25 and Never Had a Girlfriend

[archerz03]

*Sigh* almost 25 and most likely will be joining the "25 and never had a gf" club. I think I should hire someone to physically kick my a** and make me get out there and try to socialize, make friends and meet girls.

[LightbulbSun]

*Sigh* almost 25 and most likely will be joining the "25 and never had a gf" club. I think I should hire someone to physically kick my a** and make me get out there and try to socialize, make friends and meet girls.

 

Yeah, I'd like another guy to be like, "This is what you're doing wrong," and show me the ropes on how to attract girls.

[Shudder]

Depends on where you live...?

 

i guess.. but i grew up in a multicultural environment so i dont see skin colour as an issue. people who come accross it as being one are just setting more boundaries for themselves in regards to dating and relationships imo.

[dr_styles]

Yeah, I'd like another guy to be like, "This is what you're doing wrong," and show me the ropes on how to attract girls.

 

Yeah I could go with that too for sure!

 

i guess.. but i grew up in a multicultural environment so i dont see skin colour as an issue. people who come accross it as being one are just setting more boundaries for themselves in regards to dating and relationships imo.

 

It shouldn't be an issue but I think it's important to still know the various stereotypes or just the odds in general. Like I think it's good (as bad statistically as it is) that I know asian guy/caucasian girl couples are pretty rare, at least where I am. Typically the other way around btw. But that doesn't stop me thinking they are pretty :splat:

[mr1sparkle]

is ok, im 19 and i have never experienced a relationship before. I understand u tried so hard in finding one but perhaps at the same time, u are trying too hard. As a result, u might percieved by the gals as a desperate male who wants a gf.

[ckev09]

My two cents: Yeah. I can relate. Not being happy with yourself, and wanting to turn around and fix every little thing you don't like. Thing is, I often feel that way, but the actual action, as in attempting to turn it around, just isn't there.

 

Needless to say, there hasn't been much improvement. Sure, I have high goals, school, career, want my own house, good car, etc, all that. But the blocks or steps I should say, just either haven't been there, or I haven't been taking the right steps....

[ckev09]

Originally Posted by MD Geist

I hear many storys like this and I have yet to hear a success story.

 

Being 21 and older with no girlfriend=hopeless case.

 

 

Sadly, this is true. Walking proof right here.

 

But you're life will not be futile. My only advice is to be selfish...Focus on yourself, set a realistic goal and work toward it. It could be work related, or anything. Whatever you do has to be for you. If you have any talent, use it to the fullest. It's the only way. Above all - Forget Women. Sodini couldn't and look what happened to him.

 

So whoa,whoa,whoa, what does that mean? Anyone over 21 with little to no experience should just pack it in and forget about it? Cause that doesn't sound too hopeful to me. Well, unless you find someone who doesn't care and will give you a chance anyways. I mean, is inexperience really that much a, mmm, turnoff?, for lack of a better word.

 

I agree on the selfish part. Finding you're goal and working toward it, * * * * anyone else. Although, I haven't been able to find he success I have hoped for in my own goals. I mean, I have worked at my job for 4 years now. I haven't done much to really move up so to say. I just saw it as a job, didn't want to make a career out of it.

 

Well,as for forgetting women, it's been hard to do that. I mean, you feel so alone for such a long time, you wan't that companionship, you aren't getting what you need/want, and you ask yourself things isn't it supposed to work this way or that way? I mean, why do things go the way they go? I mean, it's like the age old question, why do girls like a-holes over regular dudes or nice guys? Not that I think myself a nice guy in that sort of sense, but you know what I mean...

[dr_styles]

So whoa,whoa,whoa, what does that mean? Anyone over 21 with little to no experience should just pack it in and forget about it? Cause that doesn't sound too hopeful to me. Well, unless you find someone who doesn't care and will give you a chance anyways. I mean, is inexperience really that much a, mmm, turnoff?, for lack of a better word.

