25 and Never Had a Girlfriend

[RunDMC]

I don't know about you but I hardly think that's encouraging at 39. (the kiss part).

 

Dude, better late than never, don't you think Don't tell me you wouldn't take that if at 39 you still had not had a kiss.

[Knight of Hope]

Dude, better late than never, don't you think Don't tell me you wouldn't take that if at 39 you still had not had a kiss.

 

Very much agreed! My goal is to have had a kiss before 39, but I'd take my first kiss ever then if that's when it happened.

[dr_styles]

Dude, better late than never, don't you think Don't tell me you wouldn't take that if at 39 you still had not had a kiss.

 

Yeah for sure. I just don't hold these situations up as some beacon of hope.

[MD Geist]

I have a friend who got his first kiss and lost his virginity at 39. And now he's living with the woman.

 

There's no time frame for finding love. It'll happen when it happens.

 

It would take a very special woman for a successful relationship to start like that for someone late in life.

 

 

 

I will probably never have that happen to me ever.

[LightbulbSun]

Hey, I'll take a first kiss at any age! I was just saying that it's not hopeless if you're an older virgin who has never had a girlfriend, because there are people out there who start dating later in life.

 

It's not something that you should be proud of, but you shouldn't be ashamed of it either. I just don't tell other people, because they would have an issue with it.

[RunDMC]

Yeah for sure. I just don't hold these situations up as some beacon of hope.

 

Why not? Isn't it positive? What hope or beacon are you using then?

[dr_styles]

I think just what Lighty has said. I'll throw in two more then I'll explain it:

- don't worry, girls will appreciate the nice guys after being burnt or settling down later

- women will be less picky when they're older and after a good father because their clock is ticking

These aren't things which aren't "bad" (especially if in the end they are in my favour) but in general, I don't even want to have to think about getting my first at 40, or being the guy a girl settles on for family, or a guy who gets the "used, banged up" girl.

 

OK that last one's a little harsh haha.

[saintxio]

These threads about guys talking about how they can't get a girlfriend is a tad depressing on the girls who aren't noticed in these pursuits because we're not "smokin' hot" or "ten body" etc. When I see friends with long marriages... the stable ones tend to be between people one would consider maybe a 6 at best. But they look so happy and usually really work well together.

 

On the other hand, I've been asked out by people looking like supermodels who can't hold down a relationship for more than a few months because they feel they can get "better." It gets to the point where I avoid or turn down guys that look like "10s" because I hate the idea of being held to some kind of idealistic standard. I'm sure there's other girls who think the same.

 

Get out there and make some friends that a girls. Average looking girls. Listen to them. Learn what qualities you like about them as friends. And step out of the temporary beauty mindset and look at the qualities that you actually feel most important in a person.

 

For me, I'm a bit on the quiet side so I find guys who are more introverted more comforting. Would take a quiet 6 over a talkative 10 anyday. Stop thinking of it as lowering standards and just think of it as looking for someone that really makes you comfortable.

[MorphyGyps]

I think just what Lighty has said. I'll throw in two more then I'll explain it:

- don't worry, girls will appreciate the nice guys after being burnt or settling down later

- women will be less picky when they're older and after a good father because their clock is ticking

These aren't things which aren't "bad" (especially if in the end they are in my favour) but in general, I don't even want to have to think about getting my first at 40, or being the guy a girl settles on for family, or a guy who gets the "used, banged up" girl.

 

OK that last one's a little harsh haha.

