I can't stop snooping... HELP!

This might sound extremely stupid, but I think I'm addicted to snooping and checking up on my boyfriend.

We have been together for over four years now and living together for one year. He has never given me any real reason to distrust him, although he does tend to have a flirtatious personality--all in good fun, though, and rarely anything over-the-top. He's a very outgoing person and even jokes around with his male friends, pretending to hit on them. They all do that to each other.

Anyway, my problem is that it's too easy to check up on him and see what he's saying to other people... whether it's on Myspace or other websites he frequents like message boards. I won't even be having insecure thoughts and then suddenly, when he's not around, this urge grips me and I just have to go spy on him. It honestly feels like I can't think about anything else until I do it, and it's like a fix... like a drug! It's ridiculous, and above all, just plain wrong. I know these things, but I can't stop! My heart pounds and I get a crazy adrenaline rush every time, then sick to my stomach if I discover something questionable.

The worst part is that every once in a while I'll find something that I don't like, and then the only way I can confront him about it is by letting him know that I've been going through his things. Then he is very angry, understandably, but has always forgiven me (somehow).

This time it's worse... we had another episode today, and get this, it was about something that may or may not have happened before we even got together. But my thing is that if this "something" happened, it means he lied to me about how experienced he was when we got together, and has continued on with that lie for over four years. So I brought it up, he set me straight, and now I feel like a complete idiot for worrying about it. I tend to take things the wrong way a lot and misunderstand when something is a light-hearted joke and when it's not, which is what happened in this case too.

He's sick of dealing with my trust issues but still does not want to break up with me because he loves me, and most of the time we're awesome together. Everything will be going perfectly well and then I'll relapse and suddenly have to go digging for hours, googling his name, anything to make sure he's not cheating on me! When to my knowledge, he never has.

I'm definitely ruining our relationship, especially after today. He just told me that he no longer trusts me. So now neither of us trust each other... great. And it's all my fault.

What is with me? Am I insane? Seriously, all of this is so embarrassing and I realize I must sound like a total nutcase. I need some serious advice... even if it's just "STOP, YOU OBSESSIVE IDIOT! GET A GRIP!" What I really need is a slap to the face.

Thanks.

See a therapist, there must be a bigger issue than this that you haven't over come in the past.

And you're not alone. Many of the things you said hit close to home particularly...

"My heart pounds and I get a crazy adrenaline rush every time, then sick to my stomach if I discover something questionable"

I've been there, as well as the myspace comment/friend trolling, google searching his name and email addresses..

But there is a bigger issue than fear of infidelity. I've been where you are and am still trying to work it out. I think for me its some sick self punishment stemming from being the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family. Always digging to find proof that 'they' were right and I'm not worth a damn.

If you continue this pattern you will only push him away, truly think about how you would feel about yourself if the tables were turned, someone you love always thinking the worst of you - it hurts.

Consider all the possibilities; is it because you believe you are not worth loving, or worth being loved by a truly good person? Are you addicted to adrenaline and when things are too calm you look for excitement in a negative way, or is it a fear of commitment that you are projecting on to him? Until you figure out what the underlying issue is you will never be able to trust him, but worst of all never be able to trust yourself and your own intuition.

Therapy is the probably the best solution, but unfortunately not always a financially plausible option. These types of forums may help you best guess the core issue, but you really need to open up to the people in your life whose opinions you trust to explore it more. Once you have a handle on the core issue, talk to your boyfriend and let him know whats going on in your head. If he truly loves YOU then he will do what he can do to help you, this alone could help build back his trust in you as well as you in him.

rusted angel, I think my girlfriend is acting like you, she keeps on worrying that someday I'll be interested in other girls and I'll dump her when that day happen but I haven't cheated in my entire life. Last night we had an argument (other cause, not co'z she's jealous) and eventually told me that she still don't trust me... Damn! I really don't know what to do... We'll be seeing each other tomorrow at scholl but I know I'll feel uncomfortable with her knowing that she don't trust me...

Oh honey...I went through this and I know what you are going through!!! It started as snooping before my now ex-husband and I even got married. In the beginning, I really didn't have a reason to start to looking. Just an intense desire to do so and it would drive me insane if I didn't snoop. But then I started to find things...and it snowballed.

Long long long story short, my snooping and trust issues were a contributing factor in the demise of our marriage. If this is a relationship you value, I urge you to seek out some form of counseling to help you deal with these issues. I did, but far too late---but, better late than never. I still have my moments, but I'm nowhere near as bad as I was before.