 

It's not just about women finding it to be a turn-off/red-flag, although I do believe this as well. I mean I'd be surprised with anyone else I meet, guy or girl, to be in the same situation despite me being in it too. Being part of it just means I won't ever think less of someone of it.

 

It's not just about the red-flag because if you haven't had any sort of romantic experience (dating, kissing, even just hand-holding) by your mid-20s or later, then something is not working. Nothing has happened till now, so the trend is for nothing to happen going on without some sort of change. I agree with a main point of a thread around here a while ago; you're either very successful with dating/relationships or not at all.

[ckev09]

It's not just about women finding it to be a turn-off/red-flag, although I do believe this as well. I mean I'd be surprised with anyone else I meet, guy or girl, to be in the same situation despite me being in it too. Being part of it just means I won't ever think less of someone of it.

 

It's not just about the red-flag because if you haven't had any sort of romantic experience (dating, kissing, even just hand-holding) by your mid-20s or later, then something is not working. Nothing has happened till now, so the trend is for nothing to happen going on without some sort of change. I agree with a main point of a thread around here a while ago; you're either very successful with dating/relationships or not at all.

 

Well, I guess that's my concern, being thought of less for it. But is the reality moreso that you wouldn't be thought less of for it as much as some people just might be surprised by it?

 

I mean, one of my bigger screw ups was with the first girl I slept with, this was 4 years ago. I mean, I liked her, liked being with her, all of that. But I was so torn up by my inexperience at the time, I mean, I would say and ask such stupid things like "do you think it's bad that I never had sex before, been in a relationship, haven't done,this,that,etc," that she eventually had enough and left. It was certainly a learning experience. I mean, am I just letting petty bull * * * * eat me up and hold me back? Cause all of this stuff has really been bothering me, the inexperience and sense of being behind. Maybe I have just shelled myself up for too long.

 

As for success with dating/relationships,well, it's little. I would like to have more, but haven't found or figured out what works. I mean, I do and have gone out, alot. But find myself back home alone. I have that thing where I go out, and I see all these other people, and percieve them as being more successful. They have the great job, the house, the great social circle, the wife and kids,etc. And yeah, I say to myself, I want that. But getting to all of that has been a struggle for me.

[Knight of Hope]

It's not just about women finding it to be a turn-off/red-flag, although I do believe this as well. I mean I'd be surprised with anyone else I meet, guy or girl, to be in the same situation despite me being in it too. Being part of it just means I won't ever think less of someone of it.

 

It's not just about the red-flag because if you haven't had any sort of romantic experience (dating, kissing, even just hand-holding) by your mid-20s or later, then something is not working. Nothing has happened till now, so the trend is for nothing to happen going on without some sort of change. I agree with a main point of a thread around here a while ago; you're either very successful with dating/relationships or not at all.

 

This defeatist attitude (I'm older than 21 and have no experience) is going to keep you striking out.

 

Have you had a close female friend that you've spent some time alone with? I know you weren't dating her, but if you had this kind of friend, you spent time alone with a woman. That is dating experience. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And you never know... some woman might find you never having kissed a girl incredibly romantic.

 

See some worth in yourself! Stand up and let women know that you're worth paying attention to! Stop caring so much about what other people think!

 

I started doing what I suggested in the previous paragraph, and I've had a ton more success with women than I ever had in the past. It's only been two weeks since I made that mental switch, and I have women showing interest in me. That hasn't happened before - except for that awkward girl who liked me in high school but was just a little too odd for me. There's a long road ahead, I'm sure. I'm still somewhat afraid of asking a girl out - I'm a bit afraid of rejection - but I am going to do it. I've met a few promising prospects on link removed. As I mentioned in another thread, I found this shy girl I kind of like, I've talked to her on AIM, and we've both said we want to get to know each other better, but we want to take it slow. Maybe there's a girl like that for you. You never know unless you look.

 

I'm not happy being single, and I am going to do something about it. You should, too.

