25 and Never Had a Girlfriend

[metwo]

i was going to say something.. but i just don't know how to explain it.. maybe your just alittle too eager? maybe if you relax a bit? i don't know how to explain to you how to get people to like you... i know with me.. i walk around looking like i couldn't give two craps about anything... and try to keep people from wanting to talk to me.. the more they freakin want to talk to me.. i usually say whatever it is that comes to my mind.. and people can't get enough of it.. and the whole time i'm just trying to get them to stop talking to me.. and like i was saying in another thread.. i'm like a magnet for people asking me questions about anything anywhere i go...or stopping me for directions..the other day i was at the dmv.. i swear i felt like i was being attacked by people asking me if they could borrow my pen... and i was standing there for 3 hours in the same spot talking to this guy... who wouldn't stop talking to me.. and he was just amazed how many people were coming up to me asking for my pen.. at one point i had two pens out at once... i dunno.. what i'm trying to say is.. maybe if you don't worry about it so much.. maybe it'll just sort of happen.. i can't seem to get people to get the hell away from me...

[MD Geist]

At least you can say you've had sex.

 

I can't say much about me I haven't even kissed!. I wish I could have done that at least at my age.

[ind2]

Wait, I have to say that I haven't finished reading your posts but clicked on your pic link, but needed to say that you are good looking! To say that your looks hold you back, pffffft! I know many of my friends would be all over you (uncomfortably so ). Before I even opened the link, just from reading what you said about women not wanting to date middle eastern men, I thought, "Ha, well not with my friends!"

[Waffles]

Yeah, looks have nothing to do with it at all, you're attractive. It's probably where you're meeting girls. Never try to meet people at bars, because generally the only thing in common you'll have with somebody at a bar is that you both like to drink. That's not much to base a relationship on, but if you're looking for sex, especially drunken sex, a bar is a good place to start.

 

I'd say if you have something you're really stoked about, find a place that gathers people together with that same thing you're stoked about, and you'll probably end up finding people you can relate to better. This makes for a sturdier base in a relationship, and you'll probably find yourself enjoying your time with those people, make friends, etc. Relating in relationships, who would have thought?

[ind2]

Does that mean your perspective on this has changed?

 

I think Aeriwynn has given some great advice. It seems like a lot of bad luck, but that's stuff that's beyond your control. Who knew that the one girl was a tourist? At least you had three girls to start with! You'll meet more, most definitely, and some of them won't work out, and it might hurt, but you've just got to keep fighting through it.

 

I mean honestly, when I read your first post, I was thinking why should you have to change yourself so much to get someone else's approval? I know you did it for yourself, but it seems like you feel some sense of entitlement which makes you ask, "Why wasn't it enough?" But there isn't a cause-and-effect relationship between advancing in your career/losing weight and finding a girlfriend. It's not like you hop off the scale once you reach your desired weight, and receive a girlfriend at checkout. Not to be too idealistic, but you should find someone who's comfortable with your flaws, who not only accepts them but perhaps even appreciates them because they make you uniquely you. I think those improvements boost confidence, but I don't think the qualities you worked on made you ineligible by any means as a bachelor.

 

I think what mr me said seems really relevant, because even now you are questioning whether your looks are holding you back (unless you are being exceptionally modest!). They almost seem like excuses to me. Either you're being too logical and systematic about this (this isn't happening, the reasons must be A, B, and C) or you're hiding from something.

 

I agree with what some of the previous posters have said about just taking things easy and relaxing and as you said, enjoying life. You've worked hard to get where you are, and maybe you feel like you should be able to cash in on that, and that it hasn't turned out that way is confusing/upsetting, but I think taking a break and letting things take their natural course of action would be a good thing. Keep putting yourself out there, but maybe change your perspective. So instead of seeing the 3 girls incident (and none of them working out) after a 2-month lull as significant sequence of events, just let it go and read nothing of it. Bad coincidence, nothing more.

[dr_styles]

At least you can say you've had sex.