 

That last one is pretty bad. A girl is not used or banged up if she's had one (or more) serious relationships. Big deal if she had sexual relations in them. If she's not promiscuous or sleeping around you have no right to judge her (even if she was, who are you to judge or call her that?). That's life man. At your age, and especially if you reach 30, 40, you're not going to find a girl (or guy) who is a pure virgin. Better get used to it. That's life. That is her right. That's very double-standard. If you had a few relationships then settled down with a girl, are you "used and banged up"? Of course not. You are buying into society's double standard that it's OK for a guy but not for a girl. Also the whole nice guy thing...how many times do people have to tell you? It's not just about being nice or being a jerk. It's about being a real strong, nice, confident MAN. Neither extreme will do. Maybe the jerk thing works a little better, but at the end of the day, just be a decent person and you'll come off fine. That's the problem with nice guys, they have this sense of entitlement. Guess what, no one owes you anything. A person isn't "used or banged up" simply because they have had past relationships and you have not. That's your own deal to deal with and it's your own insecurities coming into play. If you enter your first relationship with that attitude, you're not gonna get very far. In my opinion most self-ascribed "nice guys" are insecure and have huge issues of resentment. This, of course, differs from genuine, confident men who are simply nice and polite at the right times.

[dr_styles]

I didn't mean in a virgin/relationship sense (I certainly don't expect one past my age either), just a "loose" party girl who gives it up to settle down or has been burnt too much. Same thing can apply with the girls, with a complete sexed out player "settling" for you.

But yeah the keyword is serious - or more so lack of. Though it's nothing something for me to go trying to find out.

[LightbulbSun]

I think just what Lighty has said. I'll throw in two more then I'll explain it:

- don't worry, girls will appreciate the nice guys after being burnt or settling down later

- women will be less picky when they're older and after a good father because their clock is ticking

These aren't things which aren't "bad" (especially if in the end they are in my favour) but in general, I don't even want to have to think about getting my first at 40, or being the guy a girl settles on for family, or a guy who gets the "used, banged up" girl.

 

OK that last one's a little harsh haha.

 

I think the issue is that girls at your age are young and stupid when it comes to dating. I don't think girls seem to wake up until they're approaching 30, and they realize from their past relationships what they've been doing wrong. That's why so many young girls go after the bad boy, and get burnt. They don't know what they want, and they're attracted to his confidence, so they get fooled.

 

I wish it was different, man. I wish girls would say, "Hey, I like that cute, shy guy over there, I'd like to get to know him better." And then they ask you out. But, as we all know, most women aren't like that. They're attracted to confidence and high self esteem, and shy guys with no self esteem get passed over. Occasionally, it happens, but then they're in relationships with other shy guys, so they're already taken.

 

I try not to think it as 'used and banged up.' I don't want to fix anyone, but I also don't want anybody to fix me. If she has lots of sexual experience, and I have none, I'd like her to be as accepting of my lack of experience as I am of her many sexual partners. In an ideal world (and sometimes this ideal world happens for older virgins), it would work.

[Reeling]

Well, an update:

 

Hopefully this will give others hope. My situation has turned around pretty drastically. I still want to find a serious relationship with someone, but my situation with women has improved a lot.

 

Over the past two months I've had interest from numerous women, romantic and physical, I've met a lot of women, gone out with a fair amount. I've dated several girls, two admitted they were in love with me, they're pretty girls but I don't see a romantic future with them, I thought if I dated them eventually I'd develop stronger feelings, but the feelings never came. Eventually I told them we couldn't be serious, that I really liked them, but that I couldn't reciprocate any greater feelings than that. We still date, but they understand the situation now.

 

I've had my fair share of hook ups, the one that stands out the most though was last month:

 

I was at a pool party a girl invited me to and I was speaking to a gorgeous French girl who was travelling the U.S. for a year on a J-1 visa, working as a model and singing teacher (her voice is incredible). She was literally, physically, my ideal. I like tall girls & she was 5'9, I love green eyes, which she had, and she was very tanned and athletic, which I love. We ended up clicking but spoke only briefly and exchanged numbers. Unforunately, her visa was expiring within a few days and she had friends in town who she was spending time with. Through a fair amount of effort, I managed to convince her to come to a small party at my place, it was basically her and her two friends, three of my male friends, and another female. I spent the trying to get close to her. At first she was rejecting my advances, once by literally laughing, which kind of hurt a bit. But my buddies encouraged me to keep going. By the end of the night we were finally kissing and we were building a connection. She had only two days after that until her flight left but I managed to see her again the next few days and she stayed with me in what can best be described as a short, beautiful, whirlwind romance. She's gone now but she's invited me to come stay with her in Paris for a week. My flight leaves next week. I'd love to date this girl but I don't think thats at all likely. However, I'm quite okay with just a brief romance, hopefully I'll see her again once this is over.

