10 years lost

she just told me. She cheated on me again. This time she slept with him. 10 years we've been together. Married 5. I don't know what to do next.

The last time it was just a kiss but it hurt. It broke our trust and nearly ended our marriage. This is worse.

I told her that if it ever happened again we were done. I wish I hadn't said that but I feel like I was right in saying it and I'm just not sure what to do next.

I'm sorry for anyone who's ever gone through this. There aren't words to describe it. Its destroying me... I don't want to tell my family - they love her and it would kill them to know. As for my friends - its just to humiliating right now....I feel like crap. I hate her. I hate my what my life has become. I've sacrificed more than anyone should for their marriage and this is what I've been given in return.

I just need someone to read this, to take a small piece of this pain away. I want my life back ....

The pain, unfortunately, never goes away. It does, however, lessen. In the end, it is best to remember our greatest glory is not never falling, but in raising every time we fall...

What a ...she doesn't deserve you man. She'll probably do it again. You deserve better. Much better.

I am sorry to hear that this happened to you. Seeing that this was not the first time, it is clear that she has a cheating mentality. Each time you take her back, she is given tthe message that it's "ok" and that you will stick around and take it.

You essentially have 2 options here:

1.) Get a divorce and remove her from your life for good.

2.) separate and make her learn what life is like without you. Only reconcile if you want to and if she agrees to go to professional counseling. In other words, if you ever give her another chance, she must work for it. It won't just be a given that you will be there to take her back. You can't keep letting her take you for granted.

Of course choice #1 seems like the most obvious and the best for you, but I realize that this is your wife and you must love her so sometimes even though it's easy to tell people to just leave, that's not always what ends up happening. But I agree with the others that you deserve better.

BellaDonna

I've sacrificed more than anyone should for their marriage and this is what I've been given in return.

This statement really concerns me. Perhaps there is more going on that needs to be discussed?

You don't necessarily have to divorce or separate. You could talk to her, consider counselling, work together to try and figure out what is wrong and how to fix it.

Thank you everyone for posting something - anything. It mattered, it helped.

I wrote that post late last night.... I wake up today and its all still here only now I have to do something and I don't know what.

I've been a good husband these last 5 years. I've provided for her. Settled all of our debts from school, bought the house that she loved. I've been there for her through her grandfathers death, dealt with her moms alcoholism. I've been attentive loving and caring. Those are all her words not mine. I never cheated, never hit her, never yelled or belittled. I don't drink too much, I don't even smoke. I've cared more about her than myself and I never imagined this would be the result of so much hope and so much time and patience.

Its impossible for me to think of my life without her. She was everything to me and found me at a time in my life where I wasn't any good to anyone, gave me the confidence to become a strong man and a good husband. She helped me create a life I loved and one worth all the hardships we've endured and then shes taken it all away and I don't know what to do next. I don't know what to tell my friends I don't konw what to say to anyone about anything....god this hurts....I want it all back so badly.... I know I should leave, but I still love her.

We are supposed to go to my parents house for thanksgiving today but I'm here in front of my computer crying because I couldn't find any tears when she told me.... I'm sorry everyone

It is possible to feel hurt, then somehow forgive and move ahead together. All is not lost no matter how much it hurts.

Don't appologize to us.

Yes, it's an awful thing to have happened. But, do you want to work through this with her? Just because a lot of people say your marriage must end doesn't mean that it must absolutely be that way. Many marriages survive an affair or acts of unfaithfulness.

Talk to you wife. See what she thinks of it all and what she wants to do. Just because you gave her everything you thought she wanted doesn't necessarily mean that was what was really important to her, even though it seems like everything.

i am going through the same thing right now but it is my second time going through the hurt and the pain it never goes away. and if you 2 stay together it will always come up in a argument if you think she has a edge on you in the argument

For anyone out there who ever goes through this I hope that you don't find as much hate in your heart as I have.

I don't know if she would do it again. I don't know if we can survive this together. I haven't decided if I'm goign to ask her to leave permanently or temporarily though I suspect I will do at least one of those tomorrow when our thanksgiving guests leave. Thank you ash and I'm sorry comairboy...I don't know if anything applies to me right now though....

