as I can on the subject, but still find myself half missing this toxic being in my life and although I understand why that's happening, I'm frustrated by the inability just to shut down thoughts of longing for apology or change etc.

Friends for several years, together for one year.

Thank you so much for sharing your story

It's so hard to overcome and let go.

Focus on ways to avoid high risk relationships in the future and examine what lead you to that. Keep the focus on you. Also keep in mind you entered this situation so work on those vulnerabilities. Don't focus on him or apologies.

 

Do you miss the thrill and drama? Reflect on why?

I understand why it happened, yes. I've covered lot of ground in therapy.

And no. I don't miss the drama and it was never thrilling in any way. It's like a mix of being relieved I'm free, yet still feeling a kind of "pull" for the man I loved... Who I now realize, probably wasn't real!

Hello all,

 

Just wondering how many of you have actually had to attend therapy, or medicate to deal with the aftermath of a narc/addict relationship/separation?

How long did it take to stop ruminating and start healing?

 

 

I'd be really interested in hearing others experience with this if anyone feels brave enough to share.

Brave of you as well to post and ask.

It took years for me. In my situation I was dealing with someone who was diagnosed BOrderline, PTSD, and Bi-Polar.

I would go to therapy while I was in the relationship to vent and basically help reenforce that the issues were not me. I swear my therapist was writing a book about all the things I went through. I still see him maybe once or twice a year to check in.

I also read as much as I could find about the disorders as well as books that tried to help me deal with being co-dependent.

There are many noteworthy reads that you can ask me for if you wish but by far the very best one that created clarity for me and help me grieve through all of it was Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie.

Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People

I recommend it highly!!

Good luck and reach out anytime.

I understand why it happened, yes. I've covered lot of ground in therapy.

 

And no. I don't miss the drama and it was never thrilling in any way. It's like a mix of being relieved I'm free, yet still feeling a kind of "pull" for the man I loved... Who I now realize, probably wasn't real!

Please think about reading the book "Psychopath Free"... my therapist suggested it for me. I broke up with my alcoholic ex in August and still dealing with the pain of infidelity and leaving someone I truly loved. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel. One day at a time.

I had an alcoholic friend who made my life miserable, he was a major drama queen as well as verbally and emotionally abusive to me and everyone around him. I'd never met anyone like him before and I hope I never do again. Unreasonable, grumpy, loud, obnoxious, angry you name it he had it for negative qualities. I had to remove him from my life as he was bringing me down so much. It was hard to do, and this person was a friend not a lover or partner, so I can just imagine the hell you are going thru. Keep on with the therapy and be stronger than you ever knew you could be.

I was in some kind of a "thing" with a covert cerebral narcissist (initially he came across as super polite and even shy and reserved). He had to fight to get me for some time, but once he "got" me, it was rather different. Well, I'm sure you are familiar with all the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the word salad, inconsistency, manipulation etc.

I made a serious mistake of getting involved in another relationship soon after (in fact, in terms of contact, it even kind of overlapped, as I was not in full NC yet when I met and dated the new person). So, while I felt better, I was by no means fully healed. I no longer wanted or even missed the narc much, but I had a lot of post-effects, like complex PTSD, OCD, mental confusion, not knowing how to act with people or where to draw my boundaries. Sometimes I'd do things I shouldn't just to please the new guy because he was not a narcissist and such a wonderful person (but violating my boundaries or not taking care of my needs); other times I was resentful or angry or looking for "red flags" where there weren't any.

I just had so many knee-jerk reactions I couldn't understand myself, it was terrible. And I couldn't tell if someone's action was a totally benign little thing, or if it was something bad where I was supposed to "assert myself". When I was afraid of doing smth codependent, I'd turn into an angry jerk; when I was afraid to hurt someone, I'd do smth codependent. I was so confused and had lost significant amount of trust in people.

So, while the new guy was great, I unfortunately messed things up and treated him as if he was a narc which he wasn't, and hurt him a lot. And guess what - being dumped by this good guy hurt a lot more than the narc rejection. On top of that, it kind of compounded the CPTSD and some other effects, and I got even more depressed and felt really bad about myself. By now I am a bit better in terms of seeing where the lines are, but still struggling with communication-based OCD. And still have to recover from the fresh heartbreak.

So, one of the advices I can give you: socialise, meet with people, be friends, but don't get involved until you are fully healed and confident within yourself and know how to behave, trust, and be with regular normal people. (but also be careful not to get with another narcissist, which I heard sometimes happens, too).

It's really great you have access to therapy, though. I wasn't very lucky and didn't have the tools when I needed them most - only a few counseling sessions without actual therapy.

Psychopathfree.com, narcissistsupport.com, and 180rule.com are also great sites.

And yes, whenever you start missing him or think that you are in love with him: remember, that person didn't really exist; you were in love with a fantasy. That might help.

Thank you so much to everyone who is contributing to this thread. It is helping in ways you wouldn't believe.

