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My Dad has given up on life


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So about 10 years ago my Mother died of cancer. My Dad is now in his 70's and over that past 10 years he has just given up on life.

 

- He no longer leaves the house except once or twice a week with my sister to run some errands/go to a doctors appointment/do some grocery shopping.

 

- He no longer drives, which I think is largely due to cataracts he refuses to get treated. He does the absolute bear minimum in terms of self care.

 

- His diet is appalling - mostly junk food. My sister and myself give him frozen meals we've prepared but he never eats them. I've asked him what he would like to have, because I want him to get at least one proper meal a day but he doesn't suggest anything. Ironically, he spends hundreds of dollars on ridiculous health supplements. Even if they did work, their benefits would be negated by the fact that his diet is rubbish.

 

- His physical health is abysmal. He has put on a tonne of weight over the last few years. He has a massive gut and the rest of his body is skinny. He also smokes a ridiculous amount, despite having a heart condition. He hides this from me, despite the fact that it is blatantly obvious.

 

- He refuses to participate in social events such as day outings and coffee that is run by a local organisation. He spents most of his days sitting in a chair doing nothing. I offer to take him out places when I have the chance, and he refuses and makes up some excuse about his legs being sore. He never had any friends and was totally devoted to my mum and me and my siblings.

 

- He gets a lot of joy from seeing my sister's children, but they hardly ever seen him anymore despite living in the same city. My sister only contacts him when she's in trouble and needs bailing out financially, and only sees him on christmas.

 

- He refuses to go into an aged home, or have people to come to his home and care for him.

 

- Whenever you try and have a serious conversation with him about things, he refuses to talk about it or just responds flippantly.

 

I never saw my grandparents grow old due to them remaining in my family's home country. Is this normal aging? I know he's old, but I feel like he's completely given up on life and is just waiting to die. It upsets me that his life has become like this, but he's so stubborn about his life remaining like this. How do I accept this is it for him? What do I do?

 

Sorry for the long post

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I'm so sorry. It must be hard watching him do this to himself

 

It sounds to me like he is suffering from depression. The time may come when, for the sake of his health and safety, you and your siblings will need to step in and mandate that he be moved to a care facility.

 

There are support groups for those involved in the care of aging parents. I'd suggest finding one in your area so you can get some good advice and emotional support.

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Thanks for the reply.

 

He definitely does have depression. He's never been the same since my Mum died. His life ended the day her life ended. I've tried to discuss depression with him, as I also have depression, but he's incapable of having meaningful conversations about how his life is.

 

I organised an assessment and a woman came down to see what support he required. He told her that he was able to do everything and didn't want any support. I don't want to force him to do anything, especially making that call on my own. He doesn't want to go to a care facility. He wants to keep living in his house. My siblings don't seem to be bothered by the direction his life is going in (or have given up caring).

 

I feel resentful towards him for just giving up like this. I think he'll be dead in a few years the way this is going. I just want him to live the remaining time he has decently.

 

I'll have to seek out someone like you've suggested. I have no experience with aging. I've never known an elderly person. I don't know what is a normal part of aging and what is within his control or can be helped.

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As each of my parents aged (at different times, they were divorced) they withdrew more from outside life, hung out more in their chairs, continued old unhealthy eating habits, seemed to lack motivation…so somewhat like your father. Not all people age this way, but some may feel limited due to health, pain, depression, changes in the outside world, and so on. It is very hard to watch parents age.

 

You might ask him if he's given up. Or get him to talk about his past, about things that once inspired and motivated him.

 

How would you like to see him behave?

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I want him to live as happy, active, healthy life as possible in whatever amount of time he has left. I don't want him to be lonely. I don't want him to be miserable. I don't want him to have health problems that can be avoided. I don't want him to be completely housebound.

 

I've tried to talk to him about it, but he only really talks about personal stuff with my oldest sister. My siblings have turned it on me, and claimed that I only care because it is affecting me and that I'm selfish. Yes, the thought of my Dad dying or leading a miserable life does affect me. So I think it is a little harsh to be told that caring about my Dad is selfish.

 

As I've said, I have no experience with aging. I just think this decline is partially self inflicted and is going to shorten his remaining years considerably.

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Is he actually miserable? Has he said so?

 

He has depression and was on medication, but stopped because it was making him tired.

 

He told my sister that not being able to do the things he used to do and not going out as much was getting him down.

 

I know from personal experience that being down becomes habitual and doing positive things for yourself becomes too much effort despite hating your current situation.

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It sounds like he has quite a bit of fight left in him because he seems to have the energy to do things as he sees fit and be stubborn enough to put his foot down about it.

 

Yes it's hard for people with multi-system health problems to move about. He may feel sitting a home watching tv with the kids/grand-kids visiting now and then is enough.

 

He's retired, has lived a long life, has had a wife, family, etc. so may feel he's done a lot of what he wanted to do. A lot of seniors get stuck in their ways and comfortable with their routines. He may feel at his age he's not trying out for the Olympics or needs to work to support a family so if he wants to eat junk he may feel it's what he wants to do now.