[GernBlanston]

See some worth in yourself! Stand up and let women know that you're worth paying attention to! Stop caring so much about what other people think!

That's really a tricky thing for a lot of shy guys like myself, and particularly those of us with low self-esteem. My self worth regarding my attractiveness to women depends specifically on my assessment of whether they find me attractive - pretty much by definition. I'm necessarily concerned with what other people (women) think. How could it be any other way?

 

I have no evidence that any women have ever been attracted to me, so on what could I possibly base any positive opinion of myself as it relates to this?

[Knight of Hope]

That's really a tricky thing for a lot of shy guys like myself, and particularly those of us with low self-esteem. My self worth regarding my attractiveness to women depends specifically on my assessment of whether they find me attractive - pretty much by definition. I'm necessarily concerned with what other people (women) think. How could it be any other way?

 

I have no evidence that any women have ever been attracted to me, so on what could I possibly base any positive opinion of myself as it relates to this?

 

You could base it on the fact that some woman somewhere will find you attractive someday, and that you might be able to win over other women with confidence and a great personality. Everyone gets old and ugly some day, so personality is what matters in the end anyway.

 

You'll try and you'll fail. So will I. But in the end the good guys are going to win, if they don't hide behind their shyness.

[GernBlanston]

You could base it on the fact that some woman somewhere will find you attractive someday, and that you might be able to win over other women with confidence and a great personality.

In other words, base it on imagined fantasy, rather than actual experience. It's by no means a fact that some woman somewhere will find me attractive someday. You may claim that it's possible, but it's not a certainty.

 

You'll try and you'll fail. So will I. But in the end the good guys are going to win, if they don't hide behind their shyness.

Yes, you are a good guy. You're doing your best to help people here. Women have expressed romantic interest in you. I just don't feel that I'm good enough - or, at least, worthwhile enough.

[Knight of Hope]

In other words, base it on imagined fantasy, rather than actual experience. It's by no means a fact that some woman somewhere will find me attractive someday. You may claim that it's possible, but it's not a certainty.

 

You're right. It is never a certainty. But honestly, I was in your shoes just two weeks ago. I really had nothing to go on to say that I was attractive, well except what my mom has told me. Anyway, I had to go on imagined fantasy. But I signed up for an online dating site, put up a picture, wrote a profile, and started putting myself out there. Guess what happened tonight? I have a date with a girl from that site. My first romantic date ever. I'm excited! All it took was telling myself that it could happen, and putting myself out there. I really hope it can be the same for you, and all the other guys on here having trouble.

 

Yes, you are a good guy. You're doing your best to help people here. Women have expressed romantic interest in you. I just don't feel that I'm good enough - or, at least, worthwhile enough.

 

Tell yourself you're good enough enough times, and some day you'll believe yourself. (It also really helps if you get yourself out there and get some positive feedback.)

[dr_styles]

Well I definitely agree with you both. I didn't even used to think if I was attractive or not - as we've posted before Knight, we kinda went by those "sayings". So it's not like I've always thought I was ugly or unattractive, I just kinda woke up to the fact that I'm not attracting anyone so how I can think I'm attractive. I certainly don't think I'm ugly but that's a bit of a dud point.

 

The self-delusion/motivation/fantasy (in the end all the same thing) thing varies between person-to-person too. Like anything you can only use one explanation for-some-time before it wears thin. It's been too long to have any faith in those sayings, it's been too long thinking I've just been unlucky, it's been too long for me to ignore it could be my appearance and apparent personality (I suppose this comes back to the saying of "be yourself").

 

Back to the original comment, it does sound defeatist, but I'm just going off a bit of realism here. Until something changes, nothing will probably change. Doubt I'll get lucky either (as above, can't convince myself with that one anymore). But what you've done is the online dating thing. BTW you may or may not have seen, I am closely following this little journey of yours good stuff! Anyway my point is I do agree that when you make some sort of change (in your case OLD) it does give a little bit of hope. I mean seriously who wouldn't when a girl fancies you. I've probably only had that once if you stretch the definition a bit.

