Am I wrong to be upset.

[Hollyj]

His responded bysaying well it's ok your daughter is a adult. Then it turned into all my fault his mother wouldn't come into our home after that.

 

I don't blame him as much as I blame my husband for this since he was the parent and refused to do anything.

 

I simply asked my husband to ask his son to stop so I could sleep since I didn't feel I could sleep in bed. The result was for my husband to scream and yell at me for not going to the bedroom. He ended up taking his son home and disappeared for hours . During this time he refused to even as much as answer his cell. I ended up in the emergency room the next morning having an emergency chest tube placed.

 

Why do you stick around for this mess? You're are missing the big picture, here.

[tuckersmom]

But I'm not restricting his time with his family. I've done the opposite the entire time we've been married. The only thing I've been trying to bring across here is the fact I don't know how to react anymore when it comes to his family due to the past and the way he has treated me. That's why I came here to ask the questions. I would never be upset about his son coming here for Thanksgiving. What upset me was the fact they were making plans for over a month and nobody mentioned a thing to me . Again I don't know if I'm a overreacting because I have become so super sensitive when it comes to the subject of his family due to the way he has treated me concerning them .

[tuckersmom]

Honestly I still do love him.

[Seraphim]

OK ,then I still have to keep asking why you two are still together ? What is in this marriage for you ?

[Seraphim]

Honestly I still do love him.

 

OK , but love doesn't mean it will work out . If you have incompatibility even though you love someone doesn't mean it will work

[Seraphim]

My parents loved each other too but by Jesus they did the best thing for everyone in the world when they told each other to get lost.

[Hollyj]

He is incredibly disrespectful to you, and does not have your back.

 

I don't know how you can tolerate this! Maybe, its time you loved yourself.

[tuckersmom]

Actually you did . You said he should be well aware of your special anniversary day . Kind of hinting at the fact you don't want his son there . And he be aware of your sensitivities of this day . To me that says keep your kids out of my face . But at the same time you have to be aware he doesn't feel the same way you feel about his children .

 

No I'm not. Him and talked about this when we first got married and I explained to him then how important this day was to me and why. I never once said I didn't want him here. Heck before we even got married I invited his son to my home for a thanksgiving dinner.

[ParisPaulette]

1. If the son is the military he needs to get permission to get leave for the holidays. And he's in line with a billion other people, some of who asked first, some of who have seniority for that. Those answers don't come right away and usually it can take months, so I do believe the son tried and got turned down. It sucks, but that's the military - I have family who are military. My standing rule is if you get time off I don't care where I am I will drop everything to come get you, because it is sort of hard to plan and I never want to miss a chance to be with them. They are in an inherently dangerous job, time is precious.

 

2. When you heard your husband on the phone after he hung up why didn't you just go in and talk to him right then and there and get the details.

 

3. Why would the son not showing up be a problem? It's over a month away until Thanksgiving anyways, and the best way to handle holidays and guests is to plan for people to both show up and not show up, then you're set either way.

 

4. I suspect there is something else going on here since you two couldn't just sit down and talk about this from the get-go. How do you not communicate with your partner or spouse about the holidays? If you both have issues with communication or he never tells you anything or it's this big a problem that's where marriage counseling comes in.

 

But I kind of see this as a) much ado about nothing and b) a failure to communicate information you each knew and were stubbornly waiting for the other to speak first and that's kind of a game no one wins at. Maybe it's time to try another method or gets some outside help if communication is a problem in the marriage.

[tuckersmom]

Won't lie that's not easy for me to do because of my health issues. Any other time things are ok with us till something comes up with his family.

[Seraphim]

Ok, but the guy ISNT coming. Problem solved.

 

As Paris says not being able to have holidays in the military SUCKS. My husband is military. Usually things are up in the air . You just learn to be flexible .

 

But the guy isn't coming so don't worry about it . Next time just ask him to communicate about holidays .

[tuckersmom]

1. If the son is the military he needs to get permission to get leave for the holidays. And he's in line with a billion other people, some of who asked first, some of who have seniority for that. Those answers don't come right away and usually it can take months, so I do believe the son tried and got turned down. It sucks, but that's the military - I have family who are military. My standing rule is if you get time off I don't care where I am I will drop everything to come get you, because it is sort of hard to plan and I never want to miss a chance to be with them. They are in an inherently dangerous job, time is precious.

 

2. When you heard your husband on the phone after he hung up why didn't you just go in and talk to him right then and there and get the details.

 

3. Why would the son not showing up be a problem? It's over a month away until Thanksgiving anyways, and the best way to handle holidays and guests is to plan for people to both show up and not show up, then you're set either way.