Best of luck to you!

I feel like you just typed up my life story. I too am just like that. It seriously is an addiction. I know that I shouldn't snoop, but it's just too easy.. I have his passwords, I have access to his phone logs because we are on a family plan, I check his internet history, Sometimes I go beyond what is normal just to find something.

I also feel like I need therapy. I want to stop, but I just can't.

I know I am ruining my relationship with my trust issues. I haven't had to bust myself out too many times with the snooping. I've always found ways to find things out without revealing how I did it. But I am driving myself crazy.

Best of luck to you. We both just need to learn how to trust.

I have had this problem and always found something that made me want to throw up. They say when you look for something you will find it. I think you should go on a diet from it and block those pages. I beat it by the pain I felt when I found stuff.

see a therapist, maybe your trust comes from something that you experienced in the past. i used to do the same thing with my boyfriend and then i started seeing a therapist and my trust issues come from another place. its hard to stop, i know..but you gotta try

Start concentrating on all the great things in your relationship.

Make a list of the good things and read them over and over, whenever you have the urge to snoop around.

This will help you to reinforce positive thoughts about your relationship, and prevent you from feeling negative. Your snooping is directly related to self-esteem issues.

What do you do for a living or even to relax?? I think the positive thing is that you have recognised that you have a problem and are going to do something about it

that is called "insecure" What would you do if one day you discover something that really hurts you? Are you ready to leave him? In other words don't go looking for what you are not ready to accept.

You are basically looking for validation or evidence to trust or not trust him You fear trusting him... because your insecurities wont allow you.. The good news is you can get on top of this...you can control these urges..I was once like this and its awful isnt it? try and look at your relationship with less intensity...make other things in your life as important as your partner. You sound like perhaps you focus all of your happiness on him..lessen his significance in your head..not your heart of course.So when you are at home next time dont allow your thoughts to immediately think Oh yes i can snoop now hes not here..go out..read a book..phone a girlfriend...whatever....you are treating your snooping like having a sneaky cigarette...its habit forming..you can control this and trust me once you do you will finally start to relax and believe more in the realness of your relationship...

You wouldn't believe how much you sound like what I have been going through. I have been with my husband for 2 years now(married one) and I obsess over what he MIGHT be doing when he is away from me.

Now I was married nearly 14 years to my childrens father and never even thought about him doing something wrong/behind my back. He was an over the road truck driver and I still didn't consider him cheating. Back then I was pretty naive though. After our divorce I started going out with friends, to clubs and such and saw first hand all the married men and what they were up to. I even got involved in a relationship with a guy that I thought was really great, only to find out that he was married.

So when I met, and started seeing my present husband, I had reason to think men were pretty much all cheaters.(I had seen so much of it)... and a few days after I met my husband, he admitted to having an affair on his ex-wife....(he had to... he got the woman pregnant, and his wife was pregnant, the girls are 3 days apart) so knowing he was capable of doing that in the past- scares me about what he might do now.

So I constantly worry. I look in his emails, I never really find anything except an occasional trashy email from a guy friend. Of course thats not enough-I start obsessing about whether he has an "other" account I don't know about- so I try to find that out. As far as his cell phone-it is a work phone, so I don't get his bill. And checking it is futile, because I know you can delete anything you don't want seen. So I have pretty much given up on that. I even drive myself nuts over him becoming friends with any neighbor ladies. We have one directly next door to us, she is like 58 years old, and I still worry when he talks to her. Now thats embarrasing.

I told you all that, to let you know your not alone. However we can't continue living this way. Not only will it drive us crazy... but we'll never be able to truly enjoy a relationship. The only one we are really hurting is ourselves. Before I quit looking in my husbands phone, he he admitted to having "set it up" in such a way that he would know that it had been touched. He didn't care- he said he had nothing to hide, but it amused him that I snooped. Of course I got mad that he was being amused my me.... until I realized that that was better than him being mad at me.

All that being said- I still snoop in his emails. I guess I would just rather know if he is doing something he shouldn't ... than go on in this relationship, loving him more each day, and building a trust in him, just to have it torn down, if and when he does do something. I just turned 40 a few weeks ago and at this point in my life I don't want to start over. So I have been living in fear of what could happen, but never get a minutes peace to enjoy what I have now. Somehow we have to let go...

I really didn't have any advice to give you, I just wanted you to know your not by yourself in this.

I hope things get better for you!!!!

