To stay or let her go? Anxiety & depression is tearing our relationship apart.

I'm 28 years old and have been in relationships before, but nothing this serious or committed. This is the first time I've moved in with someone and decided to share my life with them, and I'm really trying to make this work because I believe my girlfriend and I have a future together. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and we've lived together now for 1.5.

I'm not really good at this stuff, but to sum it up I feel like I am dating half a person lately ... and I'm faced with a really difficult decision to either try and make this work or simply let it go.

I want to make sure I'm making the right decision for myself, my girlfriend, and I'm wondering if anyone out there has been in a similar situation or can impart some wisdom from an outside perspective.

My girlfriend suffers from anxiety and depression - but lately it's completely consumed her. Her new job is very demanding; she works 6 days a week, 44+ hours a week. Since she is one of 3 employees, sometimes she is working 12 or 14 days straight before she gets a day off. Her boss has no interest in changing this pace or raising wages for compensation - at least not for the foreseeable future. It's obvious to me that she's unhappy, burnt out and overworked; mentally, emotionally and physically. Most nights she vents her stresses to me, then wants to be left alone. Weekends are spent vegetating indoors and watching netflix because she doesn't have much energy for anything else. She constantly tells me how miserable she is with every aspect of her life (including me and our relationship), and how she constantly wants to die. It's frightening and downright unhealthy.

It's been like this for the better half of the year... So where does this leave me? Well, to be honest, I don't know.

I go to work, I come home, I tidy up the apartment / get food, she comes home, we barely talk, we fall asleep. I wake up, I go to work... repeat.

Needless to say I'm pretty unhappy - not only unhappy with our quality of our life together, but I can see how much my girlfriend is suffering too.

The unfortunate part is that it's very difficult to talk to her. When I try to bring up my feelings she's combative, defensive, aggressive... and we're both super sensitive people.

She calls me selfish, mean and inconsiderate for telling her how I feel ... and quickly tells me that she's moving out and leaving me because she "can't deal with anything anymore".

I've suggested counselling, couples counselling, meditation... she has no comment on these options and will not help herself in any other way. She went to *one* counselling session, and simply said it was a waste of time and money and never went back.

Sometimes I think it's me - she tells me I'm a hurtful, selfish person. I used to be really easy going and confident, and now I have no idea who I am. Last time things got really bad like this I went to about 8 sessions of private counselling hoping to improve myself. I've tried not to take her condition so personally (which is really hard) and give her the benefit of the doubt. I try to take care of myself and my own needs too... while working to be a better listener, more understanding, and be more patient. I read a lot about depression and anxiety and how it affects partners and families, and I'm trying very hard to be there for her and take care of things that she can't handle right now .... but she reminds me that my best still isn't good enough. We're not intimate at all, we're not close like we used to be, she constantly laments about how much happier she was alone.

To be honest... as time goes on I feel like I'm with someone who doesn't have time for me. I feel like I'm investing in someone who doesn't care about my happiness, who doesn't want to be with me, who takes me for granted and doesn't appreciate me. Someone who's so wrapped up in their own world that they don't even see me, I always try and fight with her to stay and work things out but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. It's gotten to a point where something has to give - should I just let her go?

Why doesn't she change jobs?

Its a relatively new business and a good opportunity, she's hoping they hire someone soon and things even out... I just don't know if she can wait that long before losing all her marbles.

She's also hoping if she toughs it out she'll be promoted, she's a really, really hard worker and definitely deserves it.

Anxiety is pretty crippling though - so the thought of quitting and starting over again is probably unimaginably overwhelming. Money's also kind of tight and a big stress for her.

She calls me selfish, mean and inconsiderate for telling her how I feel ... and quickly tells me that she's moving out and leaving me because she "can't deal with anything anymore".

Not an easy thing to say to someone but I truly think that severing the relationship would be in both your best interests. She needs to understand that her anxiety and depression is something that she needs to treat and have ongoing therapy to overcome. Enabling her to not have to do the hard work she needs to do by staying with her and letting her coast isn't doing her any favors and it certainly isn't conducive to you being happy within your union.

She's not in a head space to be nurturing a relationship with you or anyone else for that matter. Give her the gift of hopefully learning (by losing you) that she needs to do something about her present state of mind if she wants to have a partner stay with her. Give yourself the gift of being free to find someone who doesn't need fixing and is pumped to be out doing fun things with you after a day at work.

Honestly, I think you would be happier apart.

she has a number of complaints about how miserable she is with you and how much better of she was alone. since you are a nuisance and a hindrance to her i don't see why you should be bending over backwards to *improve yourself*, not like it shows on *her* personal growth chart or makes her a better partner.

i would dump her and let her address her own mental health, job issues, her groceries, frustrations and her netflix time on her own.

