My best friend wants to date me.

I'm female and I've known my best male friend for about 7 years. We met in college and instantly became very close. I was in a relationship at that time and he never seemed to have an issue with that, meaning he never told me his intentions had been wanting to date me. I'd always assumed he didn't want more than friendship either. Well, I was very wrong. I moved to another city far away from college and we stayed in touch through email, phone for about 2 years. In that time I had become single and recently met a new guy I'm now dating. My friend, in around that same time frame, decided to move to the city I'm in to be closer to me and find a new job. He didn't enjoy his old job as much and a lot of his friends either started families or moved away. He started feeling lonely and wanted to be closer to his really good friend: me.

Before he moved here he told me his intentions of wanting a relationship. He'd been wanting it the entire time he knew me and figured that he could approach me while I was single. I was of course pretty shocked. I told him I met someone recently and that I wanted to get serious with that guy. He decided to move here anyway and to continue being my friend. Ok, I figured I can't be more than honest and everyone is essentially responsible for themselves. I also have a great friendship with the guy. I was happy he wanted to continue that. It's becoming problematic now. He's getting irritated when I spend time with my boyfriend. He refuses to join parties my boyfriend will be at. We usually end up fighting and he'll apologize and tell me he just needs to get his jealousy under control. Then we'll get along great again... Should I end the friendship or can I expect him to be responsible for his own feelings? The friendship means a lot and I'd rather not end it, but I'm starting to feel partially guilty for enabling something, even though I've never been unclear about my intentions.

I think you need to spend less time with him. He's not really a friend anymore. You are asking someone to turn off their feelings, not going to happen.

It would be kinder to end it.

Dear Guacamolesauce,

Do you have feelings for your best friend?

And out of curiosity, does your best friend speak and write with proper grammar? I am only asking because of your previous thread about your present boyfriend's grammar.

Examine your heart, and trust your gut.

Youareworthy

Dear Guacamolesauce,

 

Do you have feelings for your best friend?

 

And out of curiosity, does your best friend speak and write with proper grammar? I am only asking because of your previous thread about your present boyfriend's grammar.

 

Examine your heart, and trust your gut.

 

Youareworthy

haha! I value him as a friend very much and he does speak proper grammar, yes. However, I couldn't see myself in a relationship. Despite my boyfriend speaking like a lumberjack sometimes, he has my heart.

When you're young, it's common to have best friends of the opposite sex. As people get older and enter into a serious relationship, those opposite sex friends usually get pushed to the backburner, as they hold a different dynamic than same sex friendships (in speaking of heterosexuals, of course). Those intense opposite sex friendships aren't meant to last, especially when one person has a crush on the other. I know I wouldn't have dated my husband if he had a female best friend, even if she was like his sister. I want to be the only important female in his life besides his relatives. I'm sure my husband wouldn't put up with me having a guy best friend, especially one who had a crush on me.

Your friendship with him has run its course. It once suited your purposes, but now it's problematic and not satisfying. It's not good for you, it's not good for your boyfriend, and it's not good for your "friend." You will have to be the strong one and end it, because he obviously doesn't have the sense to do what's right for himself.

Your friend is a rather creepy gutless type, clearly not very confident because if he was interested in you he should have made a pass at you seen years ago. If you want a stalker in your life continue to be 'friends' with him, though quite what he'll be like to you after he realises he's spent a quarter of his life wasting his time is anybody's guess. He will most likely give up and just fade out of your life, so out him out of his misery and drop him as a friend now. If only for his sake.

It probably would have been a good idea if you advised him not to move to your area just to be closer to you before he actually made the move. It's not really surprising that things ended up as they are now with him refusing to get together when your boyfriend is present and being irritated that you choose to spend time with your boyfriend instead of him. After all, he actually moved to a whole new city to be closer to you & you won't even see him on (insert date here)? At least, I'm sure that's the way he sees it. Plus, that must be so awkward now. I'm surprised your bf is ok with you spending time alone with this friend when the friend told you he had feelings for you. At the same time, you are right that his decisions belong to him and you told him you were in a relationship and he chose to move there anyway. It just sucks that now it's a problem you have to deal with.

