Brother-in-law won't move out

Hi, everyone,

I just joined this forum to get advice on this issue. Hope I am posting it to the correct subforum and following guidelines. Here is my issue:

My wife and I are in our early 30s and are expecting our first child, a boy, in just 3 days. We have everything set and are good to go, but one issue has been causing me frustration and stress, actually more stress than the coming baby.

My brother in law has been living with us for one year now. We live in a three-bedroom apartment and had an extra room. Previously he was living with his parents a few hours away, not really working or doing much. He failed out of college several years ago and has been trying unsuccessfully to re-enroll. We figured that it would be good for him to move in with us for a few weeks to get on his feet, find a job (there are more jobs available where we live than where his parents lived), and eventually move out. He is 28 years old. I was happy to have him move in because I thought it would do him good, and had a good relationship with him.

Unfortunately, the due date is now 3 days away and he is still living with us. We told our families about the pregnancy in January, so now he has had over six months to find a place. He has not done so. He has shown some evidence of looking for his own place, but seems to be moving at a snail's pace; he's been looking for the past two months and hasn't found anything. I feel frustrated because it is the weekend and he is off but hasn't done much. He should be driving around town seeing what apartment complexes have units available, and making phone calls seeing what is available. I think he has sent a few emails/messages over Craig's List but hasn't done anything else.

He has a full time job and a car, and hasn't been paying us any rent for a year. I'm not sure why it is so difficult to find a place. Finding an apartment isn't something that can be done overnight but it is not an insurmountable task. As far as I know he has nothing else on his plate besides his job.

Part of his failure to find a place comes from his lack of life experience. I don't know if he has lived on his own, besides 1-2 years of college, so I think he doesn't really know how to find an apartment. The main reason, I think, is that I suspect that he really doesn't feel any sense of urgency in terms of moving out. He seems to be happy living with his sister and her husband (me), working (luckily he has found a full time factory job since he moved in), and staying in his room the rest of the time.

I'm really annoyed that the impending birth of our child hasn't motivated him to try harder to move out, my wife has been pregnant for nine months now. Come on already! I feel a little like the guy in that scene of Austin Powers that gets run over by the steam roller; he doesn't get out of the way, even the the steam roller keeps coming at a super slow, glacial pace.

Part of this issue is cultural. I am white and my wife's family is Mexican (born and raised). For me it seems strange to have a 28 year old grown man still living with family members. I can understand somebody just out of college with a lot of debt staying at home for a little while, maybe somebody 24, 25, but after a while enough is enough. I don't understand why he doesn't (seem to) want to move out and get his own place. On the other hand, my wife seems reluctant to put too much pressure on him. We have talked extensively about this and she has said that for her culture--or at least her family--apparently it is normal for adult children to live with their parents well into their 20s and 30s, at least until they get married. She also would like him to move out, but her urge for him to leave isn't nearly as strongly and mine. She says that she keeps asking about how the apartment search is going mainly because it is me who wants him to leave.

On one hand, my brother in law is a nice guy and I like him, he is genuinely a good person and an okay roommate. I do not want him to leave because he is messy, or inconsiderate, I'm just tired of him living with us and I think he has overstayed his welcome since he moved in last July. I am afraid that I will snap and lose my temper with him in a few weeks, when my wife and I are sleep deprived, stressed, and trying to figure out how to take care of a baby. If possible I would like to prevent such a situation.

So, I am wondering what all of you think I should do? It seems a family meeting is in order. I have not communicated any of these thoughts to him--I have to my wife though--but I feel that it should be made clear that he needs to go at some point. I do know that any sort of message to my brother in law should come from my wife, not from me, but she has been somewhat reluctant to put pressure on him, and I feel that if nobody applies pressure for him to leave, he never will. I also don't want to get into a fight with my wife when she could go into labor at any moment!

Another option is to just do nothing and wait a week or two until the baby comes. Maybe just living with a newborn baby and new parents will be enough to encourage him to move out.

Hope that wasn't too long. Thank you in advance for any advice. A lot of online forums deal with the 'how to get my brother in law to leave' but none have addressed the inter-cultural aspect of the issue.

Thanks again!

This man needs some though love. He hasn't paid you any rent all the time he's lived there. You need to toughen up yourself. Don't be afraid to tell him he's got to leave, give him an end date and stick to it. This should have been done ages ago, but better late than never. Your not helping yourself or him if you carry on letting him free loAd. And you have enough on your plate you don't need this. Harden up, your part of the problem if you don't.

It's got nothing to do with culture..this man is free loading. I understand how you do not want to upset your wife in such a critical time but you really should have fixed this before she got to this point in her pregnancy.

He is having such a difficult time finding another place because he is living there for free...who wouldn't have a difficult time moving out of that situation?Free is free.

You need to tell both him and your wife that he only has this amount of time (set a date) to be out of your place and stick to it. Be as gentle as you feel you need to be, but on the other hand, make sure that he understands that this is the way it has to be.

I understand that family helps one another,but this has gone way beyond and he is now using you and infringing on your life and it's no longer fair or okay.

I think you need to tell him a date and have him move out. That he's not even paying you rent? Pfft. I would say that maybe he would be helpful to have around once the baby comes to help with errands, but it doesn't sound like he would be that type.

I would tell him be out in 24 hours or I throw your stuff outside. Period.

He has a full time job and a car, and hasn't been paying us any rent for a year. I'm not sure why it is so difficult to find a place.

Because you have been the enabler in this situation. You are in as much fault here as he is.

Why should he go look for his own place and pay property tax when he can live with you for FREE? He does not receive any consequences for living rent free because you allow him to.

You and him should have communicated expectations when he moved in- that he had half a year to find a job or he needs to leave. You should of laid them out once he had a full-time job- how much he would owe per month. And since you did not go over these expectations, you are going to end up souring your relationship with this man.

Your wife and your incoming child are a higher priority right now. You need to tell him that with a new baby coming, he can no longer live with you all and that he has at least a week to find a new home or he will be kicked out. Do not make up any excuses to keep him longer, do not pardon his behavior. Follow your word and mean some business here.

Part of this issue is cultural. I am white and my wife's family is Mexican (born and raised)

I'm Hispanic, and I even call this BS. He's playing you because you are white.

Don't even give him the option to play the race/culture card just because you are white. He thinks he can get away with it and he will continue to take advantage of you if you let him. Be no nonsense with him and tell him to buzz off.

Stop making excuses and enabling this guy! You are a HUGE part of the problem. I can't believe you have ALLOWED him to live there, rent-free! UGH!

Of course, he doesn't want to leave, as he will have to grow up, be responsible and pay his own bills.

This is on the three of you. You need to tell him that he needs to be out in two weeks. Period! Any idiot can find an apartment.

I hope you don't raise your kid this way!