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Somethings amiss...HELP!


kara025

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Hi guys,

 

I have a confusing situation that I need help dissecting.

 

I have been dating "Z" for a little over 2 months (both in mid/late 30s, exclusive, but not yet committed). Right from the start, it was obvious that he was really into me. He called, he texted, he set up dates, he was thoughtful and caring and generous and consistent and emotionally expressive. Without any prompting, he told me that he stopped dating other girls after he met me (we met online) and we saw each other at least 2/week and spent multiple weekends together. There were some caution flags here and there (had ex-wife's silverware, not very sociable) that I was alert to but nothing to stop seeing him over until it proved to be a pattern. We always had a wonderful time together (he would tell me so in many more words afterwards) and always wanted to set up the next date before we parted. We clicked emotionally, intellectually, and physically. We hadn't yet run out of things to talk about but could even spend time together in silence. It was amazing and I felt the same way (and of course was just as expressive).

 

2 days ago, he texted me the usual "Good morning! How is your day going? Can't wait to see you tonight!" (we have art class together). I responded back with some tidbits from my day (I usually save most of the convo for in person) and a similar sentiment back to him. Everything in class seemed normal. We worked on our own things but also glanced at each other time to time to catch each others eye and smile. After class, we were walking to our cars and he turned to me and said "I have to tell you that I'm not in love with you and don't want to lead you on anymore." After some back and forth (he knows what being in love feels like, but is not sure why this isn't it) I know now from experience that it didn't matter what the reason was but what mattered was that he felt that way and there was no use continuing the conversation and we parted ways.

 

I haven't heard from him since and honestly have not been able to make sense of what has happened! One day he was extremely into me (we had even seen each other over the weekend and it was great; he had planned again to see me this upcoming wknd) and then suddenly he didn't want to see me at all?? I feel gutted. Something doesn't feel right and I can't put my finger on it. Usually when someone starts to loose interest, the consistency also falls away (along with the texts, mushy expressions, calls, and dates) but that didn't happen here!

 

Was hoping that everyone here can ask some questions that would help me gain a better understanding of this situation (I also might have left out some pertinent details; I'm doing this at work!). Of course, I know the outcome won't change but the monkey in my head won't stop chattering (a sign that the pieces don't make sense since I'm usually quick to accept someone telling me this early on that it won't work out).

 

Thanks in advance!

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Wow sorry this happened. Sounds like he either is trying to get back with the ex, met someone or just isn't ready for anything and got cold feet.

 

When did he break up with his ex?

he turned to me and said "I have to tell you that I'm not in love with you and don't want to lead you on anymore."
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They were married 10 years, I believe. She cut contact and left him almost 4 years ago now and they have been officially divorced for quite some time (I think 3 years).

 

When we first started dating, he was open about this. I had asked him if he was over her and he said "the past is past." I even asked if would get back together with her if she came back, and he said "no." Obviously people can just say things and lie to themselves, so maybe thats the case here.

 

I do know he said his ex father in law texted him on Thanksgiving, but he said he didn't respond.

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Sorry that this happened to you Kara025. It sounds like you are a highly self-aware person who has more or less a clear idea of what she wants quite from the earliest stages onward. If this man is slower than you in grasping himself, it may seem to you that the situation doesn't make sense but from his side, this is just something that came to him at this time or slightly before perhaps. Unfortunately, we have no control on this kind of speed or timing and the best thing is to let go of the neeed to understand completely - easier said than done of course.

 

 

You say when someone loses interest, consistency also falls away. I think that is so when there is some kind of emotional transparency but I also think many people are quite capable of keeping constancy until they make up their mind about something. In this scenario, he would be a highly controlled person who doesn't give away much until he makes up his mind. The "anymore" bit in how he doesn't want to lead you on kind of hints that he has been thinking about this for a while.

 

He may be a commitmentphobe who gets these urges all of a sudden. Do you know anything about his past relationship patterns?

 

Do you think he is more of an anxious person, maybe a perfectionist who sets his own expectations from himself too high and sometimes gets the feeling that he won't be able to provide what is needed from him? Did he use to encounter positive visions (about things) with a negative possibility for instance? (The fear of failure also makes people commitphobes sometimes.)

 

Him saying this after the course around the car park somehow shows that he wants to avoid the talk, his choice is a bit fear based - like say it, get done with it, and run away. A more relaxed person could do this in a different way that offers you a bit more closure but it looks like he isn't confident enough for that or he knows his own inconsistency and fears your powers of analysis. Simply this fear may have made him think that he isn't enough for you maybe?

