Your worst nightmare is my reality. If you want hope don't read this.

For those who want to read the entire story it's in "getting back together" it's called "How to Proceed 6years - it's over... But we meet in a few months."

That was my first thread about this.

 

We were together for 6 years. Lots of love, chemistry, everything. Then the last two years we both lost our path and beated each other down verbally and just loved each other so much..but didn't know how to change.

 

So my ex boyfriend who left beginning of April and has been telling me he wants to meet in July to see what's what... To see if changes we made work together or maybe just to catch up... He said he just doesn't know and needs time to heal. He can't trust me but in the future maybe.... So I've been holding on to our July reunion.

 

Then his life crashes. Everyone finds out about a criminal thing he did years ago. One demon I stood by and even waited for him while he was in prison for 2.5 years. And now that it's over and no one knows who we are, I will say that it was to do with sexual abuse against a minor. I saw change. I believed in change. I still do but now there is another huge demon he's been hiding. So for the past few days he's been all about me. And wanting my support.

 

So today he was planning on coming over to have dinner and maybe stay over after he spoke to his former boss and explained his side of the story. He wanted my support. So I waited.... My mom calls me and told me she saw my ex with a blond hair girl at a local pub. So I texted him because he had just texted me saying "I'll come over in a little while" I asked him "are you okay? What are you doing" ..."just chillin I'll be over soon".

 

So I immediately drive over there meet my mom and walk over to this pub. I walk with my mom past him on the patio and act like I just ran into him. I tell him we need to talk and he says ok... He goes inside to go to the bathroom? And I tell the girl (the girl he worked with while he knew me!! The girl whose a model!! The girl who I had a terrible feeling about) that did she know what he did? She said yes I support him... She's 22. He's 38. I'm 28. He met me when in was 22. told her that we've been sleeping together the entire time and that we slept together two days ago...I asked if that bothered her. She said yes....

 

So he comes out and we walk away. I ask him if he's with her. He says yes. I ask if he likes her, yes, sleep together? YES. I ask him why he didn't just tell me so I could have moved on? He said because he still loves me and it was selfish but he loves both of us. He wants to be with both of us!!! He tells me he wants each relationship to run its course. So I asked him out of curiosity if we just dated and were free to date other people then that's what he wants? Yes but he would want me to date other people too so I don't make him my life. Can you believe you're ready this right now???? This is my pathetic life!!

 

I asked if it bothered her that we slept together and he said yes.... But it probably wouldn't if she was there!! And kept mentioning maybe he's a polygamist because he's capable of loving two people....... Yeah..............

 

I told him, apprehensively that I don't want to meet him July. And I don't think I ever want to see him again. I said that I don't think that will change. And he said "well I'll leave it up to you, and I'll meet you if you change your mind" so I asked why meet??? And he said just to see who knows! Maybe he will be farther along with the girl by then but maybe not. Maybe he will want to see where we go.. He still loves me!

 

I'm feeling the lowest I've ever felt in my entire life. I put my whole heart into this. Everything. Accepted him, one of the hardest things to do, supported him, waited for him in prison. And you won't believe this. But I wrote him so many handwritten letters it fills up a box. And I actually visited him every Saturday and Sunday for years. Spent $100 on each day trip. All of the pain...and then he jumps into another relationship. He did this to me when we met he was a month out of a six year relationship where he committed the crime. Then now he just meets someone else! A twenty two year old! I never realized how messed up he was about sex until today. Strangely enough. Love is blind?

 

ANY insight, advice, whatever is highly welcomed. I need support private messages welcomed.

I'm broken.

And I forgot to mention all of March he was living with me. But staying out all night a lot. He had slept with her and was sleeping with me.... And still we were sleeping together in April. He said he just wanted his space to heal... So he could forgive and trust me again. No, he just wanted to be with another girl. One sixteen years younger than him. "She's been such a great support for me" he says. Wow. And I was here for him 100%. Like a fool. Like a pathetic fool. How can I ever open my heart to someone again after the love we shared and the process of that getting crushed and then the end result of him just starting over immediately. No respect for how much that would hurt me after six years. I blame myself in a lot of ways because I pushed him away. I disrespected him. And if I didn't I'm sure we wouldn't be here. But then this is who he is... So maybe I never wanted someone who could turn there back so quickly on me. After I stood by him. How can I get through this? Living in the same apartment we lived in together. Knowing the mattress we both bought at ikea was used to sleep with this girl. Help me... Anyone else live in Canada... West coast?