 

 

Besides her there are a few other girls in the running. This one is most on my mind, but I know I can't expect anything serious to develop under our circumstances. Nonetheless, I have to say I'm having a fantastic summer, I'm meeting great people, my social circle has expanded tremendously these last few weeks, and everythings just looking up. I even found another job that pays 80% of my current salary for only 20 hours a week, which is just amazing. Can't wait to start.

 

 

So, to the other guys who have felt the same way I have. Who've experienced lots of rejections and self-doubt. My advice to you is pretty simple:

 

1) Take care of yourself. Not just in terms of meeting women, make sure you have other things going for you in life. Success at school, sports, or work are all things that make you stronger and, in a way, build up a coat of armor that protect you when other things in life are bringing you down.

 

2) Take care of your body. It makes a huge difference. Women put in lots of effort to look well, its only fair that we make an effort too. This doesn't mean you need to be a male model. But work out, be healthy, get a little tanned if youre pale, and pay attention to how you dress and groom yourself.

 

3) Stay positive. If you have an upbeat demeanor people can sense it off you and it attracts them to you. The best way to be upbeat is to do things you like, be with friends whose company you enjoy, and to have things going for you that make you happy. I know that sounds truistic, but too many guys think 'stay upbeat' or 'smile' means: fake being happy when you're around pretty girls. It really doesn't. Find things that genuinely make you happy. It makes a world of difference.

 

And lastly, put yourself out there. You won't meet any girls on these forums. So go out, go to bars, restaurants, clubs, pools, parties, make loads of friends, see where they invite you and invite them out to places too. Just try and have a good time. Don't always expect these situations to result in meeting women, just go out to enjoy yourself, but while you're there, if you see an opportunity, go for it.

 

Best of luck to everyone.

[testcase]

Congrats man, you usually get what you put in and it seems you've been working hard and getting great results. Good luck keep up the good dating.

[Blockhead1013]

That is a pretty drastic change in attitude, Reeling... may I ask what exactly occurred the moment you noticed your situation turning around? What happened in your shift from desperation to happiness?

[LonelyPast]

8/11/2009

The last one I really liked and got along with, we ended up going out and really clicked, except it was too late since she was a tourist and her flight back to paris was 2 days later. Owned.

 

8/3/2010

[T]he one that stands out the most though was last month:

 

I was at a pool party a girl invited me to and I was speaking to a gorgeous French girl who was travelling the U.S. for a year on a J-1 visa [. . .] Unforunately, her visa was expiring within a few days and she had friends in town who she was spending time with.

 

Wait, so do you just keep running into gorgeous French tourists at the wrong time or is this the same girl from last year who left such a huge impression on you that you've unwittingly exaggerated the dates because it still feels like last month?

 

Anyway, your story is amazing, and I think I speak for everybody here when I say we're really rooting for you! A lot of us are following along the same path of self-improvement and perseverance in the face of hopelessness and defeat. It's inspiring to know that you've found some light at the end of the tunnel. It gives hope to those of us who can't quite see it yet.

[Bluesman89]

Wow that is some turn around. I really envy you man. Speaking as someone who is practically in the same position as you once were, accomplishing what you did is easier said than done (you probably know that).

 

Your story is certainly inspirational and I must congratulate you, and although I don't see myself ever reaching near the stage you did, I'm sure some other people will have the strength to break out of their rut like you did.

