LightbulbSun Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I battle with feeling that I'll never be in a relationship, and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, which is that it could happen tomorrow. It's true that I'm a lot older than most guys who have never had a relationship, but I'm certainly not the oldest, and there are guys much, much older than me who are having their first kiss and/or getting a girlfriend. I made a topic on here about shooting yourself in the foot, and honestly I think that's very true. We put ourselves down - we're too fat, too ugly, too inexperienced, etc, to have a girlfriend, and the truth of the matter is that if we had more confidence and a 'who gives a * * * * ' attitude, things might change. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Hey great post Lonewing - are you saying from your experience it's better to not go "too far"? Your post seems to follow thoughts I sometimes have, like say going to a bar even if I don't drink to meet a drinking - ok that's extreme and presumptuous but trying to illustrate here. I think my greatest lesson is that you have to find someone like yourself or similar in moral interests. And if you are in a bar, you're going to find sleezy people, even if some of the people are decent. Ultimately, you're not going to find anyone wholesome, and in the end any relationship you pick up will be insustainable. And if you do find someone, it will be a onesided relationship that will put you in a far worse misery than your current lonely "I've never had a girlfriend" blues. Trust me on this. The night my girl flew through the door and yelled to the kids "five minutes we're going to the movies GET MOVING!" and I knew she didn't mean me and I knew she was going to this movie with her already new guy friend, I had to leave to the bathroom and I vomited up my dinner right then and there. That was the end, for I saw that no matter what she meant to me, I meant so little to her that she would never think about how her actions might affect me again. And I moved on. I'm on day three today, coming up on night 4. My emotions have been scattered all over the place, but I am now on the road to recovery. And I will find myself a new girl, once i get stable and solid again, but it will be a while. Yes, this experience is still very fresh on the asphalt!! So yeah, i fyou go to a bar, you will meet a drinking scandalous loose woman. Count on it. But honestly, you have to ask yourselves if that is really waht you wnat. And I know for myself that is NEVER what I ever wanted in a million years. I was hoping this one case would work out because my girl had JUST discovered drinking and clubbing after 30 odd years of living under the Mormon Curtain, and I really had hopes that she would find a happy center and not go off the deep end. No, it didn't happen. She was already in the deep end and she was the newest rising star. I'm, gonna meet her in ten or twenty years again, find her beauty reduced to a decrepit old hag and I'm going to laugh my as off. Link to comment
Knight of Hope Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I think my greatest lesson is that you have to find someone like yourself or similar in moral interests. And if you are in a bar, you're going to find sleezy people, even if some of the people are decent. Ultimately, you're not going to find anyone wholesome, and in the end any relationship you pick up will be insustainable. And if you do find someone, it will be a onesided relationship that will put you in a far worse misery than your current lonely "I've never had a girlfriend" blues. Trust me on this. I've thought the same thing many a time. It would be better to never have a girlfriend than date 100 sleazeballs. It's a small comfort, but still a comfort. Still, I always come back to the loneliness. Which means I'm going to try my best to find a girl. Not wanting to date a loose woman means my dating pool is a little more shallow, but that's really it. Link to comment
Reeling Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 It seems what I wrote struck a chord with a fair amount of guys here. There's really no point describing the women you shouldn't date when you can't find women to date to begin with. Yes, ideally I'd like a girl who accepts my flaws, who shares my interests, who is trustworthy and fun to be around. But if I'm having a hard time finding a girl that meets 2 out of 4, I'm not just going to find 4 out of 4 all of the sudden. If my problem is a lack of options, which is the case, then describing the ideal options won't help. Link to comment
MD Geist Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Maybe there's just not that many women left out there. Most of them are damaged goods. They are divorced with kids or something dark lingers in their life that most people do not know about such as an STD or something. Link to comment
Shudder Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 I really don't think anyone should be doing this. Telling someone who's not having any success to do nothing isn't going to seem very useful. . its not literally saying stop looking for it. just put it at the back. focus on yourself, find hobbies things to do. go out to meet people without the hopes of finding a gf. i find that when i'm trying to find a gf my actions come off as desperate and i become too pushy with people. Link to comment
