Your worst nightmare is my reality. If you want hope don't read this.

[sharky988]

It's true. It's better that you know the truth now, than continue on with false hopes.

 

But the painful realization isn't just that "your love" is happily dating someone new.

 

It's that "your love" is probably a psychopath. "Your love" is being revealed as a manipulative, emotionless monster -- and you have SO SO dodged a bullet! Thank god -- or the universe -- or the Almighty Tarot Spirits -- for that other girl!

 

"The Lovers" doesn't just mean love, there are other cards for that. The Lovers card speaks to making an ethical choice as well.... two opposing paths which you must choose between: right and wrong.... good and evil.... fidelity and infidelity. How perfect that Mr. Slimy Child-Molesting Felon drew that card!

[VivvianeLee]

Thank you for making me laugh. I just finished reading about sociopaths before I read your comment. I'm starting to clear my head through this smoke and really see what was happening. I was an opportunity to him, and now that that wasn't going his way because I stood up to him, he found another opportunity. And being 22 she's easily influenced.

 

I honestly don't even think he knows he's a sociopath. Or psychopath.

Or a serial monogamist.

 

He's also picked the devil card on a one card draw. A friend of mine had me pick one of her medicine cards and I drew the snake. All healers are wounded healers...

 

Nights are so much easier for me. It's the days that are tough. But I'm only on my third day.

 

Thanks again for making me smile before I go to bed Sharky.

[lavenderdove]

One very important thing you need to understand about sociopaths is that they lie like they breath. Constantly, and whenever it suits his purposes. You've already discovered that about him now, and you need to take that seriously and know that EVERYTHING he says is suspect and may be a lie, or partly true, but mostly designed to manipulate you and get what he wants for himself.

 

he took up with this young woman because he likes YOUNG women and anybody over 25 if probably too old for him in his own mind. Not that he won't use someone over 25 when it suits his purposes, but his attraction is to youngsters. So please be careful not to indulge in fantasies that he'll come to his senses and turn into a nice permanent partner for you. Will.Never.Happen. he'll be chasing his whims and using anyone and anything that suits his purposes for the rest of his life.

 

You don't say what he did at work that 'blew up' and caused trouble, but most sociopaths can and do end up in jail again and again because part of their profile is they are impulsive and can't deny themselves anything. So they take what they want and do what they want and that eventually lands them back in jail. some sociopaths are extremely smart and can figure out how to stay out of jail, but one of average intelligence or less will do the same things again and again and don't learn from experience because they are so impulsive and self-serving and have a sense of entitlement to take/do what they want.

 

So your thoughts of him need to focus on the fact that there is NO circumstance in which a relationship with a sociopath is a viable or right choice, regardless of your feelings for him. They destroy the people around them with their selfishness and behaviors, so you need to cut him off and never see or speak to him again. He is OUT of your life and that is part of the past. Live and learn, and don't make yourself vulnerable to him. You can and will find another NORMAL man, and you now know what to avoid. He doesn't deserve your loyalty and love, and you need to put your efforts into finding a man who does rather than thinking about this dangerous loser and user.

[lavenderdove]

Try reading one of these books... there are also good books on recovering from a relationship with a sociopath there:

 

link removed

[VivvianeLee]

The thing that blew up was his ex contacting the owner and telling him everything that happened. The whole truth. The owner was appalled of course. And he was fired. His new girlfriend still works there...

 

I've been trying to take it easy. Most of the time I feel good. I'm actually getting out of his bubble. I still have love for him but something died for me that day. The only part of the relationship I was holding on to was let go. I really had no choice it was something that just happened inside me.

 

I have been crying rather suddenly every so often. Usually on my way to work or when I get home. But I feel like what he did was just so wrong in so many ways. And he said the only part he feels bad about is lying. Not actually cheating no, he said he actually felt entitled to do that because of how unhappy he was.... Instead of growing, breaking up with me first, he thought it was all good.

 

I don't even mind that he's sleeping with her anymore. They can have each other. I've actually started feeling sorry for him. For his selfishness, manipulation, chronic lies. He's digging his own grave. Even his family thinks so. They tell me he doesn't deserve me. Based on the person I am now, he doesn't. Even the person I was before he didn't deserve. I'm not going to let this pain use me like he did over, and over.... I'm going to change my life for me, and you know what, I'm not afraid anymore.

 

As his dad told me a leopard never changes its spots.

[lavenderdove]

Good for you! Stay on this path to letting go of him. But please don't feel sorry for him. That is how a sociopath works, gaining your sympathy. Who you should feel sorry for is his victims and don't underestimate how dangerous he can be in terms of harming other people, including yourself. Save your pity for the people he has harmed, and to be honest, this young 22 year old girl he is involved with now who doesn't have a clue what she has gotten herself into by linking herself to a criminal sociopath. She's his current victim, and you were a past victim. But remember, you're only a victim if you continue with him. If you cut him loose entirely and get on with your life, you're then a wise survivor and no longer a victim.