I suppose I would limit time spent with him and be sure that you are very clear and consistent in all ways (words, actions, body language) that you will never be interested in more than friendship, regardless of how things turn out with your current boyfriend. Consider ending the friendship if it continues to be a source of conflict.

IF your bf had a female best friend who had a crush on him and was periodically arguing with him about spending time together, how would you feel? Uncomfortable I would imagine.

I'd say severely limit your time with this guy and tell him it's out of respect for your relationship.

It would be for the best to part ways at this point.He may not understand it now, but every time you interact with him without giving him what he's hoping for ,will be rejection all over again -a reminder that for whatever reason he's not what you want. Two people could be friends if one of them wanted more, but in this case, your friend wants way more than you care to give, and he's not buying the "friends" thing. More like he thinks he can win you if she tries hard enough.

Probably kinder to cut ties with him

The friendship means a lot and I'd rather not end it, but I'm starting to feel partially guilty for enabling something, even though I've never been unclear about my intentions.

Why would you feel guilty for "enabling something" after repeatedly making your intentions clear?

Haha! I value him as a friend very much and he does speak proper grammar, yes. However, I couldn't see myself in a relationship. Despite my boyfriend speaking like a lumberjack sometimes, he has my heart.

Dear Guacamolesauce,

Voilà! In one sentence, you have solved the dilemmas of both of your recent posts!

You love your boyfriend enough that the grammar is not a big enough issue to break up.

You do not love your best friend in a romantic way, so you need to let go of him in order to protect the relationship with the man who has your heart.

Well done, you!

Youareworthy

Something about this makes me feel uneasy.

He was so unhappy with his job that he quit. He was so unhappy where he was that he decided to move. He felt so much more attached to you than anyone else in the world, that even in the face of blunt rejection (I hurt for the guy reading that you'd rather get close to someone you met recently), that he chose to move to your city and try to use you as a pillar of strength in his life anyway.

If you really want to be his friend, you might want to research and suggest some counseling that might help him, or maybe try to hook him up with some social networks that don't involve you... something along those lines. Whatever you have been doing is not helping him or sending the right message. Definitely don't say or do anything that leads him to believe you could be a couple in the future. As things are now, he probably does sincerely want to be your friend, but it sounds like he keeps taking unhealthy steps towards losing his mind over you. Of course, you have the right to not worry about any of this too and can just stop being his friend as others have suggested. That might be easier on everyone, I just wanted to point out how drastic the actions he has been taking are, and that it sounds like this situation is going beyond "I want to date you."

It probably would have been a good idea if you advised him not to move to your area just to be closer to you before he actually made the move. It's not really surprising that things ended up as they are now with him refusing to get together when your boyfriend is present and being irritated that you choose to spend time with your boyfriend instead of him. After all, he actually moved to a whole new city to be closer to you & you won't even see him on (insert date here)? At least, I'm sure that's the way he sees it. Plus, that must be so awkward now. I'm surprised your bf is ok with you spending time alone with this friend when the friend told you he had feelings for you. At the same time, you are right that his decisions belong to him and you told him you were in a relationship and he chose to move there anyway. It just sucks that now it's a problem you have to deal with.

 

I suppose I would limit time spent with him and be sure that you are very clear and consistent in all ways (words, actions, body language) that you will never be interested in more than friendship, regardless of how things turn out with your current boyfriend. Consider ending the friendship if it continues to be a source of conflict.

Yeah, it's a tricky situation. I did tell him I had a new boyfriend before he moved here, but he insisted on just wanting to be near me as good friend, since all of his other friends back home moved away or got involved with their own life planning. But yes, I think spending less time with him is in order... My current boyfriend doesn't like the guy very much, understandably so. It's just sad that my friendship of 7 years has come to such an awkward end.

Why would you feel guilty for "enabling something" after repeatedly making your intentions clear?

I don't know. It might not be rational, but like people have said on here, I could just cut ties with him completely.

Dear Guacamolesauce,

 

Voilà! In one sentence, you have solved the dilemmas of both of your recent posts!

 

You love your boyfriend enough that the grammar is not a big enough issue to break up.

