Life after the addict/narcissistic personality...

[Waraqqa]

Well said Eidetic.

 

"It takes a good deal of time to heal and repattern your pathways. Your peace is paramount. And you will ultimately heal."

 

The blessed common light of day at first will seem so "boring" after the garish technicolour of the heightened drama of life with the crazy-making.

 

That is true, and well-said, indeed. I think part of me was also addicted to the drama and constant suspense. I remember last march when the narc was trying to hoover me back in, I KNEW I didn't want to be with him anymore or even be friends with him, as I didn't trust him anymore - but at the same time, there was this weird excitement fighting over email, deciphering through his word salad, and trying to anticipate a manipulative action. He succeeding in playing with me and even though in the end I said no, I went away feeling like e about myself. When faced with a rejection, he was very skillful at turning some small thing I said against myself.

 

Hence NC is so important:

1) it helps you avoid the toxicity and helps you to detach.

2) it helps you get weened off the "high" that sometimes one gets from the drama and intensity.

 

Also, you feel like you still love him, but the brain often confuses love with intensity. Since psychologically abusive relationships, and various hot-n-cold stuff tends to be intense, our own brains may lie to us. We feel drawn, as if smth could be resolved, but it can be just a very strong addiction and adrenaline. The adrenaline can also be produced out of false hope, when we delusionally think that we can change them or have their love again (whereas in reality it may never have been love in the first place).

[D1mps]

Seymore - My ex was a diagnosed sex addict who attended counselling (only three sessions), then quit when the therapist first mentioned sociopathy as a possible underlying contributor to his issues.

It was later (through my own psychologist), that the first suggestion of NPD came up.

This was after them listening to substantial amounts of voice messages, reading written messages and letters etc.

 

I did state in previous posts here, that I felt bad for anyone 'labelling' my ex without him having his own stint in therapy and I would never point a finger without just cause to do so.

 

My ex also attended SAA meetings and even then, it became apparent that none of the other fellowship members, could relate and identify with some of the issues my ex was dealing with.

He knew himself something was wrong and it's went beyond simple addiction. My psychologist heard this in session via a confession from a voice message he sent to me. He was/is a very troubled soul.

 

Obviously, this is all very personal and I won't tell everyone every detail, but I do hope that clarifies your question on what lead anyone to this conclusion.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and offering your advice and story. It is well appreciated.

 

Be sound.

[LaHermes]

Indeed, D!. And this is a kind way of putting it!

 

"He was is a very troubled soul.

"

[Waraqqa]

I've come a long way from here and I echo Warraqa's experiences. I was so hypervigilant I saw crazy and abuse when it wasn't even there.

 

I think one of the turning points for me was that I realized I was putting all my focus into whether or not the person was disordered or like my ex and if I could trust him.

 

The `ah hah' moment is when I realized all that energy was better spend learning to trust myself.

 

Trust that I can take care of myself, make better choices and know when to leave, when to stay and that no matter what, I will be ok.

Because in reality, even the best choice in a partner can disappoint you.

 

Reinventmyself, you are so right!

 

My post-narc hypervigilance and overprotectiveness led me to entirely misinterpret the next boyfriend's thoughts and actions when our long-distance phase started. Since I was sexually used before, part of me had assumed the new BF did the same thing, - and I accused him of having taken advantage of me (whilst it was absolutely not the case). He was shocked and mortified, and it killed his feelings for me (since as a normal guy he would never want to "take advantage" of someone). So, my PTSD knee-jerk reactions resulted in horrible judgement and losing a wonderful person.

 

Reinventyourself touched on an important point: one should focus on one's own needs and boundaries, being true to oneself, etc. Instead, I was completely caught up in over-analysing The Other. First, I continued my people-pleasing tendencies, and then jerked into some stupid attempt to retroactively "stand up for myself" or punish the other when there was no need.

 

It is like slowly waking up from a nightmare and wondering: what the heck was wrong with me? I pretty much felt like I, an abused, turned into an abuser.

 

With the narc, I got into a bad pattern whereby love became a warfield, a zero-sum game, where if one person gains, the other has to lose. With that kind of a pattern, naturally I messed up the next r-ship. It is so hard to reprogramme the brain and be loving to oneself whilst kind to others.

 

It is sad, because I felt as if I had "caught" this NPD "virus" and took on some of the narc's tendencies - a big yet oversensitive ego, needing to win, bitterness.

 

Weirdly, after the new guy, I feel like my moral compass and judgement have somewhat readjusted to a previous norm, but at what cost!

[Waraqqa]

Indeed, D!. And this is a kind way of putting it!

 

"He was is a very troubled soul.

"

 

They are indeed troubled. I'm not particularly religious, but I recall Jesus's words when he prayed for those who crucified him "Forgive them, for they know not what they are doing". I think it is true. Some people are extremely lost within themselves.

 

I think it is a good way to go - finding even an ounce of compassion for that person rather than hating them or being angry. One of my therapists said that hate or anger are attaching emotions, but sadness isn't.