I think I posted this link on your other thread, but here it is again: link removed

 

Stay strong.

 

It hurts -- but it's still better to know now that there's no hope instead of letting this play out for months and possibly even getting pulled into being a Plan B for this guy.

 

You CAN and WILL do so much better.... and you deserve it!

Do not let what this man did TO you define you. You are not pathetic, you stood by him. Trust me when I say this is HIS loss. And if he did it to another woman, and is now doing this to you, he will do it to her, eventually. Maybe six years from now he'll find another pretty little 22 year old to get involved with.

 

I know the pain hurts. Get this man out of your life. Steer clear. DO NOT hold out hope he will come back. Respect yourself more than that. You deserve a man who will want YOU and only YOU, not to fool around with some other woman while he decides what he "wants".

 

Go no contact, from this day forward, and NEVER look back. Not in July, not next July, not in two years. Some day you will meet a man who will make you ask yourself what the heck you were thinking with this one. The pain seems impossible, but that will happen if you move on and heal.

This man is scum!!!

 

It's not your fault. You see him clearly now for the first time. When people show you who they are believe them.

 

Go no contact and block him everywhere. Throw out that IKEA mattress. Look into when your lease is up so you can move (I did that and was a very good decision for me!).

 

You're going to be ok. She will learn like you did.. Apply what this experience has taught you to filter out men like him. Don't absolve men who have confessed to sex crimes. Love just isn't enough. Mutual respect is needed, and this man did not respect you, he used you until you "aged out". He clearly has a thing for "pretty young things". He roped you in, making you believe you were "special" and better than his Exes. Now you know it's a manipulation tactic.

I know how you feel. My ex also gave me false hope only to dump me, and I accepted him and loved him despite all his flaws. All the lies. But eventually we can only move on. It's their loss that they don't appreciate our love. And we know that they don't deserve our love as well. Stay strong. We are people who are capable of loving passionately and unconditionally so we have to believe in ourselves and not let people like them destroy us!

I guess the first thing to remember is that none of this is your fault. This guy is clearly a master manipulator and what he did to you is totally on him. I truly hope that you can absolve yourself of any guilt and move on. You were absolutely right to tell him you don't want to meet him in July, or ever again. It is obvious that there's nothing good that can come of it. Getting rid of the mattress and moving when you are able to are also excellent ideas for helping to get over this guy.

 

I strongly recommend that when you're ready for a relationship again that you try to find somebody much closer to your age; I'd suggest within three years. I'm not saying age differences can't ever work, but after this particular relationship, it would be a good idea to see if you can have a more equal partnership with a guy who is from the same generation.

 

I also want to make one other comment regarding your ex's supposed recovery from his issues with minors. Now I don't know what exactly he was sent to prison for, whether it was with small children or teenagers. Although I'm guessing it was probably teenagers, and now he is perhaps trying to modify his taste for much younger women by going for those who are old enough to be legal. But he's not looking for a real relationship; instead he's just trying to control as many women as he can. What he's doing may not be against the law, but it is extremely unethical.

 

You're a very caring and compassionate woman, and any guy would be lucky to be dating you. Please keep that in mind as you move forward with life, and be sure that those you date are worthy of how much love you have to give. Trust me, there are guys who will love you for you, and your caring and compassionate soul will melt their heart. And you won't have to share the right guy.

The fact that you now know exactly how he is, that he is indeed the criminal he was made to be, and it wasn't just a fluke, should make it much easier for you to move on.

And, you learned a very valuable lesson: never, ever, stand up for someone who was in jail for such a horrid crime. The police and justice systems are not stupid and don't make up crimes just to have something to do, if someone was convicted and sent to prison, you can be sure there was a real reason for it. So unfortunately, as much as I sympathize with you and I can only imagine the pain you're going through, you do have to own the fact that you set yourself up for this disaster, by ignoring such a glaring red flag.

