Need help

So... my husband and I are separated after he cheated and lied to me. He hid a lot from me, and this wasn't the first time. When we were first dating he cheated and lied a lot. Also, he has severe Ptsd. And before he wanted an open relationship and threesome.

So, he texts me alot saying he will change, he is getting therapy, he wants to do couple therapy, he says he needs me, and he will do anything to get me back. I told him I want a completely monogamous relationships, and told him that if he can't do that.. i dont want him. He said he doesn't need anyone else, and can be completely monogamous.

I'm on the fence about letting him back into my life. I cannot trust him, but can trust be rebuilt? Will therapy and ptsd treatment help? Would I be making a mistake with getting back with him, or should I try again with therapy this time?

He cheated and lied while you were dating, while you were married and then suggested an open relationship and threesomes. Unless you are ok with him seeing other women either openly or behind your back, proceed with the divorce.

Is he a sex addict? He's begging because he doesn't want an expensive messy divorce and enjoyed the status quo of the passive wife at home while he prowls around. No it's not ptsd, it's sex. Is that the drivel he told you? It's his ptsd making him cheat?

Is he lying about all these changes and this great epiphany he's had or is separating just a coincidence? Why didn't he stop prowling and cheating while you were married? talk to your divorce attorney and get therapy alone. to get a clearer picture.. and come out of denial. The denial serves him quite well, but how is it helping you?

Marriage therapy would be him putting on a contrite act and nodding 'yes i was wrong' ...then he can not face divorce and go back to prowling for other women.

my husband and I are separated after he cheated and lied to me. And before he wanted an open relationship and threesome. I'm on the fence about letting him back into my life.

Action speaks louder than words and talk is cheap.

He's proven that he has lied and cheated numerous times in the past (not a fun ordeal for you).

Deep down, do you really think he is capable and will change? I think as Wiseman2 points out...he likes the stability and doesn't want the expensive and messy divorce.

I do find myself 100% agreeing with you

The fact that he's been cheating since you first began dating seems to point to, "what you see is what you get." He's had plenty of time to address his issues, yet now and only now that he's backed into a corner, he's starting to squirm.

Of course this is your call but as I'm sure you're well aware of, the odds are highly stacked against you.

How long has he been in therapy? Effective treatment takes a long time, like 1-2 years for fundamental changes to happen. The person may need to continue on more casually with counseling support for life to maintain those changes.

If it's just been a few months, it's nothing more than frantic promises to avoid divorce. The truth of those promises remains to be seen. Whether you are willing to stick around or are ready to free yourself and move on, only you know. If you are willing to give change a chance, then you shouldn't be taking him back any time soon, should remain separated, but be willing to join him in some of the therapy sessions and see how things go slowly and carefully. Also, you do need to figure out if you are able to get past the trust issues or not.

The trust thing is actually on you in that either you are able to let go or you cannot and need to part ways. You don't want to get into a situation where you are forever punishing the other person for the past (even though they deserve it) and start acting like a parole officer, constantly on guard. That's not healthy for either one of you and will ultimately kill your relationship anyway, even if he fixes his issues.

The trust thing is actually on you in that either you are able to let go or you cannot and need to part ways. You don't want to get into a situation where you are forever punishing the other person for the past (even though they deserve it) and start acting like a parole officer, constantly on guard. That's not healthy for either one of you and will ultimately kill your relationship anyway, even if he fixes his issues.

OP, read the above paragraph out loud. Sage advice that is.

I'd absolutely be true to yourself. If there is any doubt that you can't forgive him or any question in your mind that he can change. Then save yourself the long heartache and let go.

Look, some people simply cannot be monogamous or honest. It isn't built into them or their moral compass is broken or whatever, blah blah blah. But they can no more be honest and monogamous than you can be a liar and a cheat. And this guy has shown over and over and over that he can't. Words are cheap, real action means long-term as in it will take years of therapy and proving himself and more damage to your self-esteem than you've already had. And really when he's complacent, when he's said or done whatever he has to do to get you back, do you really believe a chronic cheater and liar can just up and magically obtain the standards you have? That you didn't need therapy or blank promises to fix?