Depression can be a relationship killer. Read through my threads. My exbf suffered from depression. He never got nasty with me...but felt hopeless and sad about every aspect of life, including our relationship. It's no way to live...and once you have done all you can for someone, the only thing left is to leave. It's hard, and not a decision I would make lightly, but you have to think of your own happiness too.

She's not in a head space to be nurturing a relationship with you or anyone else for that matter. Give her the gift of hopefully learning (by losing you) that she needs to do something about her present state of mind if she wants to have a partner stay with her.

You're pretty much echoing some of my biggest fears right here.

In my darkest, most private thoughts I just don't think she'll learn... she has a history of running away and ignoring her problems.

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.

Honestly, I think you would be happier apart.

I appreciate your opinion. Thanks.

she has a number of complaints about how miserable she is with you and how much better of she was alone. since you are a nuisance and a hindrance to her i don't see why you should be bending over backwards to *improve yourself*, not like it shows on *her* personal growth chart or makes her a better partner.

Hah - that's how I feel a lot of the time, like a nuisance.

I sought out counselling because I really value her opinion, I thought her feedback was legitimate and coming from a good place - so I sought to improve myself for myself.

It's just unfortunate (and ironic) she doesn't see the value of therapy.

She's tenacious though, the kicker is I could leave and she'll find a way to press on. I'm sure she'd appreciate whatever hardship it caused as a distraction from her own thoughts.

Depression can be a relationship killer. Read through my threads. My exbf suffered from depression. He never got nasty with me...but felt hopeless and sad about every aspect of life, including our relationship. It's no way to live...and once you have done all you can for someone, the only thing left is to leave. It's hard, and not a decision I would make lightly, but you have to think of your own happiness too.

My happiness is with her - or was with her - and I'm trying to get it back.

I understand too that if I pursue this seriously it probably wont be the last time we do battle with these issues of depression and anxiety. I just don't know what more I can do or how I can communicate my feelings in a way that wont lead to a fight. I'm trying to find some balance, some silver lining. She acts like she's coming under fire when I try and tell her how this makes me feel; she just isn't interested in hearing or dealing with it. She says she loves me but... her one and only solution is getting the hell out of dodge.

Ill check out your threads, I appreciate it.

You sound very sweet. Very patient and understanding. But even very sweet and understanding people have their limits.

I've been in your gfs shoes. Having a supportive partner, and not going for proper treatment of something I knew was an issue. Living together makes things all the more real and challenging. Work, obligations, life.

And she is taking you for granted.

She gets so defensive and her one and only response is to get the hell out of dodge because she doesn't have the skills. She doesn't have the coping nor relationship skills yet. She can not even tell you she doesn't have those skills, she lacks that awareness even right now. She's busy thinking the problem is something else. It's you, it's work, it's everyone asking too much of her. She's not ready to take responsibility for it.

The only way for things to get better is if she decides to do something on her end. There is nothing more you can do. You have done above and beyond. This is where the reciprocal part comes in. And she is telling you pretty loud and clear she can not, will not, do what it takes to make that happen. To even try.

That's heartbreaking, and she is going to kick her self down the line for it. Or maybe she will never learn. But that's not something you can control.

She is very lucky to have had you in her life. You have loved her. Not only with words but real actions. You did your best. It is ok to cut your losses and go. Go before you are worn down to a stub of yourself too, and resent her. Go while you still care.

I'm sorry I can't say from my heart that I think you would have a good chance if you stuck around. I think you have exhausted your limits. She is at a breaking point beyond her resources already. She doesn't have it to give you. And you deserve to feel and be shown you are loved back, that you are seen.

BTW, one of my strong points as well is that I am very tenacious and a very hard worker. The flip side to that is that it can sometimes manifest in a stubborness. Do you find that with her? That sometimes it feels like she gets something in her mind, and that's it, it's like talking to a brick wall?

BTW, one of my strong points as well is that I am very tenacious and a very hard worker. The flip side to that is that it can sometimes manifest in a stubborness. Do you find that with her? That sometimes it feels like she gets something in her mind, and that's it, it's like talking to a brick wall?

Wow, absolutely... She's incredibly stubborn in that sense. She has wonderful moments of clarity and reason, but when I try to talk about my feelings (on this particular issue) she shuts down and assumes an opinion of me that is very difficult to change. She'll actually say things like "lets not fool ourselves you're just putting up with me" - which I never expressed, or even feel that way - but heaven help you try to change her mind, she'll actually try to argue with me about how I feel.

