I don't know whether I should be sharing any of this with a group of strangers -somehow I feel like I'm being unfaithful to my relationship and my partner...
I'm 28, straight, and have been with my partner for several years. Ever since day one sex has been about her. Until I met her the only form of sex she had engaged in was self masturbation so when we did eventually sleep together I took that into account and passed her self absorbedness as part of that whole exploration thing. But after a while the sex became less frequent and more regulated by her routine.
Sex with my partner is growing less and less frequent - perhaps 1 - 2x/month - but when it does happen we climb into bed and its my job then to kiss her shoulders for maybe 30 seconds then I've been "trained" (for want of a better way of putting it) to go down on her until she almost comes then I am to penetrate her. Very seldom does she do anything but lie there and take it and she never goes down on me (though in the beginning she used to just for the sake of experimentation, apparently).
If she comes before me I then get 30 seconds to climax or just deal with it. If I come before her I get the guilt trip about her not being satisfied.
She never used to, but of late she has become more critical of my performance. Her comments usually come as a result of my trying to talk about sex and my desire for something more than 1-2x/month or her actually doing something other than doin her best card-board cut-out impersonaton. And god forbid I mention her performing oral sex on me. The mere thought of it usually brings a four-week ban on sex of any kind.
Where it gets harder to deal with is that when I was a child I was abused - including rape (by mulitple men) and had to deal with taunts such as "maybe we should water this [my penis] to make it grow a bit more" and "when women find out what you've been up to you will never find a serious sex partner so you should just keep quite and realise the best sex you are ever going to get is with us [the abusers]" While I know it's all crap and mind-games, of all three prtners that I've ever had, the sex has never been two-way. And that makes it so much more difficult to face a sexual relationship of any kind and so much harder to deal with what I have now...
I've never had sex on an equal level (not for want of trying). While my current partner is the only one who knows about the abuse, all my sexual experiences have followed the same pattern of grattifying others. I've really got to the point that I don't believe there is such a thing as mutually emotionally gratifying sex. I take sex, whenever and wherever I can get it - irrespective of whether I am in the mood or not - because I don't believe that I will ever find or get sex that satisfies me. (That's not an admission of cheating)
With all my experiences I've come to associate the amount of love someone shows for me as proportionate to the amount of sex I get and the level of their participation and selflessness during the act.
Given that I had to perform oral sex so often both to partners and to my tormentors, it has become a big part of my sexual concept. Sometimes it is all consuming to the point where all I want to do is perform/receive it because it has become the be-all and end-all yet whenever I try to talk to my partner about it she always comes back with a guilt trip about how I shouldn't do it to her and how she "is a bad girlfriend" because she wont do it to me. Then the less I get the more of a big deal it becomes to me (and yes, I realise how destructive that is) and it just spirals from there to the point that I feel dirty whenever I think about sex in any form because my partner doesn't want it very much and that oral sex causes such conflict both within myself and with my partner.
I'm not sure whether I'm asking for advice on how to deal with my relationship, my own turmoil or just letting off steam.