 

I can't say much about me I haven't even kissed!. I wish I could have done that at least at my age.

 

Yeah at least you're getting your foot in the door with phone numbers, girls attracted to you. I'm not trying to convince you to be happy with what you've got or anything like that btw. It's a lot worse that I haven't even come close to a nice romantic date or attracting girls, let alone a kiss or sex by my age.

[Aeriwynn]

Yup I think Ind2 is right ... When I was reading your first post that's how your thoughts on getting a relationship seem to come off as.. Just because you're successful/goodlooking now and such, doesn't mean you'd automatically get a girlfriend as a result.... I think because you tried so hard to change yourself, and you aren't getting your expected results(like a girlfriend) you become frustrated and revert back yourself on what you need to change(blaming once again on your Looks this time instead of your Weight)... However, you just need to find someone that likes you for You (the good and the bad). Sooo just enjoy your life and take it easy and be happy with yourself, with what you already have accomplished... and then hopefully you'll encounter some new girls that desire the qualities you have and aren't moving away or taken already! lol

[Reeling]

If we're just honest for a moment though, everyone judges each other based on looks. Its easy to rationalize that people who judge you based on your looks aren't worth it, but we all do it. I obviously don't want a relationship just based on appearance, but I know attraction has to be physical and emotional.

 

 

Yeah, I know these instances are just bad luck in hindsight. But what bothers me more is that no matter what happened here, its still been the same result for the past 5 years. Thats the part that bothers me.

 

 

Once, and thats especially where I know looks work against me. Especially when your e-mails don't get responded to. People just look at the picture and decide there's no point responding since they can't see themselves being attracted to you. Also, the site had a "rate my picture" feature. My pictures were consistently rated as 5.5'ish. Suffice to say, I've never ended up meeting anyone and took down my profile.

 

 

This is really accurate, the bolded part. I can't really change how I look from here on out, I just need to focus on improving how I come accross. I, basically, just need to be willing to take more risks to meet people.

[Reeling]

Metwo,

 

You're female and you're attractive. Guys approach you in the stupidest ways (asking for your pen) for a chance to strike a conversation. Its very different for men. Women don't approach guys, closest they'll come to it is make eye contact or stand near you somewhere, waiting on you to approach them. The situation is very different for the other gender.

[Reeling]

Does that mean your perspective on this has changed?

The mood has changed. I'm not upset about what happened in those instances, but I'm still annoyed by the lack of success overall.

 

I think Aeriwynn has given some great advice. It seems like a lot of bad luck, but that's stuff that's beyond your control. Who knew that the one girl was a tourist? At least you had three girls to start with! You'll meet more, most definitely, and some of them won't work out, and it might hurt, but you've just got to keep fighting through it.

Yeah, the problem is moreso the lack of meeting people with whom it won't work out. The predominant state of my life is just not meeting anyone period.

 

I mean honestly, when I read your first post, I was thinking why should you have to change yourself so much to get someone else's approval? I know you did it for yourself, but it seems like you feel some sense of entitlement which makes you ask, "Why wasn't it enough?" But there isn't a cause-and-effect relationship between advancing in your career/losing weight and finding a girlfriend. It's not like you hop off the scale once you reach your desired weight, and receive a girlfriend at checkout. Not to be too idealistic, but you should find someone who's comfortable with your flaws, who not only accepts them but perhaps even appreciates them because they make you uniquely you. I think those improvements boost confidence, but I don't think the qualities you worked on made you ineligible by any means as a bachelor.

You're completely right, there is almost a sense of entitlement here. Sometimes it does bother me when I think to myself, I have xyz that so and so doesn't, but why can't I have the same success. Its just not a healthy way to think.

 

I think what mr me said seems really relevant, because even now you are questioning whether your looks are holding you back (unless you are being exceptionally modest!). They almost seem like excuses to me. Either you're being too logical and systematic about this (this isn't happening, the reasons must be A, B, and C) or you're hiding from something.