[-John-]

Thank you for sharing your journey, Reeling. It's very encouraging. I liked the bits of advice toward the end of your last post. Just great stuff.

[Reeling]

That is a pretty drastic change in attitude, Reeling... may I ask what exactly occurred the moment you noticed your situation turning around? What happened in your shift from desperation to happiness?

 

Firstly, I was never really desperate. I understand the tone of my first post looks that way, but I was simply upset I wasnt getting what I wanted despite the tremendous effort. Nothing ever *click* changed for me, things just slowly but steadily kept getting better. The modt noticeable changes that helped me were:

 

1. My circle of friends kept growing. I kept getting invited to better parties and being well connected, it became a lot easier to meet women.

 

2. I started having more friends with 'game,' guys to whom hook ups meant nothing and took no effort. I had no interest in becomin a manwhore like some of them (when youve had well over tree digits worth of partners, that term fits), but I did notice their confidence and nonchalance would rub off on me.

 

3. I was just a happier person. Things were going well for me, others could see it. People wanted to be a part of it, to some they'd just try to use mr to enter my circle, but others were genuinely attracted because of it. Things just got easier, and I could tell he two apart.

 

Lonely, there have been several other French girls & tourists this past year, I live close to two huge colleges and summer time its filled with tourists or exchange students. I remember the one from last year quite well, she was an exchange student during the summer semester, she was also brunette and a fair bit shorter than the current girl.

 

My basic advice to anyone reading this, male or female, is go out and live your life. Do what makes you happy, do what makes you better, do what makes you healthier. People can tell if youre doing well for yourself, you can either try to get better at faking it or achieve the real thing for yourself, and one is muh more rewarding than the other. Once youre doing well, you'll notice lots of things just take less effort and come more naturally.

 

8/11/2009

 

 

8/3/2010

 

 

Wait, so do you just keep running into gorgeous French tourists at the wrong time or is this the same girl from last year who left such a huge impression on you that you've unwittingly exaggerated the dates because it still feels like last month?

 

Anyway, your story is amazing, and I think I speak for everybody here when I say we're really rooting for you! A lot of us are following along the same path of self-improvement and perseverance in the face of hopelessness and defeat. It's inspiring to know that you've found some light at the end of the tunnel. It gives hope to those of us who can't quite see it yet.

[carra]

Hopefully this will give others hope. My situation has turned around pretty drastically. I still want to find a serious relationship with someone, but my situation with women has improved a lot.

Reeling, your message does give me some hope, since I think this is the first time (both in any forum and in real life) that I hear about someone who actually manages to get himself more attractive to women. There are literally thousands of threads about dateless guys and also thousands of pages with advice, but I had never seen someone reporting some success.

 

Now, to be able to do that myself is another story though...

[surfwax88]

