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Thread: 25 and Never Had a Girlfriend

  1. #21
    Member RedDragon's Avatar
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    hey man i have been in this exact position before i here u when u have never had a girlfriend. U have been spending to much time on working yourself to death trying to get in good shape and get a good job. U have been missing out on the relationships. like u i never dated a girl until i was 20 years old and even then she came on to me. The best thing I can say for u is to get out of ur usual crowed go to the club by yourself have fun get out there don't take anyone with u and try to mingle. Ur not there to get a girl but to get better at attracting one. the more woman u can attract the easier it is for u building up ur self esteem and learning the turn on's woman like. It helps u in the long run when u actually find a girl u like u are able to communicate better and draw them in to u. sometime u dont have to try so hard in chasing a woman try sitting back flirt with a girl but don't act to fast some women want u to work for it even though yes the tell u there not interested but actually they want to see if u well work for them well instead turn the table on them flirt but don't get to close try backing off let her come on to u a few times. if a woman will do that u know no matter what they say they are into u they just want u to work hard.

    hope this helps good luck Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
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    Hey everyone,

    Thanks for all the replies.
    Originally Posted by Aeriwynn
    Hmm... you seem pretty successful and such, and since some girls say you're hot or w/e it probably means you're quite attractive as well. So you've got independence/security and attractiveness down already....... which apparently means the only thing left that may be hurting you is your personality. If it's not, I don't really know why you can't find anyone.
    I'm about average looking. I'm 6'2, 200lbs, 8% body fat. I'm not hot. I don't put any faith into what women tell me while they're rejecting me.

    I'll put up some pictures link removed.

    I do think my looks hold me back. I have several friends who literally just have girls flock to them, they don't need to say anything and women come up to them to talk to them, and if they say anything the girls spend the entire night trying to get with them. These same women of course, ignore me or only answer me as some form of courtesy. I've also heard several women say that they would never date Middle-Eastern guys, always fun to hear.

    Originally Posted by Aeriwynn
    Where do you usually meet these girls? Think about what you had in common with each girl.. think about what they liked about you. I'm not sure but... I also think most girls don't like guys who seem desperate.. and you seem to come off as desperate (but of course its cause thats what your post is about lol.. but do you come off that way irl as well?) I think if girls could sense how desperate you are, that may scare them off... and also not respect you as much since it seems like you'd go out with ANY girl as long as they said yes. But yeah..... if you're successful and attractive the only Reason I could think of that girls may not like you is because of your personality.
    I definitely come off as desperate from that post, I was really down when I wrote it. I'm not now.

    At the time, after about 2 months of not meeting anyone I was attracted to, I met about 3 girls who I found attractive, physically and intellectually, and they seemed to reciprocate it. With the first two girls, we ended up hanging out, I ended up making out with them, and they later told me that they had boyfriends and weren't really sure what they were doing, they both kind of hinted that they weren't sure they enjoyed their present relationship, but I don't exactly thrive off ruining other people's relationships. The last one I really liked and got along with, we ended up going out and really clicked, except it was too late since she was a tourist and her flight back to paris was 2 days later. Owned. That was when I felt really down. I hadn't really met anyone I felt attracted to for two months, then, when I finally did, every single last one fell through. Normally the fact that I haven't been in a relationship doens't affect me in the least, but after those experiences all those little things started really bothering me. I was just incredibly down for about a week.

    I'm out of that funk now though. I'm not desperate for a relationship. If I meet someone I end up really liking, then great. If not, I just want to have a fun time. I'm not desperate, or at least I hope I don't come off that way, someone else would have to tell me. Well, with women who I'm not attracted to, even if I do find them very pretty but for other reasons wouldn't consider it, I have no problem talking to them or socializing. But when I do meet girls who I find attractive, physically and personally, I either manage to screw it up or run into some ridiculously bad luck. It doesn't bother me in the beginning, but after a while of having the same things repeat over and over it does get to you.