Its really not modesty. I think I'm in good shape, I know I have lots of good qualities, but people don't respond well to my looks. Thats just not the experience of my life. I see the way women respond to guys they find physically attractive, and that almost never happens with me. And also, like I said in an earlier response, I once tried an online dating service, they had a rate my picture type of feature. And I've selected lots of different pictures to be rated, and while I know this type of online rating stuff is a load of garbage, the pictures were pretty consistently rated around 5.5, which is basically the experience of my life, my looks are average. (These are also the same pictures I uploaded here.) Not unattractive to the point of being automatically disqualified, but not particularly attractive either. I just reactivated just to see the old score. 5.67, 33 votes. Deactivated.

 

I'd say that normally doesn't bother me. But when I'm at a loud bar or a nightclub, which are basically flesh-markets, women ignore me for the better looking guys. Its only in quieter places where there's a chance to normally talk to people and socialize in a more casual, lower pressure environment that I'm able to connect with people.

 

And you're right in that I do use my looks as an excuse. In some places I really do feel like I don't stand much of a chance and makes me less likely to try. And thats something that I have to overcome if I want to be able to meet people that I can connect with.

 

I agree with what some of the previous posters have said about just taking things easy and relaxing and as you said, enjoying life. You've worked hard to get where you are, and maybe you feel like you should be able to cash in on that, and that it hasn't turned out that way is confusing/upsetting, but I think taking a break and letting things take their natural course of action would be a good thing. Keep putting yourself out there, but maybe change your perspective. So instead of seeing the 3 girls incident (and none of them working out) after a 2-month lull as significant sequence of events, just let it go and read nothing of it. Bad coincidence, nothing more.

I know its just a bad coincidence. What bothered me that after months of not being able to meet anyone, and lots of pain and effort the result was a bad coincidence. Its really not easy for me to meet people. I think thats the part that needs to change. When I relax and just let things take their natural course of action the result is exactly whats happened for the previous five years: nothing. I can tell you from personal experience that unless I work hard for it and put myself out there, I will get absolutely nothing. Women don't fall in my lap and they don't approach me when I'm out somewhere, I always have to take the first step. I think I just need to get better at taking that first step.

[Reeling]

Yeah, looks have nothing to do with it at all, you're attractive. It's probably where you're meeting girls. Never try to meet people at bars, because generally the only thing in common you'll have with somebody at a bar is that you both like to drink. That's not much to base a relationship on, but if you're looking for sex, especially drunken sex, a bar is a good place to start.[

 

I'd say if you have something you're really stoked about, find a place that gathers people together with that same thing you're stoked about, and you'll probably end up finding people you can relate to better. This makes for a sturdier base in a relationship, and you'll probably find yourself enjoying your time with those people, make friends, etc. Relating in relationships, who would have thought?

Yeah, problem is most of the activities I enjoy aren't activities women like to do. Like weight-training, where, if there is an attractive female, the ratio is usually 30 guys to 1 girl. The main way I meet people is in social / party settings. I just need to get better at making a connection with women. I can pretty much always get a phone number if they'll humor me in conversation, but it just rarely leads to anything.

[Shudder]

i saw a youtube vid where the guy said in order to have others love you, you gotta learn to be able to love yourself first. so basically don't worry about finding someone. I'm pretty much in a similar boat, and i realize that when i'm out focusing on trying to find others, i can come accross as a little desperate. I think you need to focus on yourself and be comfortable being you and then others may see you in a different light.

 

basically its another way of saying when you stop looking it will come lol...

[dr_styles]

basically its another way of saying when you stop looking it will come lol...

 

I really don't think anyone should be doing this. Telling someone who's not having any success to do nothing isn't going to seem very useful.