 

However, what he did is not a reflection on you in any way. Your only "fault", if you want to call it that, was being too naïve and believing him instead of taking a serious look at the hard facts. But in no way should you let scum like him bring you down, ruin your self esteem and break you as a person!

 

He is the lowest on the scum scale, a criminal, a cheater, who uses women and lies. People like him are just a waste of human flesh, they should be locked on an island far away and left there. Why would you let such a creep affect you so much? As you will soon see, there are many guys out there who are the opposite of this one, and who will show you what being in a relationship really means.

 

Try to look at it this way: you were extremely lucky your mom saw him and then you had the opportunity to see him yourself with that girl, otherwise you would have wasted even more time until July waiting around for him, and maybe even more if he managed to convince you to stick around after that. Con artists like him are very good with words and twisting things, so chances are he would have been able to talk you into staying with him for even more drama.

Now you're rid of this disease of a man (don't even think about ever seeing him or even having any kind of contact with him!), and you can freely move on to better, happier things.

 

And remember the lesson you just learned: never stick by a criminal, and never put up with being treated poorly. The moment you see a red flag, run, do not hope if you ignore it things will get better. If anything, they get worse.

Yeah this guy sounds like a total douche. I dont have anything new to add to this conversation, just to agree that you're lucky to be done with him. U are way too nice for him.

I know you are hurting, but wow.....you dodged a bullet. I don't know the details of his case, but whatever the case may be, even putting that aside, he sounds like a total jerk. dodged a huge bullet!

1. I would set medical appointment with a primary physician to get myself checked first. He is having multiple sexual partners at a time. That requires a visit to the physician.

2. He is stringing you along. I personally do not believe in polygamy. To me it is bs. Even if he was not with this 20 something woman after 4 months, I am still going to cut it off. He sounds very insincere.

3. You are 28. You have your entire life in front of you. I like writing pros and cons of everything. Writing gives a lot of perspective. If it is hard for you to see why you should move on, write it down. Sometimes it is hard to take advice from other people. It helps to write it down yourself why you should look forward to July and why you shouldn't look forward to July.

 

Hugs.

Look, don't beat yourself up for being conned. The guy is a con artist and they excel at getting people to believe in them to the point they'll throw sound judgment, advice and more out the window simply on the word of the con artist. So don't think you are alone in that regard or that it's something you did that is on you.

 

That said though you do need to stop and take a look at your own ignoring of red flags. They sound like they were all over this guy from the get-go and yet you ignored them and kept listening to what he said. That means you do have to work out whether through counseling or self-awareness how to not let yourself fall into the traps of basing your own actions around others words rather than their actions. Actions are what tell you if a person is a good person or a bad person, talk is cheap and I've been lied to by the best. They'll look you straight in the eye, sound so sincere an entire church would back them up, and be guilty of the most horrific actions. So you have to learn to look at what they're doing, not what they're saying. Also you need to learn to trust yourself and your own intuitions. I'm sure there were a ton of times when you thought, "I need/should walk away. There's something wrong here." but each time he talked you back.

 

So stay NC, block and delete him from your life, get together with a counselor or therapist or someone to learn how to trust yourself and your own intuition. And learn to pay attention to red flags and be ruthless about not accepting or compromising what you know for what you wish would be true. You will come out of this just fine if you learn from it and move on.

 

BTW I don't think your story is a bad one and I think it gives people hope who were/are caught in a similar nightmare to see that they should get free of it like you are. There is no hope in reconciling with/having a relationship with someone like your ex to begin with. There is only the hope that people do get free and move on and heal from such an experience. And that you can do, so please take hope in yourself and anyone else who reads this do the same.

Look, don't beat yourself up for being conned.

You were only 22 when you met him. There's a lot of reasons men like him like young women -- first and foremost because you are young, somewhat gullible and don't have the life experience/BS detectors that older women will have developed (by sadly going through things like this, or helping our sisters, mothers or friends go through it). You won't be so easily fooled or lead next time. That's a large part of the charm of this new woman, she's buying all his stories hook, line and sinker. She believes and hopes and wants in a way that you don't about him any more. That's not your fault, that's his for what you've gone through with him. In a few years, she'll be singing the same song as you, after he's gone to jail again or she's caught him with someone else because he is not going to change. One day, she'll have grown up, too, and he'll be trying once again to find someone who believes his crap. Be thankful that you never had a child with him, because now you can cut him out completely and thoroughly and get on with your life.