    There are, periodically, girls who are interested in me. But I'm picky. We all have some things we like in people and some things we don't. I don't find every girl attractive. There's 5 girls that I run into every now & then who've tried to hook up with me that I politely turned down. They're not unattractive, I'm just not all that attracted to them either though. I don't know, its the women I'm attracted to that I have problems with.

    As for where I meet women, its really anywhere. Nightclub, friends, houseparty, work, near work, school (I take classes every now & then), the gym.

    Originally Posted by Aeriwynn
    I think you just need to find someone that has stuff in common with you, like similar core values/goals, similar outlook on life, or similar favorite hobbies/activities... it could help you become closer. Maybe try joining and participating in some club/activity that You enjoy. Then you could meet some people that are similar to you and if you don't, you're still doing it for yourself!
    Yeah, thats what I'm trying, but its not like every organization / club is a singles bar. Its, as of late, really rare for me to find someone I find attractive. Cute girls are never in the weight room at the gym, and you can't exactly strike up a conversation with someone on the treadmill. There's no cute single girls at my job. And my friends are all in relationships now and aren't interested in meeting more women. I always have to try to meet someone new.

    Nonetheless, I do lots of these activities because I do enjoy them (martial arts, volunteering, gym - 1.5hrs/day - 6days/wk).

    Originally Posted by Aeriwynn
    umm Pluuus I think most girls like guys who seem confident and comfortable with themselves. So just try to be happy with yourself and all your accomplishments for now.. just do what you like and have fun, don't have to try so hard to Get someone. You may by chance meet someone who gets along with you well just by doing what you enjoy and they'll also be drawn to your confidence. -.- I guess what I'm trying to get at... is it's probably because of your personality and how you come off and you may not notice it yourself. But maybe the girls you knew so far didn't connect with you well... maybe they didn't feel like they had much in common with you and was looking for something different in a guy that you didn't have.
    Yeah, personality definitely has an effect. For a fair amount of girls I'm really convinced it doesn't matter what I do, they will just never be interested. I can just see from the way they respond to me that its only out of courtesy, I don't even factor as a potential partner. But there's also a group of women who I do find attractive, who probably would at least entertain the idea, but I just can't escalate it into anything more.

    Originally Posted by Aeriwynn
    Tbh, I think I responded to your post because.. I knew someone similar to you. He seemed very desperate in wanting a girlfriend... and to me (can't speak for All the girls though..) that was a very big turn off. Seemed like he would go out with Any girl (But not ugly ones >.>... wow) as long they would say yes to him. Girls want to feel special, not like they could be Any girl that you just happen to pick up because they were an attainable target. So have more confidence in yourself and don't act so desperate ;o.... just be comfortable with yourself and girls may be drawn to you.
    I agree in theory, but I've never had women "drawn to me." Girls don't really approach guys, unless the guys are ridiculously hot. For any average guy out there, the odds of a girl approaching you are close to zero, and its not like i'm in college anymore, I can't just meet girls by showing up to class, I work in finance, its all dudes. still always have to do the footwork and some women are just giant * * * * * es when you talk to them, even if you're not hitting on them. Its really not an enjoyable experience.

    You're right. The 'laid back' approach is the one that works best for me. When I meet women 'organically,' i.e., friends introduce us, we're always at the same place, we have friends in common, low-key house party, something where we should know each other for reasons other than flirting. In those cases I can usually display my personality and get the girl interested enough to give me her phone number and to hang out with me. Problem is, its incredibly rare for me to meet someone I'm attracted to under these circumstances. If I rely solely on that, I can easily go another 5 years and not have anything work out for me. If I want to meet women, I have to approach them, and thats what generally gets much, much more difficult for me, and women can be really standoffish.
    Last edited by Reeling; 08-12-2009 at 01:58 AM.

  3. #23
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    You're right. I've had a really, really * * * * ed up childhood, and life. Racism / bullying / friends killed. It took me a long time to be able to trust people and want to go out. I'd like to think I've overcome those problems. I have a large circle of friends, we road trip to Vegas for birthdays, we throw parties, we have a good time. I also have had some success with women, not what I've wanted but enough success for what I'd at least term socially healthy.