What I do know is that right now all I seem to be cosumed with is hate for her and what she did to me AGAIN and worse hate for the guy she did it with. I haven't said almost anything to her in 2 days because every word coming out of my mouth prior to that was just to hurt her and I'd rather shut up than let it continue. I want her to hurt like I do but I know its not right and know I'd feel sorry for it eventually.

I don't know if this will go away to or be followed by somethign else - I'm not like this. I'm usually a gentle person but all I want to do is say things to hurt her and its killing me that there is nothing I can do to get justice for what he did to me and our marriage. My wife is suffering, I'm suffering, hes not though and I feel helpless...

404, I do understand the feelings that you have. It is going to take awhile for you to come to terms with what happened. However you decide to proceed, just take as much time as you need to digest things.

I do suggest you talk to a counselor. You've got a lot to work through even on your own. At a later point, perhaps you and your wife might consider some joint counseling and see whether you can work things out, or not.

I would tell your family. You need some support during this time and your family will be there for you. It isn't necessary to paint her as an evil person and turn them against her. Just talk to your family about what happened and how you feel. Don't bottle these things up inside. It will make the feelings much worse.

it is always a gut punch to learn about a betrayal, so you are in shock right now. try to be kind to yourself and please don't make any big decisions until you have had time to digest this and you are thinking clearly.

i agree with the prior poster who says you need to get marriage counseling for this. whenever there is infidelity in a marriage, it is so disruptive that it is frequently hard to get past the anger and hurt and get down to the real sources of the problem without professional help. and usually there needs to be an impartial referee to help you work through the problem to decide whether the marriage can be saved.

you will never have the innocence you had before this, but you might be able to work through this awful time IF your wife wants to stay and to recommit to you and the marriage in such a way that you can restore enough trust to function.

it is very normal to be angry at the cheater's affair partner, but DON'T focus too much on the guy who cheated with your wife. He is not entirely to blame because it takes two people to cheat, and your wife participated in this, so you need to deal with whatever is going on with your wife's feelings that she would do this, and between you and your wife. Since she has done this twice, there is obviously something going on with her or in your marriage that you both need to address. Focusing on him is just a red herring that takes away from that and accomplishes nothing but fanning the flames of jealousy and rage.

Please make an appointment with a marriage counselor, and insist that your wife accompany you there. it will really help you figure out what you need to do, and help you move towards healing.

Well just be thankful that she did not get pregnant by the guy. or you would have that to deal with for the rest of your life like I did.

I am just dropping a quick reply, to let you know, I know how you feel.

I stayed WAY too long in a relationship that was going NOWHERE. She did not cheat on me, that I am aware of, but we were not meant to stay together. I stayed, because I thought she needed to be taken care of. Also, I was way down and to be totally honest, thought I deserved to be treated that way.

You have to get out. I know how you feel. It hurts to be alone. However, living with someone who clearly does not care about you, will KILL your heart and DEMOLISH your soul.

Please do this for yourself and try to let go.

Oh, and I lost 13 years. Part of the reason I think I stayed, was because it was so long... Please do this for yourself. Don't make it 11 years. Just because the length of time is long, does not make it right.

Hey, bud...

Twice?

All your comments. add up to what I'm going through right now. except my wife of 5 years, 9 in the relationship is walking. She may have cheated while I was away and is afraid to tell. I'll never know nor do I want to. But the truth is from your statements above you are feeling worthless and you have felt worthless when you met. She gave meaning to your life. She knows how to push your buttons and she is probably extremely avoidant while you are probably extremely anxious. It is tough, I don't necessarily recommend couples counseling. I do recomend you go to counseling and figure out what you want. You don't have to leave right away, you can move into the extra bedroom and isolate yourself from any physical contact while you figure out what you want. Use your insurance, most policies cover therapy and find a counselor that you click with, but will push you at the same time to discover who you are and what you are going to get out of life.