 

As far as I understand, you both decided that being in love is a pre-requisite at this stage and that's why you don't want to continue seeing each other. Or is it him who decided this?

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@zeino, thanks for your insight!

 

I agree that he might not be as emotionally expressive as I first thought (at least with negative things). And you are right on the money about him being highly controlled. I might have misspoke when I said he said "anymore" (ie, he likely just said "I don't want to lead you on.")

 

I also see what you mean about him possibly being a perfectionist. He did seem that way from time to time, especially with work or certain house chores. So that could be a factor here.

 

He was never the anxious type with me (I'm anxious and seem to repel other anxious'ers!) but he was the one who decided this, even when I asked to just see where this goes, he reiterated that he didn't want to lead me on.

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I would say don't try to understand him because he is not being honest maybe for the sake of politeness but still. And he is being covertly arrogant imagining that he has a false control on stuff. Your anxiety may have been giving him this wrong feeling. His message is that he doesn't want to be with you. No need to sugarcoat this with a virtuous "I don't want to lead you on" even when you say let's give this a try. Maybe you won't be lead on, who knows? In this "overresponsible" scenario in his mind, you will definitely fall in love with him and he may not be able to respond. And he may be thinking you won't be able to deal with this. In either case, he is covertly positing you as the vulnerable one who needs this kind of protection (which is actually nothing but rejection.) But this may be his fantasy. Even if this is your truth, how can he be so sure of your constancy if he himself is capable of sending mushy stuff and then taking it back all of a sudden? Maybe you were doing the same? This is both covertly arrogant and if he trusts your reliability, it is understandable that you may be scaring him with this. And what the hell is "can't wait to see you tonight" How ironic! You don't want to get any good news from this guy you know. And the world has had enough of people who leave us for our own good Thanks really It doesn't seem like he is taking open and honest responsibility of his feelings and actions. That's why he is hiding behind the don't want to lead you on stuff.

 

With this level of unreliability, I wouldn't believe anymore that the mushy stuff was truly because of butterflies in the belly, or that he is able to continue his emotions ona sustainable basis. Maybe he is scared of his own speed or maybe he will go back to his wife. Whatever it is, there may be no way to know. And the moment you think you know, he may pull the ground from under your feet again.

 

I think you should recognize this. What he did is one of those absurd things human beings are capable of doing. You don't understand it because there is nothing to understand. You are an intelligent woman. If there was something to understand, you would have understood it already. Honor the meaninglessness of his actions by not understanding them

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I wondered that too, because I don't see w

how or why someone can know "love" after 2 months...?

 

I so agree with you on this @annie24! I don't know if it something people expect these days (I certainly don't, but maybe I'm in the minority here?!) or maybe he is comparing me with his ex-wife and how he felt for her after 2 months?

 

I even asked if he wanted to give it more time, since I don't expect "love" after 2 months and we are only just getting to know each other. But this is where he reiterated for the second time that he didn't want to lead me on

 

I really don't understand!

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I would say don't try to understand him because he is not being honest maybe for the sake of politeness but still. And he is being covertly arrogant imagining that he has a false control on stuff. Your anxiety may have been giving him this wrong feeling. His message is that he doesn't want to be with you. No need to sugarcoat this with a virtuous "I don't want to lead you on" even when you say let's give this a try. Maybe you won't be lead on, who knows? In this "overresponsible" scenario in his mind, you will definitely fall in love with him and he may not be able to respond. But this may be his fantasy. Even if this is your truth, how can he be so sure of your constancy if he himself is capable of sending mushy stuff and then taking it back all of a sudden? Maybe you were doing the same? This is both covertly arrogant and if he trusts your reliability, it is understandable that you may be scaring him with this. And what the hell is "can't wait to see you tonight" How ironic! You don't want to get any good news from this guy you know. And the world has had enough of people who leave us for our own good Thanks really

 

With this level of unreliability, I wouldn't believe anymore that the mushy stuff was truly because of butterflies in the belly, or that he is able to continue his emotions ona sustainable basis. Maybe he is scared of his own speed or maybe he will go back to his wife. Whatever it is, there may be no way to know. And the moment you think you know, he may pull the ground from under your feet again.