    I don't know though. Do you ever really overcome a personal problem? I think its always a part of you, you just learn to work your way around it. I guess thats what I'm still doing, although to a much lesser extent than years ago.


    I'm not a depressive person (I've had friends who were depressive and I've been there for them when they went through problems, I've never gotten that down). I'm generally pretty upbeat and laid back, and I can usually take emotional hits a lot better than my friends can (small consolation for a * * * * ed up childhood). Like any other person, sometimes things happen that will cause you to be depressed, and thats a natural response. Years ago, I wasn't really depressed, but I was unhappy, I had very low self-esteem. I was mistreated a lot, and it made it hard for me to get what I wanted out of life. I've grown a lot since then, but I know those self-esteem issues are still there at the periphery. For the most part I manage to shut them out and go on with my day to day affairs.
    Last edited by Reeling; 08-12-2009 at 02:23 AM.

  4. #24
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    Its not just night-clubs, but I don't really agree, there are some really incredible women who I know who enjoy going to nightclubs, you can meet anyone there.

    I guess what I'm losing faith in is that I'll be able to do the things I wanted. I'm 25, and thats not really old, but its not really young either. If there's one thing I've learned is that time goes by a lot quicker than you think. What if I never really get to enjoy my 20's, I turn 30, I end up settling with a nice girl, but she's not the woman of my dreams, and for the rest of my life I get to wonder: what if?

    Thats what I don't want. I want to be able to enjoy these years. Do the things I wanted. And when I settle, I don't want to ever think to myself: "what if?" I don't want to have missed out on anything, and when I commit myself I want to know that thats where I want to be so that I can be at peace.

    As for PUA, Bartok says it pretty well:

  5.  

  6. #25
    Member Aeriwynn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Reeling
    Hey everyone,

    Thanks for all the replies.

    I'm about average looking. I'm 6'2, 200lbs, 8% body fat. I'm not hot. I don't put any faith into what women tell me while they're rejecting me.

    I'll put up some pictures link removed.

    I do think my looks hold me back. I have several friends who literally just have girls flock to them, they don't need to say anything and women come up to them to talk to them, and if they say anything the girls spend the entire night trying to get with them. These same women of course, ignore me or only answer me as some form of courtesy. I've also heard several women say that they would never date Middle-Eastern guys, always fun to hear.
    ok I saw your picture and I say you look just fine/average/normal! ..so I don't think it's your looks that hold you back.... I read some study thing they did on appearances vs personality... and interesting thing is, better looking people had the same chances as average looking etc. Only people who looked extremely below average had lower chance of entering relationships. So in a way.. it's like saying appearance Does matter somewhat, but it doesn't matter as much as Personality... as long as you're decent looking enough ;o you're date-able lol. ..and just saying.... you look average or better to me... so I don't think it's your appearance that is holding you back. BUT ANYWAYS... >.> do you want a relationship just based on appearance??? If a girl gets turned off just Because of your appearance then they aren't worth it anyways imo. ok sure, maybe your friend has girls flock to him because he looks hot, but if his personality sucked then I bet the girls would get bored of him as well... unless they just want his body lol and not a serious relationship.


    Originally Posted by Reeling
    I definitely come off as desperate from that post, I was really down when I wrote it. I'm not now.

    At the time, after about 2 months of not meeting anyone I was attracted to, I met about 3 girls who I found attractive, physically and intellectually, and they seemed to reciprocate it. With the first two girls, we ended up hanging out, I ended up making out with them, and they later told me that they had boyfriends and weren't really sure what they were doing, they both kind of hinted that they weren't sure they enjoyed their present relationship, but I don't exactly thrive off ruining other people's relationships. The last one I really liked and got along with, we ended up going out and really clicked, except it was too late since she was a tourist and her flight back to paris was 2 days later. Owned. That was when I felt really down. I hadn't really met anyone I felt attracted to for two months, then, when I finally did, every single last one fell through. Normally the fact that I haven't been in a relationship doens't affect me in the least, but after those experiences all those little things started really bothering me. I was just incredibly down for about a week.