The fact is as Wiseman points out, it is not that he wants to be a faithful honest partner, but more likely that he will simply lose the comfortable life he has with a woman he already knows he can gaslight into continuing to put up with him. Much easier than the whole struggle to find someone else who will.

I would suggest that you tell him he's got to stay in therapy and prove it for a year and do some really had amends, not words, but physical actions. And make sure it's something that will cost him dearly to do that isn't a you have to now monitor him. No "you can look at all my emails, have my passwords, etc." because you should not have to be a mother to a grown man like he's some kid repeatedly trying to sneak off to a concert somewhere. IF he were willing to do that and could go a year of doing that I might say maybe it would work.

BUT this also requires massive change on your part. Change of the, "What's sauce for the gander is now sauce for the goose." Meaning you make him pay for a complete makeover, a new wardrobe and you tell him you're going to start going out with other men. That if he wants to be with other people, two can play at that game and if it's an open relationship he wanted, you have just given him that. But it means you will no longer stay at home to fix him supper or even clean. Yeah, tell him he now has to pay for maid service, since you're on strike indefinitely. He wants clean clothes? He does his own laundry. He wants a home-cooked meal? How about he do that for you and you won't, because you're going back to school/taking up dance lessons/at the gym/ headed out to go to a nightclub etc. etc. etc.

And you, yes you, need to go get your own therapy and explore the idea of why you'd stay with someone, even marry him, when you knew he was so unstable and was never going to be a faithful partner from the get-go. Even now you're trying to find reasons to stay and give him yet another pass, but dang how many times does he have to do that? Didn't he promise each of those other times he'd never cheat again? Didn't he promise you marriage would change him and he'd never cheat again? Didn't he try to get you to agree to him being allowed to sleep with other women, specifically and only so he could cheat and not get caught? Do you think he'd have been honest about that? No, he'd have said, "I never met this woman before, but now that you've agreed to an open marriage, it's all above board and I'm not doing anything wrong here."

This is where I think you need to explore codependency and self-esteem and respect issues that you have. His problem is he's a liar and a cheat, your problem is you think that's the only relationship you can have. It's oil and water and they don't mix, both just get dirty and useless kind of like this whole relationship from what you've posted here. Infidelity and dishonesty beyond a one-time screwup will do that, are not ever going to be a foundation you can build upon.

Or you could just simply admit much as you love the guy, it's not a rational love and it's doing you no favors, so you move ahead with the divorce. Tell him he's just saying the same tired lines he has always told you, and you're done. That you now want to explore the world without having a ball and chain to hold you down, thank you for the lessons he gave you about what you do and don't want in a relationship, and you proceed full throttle with the divorce. While not letting him stay in the house and you dump him and move on and build up your own life with your own accomplishments, your own therapy to get you back on your feet, and a brand new lease on life that doesn't tie your happiness and entire reason for being to a man. Any man. But especially one that is just a really good liar and cheater from all accounts.

And if you think it's going to be any different now than all the other times, I'm going to tell you my ex did that to me six times. And still years later, me married to someone else, totally over him, he will periodically call from some new number not blocked to beg that this seventh time he won't cheat again. He promises. But he did it to at least two women after me, I'm sure he's still doing it. And it is not my problem any more. I finally had enough, walked away, got my life and self-respect back. The only thing I have ever regretted out of the entire relationship is I didn't leave sooner. Like after the first red flag instead of the thousandth.

Life does go on without them. You do recover IF you give yourself a chance for a change, instead of them. People who are toxic and/or abusive ARE replaceable. And that's something you will hopefully learn, sooner rather than too late.

Look, some people simply cannot be monogamous or honest. It isn't built into them or their moral compass is broken or whatever, blah blah blah. But they can no more be honest and monogamous than you can be a liar and a cheat. And this guy has shown over and over and over that he can't. Words are cheap, real action means long-term as in it will take years of therapy and proving himself and more damage to your self-esteem than you've already had. And really when he's complacent, when he's said or done whatever he has to do to get you back, do you really believe a chronic cheater and liar can just up and magically obtain the standards you have? That you didn't need therapy or blank promises to fix?