Reeling Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 its not literally saying stop looking for it. just put it at the back. focus on yourself, find hobbies things to do. go out to meet people without the hopes of finding a gf. i find that when i'm trying to find a gf my actions come off as desperate and i become too pushy with people. I don't go out with the hopes of finding a girlfriend, although I do go out with the hopes of meeting women. I have to make an effort to meet women if I want to meet women. If I don't make an effort, absolutely nothing will ever happen. The way I present myself when I make that effort certainly has to change. Maybe I come off as pushy sometimes, I don't know. I don't think I do, but I can't judge my own body language. But I'll always have to be the one trying to meet women, because women don't try to meet me. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 I remember the first conversation I had with my ex. I had a routine fo going to the club and jsut standing around and talking in circles of associates, people I had met there and could carry a conversation. In this form of habit, anyone can join in or leave at any time, yet a conversation will continue. And so as I was talking with them, she walks up with another idiot and joins in our conversation. It wasn't like I did or not did anything; she was enamorated with my personality and my strong moral ethic. Believe it or not, there are some people out there who value high standards, and you might find women with little kids might be even more responsive to higher moral standards because they are suddenly in the boat of responsibility. And these qualities came out through this public conversation so much that at the end of the night she told me she wished she didn't have to go home away from me so soon. I though it over, looked at her, and then gestured to the Grill accross the stret and said, "they have good hot chocolate." I NEVER knew it was that easy to get a first date. Here's the drawback of this method to get to know someone: I felt the entire time I was talking to her that she was far too good to be true - and I found that all out later. But it felt really good, so I stayed in her sphere. That got me to a special place in her heart three months later, and there I stayed for 20 months out of the 30 months I was with her. Before you dismiss single parents, I ask you to consider that just maybe it was their ex who was the detrimental factor. My ex is insane, but her first ex and her second exhusbands were both good genuine people. Yes, every problem is caused by both individuals, but there can be issues that are more severe due to the other person. The best sign you have concerning single parents is a person who is actively taking strides to improve themselves, and not just talking either. Counseling is particularly important, as is the amount of time since the break up. In short, the advice here is don't ever date a girl who JUST split up and isn't one bit interested in fixing herself, because she won't last more than two seconds. The minimum wait after a significant relationship breakup is something like 6-9 months, where the longer the relationship, the longer the recovery time, is better. Most people don't follow this, and they end up in new relationships far too soon that are subsequently doomed because old issues have not been addressed. A child is not necessarily a coffin nail. A Woman with a child who equally still acts childish...IS! Just understand that you will be a very important part of that child's life, especailly if she keeps you around longer than a week, so take your role with that child very seriously from the first steps as your steps become available. You're not going to be dating just her - you're dating the both of them. Every time you want time with her it will be coming from the child. Something to think about. Link to comment
iwishiknew Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Maybe there's just not that many women left out there. Most of them are damaged goods. They are divorced with kids or something dark lingers in their life that most people do not know about such as an STD or something. There are many women out there, many are just low and shallow. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 There are many womenGIRLS out there, many are just low and shallow. Yes! Yes! Yes!!! And they are SURROUNDED by low shallow boys!! Link to comment
dr_styles Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 There's really no point describing the women you shouldn't date when you can't find women to date to begin with. I don't go out with the hopes of finding a girlfriend, although I do go out with the hopes of meeting women. Tick and tick. I have my "preferences" and standards too, but I've never had to put them into practice. All the more sadder 'eh ... Link to comment
Shudder Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 I don't go out with the hopes of finding a girlfriend, although I do go out with the hopes of meeting women. I have to make an effort to meet women if I want to meet women. If I don't make an effort, absolutely nothing will ever happen. The way I present myself when I make that effort certainly has to change. Maybe I come off as pushy sometimes, I don't know. I don't think I do, but I can't judge my own body language. But I'll always have to be the one trying to meet women, because women don't try to meet me. I'd say 99 percent of guys have to go out of their way to meet women or at least talk to them, because women don't really take the initiative for whatever means. at least not with me. unless you are like vincent chase that is... which who is fictitious. Link to comment
I Languish On Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 I hear many storys like this and I have yet to hear a success story. Being 21 and older with no girlfriend=hopeless case. Sadly, this is true. Walking proof right here. But you're life will not be futile. My only advice is to be selfish...Focus on yourself, set a realistic goal and work toward it. It could be work related, or anything. Whatever you do has to be for you. If you have any talent, use it to the fullest. It's the only way. Above all - Forget Women. Sodini couldn't and look what happened to him. Link to comment
Primantis Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 I read your post and can completely empathize, as a 26 year old with essentially the same story. Don't lose hope! After all this time I put in doing just what you are doing, just 6 weeks ago I met a great girl who actually reciprocated my interest. Things went amazing, and after a couple weeks our relationship became physical. Another two weeks and things were still going great, and it seemed like a decent relationship was finally brewing. One day she finally got around to asking me how many women I'd been with in the past. I made the mistake of admitting that I was a virgin when I met her. Although she seemed a bit surprised at first, she didn't let on that this was a problem for her. She left that night because she "had to get up early" the next morning. Ever since that night, she won't return my calls. If I wasn't discouraged enough before, I sure am now. Maybe we should give up. :sad: Link to comment