 

And stop talking to him entirely. You MUST cut him off and never see or speak to him again. That is the only way to get yourself totally out of harm's way with a sociopath, to cut them off entirely and never allow them access to you to prevent them manipulating and using you.

 

Note that this 'sorry he lied but not about sleeping with her' is just a manipulation. He's not sorry about either. He is hoping to convince you that it is OK for him to be sleeping with her as long as he promises you something like he'll never lie to you again. So he is setting you up to try to convince you that the cheating wasn't really cheating and OK because he 'needed' it. Don't fall for it!

 

And stop talking to him. Sociopaths seriously toy with your head and twist reality and common decency to suit their own self agendas. They HAVE no decency or morals because their only goal is pleasing themselves, and manipulating others to get what they want.

[VivvianeLee]

Thank LavanderDove. That is so true that I really shouldn't feel sorry for him. He is just setting me up. It's so hard to see because I'm not mean and heartless after all. He just made me believe I was.

 

During our three months where he said we would meet in July and give me me breadcrumbs of hope so I stayed in his pocket I consistently called him, texted him, everything, even called off the wall. I spent so much energy on him. But since that night I haven't contacted him once in anyway. I don't want to. And I'm sure he's expecting I will any day now but I will not. I realized I actually do have respect for myself.

 

As hard as it's been to move on now, it was so much harder to get through this with that anticipation of meeting in July. I felt so lost... The truth has finally offered me closure.

 

The biggest lesson I learned from all of this is trust your instincts.

[VivvianeLee]

Rereading all of these thoughtful comments just over two weeks after that horrific day has brought me even greater awareness. I've made many more girlfriends who ironically have broken up, or been left for another women, and we're all ready to dance this summer, and just generally have fun without the commitments and responsibility of having a partner.

 

It hasn't been easy. I've been crawling my way through all of this glass trying to pick up the pieces. Rebuilding is a whole other issue. But I'm still here. I didn't kill myself despite feeling like I wanted to so badly. And I'm glad I didn't.

 

Here are some examples of his psychopathic behaviour I've been clear enough to uncover:

 

- He never actually made love to me. Something I remembered that I found odd. It was always just sex.

- I remember he insulted me so I told him that he's capable of a lot worse, referencing his crime and he said "your going to throw the most traumatizing thing in my life in my face"? Which now I realize is completely messed up. HE was traumatized? Molesting a child? It's always about him. He's always the victim.

- He wasn't very affectionate with me in public probably trying to keep his options open.

- He stole things. He promised he wouldn't steal and I found clothing that he hid from me.

- He told me he quit smoking and I caught him smoking on the street.

- He never seemed bothered when I cried. Never said "don't cry...what's wrong...it's okay.."

- He told me he was vegetarian and my brother saw him eating at KFC!! Then during the breakup he said oh yeah I'm not vegetarian anymore... I guess it was more important to me but he made me feel like I forced him to which I did not.

- Everything he did do that was nice: walking my mom home downtown, buying me nice presents, paying for my trip to see my Grandma... It was all for public relations. And it worked. In the beginning my family blamed me for treating him badly. But he was carful to treat me badly behind closed doors.

- I really believe he was telling me we would meet in July because he wanted to continue working for my dad because he needed the money. Once my father found out he was cheating he dropped him. My father told me everything everyone's said here, "these kinds of people like to use women. You have to remember actions speak louder than words, let a guy prove it to you". My dad summed it up. He also was quick to say I should just dump him when he kept giving me fake hope before I knew he cheated.

- When he was going away to prison he didn't ask me to wait but he made it known it would be nice and he would be happy if I did. He told everyone he would never ask me to wait, she just wants to wait! So he looks like such a great guy. Similarly, when I asked him if he is going to move to the east coast with his new girlfriend he said "it would be nice to have someone he knows there". But that it would be strange to move to another city and live separately. I asked if they would live together now he said no... He's definitely leading her on as long as she serves a purpose for him.

- I remember the last days we lived together he said "I just want to be happy, I've been unhappy my entire life" which I found shocking because I thought we had been happy for some time. And shocking because maybe he really doesn't feel happiness and he is unaware of this. He is chasing instant gratification. Sex, drugs, love, whatever.

- His stepfather told me that he was diagnosed with dysthymia when he was an early teen which is chronic depression. He said he was always good at being sad, angry, and other negative emotions, that he was always able to laugh although his jokes were always on the negative sarcastic side. And that he never felt passionate or excited or happy about anything. Which I identify with completely. He never showed excitement. Or happiness. Even early on.

- His stepdad said when he first met him as a young child he was cynical and disillusioned. What five year old is cynical and disillusioned?

 

If I think of more examples of his manipulation/sociopath/psychopath behaviour I'll post it. Maybe it will help someone identify someone in their lives...