 

Just because you're successful/goodlooking now and such, doesn't mean you'd automatically get a girlfriend as a result.... I think because you tried so hard to change yourself, and you aren't getting your expected results(like a girlfriend) you become frustrated and revert back yourself on what you need to change(blaming once again on your Looks this time instead of your Weight)

 

Definitely need to let a bit of time to see if the changes have worked, but I just want to comment more on the first part - if you've gone out to try and change things how can you not get demoralised when you're not getting any progress (though it sounds like he's making some progress, but a little short-changed from the effort he seems to be putting in).

[flash83]

i didn't read the posts in between but here is my msg to the OP:

 

You are YOUNG!!! You can still get your self out there and experience a lot! You can either sit there and whine about it, or you can do things to make it better.

 

Also I have a lot of friends who never had a serious relationship at my age or even older, it feels as if the times are changing and people are putting relationships behind their career. I think there is even a statistic where the age of people getting married is getting older.

 

So don't worry!

[MD Geist]

I hear many storys like this and I have yet to hear a success story.

 

Being 21 and older with no girlfriend=hopeless case.

[Knight of Hope]

I hear many storys like this and I have yet to hear a success story.

 

Being 21 and older with no girlfriend=hopeless case.

 

I do hope you're being sarcastic. I very much disagree.

[MD Geist]

I do hope you're being sarcastic. I very much disagree.

 

 

I'm dead serious. I have never heard about anyone from any walk of life that has come forward and went from not having a girlfriend at a later age to a successful relationship. Especially have not heard from women talking about there bf has never had a gf and they started dating and lead to something great.

 

NO All these storys have been basically the same, you hear about them, they still try and yet nothing happens.

 

If they all gave up I certainly don't blame them, I did, after getting no responses from dating websites, women not giving me a chance, and it seems like the only way I ever will date is if I make a comprimise that I shouldn't have to its like not meant to happen to some people such as myself. There really is no winning formula if your over 21 and have not had a girlfriend.

 

Like I said in another thread, at least I will be set in all my other areas of life.

[Knight of Hope]

Wow. That is an incredibly pessimistic outlook on dating.

 

My opinion: Some guys are ready to date sooner, others later. Some girls are ready to date sooner, others later. People ready to date sooner start to date earlier in life. People ready to date later start to date later in life. It's as simple as that. There's no magic age that you have to have dated by for a future relationship. You have every right to feel differently, but I feel that you are wrong.

[MD Geist]

Thats your opinion.

 

I'm stating facts based on personal experience.

[dr_styles]

I haven't given up (fully), but I personally hate things like "oh you're just a late bloomer" (and no not because I'm a non-bloomer right now) or that it's some sort of fate that you just weren't meant to date till whenever (gee that's even more depressing, fated to be fully single till whenever). I think alot of people underestimate the "Never" part. If you're in your 20's and really a normal guy with manners, education, a job, and all the other things we know we're doing well in, something is just not right to NEVER having anything to do with a girl, and somehow I don't see how time/fate will suddenly fix that.

[iwishiknew]

I'm 31 and I never had a date or a gf yet. And the worse part I never had my first yet

[wsim]

I haven't given up (fully), but I personally hate things like "oh you're just a late bloomer" (and no not because I'm a non-bloomer right now) or that it's some sort of fate that you just weren't meant to date till whenever (gee that's even more depressing, fated to be fully single till whenever). I think alot of people underestimate the "Never" part. If you're in your 20's and really a normal guy with manners, education, a job, and all the other things we know we're doing well in, something is just not right to NEVER having anything to do with a girl, and somehow I don't see how time/fate will suddenly fix that.

 

I have to agree mostly with this. I've always been told to either drastically lower my standards (But I think they are more than fair, all I ask for is someone that is at least average-looking) or that my time will come when its right.

 

Anyways, I haven't given up hope yet but worried to death that there is a chance that I may not find anyone later in life. I'm turning 25 years old next month and never had a girlfriend or ANY relationship experience whatsoever. Not by choice, but it is what it is.... sadly.

 

To be honest, based off my own friends and people around me, I'm pretty sure that I'm one of the very very very few who are at my age and never had a girlfriend or any girl like him before. Sometimes, it really does suck being lonely all the time. Especially when I have people bugging me about finding a girlfriend or that sort of thing.

