Wife is texting & meeting another man?!

Where do I start?!

Been together 12 years and married last year, we have two kids under the age of ten.

Have always gone on well and seen as the perfect couple although our only issue or my wife's only issue is that I don't show her enough attention.

I very good with the kids and around the house have never mistreated or lied/cheated. My wife knows I love her but I just don't tell her very often.

In the bedroom department there is chemistry although with two young kids it's not as often as before.

Recently my wife said she had met another man out with her friends who added her on FB and for last 3 weeks they have been texting and only after asking I got it out of her that she has met up with him although she swears on the kids life that she hasn't slept with him she says speaking to him has made her realise she is unhappy with me.

I asked for a chance to change and to save our marriage and that she ended contact with him to which she said she couldn't and that was nothing to do with the fact that she wanted space to clear her head. She said space might help us realise if we miss each other etc.

I moved out to a friends and since then for the past week she continues texting this man. I went to see the kids and to cut a long story short we ended up in bed that night. The next morning I thought we had sorted things but she texted saying she is still confused and needs time.

I can't help but think it's just so she can test the water with this other guy and then end it with me.

At the moment we have agreed we are not together and she doesn't seem to want to sort things out. Is this the end or as she has told me she does love me but doesn't feel 100% in love me with do I give up or try to get her to agree to save our marriage and family.

I've watched a lot of videos saying not to do the crying and asking for a chance etc which to be fair I have already gone that route.

Right now I'm leaving her alone not texting or calling and only texting when it's to do with the kids.

Is it time to move on? Will she miss me and want me back? Should I want her back?

She has said part of her wants us to work but her heads a mess.

When I say ok so we're over then she replays well I don't think I've had enough time but if that's how you feel and I feel like this then we should just move on with our life's.

Maybe with no contact she will miss me and want me back.

Maybe she needs to meet this guy to see its not right for her. She said he's not her normal type he's 9 years older and he has two kids with two different people already. She says she just gets on with him and it's very matey and feels a connection with him.

I feel we have just lost our way a little and need to re connect as the love is there.

Very confusing times.

I guess all I can do is sit back and wait.

Sorry to hear this. Do you think she is having some sort of midlife crisis? Looking for excitement/attention form men? Were there problems before all this? It does sounds like she is testing the greener grass but wants a back up plan.

Recently my wife said she had met another man out with her friends who added her on FB and for last 3 weeks they have been texting and only after asking I got it out of her that she has met up with him although she swears on the kids life that she hasn't slept with him she says speaking to him has made her realise she is unhappy with me.

 

I moved out to a friends and since then for the past week she continues texting this man. I went to see the kids and to cut a long story short we ended up in bed that night. The next morning I thought we had sorted things but she texted saying she is still confused and needs time.

Yes her mum has also said it seems like a midlife crisis and she says that she is sure she will realise what she has in me and we will sort things.

I think she will pursue with this man until she knows what she wants.

We don't argue much and in the whole 12 years I've never left before or it's never been like this.

I do think she has got bored with the family life and liking the new attention.

Yeah, all that sounds very plausible. Agree she will have this dopey flirtation and then wake up. She may just need to feel attractive or wanted or something.

Yes her mum has also said it seems like a midlife crisis and she says that she is sure she will realise what she has in me and we will sort things. I do think she has got bored with the family life and liking the new attention.

Not sure how I should act now as telling her I love her and want to sort things hasn't worked.

Maybe leaving her alone and not having contact is the only way

Not sure how I should act now as telling her I love her and want to sort things hasn't worked.

 

Maybe leaving her alone and not having contact is the only way

I am sorry you are going through this and the only thing you have control over at this time is yourself. Continue handling yourself with integrity and limit your contact with her. As much as she may be confused it's hardly fair to keep you on ice while she sorts this out.

You may be waiting but she needs be aware that she is a capable of losing everything. That may help her sort things out a little faster.