    I'm out of that funk now though. I'm not desperate for a relationship. If I meet someone I end up really liking, then great. If not, I just want to have a fun time. I'm not desperate, or at least I hope I don't come off that way, someone else would have to tell me. Well, with women who I'm not attracted to, even if I do find them very pretty but for other reasons wouldn't consider it, I have no problem talking to them or socializing. But when I do meet girls who I find attractive, physically and personally, I either manage to screw it up or run into some ridiculously bad luck. It doesn't bother me in the beginning, but after a while of having the same things repeat over and over it does get to you.
    Well... from what you said, Girls did like you.. they just didn't work out the way you hoped.. all these bad experiences, you're relating it to your own faults, when really it's not your fault at all it seems... just bad luck and bad timing! If they weren't already taken and she wasn't going on the trip, it might have worked... Look at the good side at least you know the girls liked you lol so you did Something right! Just keep trying and maybe you'll find someone who Isn't already committed and leaving lol. Or maybe you can ask girls first before you get attached to them ;o

    Originally Posted by Reeling
    There are, periodically, girls who are interested in me. But I'm picky. We all have some things we like in people and some things we don't. I don't find every girl attractive. There's 5 girls that I run into every now & then who've tried to hook up with me that I politely turned down. They're not unattractive, I'm just not all that attracted to them either though. I don't know, its the women I'm attracted to that I have problems with.
    Well .. yeah it's ok to be picky, everyone wants to be with someone that fits them. I guess just keep trying, you can't expect things to be Perfect and work out the exact way you want lol. But apparently it's not that you are having a hard time entering a relationship with anyone (in your original post, you made it sound like you wouldn't be able to get Anyone).. you're just picky and you want to be with someone you like, but yea it doesn't always work out... liking someone that likes you back that is. >.> I think that goes for everyone.. just keep trying?


    Originally Posted by Reeling
    As for where I meet women, its really anywhere. Nightclub, friends, houseparty, work, near work, school (I take classes every now & then), the gym.


    Yeah, thats what I'm trying, but its not like every organization / club is a singles bar. Its, as of late, really rare for me to find someone I find attractive. Cute girls are never in the weight room at the gym, and you can't exactly strike up a conversation with someone on the treadmill. There's no cute single girls at my job. And my friends are all in relationships now and aren't interested in meeting more women. I always have to try to meet someone new.

    Nonetheless, I do lots of these activities because I do enjoy them (martial arts, volunteering, gym - 1.5hrs/day - 6days/wk).


    Yeah, personality definitely has an effect. For a fair amount of girls I'm really convinced it doesn't matter what I do, they will just never be interested. I can just see from the way they respond to me that its only out of courtesy, I don't even factor as a potential partner. But there's also a group of women who I do find attractive, who probably would at least entertain the idea, but I just can't escalate it into anything more.


    I agree in theory, but I've never had women "drawn to me." Girls don't really approach guys, unless the guys are ridiculously hot. For any average guy out there, the odds of a girl approaching you are close to zero, and its not like i'm in college anymore, I can't just meet girls by showing up to class, I work in finance, its all dudes. still always have to do the footwork and some women are just giant * * * * * es when you talk to them, even if you're not hitting on them. Its really not an enjoyable experience.

    You're right. The 'laid back' approach is the one that works best for me. When I meet women 'organically,' i.e., friends introduce us, we're always at the same place, we have friends in common, low-key house party, something where we should know each other for reasons other than flirting. In those cases I can usually display my personality and get the girl interested enough to give me her phone number and to hang out with me. Problem is, its incredibly rare for me to meet someone I'm attracted to under these circumstances. If I rely solely on that, I can easily go another 5 years and not have anything work out for me. If I want to meet women, I have to approach them, and thats what generally gets much, much more difficult for me, and women can be really standoffish.
    Have you ever tried a dating site? lol ... maybe that will be easier finding someone in your area with similar interests. Just be careful, but I think it Can work. Just a suggestion.