I've only recently found out in my own life that groveling for someone elses affection is pathetic, and I feel shameful for letting myself do it for so long. I need to forgive myself, rediscover myself and move on. (Said easier than done) Can you work this out, YES. Can you stay together, YES. but maybe she is doing these things to get you to walk out and she will continue so that she doesn't feel like it is her, but that is was always YOU.

Don't obsess the other guy. read a book like "Becoming Attached" This gave me tons of things to self reflect upon. I'm dealing with everything better, now that I know a little more about myself.

Hang in there, go get the help that you need. And I can honestly say it isn't going to come from having "discussions" with your wife.

Also get yourself checked for STDs if you have had sexual contact with her. Not to add anything to worry about, but you need to take care of yourself.

Take Care

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has posted and read through all of this. I've read everyones advice and heard from a number of other people what they think....decisions are still only halfway made.

Just to be clear, this is the 2nd time my wife broke the trust of our marriage, both times with the same guy - and friend of hers from highschool. The first time it was only a kiss, this time they slept together. Though to be honest, he has always been an issue in our relationship.

That aside, my wife decided that she wants to try to work things out. When she told me that definitevely (I kept telling her get back to me when your sure one way or another) I had 2 things stuck in my head.

1) I would do anything for my wife who I unfortunately still love and a marriage that meant everything to me.

2) I have to protect myself and my life from being wasted by someone who cares only about themselves and will eventually leave anyway. Basically I can't let her keep hurting me.

In the end I've tentatively decided to give it one more shot under a few conditions. For the time being we are living under the same roof and still sleeping in the same bed. She has agreed to go a counselor with me (our first apt is next week) and if they advise, to see one by herself. I don't know if she is genuinely sorry for what she did - I don't know if our relationship can be repaired or regrown. I do know that I don't want to leave this marriage before saying I tried everything and most importantly if I have to choose between #1 and #2 above I'd rather be the buy who got hurt again than the guy who left to prevent it from happening again without being sure that it would. Divorce has never been a concept I've wanted to swallow though I know there are times it is for the best.

I'm still hurt and its creepy how it sneaks up on me though I'm in better shape emotionally than I was. Mostly its just weird and empty. I don't know what to say to her or how really to act...things are very awkward, most of all because we still get along well, not because things are awful - that would actually be easier. I know shes lost, I know shes hurt to, if not by this then just by life and I can't ignore that. The hard thing is to know where to draw the line, what to let go of and where to go next and the ever-present, maybe one of us will leave tomorrow for good.

I think you are making some good decisions here and I really like how you are handling things.

Relationships/marriages can recover from this sort of thing if both parties are willing to commit. You sound as though you are committed but have a few hoops to jump through. I hope your wife is and that everything starts to improve for you from here on in.

Good luck with everything.

404

I haven't been around the boards in a few days. I think you decision is healthy right now. Couples counseling can be a fantastic benifit to rebuilding trust and respect. Your efforts to repair and her efforts to repair will not go unnoticed by either one of you if sincere. That is the fantastic thing about love, we realize that we love and hate the person at the same time, and that there is not an evil person separate from a good person. But they are a mixture or blended.

I guess the concept for you that I want to share is piece it in your mind that couples counseling is about fixing US. It isn't about her getting fixed, but the both of you. Open yourself up, empathize and really feel your own hurt and express it. I'm sure she has hurts from you as well, and once you both are able to express your own hurts first introspectively and then to one another the intimacy and connection you both seek reveals itself.

Also, realize that she can walk away at anytime. She may be unable to forgive herself. She may be riddled with a lump of guilt that she may never be able to digest. Your love for her can digest it, but ultimately the digestion is a process that she has to go through.

I don't envy your position at all, This isn't going to be like hitting the Staples button "That was easy!" but in the end if it works out the two of you will be immensely stronger because of it. If it doesn't realize that you will be with you every day of your life and getting through this is a part of discovering who you are, that you can have hate and love blended together and that is who you are.

I may be just rambling, but that is where I'm at right now. I am doing some reading on forgiveness so it may just be propaganda, but I feel comforted by the introspection and I might be able to share some of that with others.

Take Care and God Bless,

mike_chppr