The excitement of new love is enticing, but it's an illusion that always fades. She will discover that sooner or later if she pursues her present course. I would let her know you would like to reconcile, then give her space. Groveling will accomplish nothing. It sounds like you didn't do anything glaringly wrong, but sometimes love fades. It can, however, be rekindled if both parties are willing to try. I hope she'll give you another chance.

She's cheating on you, get back to the house and move in to a spare room or on to a sofa. Gather evidence of her activities, and get to a lawyer pronto to divorce her. She will take you for EVERYTHING otherwise.

I can't help but think it's just so she can test the water with this other guy and then end it with me.

 

At the moment we have agreed we are not together and she doesn't seem to want to sort things out

^^ Those are your words and I think it sums the whole thing up . I agree she is testing the water , enjoying the newness and the thrill . I suspect it was her who suggested you are both not together and I feel that is so she can come back if she wants to if *he* isn't right and always be able to say * but we weren't together*

It is a crap situation but not as out of control as you think . You are always in control of you , you can always make decisions for you and right now I suggest that is all you focus on , you and your children . Sorry for all you are going through .

The one who wants space, wants to have an emotional affair, isn't serious about the marriage anymore, should be the one to move out, not the one who wants to stay together and work on the relationship. Moving out is the harder thing thing to do, especially when it involves children, but it reflects THE REALITY of the choice being made by the person making it. My guess is that you did not have a premarital agreement that should one of you have doubts or have an affair the other one must agree to leave.

By you moving out you are symbolically agreeing to ending the relationship. I don't know about the logistics of divorcing with kids, but it might be seen as YOU leaving her and the children, when it doesn't sound like that is your intent at all. Perhaps you should get advice from a lawyer to find out how best to proceed if you don't want to divorce, and for best options for custody if you do divorce.

You moved out??? Dude you have 2 options:

Option A: go through the pain of ending you marriage

Option B: go through the pain of saving your marriage

I know A LOT about your situation as it is basically what happened to me.

Very sorry to hear this. This must be terrible for you. I'd echo the sentiments of previous posters - the novelty will wear off. Perhaps you could suggest going right back in the relationship and seeing a relationship counsellor. This might help her to get her head straight.

The worst case scenario as that she ends up with this guy, which would obviously be awful. But your relationship has lasted a long time and - sooner or later - it's very probable she'll realised what she's missed.

How are the kids taking it? It must be hard for you to care for them and deal with this, too.

Not sure how I should act now as telling her I love her and want to sort things hasn't worked.

 

Maybe leaving her alone and not having contact is the only way

Leaving her alone is the worst you can do!

She needs her man! You must wake up! Be the man she fell in love with!

You must restore the respect she had for you.

She said space might help us realise if we miss each other etc.

Right now she's not thinking about you or your marriage at all but rather she's figuring that this time apart gives her the perfect, guilt free opportunity to cheat (either physically or emotionally) with this dude. How good of a man could he be if he's horning in on her when he knows she's already in a relationship?

Sorry you're going through this but I think you should go back home and try a figure out your marriage and why she's allowing this guy to aid in its break down.

Why do people think it's OK to test the waters.

I don't get it when people say they want space, but then continue to text the other person as if that'll somehow magically make them suddenly realise that they want to fix their relationship.

It betrays all common sense and it's just so unfair on the person who has to wait whilst knowing an emotional affair is brewing in the background.

What's worst is how easy it is for good people who have good intention to fall into this trap unaware of what they are doing.

The real decision the wife should be making is taking a break from both people, and deciding what she wants to do with her relationship. Not entertaining another person so that she doesn't need to think about her own marriage.

"Is it time to move on?"

- If you love her and want to save the marriage..., NEVER move on or out!

"Will she miss me and want me back?"

- A question only a newbie would ask! She is in a super exciting place and hardly thinks about you at all.

"Should I want her back?"

