Am I wrong to be upset.

Back in the beginning of September my husband was contacted by his son who is in the military. His son informed his father my husband that he would be trying to come home for thanksgiving. Now knowing this would have a affect on our household and the holiday I waited for my husband to say something to me. Weeks went by and not a word about it from my husband to me. Now this morning his son contacted him letting my husband know he won't be able to make it.

I was just going to let this go but after my husband left for work I sent him a text. I told him I didn't appreciate him not talking to me about something that would affect the household and the holiday. He said the reason for not telling me was he thought I heard the conversation he had back in September. I won't lie I did but he had no way of knowing that, I wasn't even the same room as him.

Am I wrong for feeling he should have came to me a talked to me about it?

I'm on the fence but leaning more toward you reaching for something to be upset over.

I think that, ideally, yes, he should talk to you from the get go. However, it's not like it's November 21st and he just now sprung it on you that his son's staying for Thanksgiving weekend. His son was simply entertaining the idea and there would have been plenty of time between now and then to work out the kinks with you. Plus, he may have been a bit pessimistic about the odds of it happening and may not have wanted to make it "real" by hypothesizing on plans just yet.

At the end of the day, you were in fact aware of the possibility and now it's not even going to happen. Doesn't seem like a battle worth picking. And given the fact I'm sure he's probably not all sunshine and rainbows knowing he now won't be seeing his child for the holiday, I might even consider it selfish to push it. I'd check under the couch cushions and see if you can't scrounge up some empathy.

This sounds like a miscommunication, not some intent to deceive or keep you out of the loop. Perhaps since the son mentioned "trying" he wanted to wait for confirmation.

Since this is your husband's family how would his son coming home from the military "disrupt your household"? What do you have against your husband's family attending thanksgiving?

His son informed his father my husband that he would be trying to come home for thanksgiving. Now this morning his son contacted him letting my husband know he won't be able to make it.

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And, you know what, I'm gonna go ahead and hop off the fence and to his side. Again, I can understand a desire for better communication here, but not the level of offense. Shouldn't you simply assume that the door's open to his son on Thanksgiving anyhow?

I don't think this is really about the young man coming home for the holiday and you not knowing about it. I think there are other things going on here and you have a hair trigger and get bothered easily by what your husband does.

Reading your other thread leads me to believe you do not trust him (rightfully so) and anything he does is suspect.

Resolve the cheating and lack of trust or get out of this marriage.

Lost

I don't have a problem with him spending time with his family but their is a lot of bad history so things have a habit of getting tense .

From the day we got married things seemed to change. My husband has put his son and mother above me no matter what they say are do.

On the day of our wedding his mom pulled my adult daughter to the side and made threats against me. His responded bysaying well it's ok your daughter is a adult. His mothers response was to say I don't remember if she said it. Sorry don't care if my daughter was a adult or not it wasn't ok. Then it turned into all my fault his mother wouldn't come into our home after that.

His son was 15 when we got married. I know he resented me for marring his dad, why I don't know. He was rude to me from day one. If I would try to talk to him he would ignore me and just walk away. Refused to ever acknowledge anything I did for him. I don't blame him as much as I blame my husband for this since he was the parent and refused to do anything. His son honest treated me like the maid for two years.

I think the Final straw for me that made me super sensitive was a night I just got out of the hospital. I was home after surgery and having serious problems breathing. Because of this I was trying to sleep on the sofa reclined. His son was roughhousing with the bulldog. I simply asked my husband to ask his son to stop so I could sleep since I didn't feel I could sleep in bed. The result was for my husband to scream and yell at me for not going to the bedroom. He ended up taking his son home and disappeared for hours . During this time he refused to even as much as answer his cell. I ended up in the emergency room the next morning having an emergency chest tube placed.

These are just a few of the things I've had to deal with so far and I will admit I've become sensitive when it comes to the subject of his family due to his actions .

Maybe it is time to divorce? I will agree his family has been over the top rude and he has done zero about it. However, if someone asked me not to see my kids on a family holiday I would be done.

What is it that holds you together?

So he cheated on you while you were engaged, he treats you terribly, his family treats you terribly and all you are concerned about is a Thanksgiving invite?

You have trust issues from your last marriage and all this is just making your life worse.

You need to accept that you are not in a healthy marriage and that you are not happy. Do you have the option of seeing a therapist or marriage counselor?

Lost

Maybe it is time to divorce? I will agree his family has been over the top rude and he has done zero about it. However, if someone asked me not to see my kids on a family holiday I would be done.