  7. #26
    Bronze Member metwo's Avatar
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    i was going to say something.. but i just don't know how to explain it.. maybe your just alittle too eager? maybe if you relax a bit? i don't know how to explain to you how to get people to like you... i know with me.. i walk around looking like i couldn't give two craps about anything... and try to keep people from wanting to talk to me.. the more they freakin want to talk to me.. i usually say whatever it is that comes to my mind.. and people can't get enough of it.. and the whole time i'm just trying to get them to stop talking to me.. and like i was saying in another thread.. i'm like a magnet for people asking me questions about anything anywhere i go...or stopping me for directions..the other day i was at the dmv.. i swear i felt like i was being attacked by people asking me if they could borrow my pen... and i was standing there for 3 hours in the same spot talking to this guy... who wouldn't stop talking to me.. and he was just amazed how many people were coming up to me asking for my pen.. at one point i had two pens out at once... i dunno.. what i'm trying to say is.. maybe if you don't worry about it so much.. maybe it'll just sort of happen.. i can't seem to get people to get the hell away from me...

  8. #27
    Silver Member MD Geist's Avatar
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    At least you can say you've had sex.

    I can't say much about me I haven't even kissed!. I wish I could have done that at least at my age.

  9. #28
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    Wait, I have to say that I haven't finished reading your posts but clicked on your pic link, but needed to say that you are good looking! To say that your looks hold you back, pffffft! I know many of my friends would be all over you (uncomfortably so ). Before I even opened the link, just from reading what you said about women not wanting to date middle eastern men, I thought, "Ha, well not with my friends!"

  10. #29
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    Yeah, looks have nothing to do with it at all, you're attractive. It's probably where you're meeting girls. Never try to meet people at bars, because generally the only thing in common you'll have with somebody at a bar is that you both like to drink. That's not much to base a relationship on, but if you're looking for sex, especially drunken sex, a bar is a good place to start.

    I'd say if you have something you're really stoked about, find a place that gathers people together with that same thing you're stoked about, and you'll probably end up finding people you can relate to better. This makes for a sturdier base in a relationship, and you'll probably find yourself enjoying your time with those people, make friends, etc. Relating in relationships, who would have thought?

  11. #30
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    Does that mean your perspective on this has changed?

    I think Aeriwynn has given some great advice. It seems like a lot of bad luck, but that's stuff that's beyond your control. Who knew that the one girl was a tourist? At least you had three girls to start with! You'll meet more, most definitely, and some of them won't work out, and it might hurt, but you've just got to keep fighting through it.

    I mean honestly, when I read your first post, I was thinking why should you have to change yourself so much to get someone else's approval? I know you did it for yourself, but it seems like you feel some sense of entitlement which makes you ask, "Why wasn't it enough?" But there isn't a cause-and-effect relationship between advancing in your career/losing weight and finding a girlfriend. It's not like you hop off the scale once you reach your desired weight, and receive a girlfriend at checkout. Not to be too idealistic, but you should find someone who's comfortable with your flaws, who not only accepts them but perhaps even appreciates them because they make you uniquely you. I think those improvements boost confidence, but I don't think the qualities you worked on made you ineligible by any means as a bachelor.

    I think what mr me said seems really relevant, because even now you are questioning whether your looks are holding you back (unless you are being exceptionally modest!). They almost seem like excuses to me. Either you're being too logical and systematic about this (this isn't happening, the reasons must be A, B, and C) or you're hiding from something.

    I agree with what some of the previous posters have said about just taking things easy and relaxing and as you said, enjoying life. You've worked hard to get where you are, and maybe you feel like you should be able to cash in on that, and that it hasn't turned out that way is confusing/upsetting, but I think taking a break and letting things take their natural course of action would be a good thing. Keep putting yourself out there, but maybe change your perspective. So instead of seeing the 3 girls incident (and none of them working out) after a 2-month lull as significant sequence of events, just let it go and read nothing of it. Bad coincidence, nothing more.

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