 

I suppose the picky way of putting it is that I have no self-esteem left ... for real-life attraction.

[ind2]

Back to the original comment, it does sound defeatist, but I'm just going off a bit of realism here. Until something changes, nothing will probably change.

 

So a mental/internal change isn't enough in your mind? I think Knight's change in mindset let him do more daring things (i.e. date online), rather than the change itself be online dating. People can sense low self esteem a mile away, so maybe that's why you're having trouble attracting women?

[Knight of Hope]

So a mental/internal change isn't enough in your mind? I think Knight's change in mindset let him do more daring things (i.e. date online), rather than the change itself be online dating. People can sense low self esteem a mile away, so maybe that's why you're having trouble attracting women?

 

It was definitely a mental switch. I had enough of a switch to try online dating, and the positive feedback I've gotten from girls there has been enough to push the switch all the way. I'm chatting on AIM with three girls that I think are pretty cool, and attractive too! Never thought I'd be attractive to pretty girls, though now that seems kind of silly. I finally believe I've got enough going for me that a girl would want to be with me, and that's made all the difference in the world.

[GernBlanston]

But I signed up for an online dating site, put up a picture, wrote a profile, and started putting myself out there. Guess what happened tonight? I have a date with a girl from that site.

I definitely applaud you for making a change and actively pursuing your goals. It's great that your finding success online and so soon, too!

 

I think I've shared my experiences with online dating before. I haven't been on any dating sites for almost a year now, but had been using a couple for a number of months before giving up on them. I emailed hundreds of women, with almost no response. Those that did respond, while not negative, were not particularly receptive, either - they indicated they'd already found someone or were otherwise no longer looking to meet someone.

 

I've tried speed dating events as well - five, in total. So, that's a little over a hundred women I met in person on 3 minute mini-dates. None were interested in seeing me again.

 

I feel that by doing these things, I have been "putting myself out there". Through these experiences and others, I do have a base of evidence upon which to draw conclusions. The obvious one appears to be that I'm just not attractive to women.

 

Tell yourself you're good enough enough times, and some day you'll believe yourself. (It also really helps if you get yourself out there and get some positive feedback.)

Yes, it would help to get some positive feedback. When that positive feedback doesn't arrive, but the negative feedback keeps rolling in, how can I expect to feel good about myself in contradiction of all the evidence. When and how can I finally give up and at least let the specific negative experiences cease? I haven't given up yet, so that means I must still have some hope. I wish I didn't. I'd like to at least get rid of that. Then I could have some peace.

[ind2]

You see, I think that's a problem with your approach, but not a problem with you. During the times you kept trying with the online dating and whatnot, did you ever feel really good about yourself? Or were you just doing it because you thought it was a last-resort option? I mean, even online, a lot of it has to do with how you project yourself and confidence.

 

I mean, it's one thing to keep trying--but you've got to also switch things up a bit, try presenting yourself a different way, or else naturally you're going to be getting the same result over and over. Like say for the past 100 women you offered your hand for a handshake, and let's assume that handshakes are an instant no-no. Imagine if you stop trying to shake everybody's hand and just try a different sort of approach? I mean I obviously can't give you specific advice since I don't know your situation, but something small and seemingly insignificant as that (like maybe you always start out by asking the woman of interest her age--and that might throw off a lot of women?) can make a difference. Like I know one major thing I do is I avoid direct eye contact, and I guess that makes people think I'm not interested and bored and maybe even they think that I think that I'm above them--when it's just that I'm not used to holding eye contact for too long. Well anyway, point is, it's not just a matter of running the same cycle over and over--try something different, even if it means getting a haircut. As long as you aren't compromising who you are, change can be a good thing.

[GernBlanston]

During the times you kept trying with the online dating and whatnot, did you ever feel really good about yourself? Or were you just doing it because you thought it was a last-resort option? I mean, even online, a lot of it has to do with how you project yourself and confidence.