 

I think you should recognize this. What he did is one of those absurd things human beings are capable of doing. You don't understand it because there is nothing to understand. You are an intelligent woman. If there was something to understand, you would have understood it already. Honor the meaninglessness of his actions by not understanding them

 

Thanks so much @zeino. I cried after reading this because I know how absolutely true you must be. This is like my worst nightmare. I've worked so hard on being true to myself and being open, vulnerable, and transparent. So for someone to do this really hits home. But understanding this to be true doesn't make it hurt any less and it doesn't stop the monkey chatter. Part of the reason for the monkey chatter is so that I can be alert and avoid situations like this in the future.

 

Any suggestions on that?

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It's possible that he wanted to feel the feelings for you that go along with falling in love and he didn't want to give up on it straight away.

I am sure there are many of us that didn't have the spark right away, but we liked this person and wanted it to progress into deeper feelings and thought that maybe if we just spent more time with them that those feelings would eventually develope. But for whatever reason, they just don't.

I have dated a man who had all the aspects I was looking for, but try as I might, the romantic feelings just would not come and I had to be honest and let them know before it went any further.

This could be the case. It's nothing you did and nothing wrong with you at all, it's more about chemistry and lack of.

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Serious question. What's the difference bw being " exclusive" and "committed"? I haven't dated in awhile but I recall dating my husband and once we established exclusivity, we both knew it also meant we were committed to each other. So much ambiguity and confusion these days

 

Did he and his ex have kids? How long since his last relationship?

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I wouldn't over analyze the "love" aspect of it. People feel different things at different paces, and confuse themselves. It may be that he had real feelings for you, but never wanted anything serious or longer term. Be grateful that he told you he doesn't want to lead you on. I think we need to sometimes take exactly what they say as the truth. It seems to me he cares about you enough to not want to hurt you more down the road. I was led on for close to 5 months only to find out he never wanted anything serious or real with me from the beginning. Needless to say I was completely heart broken. I confronted him at the end and he confessed that he did have strong feelings for me but still never wanted anything serious. Yes turns out he was that self absorbed. I would move on and cherish the good memories and be thankfully he was a decent guy.

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Although it's disappointing the only silver lining is that he announced this at 2 mos in so it's earlier to cut your losses.

 

He may be a serial dater after being tied down for so long. He may not want serious relationships, dating 2 mos here 4 mos there, etc. and then on to the next adventure.

 

There is really no guarantee against someone bailing, particularly if things seemed to be going well. Did you notice any recent changes? All you can do is not get too invested too soon, for example whatever "exclusive but not committed means"?

Part of the reason for the monkey chatter is so that I can be alert and avoid situations like this in the future.
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Serious question. What's the difference bw being " exclusive" and "committed"? I haven't dated in awhile but I recall dating my husband and once we established exclusivity, we both knew it also meant we were committed to each other. So much ambiguity and confusion these days

 

Did he and his ex have kids? How long since his last relationship?

 

For me, there can be a difference between exclusive and committed, but not always. And I think it is very nuanced. In this case, we had such strong feelings for each other right away (after the second date) that we didn't want to see any one else. However since we didn't know each other that well we were not committed (as in, bf/gf). After a couple more dates in, he did say to me several times that he was interested in me and wanted a relationship, which seemed consistent with how he acted (up until the last day!).

 

He did not have kids with his ex. His last relationship ended this time last year and was for about 4 months. He doesn't seem like a serial dater type (to address @Wiseman2's concern), just because he is a bit socially awkward and not the outgoing type.

 

 

Ultimately of course I agree that its better that I know sooner rather than later and @Inspired I'm sorry for your situation. You seem like you've come to terms with it, which is the first step in healing. I think for me, the whole situation just doesn't sit right and it keeps me awake at night

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Although it's disappointing the only silver lining is that he announced this at 2 mos in so it's earlier to cut your losses.

 

There is really no guarantee against someone bailing, particularly if things seemed to be going well. Did you notice any recent changes? All you can do is not get too invested too soon, for example whatever "exclusive but not committed means"?

 

Thanks @Wiseman2! You really are quite wise

 

No, there were no big changes that I could notice. He did have some long/stressful work days and as a result his morning texts were delayed until lunch this last week. But he was still equally expressive, concerned, happy, and adoring in his texts literally right up until after our art class.

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Also, I agree with not being invested too soon. We did act like a couple right off the bat, but I don't regret it because it showed me what being with him would be like. Do you think even if I had taken it slower or kept multi-dating (which felt disingenuous to me), that this wouldn't have happened or I would hurt any less?