My Dad is now in his 70's.

He no longer drives, which I think is largely due to cataracts he refuses to get treated.

His physical health is abysmal. He has put on a tonne of weight over the last few years.

He also smokes a ridiculous amount, despite having a heart condition.

He spents most of his days sitting in a chair doing nothing.

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I am sorry. I have no words of wisdom because my father is the same. I live hours from my dad so there is nothing I can do for him.

Just know you have my sympathy.

 

Thanks. I guess I'll just have to accept it. He's cognitively in pretty good shape and of sound mind, so he is able to take responsibility for his actions.

 

I just hate watching him in this decline. I can't see any of these things helping him live for more than a few years, and obviously I'd like my Dad to live as long as possible.

 

Is your Dad in care or does he live by himself?

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I think that you need to accept that he is being himself. Even when he was younger, if he never made an effort to have friends, a social life, etc and only socialized with your mum, then this is who he is. He is not social, he doesn't want to be, and he had never wanted to be at any age.

 

Be careful that you don't project your desires and ideas of what is good to your father. He is just being himself and you trying to cajole him into being someone else is obviously being rebuffed. I'd take the hint and just support him as he is. At this point in his life, he isn't going to change.

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I think spending more time with him may be good(but be certain to keep your own mental health needs in mind, as obviously it's painful to see this). Would he play some chess or cards with you at his house? Just watch a movie together?

 

There's nothing you can do but be there, if he accepts that. Being that he is chronically depressed, I am sure the idea of any outing - Even a quick coffee- Sounds awful. It might be best to just join him in a game or a tv show for the time being. Perhaps one day he will be open to that coffee or something else. Maybe he won't. But I think if you can make a once a week father/son day together at his home, that might be good. No pressures. No discussions about his health/lifestyle, he's clearly dug his heels in the ground. Just some time together.

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Thanks. I guess I'll just have to accept it. He's cognitively in pretty good shape and of sound mind, so he is able to take responsibility for his actions.

 

I just hate watching him in this decline. I can't see any of these things helping him live for more than a few years, and obviously I'd like my Dad to live as long as possible.

 

Is your Dad in care or does he live by himself?

 

My dad lives in his own he can't afford any care whatsoever . He is poverty stricken. Severely mentally ill and in his last years. He is on dialysis . They give him 4 years at best. He is very physically ill. He was also a very abusive parent so even when I do help I get abuse for doing so. Like you I am stuck in a conundrum .

 

I think we do have to accept it is their life to live however they want . They are adults.

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I think you need to discover with him how much of these are his choices and how much is due to lack of motivation, depression etc. Small heart-to-heart sessions with no judgment, just listening first are the way to go here. Focusing on action also helps. For instance, if an elderly parent is complaining about something, it is better to guide the conversation to what they would like to do and how to achieve it instead of criticizing what they have been or have not been doing. Trying to connect them with a community group of peers or group talk therapy may also help - though sometimes it works better to avoid medical terms. I don't need anything etc are common phrases for them but it may be because they are not so used to seeking help in these things especially in old age. Pets always help my mother. At first she protests, shouts and whatnot, but after a bit of time they bond and the pet motivates a lot.

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This is so hard and my deepest empathy for you and your dad. One suggestion, how does he feel about animals? My mother is elderly, has Alzheimer's, and depression. I use her cat as a surrogate for communication and to keep her going when frankly there are days she just wants to lay in bed and go all but catatonic. BUT I tell her she needs to get up and feed her cat and play with her, because that cat loves her and will be lost without her. And it works. The cat has saved her from that, so much so that at one point when the cat collapsed on me I told the vet to do everything in his power, because it wasn't just the cat he would be saving, but my mother too. Fortunately kitty pulled out of it like a little champ and my mother, who barely responds to anything, hugged us both and cried that day in relief.

 

So yes, a pet. I'll leave it up to you to think on that, but more than one of my own beloved pets came to my door by way of a relative or friend simply showing up saying, "Can you take them for a few days, I just …(fill in excuse)" and that's how I've ended up with a cat or a dog or a ferret or a bird or a lot of animals I'd never have taken on my own.

 

It's something to think about. Or find another cause or purpose for him, because yes he has depression, but he also has no reason to get up in the mornings and to care for anyone else. As an elderly person that becomes very hard when you spent your life being there for others and suddenly you have no one.

 

This is just my two cents and dealing with my own mother. She also volunteers at our local senior center since she is still fairly nimble with knitting and so forth and there are a couple of ladies there with failing eyesight who ask her help on different projects. Never underestimate the power of the words, "Can you help me with this?"

 

And yes, at some point you and your sister will likely have to face added care, but before it gets to that stage an effort to see if you can get him to engage with a pet or as a volunteer might just help if you haven't done that previously. Also, how would your sister feel about having him babysit the grandkids more? Can you talk to her about that as well?

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