It's funny... I'll tell her my feelings (just like I wrote out here) and she'll say something along the lines of:

"Thanks. I hope you feel better. I'll collect my things and come up with a plan on my own, its just unfortunate I spent all my money shopping yesterday so I can only afford a hotel room for tonight. I'm blocking you now because you're hurtful. I've thought about this and I get it, which is why I'm leaving. There's nothing more I can do and I understand how you feel. For my own sanity I can't right now. There's nothing more to discuss so please leave me alone. Do you actually know what it's like to want to die? I struggle to get up daily and not kill, myself what makes you think I have the capacity to deal with this? This is no longer your business."

Not quite verbatim, but pretty close. When she comes home she'll cold shoulder / ignore me. She makes me feel like I'm some kind of heinous jerk ... but I've literally done nothing except express myself, tell her how painful this, all while trying to remain supportive.

It's tough because shes combative yet simultaneously self deprecating.

I also feel like there's some... strange, manipulative, guilt-trip quality to all this... but maybe I'm reading into it too much now. I don't know how much of this is anxiety / depression, and how much of it is just... well, who knows. I just wish she saw how much I loved her, because I don't think she does or will ever see it.

I'll trying to see her side of this through the "fog of war" so to speak, but like you said - it's pretty loud and clear she wants to bail.

No, I think you are right that there is a manipulative aspect to her communication. Again, goes back to her lack of skills of expressing herself in a healthy way and ability to cope.

On the emotional intelligence level, you are way beyond her. She's way out of her field when it comes to dealing with you. And she's not ready for a serious relationship living together like this. She just isn't.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It does look like she has essentially made up her mind taht the one way to deal with this is to cut out the 'problem' (the relationship). Another common tactic of people with a lot of anxiety, to run and to cut out entire relationships and experiences rather than to deal with them and accept that things will not always be easy. The tendency is to think that if there is some challenge involved in it, then everything about it is wrong. It's the black and white thinking in action again.

You are almost living my life. I wish I could tell you there is a way to fix this, but depression and anxiety is really hard on a relationship. It is very common for depressed partners to blame their issues on their significant other. I wish I had an answer for you, as the woman I love has these same issues. And it has wrecked our relationship. If she won't get help, there is unfortunately nothing you can do. I wish you solace and peace. I am so sorry for your pain.

Leave her.

It is a guilt trip. Nobody has it easy. She is not The One in The Worst situation. We all are. Each and everyone of us is challenged with out biggest challenge. And when that is tackled, another challenge comes up. This is how the life goes.

Your cohabitation with her definitely taught you something. You did not waste your time, because you were moving, growing, trying different things.

If she considers you hurtful and you love her, you must leave. This is just as simple as love can be. You can not impose yourself in negative way on the person you care for. She laments that she was happier alone? Make it happen. She tells you that she knows you are just putting up with her? And you never felt this way? What she is really telling you is that it is her who puts up with you.

She clearly gives you all signs that she is tired and not interested in r/s with you. She is probably looking for an excuse to break it off but your willingness to accommodate her makes it very hard for her to find this excuse. And the more accommodating you become, the more frustration she will feel.

The best you can do is to stop accommodating her, it goes nowhere. Break it off.

Untreated depression and anxiety is the kiss of death for a relationship.

She is being manipulative, talking about wanting to die but yet completely unwilling to pursue any kind of treatment. If someone is suffering with untreated depression, the feelings of hopelessness can be quite profound and it is easier to blame external factors (work, relationships) than to face the illness itself. If this is the case, the sufferer sometimes needs a loved one to help them face it, but ultimately for the treatment to work they have to do the work, and their loved one can only play a supportive role. The rest is up to them. It sounds as if you have done everything you can to try and support her but if she isn't willing, there is nothing else you can do.

I was with a depressed person for a very long time and although he occasionally made half hearted attempts to get treatment, he never followed through, and the time just kept passing us by. I finally realized I couldn't do it any longer, I was becoming very resentful and bitter at how much time I was wasting in a situation that was going nowhere. I take my share of responsibility as I stuck around far longer than I should have and that is something I have been addressing but I struggle with regret about the time I wasted.

We are still in touch occasionally and guess what? Nothing has changed on his end. Not one thing. When we chat, the same problems, the same issues from 15 years ago. It is terribly, terribly sad and it is a cruel illness but if the sufferer does not actively try to work on treatment, this is the way it stays.

It seems like you are getting pulled under, which is completely understandable as it is hard to not take this personally, but you have to look out for yourself now.