Please keep sharing whatever advice, books, links you feel may help. I really need it.

Dear Waraqqa, reading your story made me cry!

It's so cruel how these people effect others and the pain I can see we all have gone through and crossed here is just... So sad.

I'm plagued by bad dreams of him and wake crying.

Like you, I am unsure of people's intentions and I'm so scared to socialise in case I come across another of his "type"... I guess I have a long way to go.

I just want to hide at home and cry.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and offering to help. All of you are amazing and I really do appreciate all of your comments and advice. Dx

D.

Don't be scared of socialising, and please don't hide away. By doing that you are allowing the abuser to "win".

With the information you now have, and by working on yourself, you will be able to refine your radar and recognise red flags. And strengthen your boundaries.

D.

 

Don't be scared of socialising, and please don't hide away. By doing that you are allowing the abuser to "win".

 

With the information you now have, and by working on yourself, you will be able to refine your radar and recognise red flags. And strengthen your boundaries.

I'm going through that - "I know he's an addict, but maybe I'm labelling someone with something extra and it's not what it seems" 🤔... and various other things that make me question if I'm being too hard on him. Is that even normal? I feel like I'm going crazy! 😢

I'm having a particularly bad day today.

I've cried on and off for the best part and almost gave in and made contact earlier... Yikes!

So I wrote my journal and read a book to distract myself from doing so and reached out to a few friends to keep me straight, but it's getting harder as I go through NC.

I feel like I'll never be able to love again.

I feel I can never trust a man again and I literally recoil now if one even approaches.

I just stay at home, avoid everything, all while I just miss the sh*t out if the man I loved.

I'm afraid of everyone because I'm afraid I'll get hurt again, even if I simply make friends!! All because I k or I don't want to have to endure this pain again.

I really don't think I can do this again.

It's insanity, but it's happening and I just want off the crazy train.

I feel like I'll never be able to love again.

I feel I can never trust a man again

You will D1. Of course you will love again. You are going through a difficult bereavement, because that is what it is. Perhaps you are even grieving for yourself.

You can't lump all men in the same group. There is a certain percentage of disordered individuals out there, but a greater percentage of decent folks.

Yes Hermes, I am grieving a childhood that lead me down this road of misery.

I honestly feel like I'll be alone for the rest of my life because I'm not going to be able to trust again and we all know that there's no love without trust.

I know it's wrong to lump all men in the danger zone, but this is truly a reflection of how scared I feel that I may make a mistake again.

I just hit my 40's and swore if this didnt work with my best friend, then nothing would. I'd be done! And despite feeling alone and scared, I'd choose that over feeling this pain again, any day.

Sounds familiar. Sorry you are going through this. EMDR therapy may do a lot more for your healing in much less time than any reading or talk therapy. There are also actually inpatient rehab treatment paths for codependency, love addiction. Same places that treat more obvious "normal" addictions.

Don't fault yourself for choosing or enduring this person. You're not alone, and despite what support boards and forums seem to say, the person you were with wasn't all bad. Just another human being with some deep unresolved pain that wasn't yours to fix.

I was involved with this type for a long time, recently NC, and just last week contemplated suicide. Which is stupid. So just know that whatever awful feelings you have about this, or your ex-partner, or the relationship, or what's ahead for you in this life -- and no matter how endless the hurt seems or how deep and painful it is -- those feelings are always going to PASS. You have the strength to ride out ALL of it, and from a few years older than you and a little time ahead of you in recovering from pathological relationship, I want you to know that this is all surmountable, even when in the moment it feels like it's not.

The feelings all do pass. Grieve the way you need to grieve. But it's possible that part of healing from any loss is allowing yourself to feel good, and even about things that have nothing to do with that part of your life. What I'm saying is that at some point it feels better and is perfectly ok, for you to choose not to think of it anymore. That's why I recommend EMDR: you want to move on, not stay stuck in the topic with a therapist, books, forums, and endless discussion about the confusion or pain.

Make the choice to be happy. Grieve, but keep living. I'm in that place too, where I don't see how I could ever venture my heart again, but you have to trust that love is always coming. And it will. Grieve, but stay true to the happy core in you: nurture it. It's ok to heal, to be happy again, and to be on your own for a while.

Thank you so much to everyone who is contributing to this thread. It is helping in ways you wouldn't believe.

Please keep sharing whatever advice, books, links you feel may help. I really need it.

 

Dear Waraqqa, reading your story made me cry!

It's so cruel how these people effect others and the pain I can see we all have gone through and crossed here is just... So sad.

 

I'm plagued by bad dreams of him and wake crying.

Like you, I am unsure of people's intentions and I'm so scared to socialise in case I come across another of his "type"... I guess I have a long way to go.

I just want to hide at home and cry.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story and offering to help. All of you are amazing and I really do appreciate all of your comments and advice. Dx

I've come a long way from here and I echo Warraqa's experiences. I was so hypervigilant I saw crazy and abuse when it wasn't even there.