 

Against better judgement and opinions I did call him after two weeks of no contact. He's been very busy. Waiting for his student loans, he's going to become a babour now. He's had interviews at Club Monaco ... And he says he's happy with his new girlfriend. That she "gives him what he needs...and he believes he gives her what she needs". That "she's not better than you, she's better for me". And when asked if I should just move on? He said "yes... right now that's what I want" he did say he just wants me to be happy, date people etc... Of course because "he's done with me" something he said to me once... Actually a few times near the end. Interestingly, I read that psychopaths will make this statement after they've found a new more interesting/useful target. He told me that he was sorry about how it all went down and that she (the other women) would have liked to meet me and that if she did she would have said "it's nice to finally meet you". Which I found a little disturbing 1. Because she wanted to meet me! 2. Finally??? We were together for six years and that's what you're going to say? To let me know what? That you've been with him a long time while I was too? She sounds like a psychopath too... Or at least extremely mouldable. And naive. Like I was, sadly.

 

The next day I called him again because I felt honestly terrible about my part of everything so I apologized. He didn't apologize much. In fact he didn't apologize until I called him! When I asked him why that was, he said, "I thought it was over forever... The last words you said were you didn't want to talk to me anymore" true but I had also said I wanted to be with him.. I wanted things to be different, maybe one day etc. And obviously an apology is always desired. He told me he's been doing drugs now as well with his new gf as well. Coke, perkasets, and mdma. And that although he doesn't do them regularly when he does he says he does more drugs than anyone there and more he's done in his life. And I met him to give back his bike. Previously I told him I missed our hugs so he made a point of giving me a huge hug which I thought was manipulative because he wants me to miss him!

 

What's new for me? Well I still don't have a job. But I've gained a lot of confidence recently due to getting a lot of male attention. Although they don't really know what I've been through and I have a lot of emotional baggage which I'm only just starting to work through. I have gained a little confidence though from the work I've been doing on the inside thus far. And generally feeling relieved to not have so much drama around all the time. I can say that this is the hardest lesson I've learned. And I am so thankful I'm not nor never have been pregnant with this psycho. Although our babies would have been so adorable my green eyes and his blue eyes.

[Ms Darcy]

Guess what? Diagnosing him as a Psychopath has done you no good. You still called him and talked to him.

 

I honestly think any woman who would stay with a man convicted of sexually abusing a minor needs serious therapy. Serious.

[ParisPaulette]

Although our babies would have been so adorable my green eyes and his blue eyes.

 

Adorable doesn't cut it when daddy is a sex offender. There is zero reason to ever have kids with this man. I shudder to even think it. You can do a lot better at a sperm bank frankly. I read all the things this guy did and was capable of and was chilled to the bone.

[sharky988]

Studies suggest there's a genetic component to personality disorders..... so having kids with a sociopath isn't the best idea. It's not like you really want to wade in that gene pool.

[Iggles]

Adorable doesn't cut it when daddy is a sex offender. There is zero reason to ever have kids with this man. I shudder to even think it. You can do a lot better at a sperm bank frankly. I read all the things this guy did and was capable of and was chilled to the bone.

 

This story makes me shudder..

 

OP, it's a HUGE blessing you never got pregnant by this sociopath!!

[VivvianeLee]

Guess what? Diagnosing him as a Psychopath has done you no good. You still called him and talked to him.

 

I honestly think any woman who would stay with a man convicted of sexually abusing a minor needs serious therapy. Serious.

 

Lol I don't disagree sadly.

[VivvianeLee]

If you read what I wrote I did say I was so thankful that I didn't nor wouldn't get pregnant by him, ever. I was reminiscing based on our looks alone that we would have pretty children. But I will not nor have I ever entertained the idea.

Adorable doesn't cut it when daddy is a sex offender. There is zero reason to ever have kids with this man. I shudder to even think it. You can do a lot better at a sperm bank frankly. I read all the things this guy did and was capable of and was chilled to the bone.

[VivvianeLee]

Studies suggest there's a genetic component to personality disorders..... so having kids with a sociopath isn't the best idea. It's not like you really want to wade in that gene pool.

 

That's a scary thought. Now I'm clear unless I meet another psycho of course.. Considering I attract them, high probability ... I have a lot of work to do /:

[sharky988]

That's a scary thought. Now I'm clear unless I meet another psycho of course.. Considering I attract them, high probability ... I have a lot of work to do /

 

There's a difference between attracting someone who's just a "psycho"..... and a child molester. I seriously doubt that you habitually "attract" sex offenders.

 

It's really kind of alarming how you continue to minimize what this guy did!

[VivvianeLee]

There's a difference between attracting someone who's just a "psycho"..... and a child molester. I seriously doubt that you habitually "attract" sex offenders.

 

It's really kind of alarming how you continue to minimize what this guy did!

 

 

I don't mean to minimize what he did. I'm sorry I come off that way. I hope I don't attract sex offenders but I do know psychos and or manipulators seem to see me as an easy target... And those kind of people generally have a trail of pain and suffering behind them whatever form that may be. And of course the sexual offence is right next to murder in my book. Having my own history of abuse as a child possibly made it easier to accept what he had done... Idk. Still have lots of work to do but I'm not minimizing what he did.