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I also wanted to say that people usually don't lead others on on purpose (unless they are lying or being deceitful). People are usually more self centered (we are human, after all) and want to explore and see where things go or see if feelings develop more, and it is your choice to stay in that situation without "commitment" (whatever that may mean to you/me). By the same token, people aren't usually so altruistic that they end things just to not hurt you. They end things because it is not working for them in some way, or possibly due to fear (such as @zeino described above).

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I would say don't try to understand him because he is not being honest maybe for the sake of politeness but still. And he is being covertly arrogant imagining that he has a false control on stuff. Your anxiety may have been giving him this wrong feeling. His message is that he doesn't want to be with you. No need to sugarcoat this with a virtuous "I don't want to lead you on" even when you say let's give this a try. Maybe you won't be lead on, who knows? In this "overresponsible" scenario in his mind, you will definitely fall in love with him and he may not be able to respond. And he may be thinking you won't be able to deal with this. In either case, he is covertly positing you as the vulnerable one who needs this kind of protection (which is actually nothing but rejection.) But this may be his fantasy. Even if this is your truth, how can he be so sure of your constancy if he himself is capable of sending mushy stuff and then taking it back all of a sudden? Maybe you were doing the same? This is both covertly arrogant and if he trusts your reliability, it is understandable that you may be scaring him with this. And what the hell is "can't wait to see you tonight" How ironic! You don't want to get any good news from this guy you know. And the world has had enough of people who leave us for our own good Thanks really It doesn't seem like he is taking open and honest responsibility of his feelings and actions. That's why he is hiding behind the don't want to lead you on stuff.

 

With this level of unreliability, I wouldn't believe anymore that the mushy stuff was truly because of butterflies in the belly, or that he is able to continue his emotions ona sustainable basis. Maybe he is scared of his own speed or maybe he will go back to his wife. Whatever it is, there may be no way to know. And the moment you think you know, he may pull the ground from under your feet again.

 

I think you should recognize this. What he did is one of those absurd things human beings are capable of doing. You don't understand it because there is nothing to understand. You are an intelligent woman. If there was something to understand, you would have understood it already. Honor the meaninglessness of his actions by not understanding them

 

@zeino, it just occurred to me! From the little bits he told me, this is what happened with his ex. They were married, she got depressed, and left him quite abruptly. So maybe to him this is a reality that exists? That people can change at the drop of a dime?

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No. It probably would not have prevented it because whatever he was doing/going through had nothing to do with anything you did. As far as investing, well you have to take some risks and sometimes they don't pan out but it's good you are dating and putting yourself into it enough, but not too much.

Do you think even if I had taken it slower or kept multi-dating (which felt disingenuous to me), that this wouldn't have happened or I would hurt any less?
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I like your assessment! I think in my case I was left feeling like he led me on for 5 months when that is likely not really the case (i.e. He wasn't being deceitful). What's more likely the case is he wasn't sure he wanted anything serious but went along with the good times maybe thinking he'd feel differently. Ultimately he didn't though.

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Just my little bit. Recently I met someone I liked. I felt the connection and I know he did too. We had a few coffee dates and were going pretty slow. After a 4/5 dates he said a couple of things that I didn't like. He doesn't know I didn't like them, he doesn't see anything wrong with what he said. But for me, what he said made me realize that a relationship with him would not work. So I faded out, just said that I wasn't feeling it. I don't see a point in telling him the exact reason, he is who he is and he shouldn't feel he has to change that for me. He's still a great guy..just not for a relationship with me. I guess what I'm saying is that as much as he was enjoying your company maybe there was something that made him realize it wouldn't work. That happens. It's part of dating.

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@zeino, it just occurred to me! From the little bits he told me, this is what happened with his ex. They were married, she got depressed, and left him quite abruptly. So maybe to him this is a reality that exists? That people can change at the drop of a dime?

 

Maybe. Or maybe he was projecting onto his wife? In either case if he was left this way, he had enough reason not to do the same to others.

 

I thought of some future suggestions as you asked. Here is what comes to my mind.

 

1. You may go through some initial shock even if the relationship was for two months only. I think I would freeze or feel empty for a day or two like it never happened. Then lots of feelings may hit. Give yourself some time to heal organically as well as intentionally. I don't know your levels of anxiety but if you are affected a lot and if nothing changes in 3 months, please seek medical help.