 

You do not love your best friend in a romantic way, so you need to let go of him in order to protect the relationship with the man who has your heart.

 

Well done, you!

 

Youareworthy

Holy "Guacamole"! Well played Sometimes it's so easy...

Something about this makes me feel uneasy.

 

He was so unhappy with his job that he quit. He was so unhappy where he was that he decided to move. He felt so much more attached to you than anyone else in the world, that even in the face of blunt rejection (I hurt for the guy reading that you'd rather get close to someone you met recently), that he chose to move to your city and try to use you as a pillar of strength in his life anyway.

 

If you really want to be his friend, you might want to research and suggest some counseling that might help him, or maybe try to hook him up with some social networks that don't involve you... something along those lines. Whatever you have been doing is not helping him or sending the right message. Definitely don't say or do anything that leads him to believe you could be a couple in the future. As things are now, he probably does sincerely want to be your friend, but it sounds like he keeps taking unhealthy steps towards losing his mind over you. Of course, you have the right to not worry about any of this too and can just stop being his friend as others have suggested. That might be easier on everyone, I just wanted to point out how drastic the actions he has been taking are, and that it sounds like this situation is going beyond "I want to date you."

Yeah I agree.. Just dropping him like a hot potato feels very wrong, since I'm not just rejecting a stranger, but a good friend of many years. I think counseling would help him and I should suggest that. I don't want to be responsible for more misery and I do want to help him... It's really hard. He's not a social person and has a hard time meeting new people.

I vote for end it. The guy went ahead and moved thinking he could get you to change your mind and now he's angry he hasn't been able to do so. Which is also a very not cool thing to do, vulturing a friend's relationship is just one step shy of treason in my eyes. I've had "friends" try it both to me and various people I dated including my current husband and it never ends well.

Tell your friend as much as you regret ending things you are not going to be the solution to his loneliness, he needs to get other friends, and the ongoing jealousy is simply unacceptable no matter how many times he apologizes. Then you block and delete him and do not engage no matter how much he promises he'll reign it in. He can't reign it in and he needs time, a lot of time if he went years hoping some day he could make his move BTW, to get over you and move past it. Recommend therapy sure, but it's up to him to get that therapy.

Do not make the mistake of you think you're helping by remaining in contact, because you aren't. You are only reinforcing his idea that if he "fights" for you long enough he will get his way, because that's what this is. A true friend is happy you're happy, someone with an agenda that doesn't line up with yours is only happy if you line up with their agenda. Plus it's really hard to be friends with someone who had an ulterior motive the entire time. His motive to move to your place was in hopes he could change your mind and that you would fix his life for him. Neither of these make a good basis for anything plus it's a tad unloyal to your boyfriend to have some guy hanging around hoping to get in your pants and getting upset and throwing tantrums over you spending time with him.

Nothing but trouble comes of it and warn the boyfriend that's why you're ending the friendship, so the "friend" doesn't come up with some sort of rumor or other actions to try and break you two up.

P.S. If you stay in contact with him even after being advised not to do so I suggest at the very least the moment he starts any sort of argument or "oh buts" you immediately hang up the phone or walk out on him. Refuse to argue back, change his mind, stick up for your choices. A calm, "I am not arguing about this or changing my mind" is the only way to handle it. And then you walk away and you keep refusing to let any conversation or argument come up.

And it's on him to figure out how to make friends. That's not your job. Don't let pity walk you into a position where your boyfriend could get upset and think something was going on or worse a potential stalking situation. And I hate to bring that up, but it's kind of not normal this guy told you how he felt, you responded you had no romantic interest in him, and he still moved anyways. And has been trying to guilt you to death about your own choices in your life since because he hasn't gotten his way. That's not friendship, that's selfishness.

Any contact with someone who has feelings for you just makes them think they still have a shot. Letting him slag your boyfriend and get upset about it while you argue with him still lets him think he has a shot. Seeing the guy without your boyfriend present still lets him think he has a shot. And your assumption the guy isn't a little bit delusional about the whole deal is very wrong, because a sane person would not have moved to where someone who told him they were not interested and had met someone else was.