 

The fact is as Wiseman points out, it is not that he wants to be a faithful honest partner, but more likely that he will simply lose the comfortable life he has with a woman he already knows he can gaslight into continuing to put up with him. Much easier than the whole struggle to find someone else who will.

 

I would suggest that you tell him he's got to stay in therapy and prove it for a year and do some really had amends, not words, but physical actions. And make sure it's something that will cost him dearly to do that isn't a you have to now monitor him. No "you can look at all my emails, have my passwords, etc." because you should not have to be a mother to a grown man like he's some kid repeatedly trying to sneak off to a concert somewhere. IF he were willing to do that and could go a year of doing that I might say maybe it would work.

 

BUT this also requires massive change on your part. Change of the, "What's sauce for the gander is now sauce for the goose." Meaning you make him pay for a complete makeover, a new wardrobe and you tell him you're going to start going out with other men. That if he wants to be with other people, two can play at that game and if it's an open relationship he wanted, you have just given him that. But it means you will no longer stay at home to fix him supper or even clean. Yeah, tell him he now has to pay for maid service, since you're on strike indefinitely. He wants clean clothes? He does his own laundry. He wants a home-cooked meal? How about he do that for you and you won't, because you're going back to school/taking up dance lessons/at the gym/ headed out to go to a nightclub etc. etc. etc.

 

And you, yes you, need to go get your own therapy and explore the idea of why you'd stay with someone, even marry him, when you knew he was so unstable and was never going to be a faithful partner from the get-go. Even now you're trying to find reasons to stay and give him yet another pass, but dang how many times does he have to do that? Didn't he promise each of those other times he'd never cheat again? Didn't he promise you marriage would change him and he'd never cheat again? Didn't he try to get you to agree to him being allowed to sleep with other women, specifically and only so he could cheat and not get caught? Do you think he'd have been honest about that? No, he'd have said, "I never met this woman before, but now that you've agreed to an open marriage, it's all above board and I'm not doing anything wrong here."

 

This is where I think you need to explore codependency and self-esteem and respect issues that you have. His problem is he's a liar and a cheat, your problem is you think that's the only relationship you can have. It's oil and water and they don't mix, both just get dirty and useless kind of like this whole relationship from what you've posted here. Infidelity and dishonesty beyond a one-time screwup will do that, are not ever going to be a foundation you can build upon.

 

Or you could just simply admit much as you love the guy, it's not a rational love and it's doing you no favors, so you move ahead with the divorce. Tell him he's just saying the same tired lines he has always told you, and you're done. That you now want to explore the world without having a ball and chain to hold you down, thank you for the lessons he gave you about what you do and don't want in a relationship, and you proceed full throttle with the divorce. While not letting him stay in the house and you dump him and move on and build up your own life with your own accomplishments, your own therapy to get you back on your feet, and a brand new lease on life that doesn't tie your happiness and entire reason for being to a man. Any man. But especially one that is just a really good liar and cheater from all accounts.

 

And if you think it's going to be any different now than all the other times, I'm going to tell you my ex did that to me six times. And still years later, me married to someone else, totally over him, he will periodically call from some new number not blocked to beg that this seventh time he won't cheat again. He promises. But he did it to at least two women after me, I'm sure he's still doing it. And it is not my problem any more. I finally had enough, walked away, got my life and self-respect back. The only thing I have ever regretted out of the entire relationship is I didn't leave sooner. Like after the first red flag instead of the thousandth.

 

Life does go on without them. You do recover IF you give yourself a chance for a change, instead of them. People who are toxic and/or abusive ARE replaceable. And that's something you will hopefully learn, sooner rather than too late.

I completely agree with you. I went to the lawyer.. and filed paperwork. So now I'm struggling with telling him.. how do I go about that? When is the right time?