 

I've tried almost everything and nothing panned out. Online dating, trying to get friends to help introduce me to girls, acquaintances, friends, etc. I'm also a good guy with plenty to offer and nobody has ever given me a chance either. At least we aren't alone. It is too damn bad that many "good guys" never seem to be able to get the girl. Does this say something about society nowadays? Am I really unfortunate to be living in the wrong era? (I've been told that I would have had success in the previous generation) Is the nice guy/chivalry pretty much only a rare occurrence in today's times?

 

All I can do is soldier on.... I'm still living an honest, clean life. But going through this long in life without having any women love me at all? Those in relationships or who have had one before have it SO much easier than the rest of us. Interesting how some people take relationships for granted while people like myself could only dream of one.

[Lonewing]

Guys, I almost wish I could turn the clock back to 25. That was the year I took my first vacation, got into grad school, and got my first girlfriend. Indeed, those were my 2007 New Years resolutions - and I accomplished all of them by March 17th...I floored myself that year!!!

 

But it went downhill from there.

 

Here's the back story. I was 25, never been kissed, much less handled, and in short I was a very quite, very observant human being. I dressed extremely well, which worked out for me becasue the girls certianly rememebred my fedora and my 5 piece suit. Yes, the vest with a Full back is a GREAT investment if you can hack that scene!!!

 

Unfortunately my standards were artificially high and impossible. I was looking for a ten body with a five personality - perfect but still modest and down to earth. I hate to say it, but the Ten Personality that goes with the Ten Body isn't necessarily the personaly ANY boy wants. It know it is in a bangin' body, and it uses that to it's advantage!

 

Further, I had a thing against girls who had kids. As I got older, that quality diminished as it seemed just about every single girl had at least one or two little rugrats. I told myself that TWO was the limit and NO MORE!

 

The final line was Drugs. I refused to date anybody who does drugs. I am proud to say I stuck to this one. I should have also included Alchohol, becasue it is jsut as bad. And I have discovered something else worse than drugs: personality disorders. If she is Bi-Polar or Borderline-personality, STAY AWAY!!!! She Will Kill You!!!

 

An old classmate discovered me on Myspace and after getting the usual details, asked me why I was stayingin my room every night. I was looking to meet girls, but obviously there weren't any girls in my room, now was there? the logic of her argument hit me like a ton of bricks and I started going out to the Goth/Industrial Club, which wasn;t really Goth or Industrial becasue my city is too tame to get real into those things. A number of people are into the chains and spikes and funky black cloths, but in general the crowd was a bunch of people who had a great time. And the nice part about this club was how everybody watched out for each other. It was a really intimate feeling knowing that if anybody picked on you or your girl, there was ten guys three times my size waiting for anyone to make the wrong move. We were well protected.

 

I went to this club for about a year learning my ropes. This is important, as every scene has it's culture and you have to learn the culture before you dive in. I was interested in the girls, becasue they were of course smoking hot, but I was also wary that I didn't want to end up with "the wrong kind." And indeed, there was a lot of negative influences in this place, and I learned how to remain pure while still being in that place. But otherwise, my hopes of meeting a good girl were diminishing, though I still went and went often becasue I loved hanging out with these people. I also really enjoyed playing Pool, and I got halfway decent at it.

 

In that year I learned to dance, or showed myself that I always knew how to dance, I just didn't know how to do it. And part of this scene includes a wide degree of soloist dancing, which is what most people do, and it is Display of the finest. I learned it, and I had fun with it. But I'll behonest, I really didn't like dancing for dancing sake, it was just a "display" to me designed to get attention.

 

One night this girl comes in the place, slightly older [ahem, 4.5 years] than me but with the energy and excitement of a pre-teen. Yep, trouble!!! We stood around and talked for some time one night, the night before New Years 2007, and then went accross the street where she let me in on much. We had another date on new years day, and then I found her Myspace and discovered she ahs two Ex-husbandss and three kids. HUGE HUGE SMOKING RED STOP SIGNS!!!!!