No, I don't think I've really felt good about myself since I was a young child. I don't feel I'm a confident person, but in real life (and this will come as a shock to anyone who's read my posts, here), I'm told that I come accross as a very upbeat person. My coworkers at various jobs over the years have made comments numerous times that I appear to be a really happy person. My friends, as well, tend to say that I'm quite easygoing and don't let things bring me down much. Surprising, right? My best friends - those I confide in - are aware of the internal issues, though. Having known me for sometime, they're aware of my lack of dating success, as well.

 

Suffice it to say that I've tried to project that positive face in my interactions online. Not only that, but I've asked for and taken the direct advice of friends that have been successful online. I changed up my profile and the kinds of things I say in a first message numerous times. All without any positive results. There is a common factor, though, that doesn't change - pictures. Although I change them around, they're still all pictures of me. That turns women off.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that looks are the only thing that matters. That's not it at all. I do get the impression, though, that especially online, if you don't have the looks, it's a dealbreaker. As much personality as you may try to show, it won't get you in the door if your pictures aren't appealing.

[Knight of Hope]

There is a common factor, though, that doesn't change - pictures. Although I change them around, they're still all pictures of me. That turns women off.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that looks are the only thing that matters. That's not it at all. I do get the impression, though, that especially online, if you don't have the looks, it's a dealbreaker. As much personality as you may try to show, it won't get you in the door if your pictures aren't appealing.

 

Yeah, I'll admit that looks are quite important in online dating. I honestly don't care if I have sex before marriage, but I know I've turned down women on these sites whose looks I didn't like. I'm sure some of the women who turned me down did it because of my looks. Every woman likes a different kind of guy, so I'm not going to be every woman's type. It may be true that you haven't found anybody who liked your looks, but with 3 billion women on this planet, there's got to be at least one that digs your looks, doesn't there?

 

Even if there isn't, you're fortunate - a lot of women find the men they're dating a lot more attractive. In other words, they eventually look past the looks. They don't have to totally dig your looks - they just need to dig them enough.

 

Sounds like you're done with online dating, and that's fine. Just contributing to the discussion and hoping that my advice might help the other guys on this site who may be thinking of trying online dating.

[GernBlanston]

It may be true that you haven't found anybody who liked your looks, but with 3 billion women on this planet, there's got to be at least one that digs your looks, doesn't there?

No, there really doesn't. No matter how many women there are on the planet, there's no guarantee that any of them should find me attractive. You may say - well, look at the odds, then. With that many women, isn't there a reasonable probability that I'll find someone? Perhaps, but probability doesn't work that way. I could look at an actuarial table and find an estimate of my probability of becoming disabled this year. While that probability is greater than zero, that certainly doesn't mean that I will definitely become disabled at some point in the future.

 

Even if there isn't, you're fortunate - a lot of women find the men they're dating a lot more attractive. In other words, they eventually look past the looks. They don't have to totally dig your looks - they just need to dig them enough.

Right. There was necessarily something about their looks that initially either appealed to the women or at least didn't turn them off. That doesn't mean that their looks can't improve in her perception over time, if she's also attracted for other reasons. You can't get your foot in the door if there's nothing there to start with, though. That's where I am - nothing to start with.

[ind2]

No, I don't think I've really felt good about myself since I was a young child.

 

Why is that?

[GernBlanston]

No, I don't think I've really felt good about myself since I was a young child.

Why is that?

That's a good question. I wonder if perhaps it's because I didn't know any better back then.

 

I suppose the beginning of my issue with self esteem is roughly associated with when I became interested in girls and realized they weren't interested in me.

[ind2]

So aside from having confidence in yourself, have you ever had confidence that dating or courtship of any sort would work? Do you feel that the whole process of boy pursuing girl is damned? I feel like you might be shooting yourself in the foot. Also, do you have friends who are girls (platonic)?