annabelle7777 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Hi everyone, I am very confused. It has been 4 years since I start dating my bf. We have live together for 2 years. He has never mentioned marriage. I love him very much and I think he loves me as well. I always thought that he would propose, but he hasn't so far. I started to think that he would never propose after 4 years. I do not know what to do. I will graduate in may with a law degree and already have a job lined up. He still has 3 more semesters until he gets his mba, but I don't think this is a reason to wait. My plan is to move out in August and just explain to him that I am not breaking up, but I just want to live alone. What do you think? I will appreciate your comments and advice! Thanks, A. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Welcome to ENA. I think you should have an honest conversation. Ask if he intends to marry you, and if so, when. If he gives a lot of excuses, I would walk and move forward. Haven't you guys ever talked about this? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 In 4 years if you've never talked about, bring it up. Don't assume he will do something because that's what kills relationships - have an honest conversation with him. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Have you guys actually discussed marriage before? What are his thoughts? Or did you always assume that he would propose without knowing his position on it? He may very well want to wait until he finishes his MBA. Why is that not a reason to wait? Many may not want to marry until they have their career solidified and have a stable job lined up. I won't get married until I'm done with grad school. Marriage is expensive and he may want to finish his education so he can be better prepared for it. That being said, I think you should ask him his thoughts on marriage and what are his goals in that regard. Link to comment
annabelle7777 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Hi, thanks for replying. We haven't talked about marriage. I once mentioned I would like to move out because I am not a fan of "living together" without marriage, but he did not seem to pay too much attention. He probably thought I was not serious. You are right we need to have a conversation, but I cannot start this conversation. I don't really know how to start and I am not sure whether I want to have that conversation. I forgot to say that I don' t really care for a ring, so excuses such as "He may be saving for a ring" are not valid excuses for me. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 If you've been together for 4 years, why are you so afraid to start the conversation? Do you deep down already know he doesn't want it and you're afraid to 'rock the boat' so to speak? In the end you need to find out whats important to you - getting married or staying in this relationship that seems to be going no were. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I think you should talk to him when you two have some alone time and he isn't trying to write a paper or whatever. maybe some lazy weekend at home. talk to him - honestly and directly, and ask where he sees you two headed - if he can see himself marrying you one day. and then just stop and listen to him. give him a chance to talk. Link to comment
annabelle7777 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 28. I will be 29 in a few months. He is 34 Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I once mentioned I would like to move out because I am not a fan of "living together" without marriage, but he did not seem to pay too much attention. It's interesting that you say you're not a fan of living together before marriage, but you went ahead and did it anyway.... I'm not a fan of Indian food, but if my friends want to go, I'll go along. But living together? that seems like a huge compromise of your values.... what happened? Link to comment
Generation Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I will graduate in may with a law degree and already have a job lined up. He still has 3 more semesters until he gets his mba, but I don't think this is a reason to wait. My plan is to move out in August and just explain to him that I am not breaking up, but I just want to live alone. What do you think? I personally think it's a reason to wait. On the other hand, say if you spoke to me about it like where is this headed and will I propose, I'll think hard about it and see if that can be done sooner. So have you talked to him about it? Also, rings are expensive! And guys (at least myself) like to think of good and unique ways of proposing. About moving out, gonna be hard to explain to him, might even break his heart, just cause he might not be able to understand why and why you want to live alone. If you can come up with a better reason. So talk to him, see where's he at, see what he thinks about it and take it one step at a time. Link to comment
scared and alone Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I wouldn't worry too much. Do you guys have a good relationship? I was with my husband for 5 years, lived together for almost 4, before he proposed. We just got married this past May. I honestly didn't think much of it. I knew we loved each other and would get there one day. If anything, I almost wasn't sure if I was ready to get MARRIED. And I am just 2 years younger than you. And don't take this as me trying to tell you how to feel or anything, i'm just speaking from MY own perception and situation. Good luck either way! And like people have said, talk to him. And please, don't give up just yet. Link to comment
annabelle7777 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 It was a huge compromise, but since he moved from europe to the US because of me, I felt bad saying "I don't want to live with you." Link to comment
FathomFear Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 It seems like you're being a little passive aggressive. I wouldn't play games here and move out just to get him to do what you want. If you want to get married, you should discuss it. I think the more troubling issue is not that he hasn't proposed, but that you're saying that you never talk about it. That could be a sign you don't have good lines of communication. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 He moved to the US for you, you live together...?? I mean, I think a serious conversation is 3 years overdue!!! Link to comment
annabelle7777 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Hi scared and alone, Congrats on your marriage! We do have a great relationship. I think he is the perfect boyfriend- always romantic, always understanding of my busy schedule, always fun to be with! In fact, he was sad yesterday because i did not get him a valentine card ( just a gift) Again, thanks for your help and support! It really helps Link to comment
annabelle7777 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 annie, you are 100% right, but I always thought that marriage was a sure thing. I just assumed that if he is taking such a big step, he loves me and wants to get married. Link to comment
annabelle7777 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Hi generation, I don't really care about a ring. I know it may sound unusual, but I will be ok with just a proposal and no ring. FathomFear, We talk about everything, but marriage btw my bf is currently watching a movie (which has a lot of jokes about marriage and how men don't want to commit). Isn't that ironic Link to comment
scared and alone Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 you don't know that he doesn't want to get married! He obviously loves you enough to move for you. Just give him time! Guys are different. Sometimes they just need time. Just be patient! And I am also like you, I didn't give a crap about a ring. All I wanted to know was that he really loved me and wanted to be with me. I think you just need to not over think this. Just enjoy your relationship and give him a chance. Whatever happens next will come naturally Bottom line is, if you guys love each other enough, it will work out. Don't over think the proposal, marriage thing. The important thing is your commitment to each other and how you feel about each other. If you guys really love each other and dedicated to each other, that is in the end, all that really matters. A ring and ceremony is just an in the moment heart warming thing. It's what day to day, not a huge ceremony of your love, that REALLY matters. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 annabelle, I would definitely talk to him. Just muster up that courage, sit him down when you're both relaxed and comfortable, and have a talk. Ask him what he thinks about marriage and if he sees it in his future. This talk is long overdue and you need to have it. I'm a little saddened to hear that you find it difficult to talk to him about such big issues. Link to comment
annabelle7777 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Fudgie, I agree that we should have a conversation. It's just sad and ironic that I will be solving other people's problems in a few months, but I cannot solve my own problems. I feel like if i start the conversation, it may sound like I am proposing. I don't want to propose to him. Do you see now why I am afraid to say something? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Your asking him if he wants to get married - no were in that is a proposal... Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I do see why, but there are several ways you can phrase the question. Proposing is asking someone to marry you. You aren't doing that. You are basically saying "I see marriage as a goal in my future. What about for you?" That is all that is. Or, you could even be more vague and say, "we've been living like this for a long time. What do you see in our future as a couple?" Link to comment
DN Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I don't want to propose to him.Why don't you? Link to comment
annabelle7777 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 DN, I cannot explain why. I just can't. I don't know how to explain it. p.s. forgot to mention that two of my bf's ex gfs are lawyers. Do you think it is just a coincidence? I always thought that it just happened that way... Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.