 

4. I suspect there is something else going on here since you two couldn't just sit down and talk about this from the get-go. How do you not communicate with your partner or spouse about the holidays? If you both have issues with communication or he never tells you anything or it's this big a problem that's where marriage counseling comes in.

 

But I kind of see this as a) much ado about nothing and b) a failure to communicate information you each knew and were stubbornly waiting for the other to speak first and that's kind of a game no one wins at. Maybe it's time to try another method or gets some outside help if communication is a problem in the marriage.

 

Because some of the simplest things I've said concerning his son have got me screamed at. The very first time was a Sunday evening and I was doing laundry I noticed his son had no towels after being there for days. I simply said something to my husband and private so I wouldn't embarrass his son about the fact he hadn't showered in days. Only for his immediate reaction to scream at me. He did so loud enough that his son and my daughters could hear him .

 

That was one example of many of how he would react when it comes to his family and that's why I've become so sensitive. And that's also why I don't like to communicate face-to-face with him when he comes to his family.

[Seraphim]

Ok, then you need a bigger reason to be there than " I love him." Screaming at you is abuse and nutty when you're only asking about towels . That's an anger management problem . However his son is a grown man don't bother asking him about why his son hasn't showered or if he needs towels . That's not really your job to point it out .

[tuckersmom]

Ok, then you need a bigger reason to be there than " I love him." Screaming at you is abuse and nutty when you're only asking about towels . That's an anger management problem . However his son is a grown man don't bother asking him about why his son hasn't showered or if he needs towels . That's not really your job to point it out .

 

 

Should have made myself more clear. That was the first time and that was a few years back when his son was 15. Maybe I should have kept it to myself but I have a really messed up immune system due to lupus and I'm a little bit of a clean freak. All I simply said to him that day was hey your son doesn't have any towels since I was doing laundry and noticed.

[Seraphim]

Ok, but you being a clean freak is not their issue, right? It is yours. All 15 year old boys need reminders of showering. But it is up to his dad to say so. Either way it is a nutty response on his part and abusive .

 

Personally, I think it's past the time that you guys left and made a new live separately . I think you would both be much happier .

[Hollyj]

Ok, but you being a clean freak is not their issue, right? It is yours. All 15 year old boys need reminders of showering. But it is up to his dad to say so. Either way it is a nutty response on his part and abusive .

 

Personally, I think it's past the time that you guys left and made a new live separately . I think you would both be much happier .

 

I agree. The guy is abusive and this is an unhealthy marriage.

[ParisPaulette]

That was one example of many of how he would react when it comes to his family and that's why I've become so sensitive. And that's also why I don't like to communicate face-to-face with him when he comes to his family.

 

Ah, there's the giant problem. Seriously, you should not let this go. I would tell anyone who did that, that if that happened again they.would.be.out.

 

So any time you say something your husband doesn't like he screams at you and gets hysterical? Yes, it's probably past time to inform him that after much thought about that, that needs to change or the marriage is over. Offer him the option of counseling if you like, but you need to take another long hard look at your marriage, because that's just not acceptable. And I don't believe he can act like that and not have other serious emotional issues going on.

[ThatwasThen]

Back in the beginning of September my husband was contacted by his son who is in the military. His son informed his father my husband that he would be trying to come home for thanksgiving. Now knowing this would have a affect on our household and the holiday I waited for my husband to say something to me. Weeks went by and not a word about it from my husband to me. Now this morning his son contacted him letting my husband know he won't be able to make it.

 

I was just going to let this go but after my husband left for work I sent him a text. I told him I didn't appreciate him not talking to me about something that would affect the household and the holiday. He said the reason for not telling me was he thought I heard the conversation he had back in September. I won't lie I did but he had no way of knowing that, I wasn't even the same room as him.

 

Am I wrong for feeling he should have came to me a talked to me about it?

Two thoughts immediately came to mind:

 

1. Pick your battles. You knew of the conversation so no biggie. He would have told you whether or not he was coming.

2. Why would you text him instead of talking to him face to face when he got home?

 

Sorry if I'm repeating or missing something.. I only read the opening post as I am coming into the thread late.

[tuckersmom]

Two thoughts immediately came to mind:

 

1. Pick your battles. You knew of the conversation so no biggie. He would have told you whether or not he was coming.

2. Why would you text him instead of talking to him face to face when he got home?

 

Sorry if I'm repeating or missing something.. I only read the opening post as I am coming into the thread late.

 

I would text him because talking to him face to face about anything that concern his family that would upset would result in him screaming at me. Nothing for you to be sorry about.

[j.man]

Also, just as a general tip and not necessarily a note of sympathy for your guy specifically, texting an issue is pretty bad on its own. Texting an issue to someone as they're going to / are at work is kinda ****ty.