I'm really sorry but you've learned a powerful lesson here in not casting your pearls before swine.

 

If he was serving time for being with a minor, it's a pretty clear indication that something is wrong with him morally that you ignored. Some people unfortunately fall for the mistaken idea that their own love will 'purify' someone else or overcome defects in their character, but it just won't. A person's character is set at an early age, and this guy has big issues if he's going to jail for years, gets out, and has some other kind of legal infraction again.

 

And now he's back to young girls again. This isn't about him being a polygamist, it is about him being a selfish sod who likes to chase young girls. And he wants to have his cake and eat it too, so he'll use you too for as long as you'll let him or until you get too old for him to be attracted to (and sadly, if he likes really young girls, he's probably already seeing you as too old for his tastes).

 

This was a horrible lesson for you, but now you know that you can't turn a toad into a Prince. And this guy is definitely a toad. Cut him off entirely and have nothing to do with him. Take some time to heal, then go find yourself a NORMAL guy and not a perv/jailbird who chases young girls. There is plenty of hope for you as a person and for you to find another (better) partner, but of course no hope at all trying to turn this toad into a guy who is faithful and treats you right. He'll be back in jail again before you know it!

Thank you everyone.

 

This is really the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. He is thinking about moving to another country to run away from this and I really think that he's going to want to take this girl with him.

 

I really believed he has changed in that he would never abuse a child again based on the work he's done but I've realized that even though it won't expose itself in that way he just finds something else to do, cheat, drink, try to get women under his thumb. Because he has such low self esteem he needs validation to emotionally charge him. He's not emotionally responsible. He thinks he loves this girl...maybe he does but it's all about his ego. He needs to heal. He just spent twelve years in relationships that ended badly and now he jumps into another one. And he can't say she's the only one for him, he still loves me? Maybe he was just lieing. No I think he's just truly selfish.

 

I am so hurt that I may never see him again. That he may move away with this girl and all the fun things I dreamed, going to his family's cabin... How close he was with my father... And I believed he was the one for me. My father is so important to me I want the man I marry to know him. And he knew him so well... My heart is broken. I don't want to have hope but how can I turn off this love? I read the heartbreak guide and will keep reading it.

 

Life is so hard. I'm a pretty girl I know I can meet someone else...but I put my heart and soul into him. Into us. And I can't just shut it off. I feel so alone

He doesn't have low self esteem or emotional irresponsibility. He sounds like a psychopath! And you need to be careful because they're the most cunning, charming, manipulative psychos around.

 

Think about it: he had sex with a child?

 

And yet.... you stuck with him??? "The One" for you... is a child molester? Really?? Is that what you dreamed of, growing up?

 

Your heart might be broken..... but he feels nothing and is on to the next. In truth, she's probably too old for him as well! A man who molests a child is a psychopath with no empathy... no way back.

 

This is not someone to wait for. You CAN AND WILL find someone much, much better than this dirt.

Than you Sharky. Thank you so much....

 

He didn't have sex, but he touched her. And for six years. He did seek help but in the end he used someone who was innocent to meet his own needs emotionally. He told me it was an emotional thing equating to love. And he has his own abuse in his childhood with boys who abused him.

 

I believe in change but in this case I don't believe he has changed the root cause of what led him to do what he did. Because it's led him to treat me terrible. Led him to need female attention. He puts them on a pedestal and then when they don't meet his expectations he just escapes by distracting himself with some other unhealthy thing.

 

I feel like I need to meet another guy right now but I know that's not the healthy thing...or is it? Not for sex. Just for companionship.

He didn't have sex, but he touched her. And for six years. He did seek help but in the end he used someone who was innocent to meet his own needs emotionally. He told me it was an emotional thing equating to love. And he has his own abuse in his childhood with boys who abused him.

 

You are making excuses for someone who has committed an absolutely deplorable crime. Disgusting on the basest level. It is awful that he was abused, but that does not give him a "pass" to go and do it to others. Especially if this continued for 6 years. 6 years!!! That is pathological. Picture someone close to you that you know being abused in this way - a niece, nephew, your own child should you have one. Would you dismiss it then??