 

2. Establish a good self-care plan. This should be a thorough plan that includes everything from monitoring yourself and when you feel good or down to take action to pampering yourself and to organizing your dealings with the world. He too may be stricken with panic and call you. I suggest you focus on yourself (if you don't choose to go NC) and ask for some time as you are working on yourself. This has nothing to do with him, you need to focus on yourself to understand how you invited this shocker into your life.

 

3. If you believe your anxiety plays a role in your relationship, work on relating better with your anxiety itself. Anxious people may seem like they panic easily etc and everyone may perceive this as a sort of weakness, but you are probably a very resilient person. It is hard to live with stuff like this and the fact that you do shows that you are a strong person. Even with anxiety, you can be strong willed and can control your reactions to keep them in line with your values and expectations in life. Empower yourself.

 

4. Realize that this probably has very little to do with you. He probably carries some criteria or judgments, fears etc in his head after his divorce. He may avoid certain things quicker than expected sometimes. It is normal. You don't have control on this. Also realize that you were the strong one in this even if his representation of events doesn't make it look quite so. You were open, honest and self-aware, you were coherent in your actions. He couldn't match you. I'm not saying that he is intentionally dishonest etc but come on, he could have communicated more about the questions in his head etc so you had a better idea of where you were standing and also he could have dealth with that final day better. You need to improve your emotional radar or antenna so that you recognize people who can match your strengths. So, what needs of yours prevented this in this relationship? What made you ignore or rationalize certain things or get so attached while you were also noticing things? This inquiry can start with trying to remember your gut feelings that you may have overlooked. Usually, they have a bodily equivalent, like a stretching of the tummy, a feeling of discomfort, a hot flush or something. Did you get any gut feelings at all with this guy?

 

5. One thing that saved me is to learn to listen and communicate actively. I was raised in an emotionally volatile home and this made me high-risk in the beginning of relationships. That is, I have pretty good boundaries in a relationship and don't keep myself in unhealthy stuff but I can be prone to throwing myself into a relationship quite quickly - as a pattern, when I'm in long-term touch with a couple of deluded narcissists in my family. I severed all ties with these people except my mother and my love life got better, go figure But anyway, when I analyzed this initial phase of relationships in myself, I realized two things. I can be a chatter box and a good listener but I actually hide myself so much that the other party gets quite a wrong impression of me. I must speak more of my truth. As soon as I started doing this, expressing my opinions more etc, some people just kept away from me anyway. This was good. This was an interesting discovery about myself. I'm not a passive person at all (on the surface apparently.) I can be rather outspoken, vocal. But I have been judged so much by my narcissistic mother for who I am that I developed the unhealthy habit of hiding stuff about my authentic self I reckon. Sometimes, I shut up not to be too "edgy". (The mother voice, "you are so x,y,z that nobody would want to be with you.") Basically I stopped listening to this voice. Stopped behaving as if I was more passive than my reality. (I never cared that much about not being wanted etc etc anyway, so good riddance.) So speaking more is a lifesaver for me.

 

The other thing is being an active listener. I was shocked to see that I wasn't an active listener at all. People find me approachable. They tell me their life stories at bus stops. I will take a lot of secrets to the grave. I'm not judgmental usually. All these made me think that I was a good listener. But no. The thing is I listened and always attributed meaning in my head based on my own understanding. Rationalized stuff myself, analyzed stuff myself but NEVER questioned my boyfriend candidates very deeply. Mine was a one-person process of understanding. Was I afraid of hearing stuff that wouldn't fit with my fantasy of them? Maybe. So now, I am in the habit of always asking one or two questions about the statements people make about themselves. I am trying to hone this skill so that I don't sound like a detective. I state my need to understand better. And gosh, the things I hear are quite incredible. I can now see how my assumptions can be so far from their truth, how someone contradicts themselves or sounds off after the initial statement etc. Wow, just wow.

 

6. So due to my upbringing, I have had problems, something broken in me. I have done a lot of growing and I'm happy. But the people who attract me are always people who have similar stuff in their history. If someone thinks they have always had a wonderful life and have had nothing broken in them etc, I don't find them attractive. I like people who have re-built themselves maybe. But I made a serious mistake in this. Common stories do not result in shared traits. Sometimes people fly to the other extreme and are prone to damaging others for instance. So I don't fall for people' stories anymore, I try to understand and appreciate how they developed under their unique circumstances, what they learnt about themselves and where this took them in their life journey. I am more interested in their critical understanding than their narrative if you like. Maybe you can find your own pitfalls, too.

 

Best,

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