 

But three months later I was with her. She was so flirtatious, and so sweet, and always telling me how wonderful I was, that finally I caved. and I took her home one night, and when she said "I wish I could kiss you but I know you won't go there" I turned and laid my first real kiss on a girl. bam. End of story, by next morning I was punched.

 

But she was unstable, and in a bad place. Ultimate, after 2.5 years, her style split us apart. She LOVED dancing becasue she loved dancing - and I am sure she loved the many compliments she recieved. But I stopped dancing so much, because the purpose had run it's course. And in time I lost her because I could not keep up.

 

Now I know I have to find a girl similar to myself who doesn't want to run around the whole block every night hugging every guy she runs into that is a friend ["HIM TOO???"]. She also turns out to have Bi-polar disorder, which means it takes no less than a night for her to completley forget why she ever loved you in the first palce, or worse, why she ever deserved to have you in the first place. Shocked the heck out of me when she told me she didn't deserve to have me...

 

Don't give up guys, there's a girl out there for you. You may have to start going to different places to find one, but she's out there. Just make sure you don't go too far off your base to find her, or you will lose her in your return.

 

I have gained 2.5 years of valuable experience, but ultimately, I have lost 2.5 years of my life.

[dr_styles]

...

 

All I can do is soldier on.... I'm still living an honest, clean life. But going through this long in life without having any women love me at all?

*sigh* yep

 

Am I really unfortunate to be living in the wrong era? (I've been told that I would have had success in the previous generation) Is the nice guy/chivalry pretty much only a rare occurrence in today's times?

I haven't been explicitly told but from the way I go about things and also reading/listening how people might've acted differently in the past I've thought the same thing. Sometimes it seems I've been raised basically with my parents had it in the past. And yes I'm definitely the chivalrous type though I know that's not only it. Sad how I used to (I'm guessing you too) to take it all for granted, the expectation of having dates, girlfriend, relationship, sex, marriage, family, etc. but that all is looking very bleak. And just to rub it pretty much everyone else still can take it for granted it seems.

 

Hey great post Lonewing - are you saying from your experience it's better to not go "too far"? Your post seems to follow thoughts I sometimes have, like say going to a bar even if I don't drink to meet a drinking - ok that's extreme and presumptuous but trying to illustrate here.

[Knight of Hope]

Sad how I used to (I'm guessing you too) to take it all for granted, the expectation of having dates, girlfriend, relationship, sex, marriage, family, etc. but that all is looking very bleak. And just to rub it pretty much everyone else still can take it for granted it seems.

 

Now, I don't know this for sure, but for my own mental well-being, I have to believe that your dating outlook is really only as bleak as you make it. If you have yourself convinced that you'll never find a girl, then you never will. If you are dead set on finding someone, you definitely will. You just have to commit to it and fight for what you want.

 

I'm in a similar situation to yours (23 and never had a girlfriend), and fighting for things I want is not really in my nature - I'm the quintessential nice guy and I don't like to hurt people - but I've resolved to fight with every fiber of my being to one day have a girlfriend (or more than one) and marry the right girl. It's going to happen. I know what I want, darn it, and I'm going to get it!

 

Some guys get girls easier, that's for sure, but my thought is that there's just more girls out there that would be interested in them. Shy guys have a shallower dating pool, so to speak, but for nigh 100% of us, that pool isn't empty! You just have to be determined to find the water in the pool. Wanting to find love enough is kind of like a hot day - it makes you want to find that water (girls) all the more. And if the day is hot enough (if you want it enough), by God you'll find that water (you'll try hard enough and you'll find her)! It might happen quickly (luck), or it might take you a while (keeping yourself open to love, being social with people, and never giving up), but you will find her.

 

Okay, well that metaphor isn't perfect, but I think it gets my point accross.

 

I could be totally off-base, but I have a feeling I'm not too far off the mark.