 

I believe in change

 

Don't. He hasn't. He doesn't want to. He is 38 years old, and has cheated on you with a 22 year old. Do you honestly think he has moved beyond using young girls? Just because she is over the age of consent does not mean he has changed. She is still a child compared to him. It is disgusting and so his he.

 

II feel like I need to meet another guy right now but I know that's not the healthy thing...or is it? Not for sex. Just for companionship.

 

No, no no! That is the last thing you need right now. You need to end this relationship and spend some time finding out who you are and what you want. This guy has spent years manipulating you into thinking you need him and that you can 'reform' him. You cannot reform a person. You need to learn what it means to be with yourself before you can be with anybody else.

Sweetie..... he molested a child for six years???

 

Yeah, he's a psychopath. Go ahead and google it and see what that entails.

 

Better than focusing on meeting another guy is to consider getting yourself some therapy to help yourself heal from what you've just been through with this guy. Molesters groom their victims -- but they groom their romantic partners, too. You need a de-briefing from this relationship before you're ready to move on with someone else!

 

Just in my opinion.

Sharky makes a good recommendation. It takes a long time to recover and there are layers and layers of discovery well after the relationship is over. Its a bit like trauma. Everything is askew.

It's so hard to accept I was manipulated. I felt like he was a different person. I just thought he was different. And I still believe he's different in that way. He spent years working on rehabilitating himself. But that's not important to me right now because I did believe in change and still do. I accepted his past and choose to live in the present.

 

Besides all that I just feel utterly betrayed. I feel so hurt. He just finds this new younger model who he says "is such a great support" just like he used to say about me when we met.

 

I'm just sad. Sad he's gone. Sad there is no hope if he moves. Sad that part of me doesn't even want hope. And sad that even if I had hope I don't think I can lie with him knowing that he's betrayed me. And that he's manipulated me into meeting in July when he just wanted to see what else was out there. And I asked him a thousand different ways if he was with someone else, etc etc etc. He lied. He said he lied because he felt like he couldn't talk to me. He said he also lied because he was selfish and wanted both of us. That he loves both of us but he gets different things from each of us.

 

I feel so raw, used. Now I'm 27 with no job, although I have an interview today, only one close friend, family's busy, and no money. No foundation to move forward. Building from the ground up.

One great thing I discovered because of ENA: others went through this, not the same for any of us, but the same at some level. The manipulation, the betrayal, the affection and disgust mingled together, the loss, the mourning, the disgust at the mourning... What helped me is working hard, really really really hard, at figuring out how I let myself get into and stay in that mess. My dynamics were similar to yours - feeling like I was left with no safety net, a disinterested family, nothing in my checking account, utterly overwhelmed by what was ahead of me. We make perfect counterpoints to the man who wants to employ us for his purposes. I still realize little bits of conversation that were so close to the truth but were used to deceive instead. For example, when he said he needs emotional connection to enjoy a physical connection: well, yes, so he manufactured an emotional connection because it served him, not because he had any intention of honoring it. He was just using my emotion to heighten his own experience. Yuk! Eww! I wonder how he is with his wife, how he is in general, but I don't wonder too deeply, because I know there never will be a satisfactory answer. I am glad to be freed of his presence as much as I miss his energy and brilliance.

 

For myself I read about high conflict personalities, I read about sociopaths and psychopaths, I read about co-dependency, attachment styles, familial patterns. I have come to understand volumes about myself and it empowered me more than I ever felt previously. I have a long way to go, as we all do unless we choose to stand still.

 

In some ways, the extremity of my destructive relationship was a gift. The extreme shock of it is what it took for me to uncover deeply hidden issues and may be what I have to thank when I get it right, later. Maybe this is true for you too.

 

Carry on in your process of letting it go. It is logical to mourn it, to wonder at it. You let something happen to you that wasn't good for you, at the very least by attaching to someone who was using you rather than feeding you. That may be happening in your friendships, your past work relationships, your family. Clear all of it out. Seek relationships that feed you and eliminate all others.

 

You will grow from this, and be better for it, if you choose.