I think one of the turning points for me was that I realized I was putting all my focus into whether or not the person was disordered or like my ex and if I could trust him.

The `ah hah' moment is when I realized all that energy was better spend learning to trust myself.

Trust that I can take care of myself, make better choices and know when to leave, when to stay and that no matter what, I will be ok.

Because in reality, even the best choice in a partner can disappoint you.

On hypervigilance after pathological relationship: Do notice in your daily random interactions with others, what about the interaction is different and better than (easier/safer/kinder than) interaction with your former partner. Every interaction is an opportunity to realize people are not all like that.

Part of my problem after toxic relationship was that nice people all were so boring. Not that I wanted open weird drama or July Fourth fireworks out of anyone, ever, but having got used to that, I didn't feel even remotely drawn to anyone who didn't have or elicit a similar zing. Just know that your brain has been both altered and injured by whatever abuses you went through. It takes a good deal of time to heal and repattern your pathways. Your peace is paramount. And you will ultimately heal.

Well said Eidetic.

"It takes a good deal of time to heal and repattern your pathways. Your peace is paramount. And you will ultimately heal."

The blessed common light of day at first will seem so "boring" after the garish technicolour of the heightened drama of life with the crazy-making.

Again, thank you all so much for the advice and encouragement. It really is meaning the world to me right now.

I understand so much of what you express here, even the suicidal thoughts and very close call to acting that out.

Having ventured there, I recovered enough now to think, others don't deserve to suffer and hurt, just because I am. Depression and other mental illness is awful. You can feel so alone even when you're surrounded by loving and supportive people. Stigma, ridicule, embarrassment and fear of judgement, all hold most sufferers back from reaching out. It's sad but true.

Thank heavens for places like this where people can help others realise they're not alone and if you speak up, they will come to help...

You're all amazing and incredibly brave and I thank you again for sharing your very personal stories.

Dx

Now. . years later I find my tolerance for drama is so low that I need to check out.

Even in my work environment or with friends, strong personalities or conflict can cause me to retreat for a day of silence just to get my balance back.

Now. . years later I find my tolerance for drama is so low that I need to check out.

Even in my work environment or with friends, strong personalities or conflict can cause me to retreat for a day of silence just to get my balance back.

I'm having this already I think...

Being around people who are particularly emotionally elevated, seem to drain whatever resources I have.

My ex used to make me feel like this sometimes. Either euphoric, or completely drained... Like a bipolar shift, only it's not that at all.

Amazing how other people can effect our own functioning.

Just for kicks, check out "Human Design". I don't know how much stock to put in it but if you are a Projector type, you'll naturally need to conserve your energy and say no to such people/dramatics.

Regardless, gentleness and accord are what you need during healing, and healing does take time. It's true of any loss, but after pathological/abusive relationship, you need to be gentle and concertedly good with yourself. It's said that it takes about two years to recover from this type of relationship. I don't think it matters how long the relationship was; trauma is trauma, and it's a little more complex than what anyone might call "ordinary" breakup grief. Personally I think any breakup merits about two years of healing, but I also do know that abuse situations are a different and (if possible) more painful scenario.

I'm rooting for you.

I won't play a role I'm not (psychologist) and diagnose my ex as a narcissist - I think that while she ticks many of the boxes and my therapist said she did, that many people toss labels at people that they're not qualitfied to toss, most likely because it gives them comfort. If your ex wasn't sitting there with you in therapy to be diagnosed, what gives you the right to label them definitively, is my mindframe?

That said, I attended therapy for ten months after leaving my ex. I actually had never been on meds (or had my first actual panic attack) until about halfway through my relationship with her, and in hindsight that should have told me something. I went off the meds about 3 months after starting (while I was with her). I left therapy after said ten months once my therapist asked me to tell him about the good times with me and my ex, after I had expressly told him the good times were what tempted me to go back. I didn't want to walk that road again.

As far as medication AFTER the relationship, I drank. A LOT. I started to down 2-3 gin and tonics BEFORE work and 6-7 after, and while I could play "cool" and say I guess I can handle my liquor, looking back it was an absolute miracle nobody noticed. I quit drinking completely for a few months and wavered on and off since then, but I've got it way more under control than I used to, which is a step forward to me. The drinking had never been an issue before my ex, but she was/likely still is a BIG drinker (in addition to her pill habit) and living with her, it rubbed off on me. Totally my own fault as she never put a gun to my head.

My therapist - even when I asked him to diagnose me - said I was completely normal. I know I have some form of PTSD due to the abuse, as I keep reliving parts of the relationship in my head while awake and even in dreams. Even moreso if I choose to drink that night.

As far as longing for an apology or change, you can forget about it. Especially if the person was toxic, I absolutely guarantee you will doubt any apology or change that could (not likely) come, no matter how much you (want to) believe it on the outside.

I'm sorry I can't be more positive but only time can heal.