- Crazy question that I attribute to your emotions and lack of infidelity skills.

First Aid:

1. When it comes to infidelity, there's nothing new under the sun.

2. Husbands who waste time lose there wives. Period! (Videos or anything in step with pop-culture will waste time.)

To understand infidelity, purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let her see this book!)

To understand why she is wayward purchase, Gary Smalley's "If only he knew"

PS, I saved my marriage.

Im sorry for whats going on but stand up for yourself. She wants to be with somone else she should get her things and get out of the house. You cheat your done unless you like that sort of thing. There's alot of things to sympathise and try for. Cheating isn't one IMO. I hope the children don't know. Where are they? Did you bring them with u? Does this guy know u exist?

Im sorry for whats going on but stand up for yourself. She wants to be with somone else she should get her things and get out of the house. You cheat your done unless you like that sort of thing. There's alot of things to sympathise and try for. Cheating isn't one IMO. I hope the children don't know. Where are they? Did you bring them with u? Does this guy know u exist?

The kids keep asking when am I coming home, my eldest I think has an idea of what is going on. I probably sound mad because many men would give up and move on however I know hoe our relationship has been over the last 12 years and how happy she and I were last year getting married that I cannot help but think he has got in her head.

I know she loves me and without him we would be fine.

Moving back isn't an option at the moment and I've tried talking to her and texting etc.

All I got back was I need time my heads a mess.

I explained what she is throwing away.

I waited on her hand and foot and she wanted for nothing, I took over when home from work with the kids and surly in time she will feel the impact of me not being there.

All I can do is take it day by day and hope that it fades off or that guy moves on etc

I call my kids every day at least once or twice and see them every weekend but as I'm staying with a friend I'm not in the position to have them over night. Plus I don't want to do that to give her the freedom to do what she wants with this guy.

Just wasn't sure if anyone else had been in this position, I hear of people who always break up and get back together and as I said before I've never left before and we haven't had many big arguements so it is really first strike and out for us?!

The kids keep asking when am I coming home, my eldest I think has an idea of what is going on. I probably sound mad because many men would give up and move on however I know hoe our relationship has been over the last 12 years and how happy she and I were last year getting married that I cannot help but think he has got in her head.

 

I know she loves me and without him we would be fine.

You're placing responsibility on the wrong person. She let him get into her head.

Why did she let him into her head? There is an underlying reason. Even if he wasn't there, an issue would have developed.

It's more about her. Not him. Both are responsible, but more so her. Don't forget that.

I took over when home from work with the kids and surly in time she will feel the impact of me not being there.

 

All I can do is take it day by day and hope that it fades off or that guy moves on etc

This is only true if she is not in contact with him. Think about rebound relationships - why is it the case where the person doesn't miss the person at all whilst in a new relationship? It's because they are spending time with their new connection.

If she's with him. You not being there is only going to allow her to focus her attention fully on the other person. Yet unfortunately, there's nothing that you can do about it as well in my opinion. It's a tough position to be in because you can't force her to come back to you through pleading or explaining things through logic.

Hell, even asking her to stop contacting the other dude might be too much. However it is the best option for working on your relationship, unless you don't mind her testing the water for months, only for a chance that she MAY come back at the end of it.

Just wasn't sure if anyone else had been in this position, I hear of people who always break up and get back together and as I said before I've never left before and we haven't had many big arguements so it is really first strike and out for us?!

People do break up and get back together but it's worth noting that many of these relationships don't have another person in the picture, and if they do get back together after the "rebound", it's usually been a good few months to a year. Is that something you really want for your relationship? You will end up going through hell if she stays in contact with him.

Honestly, as soon as I found out about this other guy, I would have demanded couple's counselling, and divorce otherwise. What you're doing right now is not gonna make the heart grow fonder. I don't see how you can respect yourself being moved out when obviously she is gonna hook up with this guy. You shouldn't have done that, but what's done is done. You haven't lost your way "a little". You've played right into her hands.