There seems to be a lot of guys with similar stories on here. It is a little eerie..Well I will just say my situation. I am feeling very mixed lately. I had a pretty decent summer. First off before we go any further I will say I'm turning 25 Saturday. I've never had a girlfriend or had sex. I've kissed probably 4-5 girls in my life. First date was 17. First kiss 17. First make out 19 or 20. So I have some experience. I've had about 12 dates in my life including 3 this year. My effort has been better this year after basically wasting 22-23 by doing nothing. I've decided the main problems guys like myself has is that we are nice guys. Fundamentally we are and that is a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing. We are missing that little edge that girls seem to love. I have been working on putting my foot down and not always agreeing with everything a girl says. Taking charge instead of asking them for advice and "being the man". It sounds silly, but I think it is important. Girls gotta see you as a male and a masculine figure or they won't want to. You gotta be the guy who doesnt give a crap. You're gonna get the girl. Han Solo never had a gf either did it stop him? lol extreme example but..I am working on forming a band cause I am musical and play guitar (which can't hurt). I feel very mixed lately because I met a girl online this summer and we went out on 2 dates then it fizzled. We kissed a few times and enjoyed each others company and I still talk sometimes, but it was disasspointing. Then I ended up meeting up with a girl from high School that I used to like that I hadn't seen in maybe 6 years. I went into thinking eh and boom all those feelings came back and more in an instance. It was great and at the same time hard as well. She is a real nice girl, but has some problems. I plan to make a move because I don't wanna live in self doubt and fear anymore. This girl knocks me out. She is probably the love of my life. Cliche, but I just feel it and I can't see myself not having a go at this. I have to have the courage to keep going after having 2 horrible rejections by girls I was crazy about. I feel however very scared that if it doesn't work I will be shattered, but at the same time at the moment I can't really see myself with anyone else. She is that special to me. So I have decided that I am going to make a move/ask her out and see what happens and if doesn't go well I plan to just lose it by paying for it because I need a jump start in my confidence. I am past the point of where I should be and I need to get it done. I think it is unhealthy to go past my age with no sex or dating experience. Gotta turn it up a notch. I think people that say it is a bad option are full of it because it could help increase your confidence. This is a last resort if it ends up working with this girl I will have done it the way I want to which is right way. I don't wanna do that, but it isn't off the table. I also think that going back to some previous posts it is dumb to tell a girl you're a virgin in your mid 20s because they will probably freak out deep down. Love can be great but it can hurt a lot too, but I am not going to live my life in fear anymore. I am beginning to see signs of life and turning the corner and I am just one magical moment away from turning this around. It isn't impossible guys it's just really freaking hard, but when we do it we will feel on top of the world and have a feeling like any other. As for the whole "bad boy" thing I consider myself a nice guy but I can have an edge. Guys try to flex the edge a little more I think girls secretly love it and don't be afraid to make a move. They will never ever ever make one unless you get super lucky which we don't. We have to take charge. Enough of this "just wait, your time will come you are a late bloomer" BS. It is BS and it always will be. You need to have the courage to make it happen in this world. No one is gonna do it for you. We need to stand up as men and win lose or tie give it our all. This summer I did and I felt way better after even tho it didn't go to where I wanted it to go. Next few months I am turning this around! I will get her. Not might...I will. Why? Because I will. Good luck

[Achilles Dan]

Well ok hello guys(and girls), i was lately very depressed my self, i couldnt recognize the reason but i now i think i know what it is..

I always had a balance psychologically, up until now at least, but that was destroyed a few days ago when i watched a film that brought up feelings that i never even knew that there were there, i am a lonely person and most of out of choice, i dont think i look so bad, i never had anyone tell me that iam ugly or something, personally i think iam somewhat above the average but obviously that must not be true otherwise things with girls could have been much easier , if i was aiming lower then i would have had loads of girls up until now, but i just CANT do anything ,i mean sexually or erotically , if iam not attracted by the girl, really iam that type of guy and thats obviously bad for a beginning.

I dont know what iam doing wrong really, maybe i dont have patience , or iam too egoistic , but i ve never had an attempt on a girl that i liked, work out smoothly , NEVER, they were delaying , not giving up much of their supposed interest, and even denying me altogether(ok those incidents were not more than 10 altogether), and that by the years destroyed my self esteem on that area, made me weak and fearful and the combination of my ego , discouraged me on making attempts on other girls also.

Another "problem" which i dont consider it as such, is that i hate crowded places and modern music...

I dont know what to say, ill speak honestly ,iam 25 and rapidly advancing towards 26, and i only made out once with one girl without kissing her (yes thats strange) and i dindt even liked her ,thats why i didnt do anything.

What iam looking for is not for a super hot model NO NOT AT ALL, i want a cute ,nice looking girl, that will be sensitive , with good manors and gentle feelings, that i will be able to understand her and vise versa, a girl that would be decent , unpretending...

Iam not asking for much really , but its seems that i cant find it for a variety of reasons including my own insecureness and psychological weakness towards girls, iam not sure at all about my self after all those years .

Anyway thanks for listening