Wow, I could have written this myself, sheesh. I don't have any advice, but the whole, it feels like a rush, like an addiction, I have been there. I know I need to stop, and I know it's a problem. I drive myself nuts with these crazy "what if" scenarios. I don't have any advice, but will gladly continue reading others....

i have the same problem as the original one. the main reason i came though was because the problem is i found something that was about before we got together. Thing is he lied to me and said it was his first time doing it (not talking about "our first time" just something "extra") and thats why he wanted to try it etc but i just found out that he had done it with his last girlfriend. im devastated bc he lied to me to get what he wanted. any advice about dealing with it? i dont want to tell him i saw pictures though bc we just got over a fighting period.

It sounds like you are just looking for something to get upset by or start a fight with. I've been in your shoes before and I totally understand what it feels like to have those awful urges and go snooping. I also found something about my bf before we were "officially" together. It wasn't a deal breaker or anything, just upsetting to know.

Anyways, my point is that if you continue snooping, he will get fed up with it and then put passwords and controls on his phones and e-mails so he can have his privacy. And if he does that, well then it won't help you to trust him.

So if he hasn't done anything to make you doubt him, then give him the benefit. In my experience, when someone has done something shady, it always came out into the open somehow. Have you been cheated on in the past or is it his flirtatious personality making you suspicious? Think back to what is it that makes you want to snoop? Do you have a fear of being cheated on? Because once you figure out why you're snooping, then you can work on it and develop some trust in the relationship.

Great advise - I love it! I, too, have had issues with this. Although, it should be said, it was because my bf broke my trust. Prior to that, I never had that woman's intuition to look through his things.

Usually, as most of you have mentioned here, when you go looking you usually end up finding something! If you're not ready to see it and deal with it, don't look! If you find something and you're not ready to leave, it'll only drive you INSANE! It'll consume every thought you have. If you think something's wrong, there's a good chance you're right. Again, if you plan to snoop, be prepared of the consequences!

I had the same problem at one point and could not stop myself. However, I took a step back and asked myself, why am I doing this? What has he done to make me want to do this? I figured out it was my insecurity of getting hurt. I would rather see it coming, then be blind sided.

What motivated me to stop all together was the effect it was having on my relationship. There is just no way you can be happy feeling insecure and not trusting the man you love. Snooping will ruin your relationship. My motivating factor is my significant other. If you want to lose your SO, this is the way you will do it, by snooping. It sends a message that you do not trust him. If you cannot trust, you will drive him away.

What you need to realize is this. You cannot control what another person thinks or does. Even if your significant other is doing something shady (not saying yours is), snooping is not going to stop them. So why worry over something you have no control over.

So its basically a choice. Choose to be happy and trust him. Or continue snooping and eventually you will lose him. If he hasnt done anything to warrant your snooping, then you are hurting him by sending this clear message you do not trust him.

I don't really have any advice either, but I have this problem, too.. I definitely could've written this post. I WANT TO STOP SO BADLY but as SOON as the opportunity arises, I can't help myself. After reading this post and people's comments though, I finally took the plunge and set up an appointment with a therapist because I don't want to lose my bf and I know this is getting out of control.

Hi everyone, i just had to reply to this as like a lot of people have said, its like i could of wrote the original post myself! Like the OP i too have no real reason not to trust my bf, i dont snoop through his stuff as much as i check up on my history as he uses my computer when i see him. It is like an addiction! I always delete it but before i do i have a look just incase! When ive told him i have or asked him what such n such was about that he looked at he is never ever pleased!

I'm very insecure and i dont really enjoy being me anymore so im completely wrapped up in the 'what is he doing' and 'whats he thinking' and all the other things that drive yourself mad.

I need to get this sorted as ive always done it, but it only ever happens when im with someone who i absolutely find really good looking because i know they could really hurt me and i think it would just kill me so usually i dont enter relationships with men i realllly like for fear of that happening, and also so i dont have to deal with the crippling urge to want to check up on them! So ive never actually dealt with my issues at all.

Now im with someone i reallly love and he loves me these insecurities have come flooding back with a vengeance! As someone else said im pretty sure it is down to underlying issues other than being afraid of being hurt. For example, feeling im not worthy of someones love is a big one for me, i think.

I'm thinking of doing therapy for it because its actually driving me mad and making me miss what i have, i dont want to lose him.

^ Halo33, it would be better for your to start your own thread, as this is an old one and the OP has never been back since posting this thread. Thanks.