dr_styles Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 One day she finally got around to asking me how many women I'd been with in the past. I made the mistake of admitting that I was a virgin when I met her. ... Ever since that night, she won't return my calls. Wow, jeez, ouch! (lol just like a Batman comic) I'll be pre-emptive and ask: do you believe the "if she cared about it then you wouldn't want to be with her anyway" saying? Personally I wouldn't; it might be a shallow reflection on her part but to say it suddenly makes her a bad person, or that those times (if I ever have any) were fake, or it wouldn't have worked later on, I don't believe. If you had your time again what would you have said instead? Lie? Redirect/avoid? If I were to get anywhere in getting a relationship I'm going to face this sooner or later so I'm curious for your thoughts and teachings! (again, ouch! ](*,)) Link to comment
Knight of Hope Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Wow, jeez, ouch! (lol just like a Batman comic) I'll be pre-emptive and ask: do you believe the "if she cared about it then you wouldn't want to be with her anyway" saying? Personally I wouldn't; it might be a shallow reflection on her part but to say it suddenly makes her a bad person, or that those times (if I ever have any) were fake, or it wouldn't have worked later on, I don't believe. If you had your time again what would you have said instead? Lie? Redirect/avoid? If I were to get anywhere in getting a relationship I'm going to face this sooner or later so I'm curious for your thoughts and teachings! (again, ouch! ](*,)) Before I start, I want to say that I don't advocate lying since I think all it does is drive a wedge into a relationship that might break it someday. Keeping that in mind, I'll tell you what I've heard: I've heard that you're supposed to lie and tell the girl you've been with between 4 and 7 other women. Below that and you seem inexperienced (which you are, but you don't want her to know that!). Above that, and it seems that all you want is to get in her pants. If you're in your early 20s, aim toward the lower end of that range. Late 20s, high end. If you're in that range, you're obviously good enough in bed that you can satisfy a woman, but you just haven't found the right one yet. But if you don't like the idea of lying (I know I don't!), I have two ideas. First, decide that the right girl won't care and move on with your life. Second, convince the girl (somehow...) to let you lose your virginity with her, and then do your very best to show her a very good time. Link to comment
hmm1 Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Wow, that would screw me up for life. Link to comment
Primantis Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 To answer your questions: do you believe the "if she cared about it then you wouldn't want to be with her anyway" saying? No I don't think so. I think it's totally reasonable that someone go in to a relationship with certain "must haves" and "can't stands" in a partner. If having sexual experience is one of those things for her, I totally respect that. However, how she handled the situation was hurtful and inappropriate I think. To have sex with someone 8 or 9 nights over the course of 2 weeks and then dump him because he is too inexperienced is not right. If that's important, get to the questioning before you jump in the sack. Also, I think the abrupt stoppage of contact without any warning isn't a fair way to break up with someone you've been dating over a month. But what do I know, I have no idea what I'm doing... If you had your time again what would you have said instead? Lie? Redirect/avoid? I am not very good at lying, and I'm sure it would come out eventually. I'd probably redirect/avoid, but if it meant that much to her, I'm sure she wouldn't have let it slide. I really don't think her problem was the quality (though maybe I could be wrong), but the sheer shock value of a 26 year old virgin. It will probably be a while before I make any attempt to get back in the game. I finally find a girl that likes me and this is what happens. Can anyone think of anything positive I can take from this, other than the fact that I don't have to tell another girl I'm a virgin in the future? I'm digging deep and finding nothing. Link to comment
Guarneri Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 I don't think her caring about your inexperience was reasonable at all. A person should be understanding and compassionate in matters like this. You're better off without her. Link to comment
LIFE Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 The reason he isn't getting a date isn't because of his inexperience, or his eagerness, or how woman "sense" him coming on to them. It's because.... He's MIDDLE EASTERN. You guys don't see that? Link to comment
LightbulbSun Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 The reason he isn't getting a date isn't because of his inexperience, or his eagerness, or how woman "sense" him coming on to them. It's because.... He's MIDDLE EASTERN. You guys don't see that? Well, maybe he should look for middle eastern women. There are plenty of women who wouldn't be put off by dating a middle eastern guy. I'm white, and I wouldn't be put off dating a middle eastern girl. Link to comment
Shudder Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 what has race got to do with anything? people who make it a big issue are obviously too closed minded. Link to comment
dr_styles Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 heh that just seemed like a bait post to me Link to comment
LightbulbSun Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Yeah, now I'm starting to see that the poster has a problem with middle eastern people. Either that, or he's trolling. Link to comment
ind2 Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 what has race got to do with anything? people who make it a big issue are obviously too closed minded. Depends on where you live...? Link to comment
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