 

What is it that holds you together?

Never asked him not to see his family matter of fact I've encouraged him to call both his parents who live out of state. I encouraged him all the time to spend time with his son before he joined the military.

And I have openly admitted I've become over sensitive when it comes to the subject of his family due to his past actions . That's why I came here to ask the questions .

He can't control his mother or his son's teenage angst, but the way he treated you when you were so sick.....I would have left him after that incident. It was callous.

Above aside, in this particular instance, you would actually be wrong to pick a fight. He was tentatively talking about it, there was nothing to inform you about really because nothing was written in stone and it appears he knew that you heard about the possibility. The plans got cancelled and it's still quite a ways away from the holiday. You'd have a right to be upset if the plans changed again and he didn't tell you until the day of or when the son was knocking on the door. Even so, adding another place at the table doesn't need to be a big deal. So this whole thing is a moot point. Pick your battles. If you choose to fight this one, you will be the bad guy and in the wrong and it will do nothing to bring peace into your marriage.

Absolutely agree. Counseling is the only hope because the baggage from former marriages, their own history and bad feelings just seem to be accumulating.

Midlife blended families are a challenge in themselves but with all this unresolved rancor building up it will be miserable.

You need to accept that you are not in a healthy marriage and that you are not happy. Do you have the option of seeing a therapist or marriage counselor?

Absolutely agree. Counseling is the only hope because the baggage from former marriages, their own history and bad feelings just seem to be accumulating.

 

Midlife blended families are a challenge in themselves but with all this unresolved rancor building up it will be miserable.

I agree my mom had a midlife blending of two families . It was hell for 15 years until my stepdad's kids got off their high horse .

Thanksgiving is a very sentimental holiday to me. It is an anniversary date of when I lost a baby. My husband is fully aware of this and knows my sensitivity when it comes to this day.

Thanksgiving is a very sentimental holiday to me. It is an anniversary date of when I lost a baby. My husband is fully aware of this and knows my sensitivity when it comes to this day.

Then can his son come the day after ? Have you grieved properly for the child you lost ?

Maybe him and his son can go out to eat and be together?

Yes I have grieved properly but this day so special to me .

Like I said I know I'm very sensitive now when it comes to his family that's why I came here to ask questions.

Yes I have grieved properly but this day so special to me .

 

Like I said I know I'm very sensitive now when it comes to his family that's why I came here to ask questions.

Well, all I can tell you is some if somebody kept me from my children on a family holiday I would certainly not be happy . We would be going out to eat just them and myself and when I came home there would be a serious discussion on whether we should even be together .

He did that two years ago. My husband made a point of saying how he didn't want to go because the dinner was at his ex wife's home but he went anyway. Six hours later he wasn't home, didn't bother to call me and let me know what was happening even though he knew I was home waiting for a dinner he said should have taken two hours

OK ,but these are his children . I am telling you anyone who wanted to keep me from my children would be punted off the doorstep.

Like I said maybe you're not meant to be together . Maybe it would be better to find someone without prior commitments .

Why are you still in this marriage? He does not respect you at all!

Victor. Sorry I don't know if I'm posting this twice or not I'm having problems with my iPad. I never try to keep me from his children. Actually I did the opposite. I encouraged him to contact his parents who live out of state all the time. I encouraged him to spend as much time with his son as possible

Ok, but you said that family day you want without his family and he should know that. Then can he go be with his kids for part of the day?

But I truly don't know what you guys are still doing together .

I never said I didn't want him without his son that day I just said I didn't know if I was being overly sensitive getting upset over the fact he didn't bother to let me know about the plans they were making.

I'm with Victoria on this one, even including her criticisms of the guy otherwise. You have my condolences for your loss, but if you need someone to entirely or even partially restrict his time with his family / children during holidays, then you need to find a man who doesn't have children. It's simply not fair, regardless of the circumstances otherwise. And if you know you're particularly sensitive at a given time, it's on you to take care of yourself, not him to put up with irrational arguments.

I never said I didn't want him without his son that day I just said I didn't know if I was being overly sensitive getting upset over the fact he didn't bother to let me know about the plans they were making.

Actually you did . You said he should be well aware of your special anniversary day . Kind of hinting at the fact you don't want his son there . And he be aware of your sensitivities of this day . To me that says keep your kids out of my face . But at the same time you have to be aware he doesn't feel the same way you feel about his children .