>> Because he has such low self esteem he needs validation to emotionally charge him.

 

OK, let me tell you something most people don't know about sociopaths and con men. They learn that the best way to rope someone in and get them on their side is to evoke other people's sympathy/empathy. They know they've got you when they tap into that. As in if you feel sorry for them and empathy for them, you'll put up with an amazing amount of crap from them. 'Oh, poor baby, he had such a horrible childhood, that's why he behaves that way.' They have to overcome and suspend your distrust and tap into a connection to you that will keep you connected to them no matter how badly they behave. If you start making excuses for them, they're in and golden! If you go back and ready your posts, you've got a long litany of 'reasons' why he behaves this way, which is totally taking all your attention off how badly he's behaving.

 

And it let's him get away with all kinds of beastly behavior if only he can come up with a ridiculous story about why he doesn't mean to be bad but he just can't help it because his life has been so hard and he's been so misunderstood... the jails are FULL of people singing these kinds of sad stories to manipulate other people. And they become jailhouse preachers and have jailhouse religious convesions and promises that they've seen the light and know where they went wrong and will never do it again, all geared to try to convince the parole board to let them out earlier so that they can get back to chasing young girls again sooner!

 

So you've been conned. And he's clearly a sociopath and is manipulating you. You need to STOP and remove all these excuses. And recognize this: He behaves the way he does because he LIKES behaving that way and it gets him what he wants! No deep dark reason there. He's a shallow sociopath who loves young girls and cons people. End of story.

 

So get a book or two on sociopaths and read up on them. You'll recognize these guys. And the professional advice for victims of sociopaths (and yes, you are a victim as such as these young girls are) is to get as far away from them as fast as you can because they are predators who bleed people dry (financially, emotionally etc.) then toss them aside without a second thought when they are no longer useful/interesting to them.

 

And a final comment: sociopaths brains don't work like other people's. They don't love anybody at all. They MIMIC normal feelings and behavior, but they just don't feel them. People are objects to be used to bring about the ends they desire, that's it. They will cry big crocodile tears when it serves their purposes, but they are truly defective and do not really bond with anyone else. They may see other people and their children as possessions, but not as people. Which is why they can molest the innocent and not think twice. A child is not different than an inanimate doll in their minds, so what's all the fuss about it?

 

And they can and will discard you like an old pair of shoes when they decide you are no longer useful to them because they have no deep connection to anybody. They may be connected to what you supply them with (attention, money, a place to say, sex, etc.), but not to you personally. Your value is in what you do for them, not in you as a unique and beloved individuals. They know the words to say, but they don't have the genuine feelings behind them. So he doesn't love you, or this new girl, or anyone else either! He can switch between you as easily as playing a game of musical chairs, based on whatever need he has at the moment and whether you or she is better at filling that need at the moment or not.

I appreciate all of the guidance. This is one of the most difficult things I've ever went through in my entire life. I've never lost someone to death but I can imagine it feels like this, and probably not as bad because there is no betrayal in death. Just longing...

 

I've been using up every last mintue of support from my family. Today I just sat at a park... I didn't know what to do with myself. I was just wandering around aimlessly. Thoughts flashing through my head like firecrackers.... Good and bad... Sad and happy.

 

I have for a period of time accepted and believed everything I've been told here. I love the quote "when people show you who they are believe them". This makes so much sense to me. But I also have the thoughts about my guilt for my part. If I could take away the hurt I caused this would be so much easier. But at the same time I also believe that this life is my process and sure I made mistakes but those mistakes don't make anyone cheat. He cheated. That's on him. He could have left. I made mistakes in my own time but I'm now ready to address these deep seeded insecurities I have in myself... It just wasn't in time for him. And I think I can live with that.

 

Today I dropped these letters he wrote me at my moms and one I opened was him telling me how much I hurt him and how he didn't trust me because I kissed a man early on when he went to prison... I was so confused. As he is... And he went on to quote a bunch of despicable things I said to him. I did that... I hurt him. And words can stab you as I know so well.

 

So I go back and forth. I think they're really was this real love there between us... I still believe he changed, but not completely. And I think maybe there's still hope for us one day... I want to date other people, experience other things, other adventures, and if one day our paths cross then maybe. Any things possible...