This post makes me sad. You are hoping that everyone else will make this right. The kids missing you will create problems, or he will move or she will forget him. In the meantime you have created a void in your children's lives by moving out as well the the perfect opportunity for her to continue with him.

She can not kick you out of your own house you are not divorced. It sounds like you are running away, sticking your head in the sand and crossing your fingers that he will go or she will get over him. Move back in be there for your kids as well as present in the marriage. Then explain that there are two options. marriage counseling or divorce papers with you filing for full custody.

She has zero consequences for her actions when you move out and wish and hope the affair ends but take no definitive action...Stop talking about what 'she's throwing away' and focus on your kids and explain the you have grounds for divorce.

I know she loves me and without him we would be fine. Moving back isn't an option at the moment and I've tried talking to her and texting etc.

The kids keep asking when am I coming home, my eldest I think has an idea of what is going on. I probably sound mad because many men would give up and move on however I know hoe our relationship has been over the last 12 years and how happy she and I were last year getting married that I cannot help but think he has got in her head.

 

I know she loves me and without him we would be fine.

 

Moving back isn't an option at the moment and I've tried talking to her and texting etc.

 

All I got back was I need time my heads a mess.

 

I explained what she is throwing away.

 

I waited on her hand and foot and she wanted for nothing, I took over when home from work with the kids and surly in time she will feel the impact of me not being there.

 

All I can do is take it day by day and hope that it fades off or that guy moves on etc

 

I call my kids every day at least once or twice and see them every weekend but as I'm staying with a friend I'm not in the position to have them over night. Plus I don't want to do that to give her the freedom to do what she wants with this guy.

 

Just wasn't sure if anyone else had been in this position, I hear of people who always break up and get back together and as I said before I've never left before and we haven't had many big arguements so it is really first strike and out for us?!

You can not use logic with her!!! You are your own worst enemy right now.

"Just wasn't sure if anyone else had been in this position..."

- Millions a day, hundreds here on ENA, and billions since the dawn of time.

The problem isn't a scarcity of advisers, the problem is you and your refusal to listen.

Did you get Dobson?

Dude.

You need to start taking control here. Pretend your story is something a friend came and told you - what would say to that person?

Listen. You need to get back to the house pronto. You are abandoning your children for crying out loud!!! Those poor kids see there wh*re of a mother running around while you end up moving out?!?! What kind of message are you teaching them? Don't be a doormat!! Fight for those kids - show them what a real man is! Show them how to be in control in life.

You need to see an attorney right away and you need to divorce that woman. Why on earth do you think it is okay to be cheated on? She even tells you that she is cheating on you! Get yourself some self respect! Look up doing "the 180", get back in that house, and see an attorney right away! Expose that woman to friends and family as a cheater and home-wrecker! So she is testing the waters?!?! Are you kidding me? So let's say she comes back, what happens the next time she wants to test the waters? Are you going to allow this the rest of your lives together? Do you want to be disrespected and feel like this the rest of your life? Time to rip off the bandaid.

I have been in your place. I struggled but ended up divorcing. It was hard, but it was all for the better!! I love life now! Mostly because I said enough and took control! No way I will ever allow to be disrespected by a cheater again. Live is too short and there are plenty of women who would love to be with a good man.

I have been divorced for years and my ex still begs me for a another chance and how she messed up. The best part is I have the power to say NO WAY! I have too much self respect.

I know it hurts, but if you start the charge ahead, you will find out how strong you can be and how it is her loss! Start today by seeing an attorney and kicking her to the curb!

You will get through this.

Dude... you need to step-up and behave like a friggin man! The reason she is treating you like a giant wet cat is because you are behaving like a giant wet cat! I'm not trying to kick you while you're down, but only speaking to you like I would a close friend who has lost sight of the situation. If not for yourself, set an example for your children that "this" is not acceptable.