My situation with my ex wife

So me and my wife are now split after 3 years of marriage and a beatiful son.

The break-up being her choice as she loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me anymore. She also wanted to find herself again apparently,

Honestly it was the single worst feeling of my life, I'd put everything into our marriage and honestly mounded my life around her and my son.

After this happening of course I went through all the stages and of course organising how I would see my son etc all of which was kind of messy but got sorted.

After 2 months she get with a new guy and straight into a relationship they go. I need this isn't the guys fault but I can't help but take a dislike to him. He's a little older than her with a son.

So anyway 6 months goes by and I still love her but it's not the ruler of my life and I except this and concentrate on my son and myself. I can't avoid her or NC because we have a son so it makes it harder to get closure.

She then starts calling me when she needs my support if her relationship with the new guy is going bad or they are arguing or he can't do what she wants him to do. So I'm there aren't I because I'm still besotted by her.

Eventually one night she rings me as she's going out and she'd like me drop her off with her friend. So I do, I knew straight away that id be getting a call later on for a pick up. Then it's happens and I drop her home and one thing leads to anther.

The next day was horrible as she just had regret and said we can't be doing that etc. This of course breaks my heart because I want her so badly.

We then agree to distance ourselves again and she's deleted me from social media etc but I do have to see her to pick my son up.

I'm back to square one and hurting again and I don't know where j stand anymore. It would be helpful if someone could advise me on where I go from here because I'm so blinded at the moment?

Buddy stop being this lady's go to guy. She made her own decisicion. I know my started threads some are are wishy washy. But I'm not a pushover. You shouldn't be either. One of my regrets when I moved out. I helped her get a bed so she would have a place to sleep. I wish I never did wish I just walked. I even flat out said guess I'm the nicest guy on this earth while I was doing it. Be there for the child that's all. She's with other men that's way more then enough. If she knows you will be there the hurt will never end. Good luck.

Clearly you have not accepted the break up and you are not over her. That must be very hard. After 3 years you should be much further ahead than this.

You need to STOP being there for her. She has a man. She has friends. You are the ex and father of her child. The problems is you are trying to play a different role. Realize what your role is and do that, nothing more.

Your feeling...look you can't fight them, they are there until one day..they're not. But you can control your actions. You can control whether she takes advantage or not, you can control how long you want this to go on...

Clearly you have not accepted the break up and you are not over her. That must be very hard. After 3 years you should be much further ahead than this.

You need to STOP being there for her. She has a man. She has friends. You are the ex and father of her child. The problems is you are trying to play a different role. Realize what your role is and do that, nothing more.

Your feeling...look you can't fight them, they are there until one day..they're not. But you can control your actions. You can control whether she takes advantage or not, you can control how long you want this to go on...

Yeah, it has taken some time for me to come to terms with this.

It's just so hard saying no when she says she misses me and she loves me.

I feel like she's intentionally prolonging my pain to keep me there just incase it all fails with her new guy.

You want her back and still love her (and that is really hard to get past) but the main problem is that the feeling isn't mutual.

If she went through all those many steps to get divorced, it was planned and executed for finality.

You should be "plan A" in a healthy relationship She wants to keep you as a "plan B" and that is a brutal way to live.

Do everyone a favor and maintain to be good co-parents and that's it!. She is doing more damage to you, AND especially your son.

You want her back and still love her (and that is really hard to get past) but the main problem is that the feeling isn't mutual.

If she went through all those many steps to get divorced, it was planned and executed for finality.

 

You should be "plan A" in a healthy relationship She wants to keep you as a "plan B" and that is a brutal way to live.

 

Do everyone a favor and maintain to be good co-parents and that's it!. She is doing more damage to you, AND especially your son.

Yeah you're completely right and we have divorced yet so we haven't been through this process. I really don't think I'm strong enough to think about it at the moment. She hasn't facilitated it too so it's not happening.

It's just hard when I have to see her and speak to her. I just wish I could fast forward time

So let me tell you straight out what really happened.

She didn't all of a sudden fall out of love with you. One of the oldest lines in the book is the "I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you" it is total BS. The fact that she had a new guy and in a relationship with him so quickly means she had eyes on him and knew she had a soft place to land before she pulled the trigger on you. The way she keeps you on a short leash tells us that she likes to be sure she has someone before she does anything else. Also the "I need to find myself" line it also total BS. Where did she find herself? In the arms of another man is where.

She knows you still love her so she is using you like an emotional tampon and you need to put a stop to it today! Yes you need to see her very briefly when you pick up your son but seriously how long is that? One minute? Don't make eye contact with her and focus on your son and his backpack. Keep it all business and no small talk.

If you want to heal you need to cut her loose completely and if you want her back you have to cut her loose completely. How is she going to miss you if you are a phone call away all the time. You have prolonged the pain not her, you have allowed this to happen again and again. She is just using you and you go along because she throws you crumbs.

Stop being a doormat, make all communications ONLY about your son, make a set schedule and stick to it as much as possible and in a few weeks you will start to feel better. You are in complete control of your healing...

Lost

Stop giving her the benefit of a relationship, without the relationship. You are not her counselor and personal taxi service. You have put yourself in the doormat zone.

So let me tell you straight out what really happened.

 

She didn't all of a sudden fall out of love with you. One of the oldest lines in the book is the "I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you" it is total BS. The fact that she had a new guy and in a relationship with him so quickly means she had eyes on him and knew she had a soft place to land before she pulled the trigger on you. The way she keeps you on a short leash tells us that she likes to be sure she has someone before she does anything else. Also the "I need to find myself" line it also total BS. Where did she find herself? In the arms of another man is where.

 

She knows you still love her so she is using you like an emotional tampon and you need to put a stop to it today! Yes you need to see her very briefly when you pick up your son but seriously how long is that? One minute? Don't make eye contact with her and focus on your son and his backpack. Keep it all business and no small talk.

 

If you want to heal you need to cut her loose completely and if you want her back you have to cut her loose completely. How is she going to miss you if you are a phone call away all the time. You have prolonged the pain not her, you have allowed this to happen again and again. She is just using you and you go along because she throws you crumbs.

 

Stop being a doormat, make all communications ONLY about your son, make a set schedule and stick to it as much as possible and in a few weeks you will start to feel better. You are in complete control of your healing...

 

Lost

This is really helpful thank you, I'm not sure why but it's an eye opener having a good slap round the face.

I need to be confident in front of her because I feel like a sap at the moment and I can see that's not helping me or the way I look.

The schedule is there but I need to mould it right, once I focus on my son it all goes away. I think this will definitely give me some closure.

Thank you for this

Stop giving her the benefit of a relationship, without the relationship. You are not her counselor and personal taxi service. You have put yourself in the doormat zone.

Thank you, I realise this now. It's hard but I know I need to say no. I've always been there for her and I can't help but want to take care of her like my son.

I need to stop, I don't want to be in this situation anymore

She then starts calling me when she needs my support if her relationship with the new guy is going bad or they are arguing or he can't do what she wants him to do. So I'm there aren't I because I'm still besotted by her.

- This is where it all went wrong

You can NOT be an ex's 'friend'.. or fall back. Don't let her use you!

She's moved on? Then let her...

You need to worry about YOU now and your child.

She's deleted you? Good.. cause now you can re-focus on yourself & your life.

Now.. start again and move on... no matter how hard it is. Been there.. I know, it stings but trailing her sill do YOU no good... right?

Respect Yourself from here on.