I also feel like there's some... strange, manipulative, guilt-trip quality to all this

The reason you feel that way is because it's true! She isn't even passive aggressive ---- she's down right aggressive.

The journey from denial and blame to self awareness and ultimately change is a very, very long challenging road.

Factor in depression and anxiety you can double the length of time it could take her to get from one side to another.

Some people aren't wired for introspection and spend their entire life looking outside of themselves for answers.

I hear you taking ownership for your stuff, being self aware, working on yourself and waiting for her to catch up.

It's up to you how long you want to hang in there and if you feel there is a payoff in the end.

You may wait another few years and be stuck in the exact same place you are now.

A rule of thumb for me is, if you are waiting for someone fundamentally change who they are, then it's time to go.

I also feel like there's some... strange, manipulative, guilt-trip quality to all this

 

The reason you feel that way is because it's true! She isn't even passive aggressive ---- she's down right aggressive.

i have to second this, seriously. her depression shouldn't be the focus here at all. the focal point in the op for me was her blatant abusiveness.

lots of people suffer from mental ilness, myself included. never has that been, or will be a get out of jail free card for abusive behavior.

i do see the link, i mean if she were to let go of her agressiveness she'd have to face her own suffering. i understand the fear of looking one's despair in the eyes,naming it and embarking on possibly a life long journey of dealing with it. but it takes a certain type of character, a certain type of person, to turn to abuse out of avoidance.

while being mentally ill is not a character defect in my book- being aggressive is.

You're not faced with deciding whether you can endure her untreated illness (although that would've been a reason to end it as well seeing as she's not interestd in dealing with it). you're faced with the decision whether you want to stick around a bully, an abuser, plain and simple.

No, I think you are right that there is a manipulative aspect to her communication. Again, goes back to her lack of skills of expressing herself in a healthy way and ability to cope. ... Another common tactic of people with a lot of anxiety, to run and to cut out entire relationships and experiences rather than to deal with them and accept that things will not always be easy. The tendency is to think that if there is some challenge involved in it, then everything about it is wrong. It's the black and white thinking in action again.

Interesting, I never considered the lack of skills before and how black & white thinking played into all this. Initially the strange manipulative subtext lead me to feeling somewhat bitter and resentful - so its nice to hear that it isn't always, or necessarily, out of spite or malice (nor intended to be). Knowing that now lifted something off my shoulders.

Your words, advice and explanations are definitely resonating with me. Really hit the nail on the head here. I really, really appreciate this and your support - It's given me new perspective. I just wish there was a way I could get through to her or be that supportive person for her. It's hard when I feel like it's me she's fighting with me, or using me as a punching bag sometimes, rather than actually confronting the anxiety / depression that is leading into dark thoughts and places.

ultimately I do hope she finds the will to seek out some assistance - i think anxiety and depression can be managed. It's so hard to watch it tear her apart. Whether she stays or goes, honestly, I just want her to be happy !!

You are almost living my life. I wish I could tell you there is a way to fix this, but depression and anxiety is really hard on a relationship. It is very common for depressed partners to blame their issues on their significant other. I wish I had an answer for you, as the woman I love has these same issues. And it has wrecked our relationship. If she won't get help, there is unfortunately nothing you can do. I wish you solace and peace. I am so sorry for your pain.

You too? I'm sorry to here you're in the same boat as me. It's terrible what anxiety and depression does to people.

Whenever I suggest therapy there's such a knee-jerk reaction from her to avoid it, put it off, say it's too expensive, etc ... To be real I don't understand whats so scary about gaining a better perspective of oneself through the eyes of another, I wish she'd just give it a shot.

Whats your plan with your lady? Are you guys trying to work through it, or has it simply become too much?

The best you can do is to stop accommodating her, it goes nowhere. Break it off.

You're right, I certainly don't want to impose in any negative way. I've felt for a long time that she was looking for excuses, and I think you're right that my "willingness to accommodate" not only makes it hard for her to have a good reason, but also pisses her off to no end. I think "stop accommodating her" is pretty solid. I'll give it a shot and see where the cards fall.

Untreated depression and anxiety is the kiss of death for a relationship. It seems like you are getting pulled under, which is completely understandable as it is hard to not take this personally, but you have to look out for yourself now.

Ugh thats so heartbreaking to hear that 15 years later he is still stuck in the same, never-ending cycles. That's so painful and no way to live

I wish I was strong enough not to be pulled under, and somehow rise above this so I could be that shoulder for her to lean on, that support for her so she feels safe to get help. I just wish there was more I could do. I definitely need to be thinking about myself now as I move forward. Thanks for sharing your story with me.