Im very attracted to my very good friend who is 15 years older than me. Help!!

Let me start this off by saying, I am so bad at taking hints and gauging someone else's attraction to me. I'm also a very heavy thinker and analyzer. Sometime i think i could actually think myself into insanity. I hope this post doesnt come off as wierd or desperate. I just seriously need some advice, because i cant stop thinking about this person.

My name is Aaron, I am a 21 year old guy who started nursing school about six months ago. Immediately when i started, i hit it off with one of my classmates named Heather who is 35 years old, very attractive, and thinks on the same level about the world as i do. We instantly became the best of friends. Even though there is such an age gap, we are both 100% on the same page with everything we talk about. Naturally our friendship gravitated outside of school and we have been hanging out about 2-3 times a week. Every time we hang out we talk and talk for hours on end. The only time we stop talking is when one of us NEEDS to leave.

The more i hang out with her the more attracted to her i get; both as a friend and romantically. I'd like to think she feels the same way, as she shows all the signs of attraction towards me (which i'll list at the end) but sometimes she says and does things that make me really second guess it (which i'll also list at the end).

I should also mention that Heather is in a relationship of 6 years. She is always telling me that she doesn't really like her boyfriend, and shes gonna break up with him and move out when we finish school. Every time we hang out she tells me a laundry list of things that bug her about her boyfriend. Why would she tell me these things? Does she want me to know that she's available? or is she just venting?

What confuses me the most though is the way she treats me. She treats me like she would a high school crush. She constantly laughs at my jokes. She constantly puts her hand on my arm or touches her feet to mine. She's always calling me baby, babe, and love. But what makes it confusing is that when her boyfriend questions our friendship or says negative things about me and my intentions, she says: "Aaron is just a really good friend of mine, and he doesn't think of me that way". But then she'll continue to treat me like a love interest and act all flirty with me.

This person is one of the most genuine and amazing friends i have ever made. The only thing that matters to me is that we stay a part of each others lives in an intimate way; as friends or more than that. The more i run all of the possible scenarios through in my head, the more confused i get as to what we are or what we are becoming. What i really want to do is just tell her point-blank how i feel about her, but i'm too afraid that she'll want to cut out all of the intimacy that we have in our friendship to stop any further attraction between us. THAT IS MY BIGGEST FEAR: that if i tell her; our friendship will become watered down.

My real questions are as follows: Is this person romantically interested in me? Should i tell her that I'm attracted to her? If so, how do i tell her?

Here's a list of things that make feel like she is/isn't romantically interested in me (i'm literally this clueless

She is interested:

-Tells me all of the things she doesnt like about her boyfriend

-Tells me that she is for-sure going to break up with him after we're done with school

-Calls me baby, babe, and love

-She finds a reason to touch me constantly

-She always emphasizes and talks about the closeness of our friendship

-She showed me pictures of her tramp stamp with her bare ass in clear view lol

-She dresses in very revealing clothes when we hang out

-She texts me all the time (if not everyday)

-She uses flirtatious winky and kissy emoji's

-She asked me if I thought her boobs were big

-She laughs at all of my jokes even if theyre not funny

-She aggressively defends our friendship when people question it

She isn't interested:

-When talking to her boyfriend: she says "Aaron doesnt think of me like that, he's my best friend"

-She actually hasn't texted me in a while as of late

-She brings up our age gap often

-She doesnt like her boyfriend to get 'the wrong idea' about us

She's attracted to you, I'm sure, but as an ego boost and nothing more. She tells herself that her provocative behaviour is fine because "Aaron doesnt think of me like that, he's my best friend". This is disingenuous of her, and I doubt she really believes it. She is ignoring both her own behaviour and other peoples' good sense.

You are unwittingly being drawn into their relationship as a third wheel, so she gets to have the security of being in a long-term relationship whilst having all the pleasurable flattery and flirtation with someone she isn't taking seriously. While you are in agonies of desire and longing. This, frankly, is stringing you along and quite cruel of her. If her boyfriend was really that bad, she'd have left him by now.

This is going to continue for as long as you let it; my advice to you is to let her know that you'd like a relationship with her for all the reasons you've listed above. Who knows what the outcome will be? But at the very least, it will put your "friendship" on a more honest footing than it is at the moment. Trying to deceive yourself and others 24/7 is not the recipe for peace of mind, as you are discovering.

I think you might be right about this whole thing. But my initial thought on it was that she might want to be with me, but her 'better judgement' tells her that im too young, or her boyfriend is reliable security, or that i might not feel the same way. Do you think that might be the case? or does that sound like wishful thinking?

She needs to grow up......

Every time we hang out she tells me a laundry list of things that bug her about her boyfriend. Why would she tell me these things? Does she want me to know that she's available? or is she just venting?

You're her girlfriend.

I think you might be right about this whole thing. But my initial thought on it was that she might want to be with me, but her 'better judgement' tells her that im too young, or her boyfriend is reliable security, or that i might not feel the same way. Do you think that might be the case? or does that sound like wishful thinking?