 

Then I think sometimes, he's a sociopath, he used me to fill himself up, to try to build his life back through my support, and when that wasn't working out he moved on to the next pretty young thing. I start to think everything was a lie... Even saying he loves both of us. He still lied saying this one evening he was at his friends house but I Know in my heart he was at her house. I have to explaine this one. So he tells me he's coming home that night. Doesn't. Shuts off his phone. I stay up all night calling. Then I know the next morning he's working with this girl and they meet at work so I went and watched to see if they show up together or if they meet at work. They showed up together. So I confront him. He tells me he stayed at a friends house but wouldn't tell me who. He said it was a guy... Then later I meet him and he tells me that he stayed at his friends house who lives downtown. Walking distance from his work. Then I find, guess what??? A bus ticket! From that morning. And I confront him. He said he went to a Jamaican restaurant on commercial drive but it was closed....... Yeah. And the other day when I caught him I asked him if he was at her house that night and he said no!!!

 

He said later on that him and her were friends first... Which would explain why he said he was at a friends but wouldn't say who. He said she was the first to say something about liking him.... And that he didn't plan it! Well who plans a relationship? No one... But you are OPEN to it. Which he was. Ugh I'm sick to my stomach. I washed all his underwear which had white stains on it... From her arousing him. I helped him get ready for work, drove him to work... to go work with her, and not come home. And I have a recurrent heart condition and guess what, one night I had to go to the hospital and he didn't come see me. He went out drinking and then never came home. I called him all night in tears. He just shut of his phone.

 

I weight 125 forever. Then I lost 15 pounds over two months. In the last three days I've lost 5 pounds! I now weight 105. I'm so sick right now I have no appetite.

 

Reading back on my writing I guess its clear he is a sociopath... I don't think he even knows it. He is defective. He made me believe I was codependent... that I was the one who was "psycho". I'm alone now and I was alone for much of my life because I was selective in who I dated. I want love at first sight because I'm a hopeless romantic. I had that with him. I was not attractive throughout school but one I turned 18 I became beautiful.

At least that's when men started paying a lot of attention to me. In school I was a loner and I was bullied. I think that affected my self esteem so badly. I still don't really think I'm beautiful although I know I am to others.

 

You have to choose one of us .. Then I have to choose her because there's too much pain left from our relationship. Why don't you date me and see where it goes and then if it doesn't work go to her... I'm not ready to let her go. Selfish .

 

Love was for me through thick and thin. This is why I stayed with him through the treatment I had and I stood up for myself. I also perpetrated many things but out of pain and also out of my own personal issues I've brought along with me.

 

I had an attractive man look at me on the street today. It did feel nice to know others see something I don't see in myself.

My brother's neighbour told him when he was my age that a girl ended a five year relationship with him and he was ready to kill himself but held on. Three years later she came back but he didn't care anymore

My dad's girlfriend told me I should do my makeup and sit at cafés everyday lol.

 

I feel lost, alone, sad. But I also feel free. I feel glad and so thankful that I know the truth. Without the truth I would be stilling suffering with breadcrumbs of hope. Everyday until July.

 

I don't know if I believe in it but I was desperate so I bought tarot cards last month and I asked them many many times if he was my soulmate and I got the lovers in my spreads for that question. I pulled one card many times with that question and got the lovers. He was over once this month and I asked the cards what's in his future and he picked one card... Yes, lovers. He laughed.

 

I'm not sure what I believe but in a desperate state before everything blew up at his work I prayed to god that he would come back to me for another chance. Then his work blew up. Then a day later my mom gets her bike ready for a ride around the wall. She decides she doesn't want to go and goes back upstairs. Then she had this feeling like she should just go. She catches the most important moment. And calls me out of breath heart racing "I saw him with another girl!" And the rest is history...

 

But if my prayers were answered then I think God or the universe or whatever saw that I had suffered enough. So much that I turned to a higher power, and they, it, gave me the answer. The closure I needed. My suffering was complete.

 

Now I just need to heal. I feel like I can actually go through the healing process now. Having hope distorts everything. Especially when there really is no hope to begin with because your love is happily dating someone new.