Cutting Off a Bad Relationship

I'm going off to college soon and am starting to distance myself from friends that I know I'm going to grow apart from. These friendships have been more one sided with me putting in more effort into them then what is reciprocated. This has left me with some animosity towards them and my goal is to move forward and build a life for myself that is filled with success and happiness while they are stuck in the same town we've grown up in. Is this petty? Am I wrong to want to be better than them? Also, even though I know cutting off these people is the right thing for me, I feel a little bad for leaving them in the dust because there were some good times. How can I gracefully cut ties with these people? Thanks

Am I wrong to want to be better than them?

It depends what you mean by "better than." If it's an ego-driven thing, like obtaining more wealth or power, then it may be worth looking more closely at your motivations. But if it's about making better decisions, being more emotionally aware, achieving your full potential, etc., then I say go for it.

Also, even though I know cutting off these people is the right thing for me, I feel a little bad for leaving them in the dust because there were some good times. How can I gracefully cut ties with these people? Thanks

College is the perfect excuse. Contact often fades when someone is living a new life far away. Hopefully they won't take it too personally.

If it really was you putting in all the effort, while they were indifferent to your friendship - cutting them loose is easy. Just stop contacting them.

However, if there was more to it than that, and it wasn't as one-sided as you thought - it might be useful to reflect on why you were friends in the first place. Was it just out of convenience, and that you live in the same town? Or did they have qualities other than ambition and a desire for success - like warmth and caring? Be careful that you don't fill your life purely with trying to attain worldly 'success' at the expense of your emotional life. Many people who have wealth and possessions are not actually happy, and it's not a good idea to equate the two. Likewise many people who are very successful academically.

With all of us, there are times when we find that people that we've known for a long time just don't 'fit' any more - and that's OK. You are the only one who can decide what your own values and priorities are. What often happens is that when we're really not in the same mental place as people we may have known for a long time, the drifting apart happens quite naturally and there's no need to force the issue.

What on earth do you mean you feel bad about leaving them in the dust? That's kind of arrogant of you, meaning that you don't control their lives or the choices they make. If they are not heading to college or whatever, that's their life, their choice, their decision, just like it is your to go. You don't take people with you or leave them in the dust because you don't control people like that.

As for your resentment - probably important to admit that you did this to yourself so that you don't take this behavior with you to college and then just grow into hating and resenting your new friends. Respect yourself enough to only associate with people who reciprocate roughly equally. Do not play martyr who does everything for others because you will always be disappointed by the lack of rewards and appreciation for that.

Finally, nothing to end with your friendships because with you going off to college, your old high school friendships will die a natural death. You are away and busy doing your stuff and making new friends, they are going to go off and live their own lives - jobs, early marriage, babies, etc. Your lives are about to diverge regardless and unless you have some major reasons for keeping in touch, the friendships will fade and die off by themselves.

Just let it peter out through neglect. People grow apart and outgrow each other. Happens all the time.

Am I wrong to want to be better than them? Also, even though I know cutting off these people is the right thing for me, I feel a little bad for leaving them in the dust because there were some good times. How can I gracefully cut ties with these people?

You fade away.

You shouldn't feel guilty if it is one-sided. Why would you?

It's not necessary to burn bridges, because it deprives you of future information that could end up surprising you. You can still move forward to build a great life while trusting that any one or any number of these people might grow into better appreciation of you when you're someone who comes back into town for visits rather than being taken for granted as a daily fixture.

So I'd watch out for any vindictiveness that might creep into your attitude going forward. That can deprive you of information, too. If you come off as resentful and wishing ill for anyone, people will pick right up on that and reject you as petty--and that won't be limited to the ones you're leaving behind.

Allow things to play out naturally, and be kind. You will thank yourself later.

I'm going off to college soon and am starting to distance myself from friends that I know I'm going to grow apart from. These friendships have been more one sided with me putting in more effort into them then what is reciprocated. This has left me with some animosity towards them and my goal is to move forward and build a life for myself that is filled with success and happiness while they are stuck in the same town we've grown up in. Is this petty? Am I wrong to want to be better than them? Also, even though I know cutting off these people is the right thing for me, I feel a little bad for leaving them in the dust because there were some good times. How can I gracefully cut ties with these people? Thanks

Just stop talking to them. What do you mean "better than?" Do you think because you're going to college and they aren't you are "better?" Lots of people are successful without college. Maybe there's a reason things are one sided...

My mother told me something once, when I was about your age and going in different directions than my childhood friends.

That it's not unusual to change your social circle about every 5 years. Outside of a couple best friends I have noticed throughout my life this same shift.

It's not about being `better'. It's about wanting something different. And that's not only ok, it's healthy.