She does not take you seriously, but is still willing to string you along; by not wanting her boyfriend to get the 'wrong idea' she's telling you that there's nothing more to it than that - but it amuses her to have the attention of someone so much younger. You sound like an earnest, sincere type who would be much better off finding someone close to your own age, who is at the same stage in life, and who is free to commit to a future with you. She is none of these things.

For years, I've been approached by guys with a crush on me - sometimes twenty years younger than me - where it's never going to work, and to my mind it's actually cruel to encourage their hopes.

@TMifune

I was thinking that too but right after she says negative things about her boyfriend she highlights the fact I don't do those things. She compares her relationship with him with our friendship all the time. She also jokingly refers to us as a married couple, and when we disagree she jokingly says that we're gonna get a divorce. Do you see why im so confused lol?

She does not take you seriously, but is still willing to string you along; by not wanting her boyfriend to get the 'wrong idea' she's telling you that there's nothing more to it than that - but it amuses her to have the attention of someone so much younger. You sound like an earnest, sincere type who would be much better off finding someone close to your own age, who is at the same stage in life, and who is free to commit to a future with you. She is none of these things.

 

For years, I've been approached by guys with a crush on me - sometimes twenty years younger than me - where it's never going to work, and to my mind it's actually cruel to encourage their hopes.

When it comes to this flirtationship we're in i think you might be right. But its not as simple as that. Our friendship is pretty damn strong. This person has helped me grow in a lot of ways. She helped me quit smoking, shes helped me through family troubles, and she might be the only reason im passing school right now. So i know for sure she genuinely cares about me as a person. Which is why this is such a difficult situation for me. And if she is stringing me along i don't know if its 100% intentional.

She's in a 6 year relationship. I wouldn't go after it for that reason. Good luck

Sorry to say, but she sounds like an outgoing flirt who enjoys a lot of male attention and thinks of you as a male girlfriend whom she can discuss bf problems with.

Unfortunately you are squarely in the friendzone. Think of her as a friend, classmate, study-buddy, but she has a bf and is unavailable at that level. If you want something romantic, date other girls.

-When talking to her boyfriend: she says "Aaron doesnt think of me like that, he's my best friend" -She doesnt like her boyfriend to get 'the wrong idea' about us

She has a bf. End of story.

Ask the ladies here if they complain about things their bf/husbands do to their gf's. Then ask them if that means they want to leave them for a friend from school.

This is a crush on your part and an ego trip for her. After all she has a 21 yr old hanging on her every word...

Lost

She has a bf. End of story.

 

Ask the ladies here if they complain about things their bf/husbands do to their gf's. Then ask them if that means they want to leave them for a friend from school.

 

This is a crush on your part and an ego trip for her. After all she has a 21 yr old hanging on her every word...

 

Lost

If it ever did turn out that she wanted to take our friendship to the next level i wouldn't do it while she is in a relationship. Shes made it pretty clear that shes just waiting to finish school so she can move out next April. I'm not trying to break up her relationship, im just trying to understand how she feels about me and how i feel about her. Cheating is never good, and its not something i would want to be a part of.

The age gap doesn't phase me but the fact that she's in a relationship with someone else? yeah, stay away. And so what if she's planning to finish school so she can break up and move out? That's still a hot mess you don't want to get involved in.

If you stop the flirting, stop the excessive closeness, give it a long time, see that she breaks up with the guy, moves on, gets settled, and THEN you guys are still friends and decide to have a relationship, then go for it.

But don't enter one now, no.

If it ever did turn out that she wanted to take our friendship to the next level i wouldn't do it while she is in a relationship. Shes made it pretty clear that shes just waiting to finish school so she can move out next April. I'm not trying to break up her relationship, im just trying to understand how she feels about me and how i feel about her. Cheating is never good, and its not something i would want to be a part of.

I would question how good of a person she is, given that she's basically using her boyfriend right now, and planning well in advance to break up with him and move out as soon as she's able. Is he aware of this? At the same time, she's either having somewhat of an emotional affair with you, or just sees you as a "girlfriend" like someone suggested above. She's not being fair to her boyfriend. And if she's aware you have feelings (I'm sure she can sense it), she's not being fair to you, either. Additionally, why is a 35 year old hanging out with a 21 year old of the opposite sex? Shows a good bit of emotional immaturity on her part.

At least you're against cheating and wouldn't do anything while she's in a relationship - stick with that, and be proud of it.

How naive are you? She either views you as an ego boost and friend only or is setting you up to be her side dish. Come on, every cheater has "the worst" significant other that they are "planning to leave". It's like the first line of the cheater's handbook. When schools over she'll have a convenient excuse for why she can't end it then either. What exactly is stopping her from leaving right now if he's so terrible to her?? NOTHING.

If I were you I'd stop the friendship and move on. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Stop making excuses for her shady behavior. If she was your gf would you want her acting like this? Because that's what you'll get with an untrustworthy person like her.